Chuck Norris

[CBT]

Scientists used to think that diamonds were the worlds hardest substance. Then they met Chuck Norris who roundhouse kicked them in the face so hard and so fast with so much heat and pressure, they turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is solely responsible for a ducks quack not making an echo.
Chuck Norris drinks Napalm to quell an upset stomache.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris went to a McDonalds drive up window. Jack Bauer gave him the wrong items so Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the building so hard it turned into a KFC and Jack Bauer was fired. He later changed his name to Dave Hasselhoff and made a living starring on cheesey shows such as Knight Rider, Baywatch, and Inside The Village People.

[stryker]

I can't believe that CHUCK NORRIS own a Marauder !Hmmmm! I was thinking that one of the members of this site could be him but hidden in a nick that will be !Heeyyy Chuck ! if you're here to the "M" PANTHER ZONE.


STRYKER.

[alarmguy]

These guys got nothin' on Dick Cheney. Saw this posted on another forum this morning:


• Dick Cheney once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

• Crop circles are Dick Cheney’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

• Dick Cheney is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Dick Cheney out. It failed miserably.

• Contrary to popular belief, Dick Cheney, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Dick Cheney has 72... and they're all poisonous.

• If you ask Dick Cheney what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

• Dick Cheney drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

• When Dick Cheney sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Dick Cheney has not had to pay taxes, ever.

• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Dick Cheney’s fist.

• Dick Cheney invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

• Dick Cheney can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Dick Cheney allows to live.

• What was going through the minds of all of Dick Cheney’s victims before they died? His shoe.

• Dick Cheney is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

• Police label anyone attacking Dick Cheney as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

• Dick Cheney doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

• Dick Cheney doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Dick Cheney and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

• Dick Cheney will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

• Someone once videotaped Dick Cheney getting pissed off. It was called The Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

• If you spell Dick Cheney in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

• Dick Cheney originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Cheney replied, "That's no glitch."

• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Dick Cheney once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

• The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Dick Cheney played in second grade.

• Dick Cheney once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

• Dick Cheney once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Dick Cheney re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

• Dick Cheney has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

• Someone once tried to tell Dick Cheney that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Dick Cheney once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

• Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Dick Cheney’s warm-up exercises.

• Dick Cheney is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

• In the Bible, ***** turned water into wine. But then Dick Cheney turned that wine into beer.

• Dick Cheney can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Dick Cheney.

• Dick Cheney discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Dick Cheney is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Dick Cheney roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

• Dick Cheney doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

• The Dick Cheney military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Dick Cheney could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Dick Cheney could use to kill you, including the room itself.

• According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Dick Cheney walks.

• Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

• When Dick Cheney goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

• There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Dick Cheney has breathed on.

• Dick Cheney once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Dick Cheney won by 5.

• Dick Cheney was the fourth wise man, who gave baby ***** the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that ***** showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• Dick Cheney sheds his skin twice a year.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer auditioned for the part of Clemenza in The Godfather, but lost the role when he kept taking the gun and leaving the cannoli.

[BruteForce]

Dick Cheney ... could ... give a shotgun blast standing

he he.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris invented time travel for the sole purpose of preventing the Kennedy assasination. He arrived in time for his powerful beard to deflect all three of Oswalds bullets. Kennedys head actually exploded out of shear amazement. Afterward, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his time machine to death, vowing never again to time travel via machine.

Chuck Norris only ma$terbate$ to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Although it isn't common knowledge, there are actually 3 sides to 'The Force'. The light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

[fastblackmerc]

This some gooood *****.....

[duhtroll]

Vin Diesel beat them all in thumbwrestling . . .

EDIT - Vin Diesel sounds better - almost as if it's made up.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your arse, don't be offended or hurt, he may just be trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He sat down in a vacant lot and sure enough, within an hour of rubbing his mega powerful beard, a bar had been built around him. He ordered a shot, drank it, then burned and roundhouse kicked the bar to smithereens. Chuck Norris was heard yelling over the flames, "Always leave things the way you found them!"

[CBT]

Before science was invented it was believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existance, knocking all the leaves off.

In the original pilot episode of Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can clearly be seen powering the Enterprises warp drive with his tremendous roundhouse kicks.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris snorts Dom Peirgnon and pees Vin Diesel.

[Sully008]

Oh man, I was wondering when the Chuck Norris owns all thread would appear here... That's some funny reading! But I only have one thing to say:

My avatar > Chuck Norris.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris threw a roundhouse kick all up in Godzilla. Bruce Lee flew out.

[pantheroc]

You guys are Whacked!! I'm entertained, so keep them coming....