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Thread: This isn't how I do it! - Oil Change Women vs Men

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Amissville VA
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    This isn't how I do it! - Oil Change Women vs Men

    Well I like to think I have better luck on this, then again I do spend more than $21 for an oil change...but that's becuase of the synthetic oil and high end filter...



    Still, good for a laugh, right?

    Makes we wonder who wrote this:

    "Oil Change


    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:

    Oil Change $20.00

    Coffee $1.00

    Total $21.00
    ============================== ============================

    Oil Change instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
    Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

    Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

    27) Drink beer.

    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    30) Drink beer.

    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33) Begin cussing fit.

    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

    36) Beer.

    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

    45) Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    48) Car gets impounded.

    49) Call loving wife, make bail.

    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:

    Parts $50.00

    DUI $2500.00

    Impound fee $75.00

    Bail $1500.00

    Beer $40.00

    Total - - $4,165.00

    But you know the job was done right!"
    Last edited by Breadfan; 07-21-2006 at 06:18 AM.
    Trilogy #112 (self installed)

    - Trilogy S/C (Stock pulley/tune) - 4.10's - JLT - SS Inserts - 4" Megs -

    12.99@106.2mph (for now)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Afhaggisland
    Posts
    12,031

    Here are my favorite steps..

    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    16) Drink a beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

    21) buy beer.


    27) Drink beer.


    30) Drink beer.

    36) Beer.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    41) Beer.

    45) Beer.
    Saorsa gu Brath
    (Freedon Forever)


    Si vis pacem para bellum
    (If you want peace, prepare for war)


    Μολὼν λαβέ
    (Come and take them)


    Stann saam of sterf allen
    (Stand together or die alone)


    Audentis Fortuna Iuvat
    (Fortune Favors the Brave)


    Antes morrer livres que em paz sujeitos
    (Rather die as free men than be enslaved in peace)


    "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants alike. It is the tree's natural manure." -Thomas Jefferson

    "The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." - Thomas Jefferson

    The Constitution guarantees our rights as American citizens, the 2nd Amendment protects those rights


    "THE BLACK BOMBER"


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Port Charlotte, FL
    Posts
    6,273
    Ummm... my car takes a 16mm wrench on the drain plug.
    04 Crown Victoria Sport

    2008 Harley Davidson Nightrain- sold....

    2016 Harley Davidson Street Glide - Olive Gold

    1995 F150 4x2 4.9 5spd

    1995 Schwinn High Plains 21 speed, custom gearing.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Afhaggisland
    Posts
    12,031
    Quote Originally Posted by Rich_Long
    Ummm... my car takes a 16mm wrench on the drain plug.
    That is why he needs to use a screwdriver.
    Saorsa gu Brath
    (Freedon Forever)


    Si vis pacem para bellum
    (If you want peace, prepare for war)


    Μολὼν λαβέ
    (Come and take them)


    Stann saam of sterf allen
    (Stand together or die alone)


    Audentis Fortuna Iuvat
    (Fortune Favors the Brave)


    Antes morrer livres que em paz sujeitos
    (Rather die as free men than be enslaved in peace)


    "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants alike. It is the tree's natural manure." -Thomas Jefferson

    "The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." - Thomas Jefferson

    The Constitution guarantees our rights as American citizens, the 2nd Amendment protects those rights


    "THE BLACK BOMBER"


  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    (The other West Coast) Wyoming Michigan
    Age
    73
    Posts
    2,509

    I can add a few...

    I once left out the drain pan full of dirty oil. The cat, for some reason, stepped in it (chasing a bug?). The dog groomer did a great job of cleaning him up. He even smelled nice. Cost of dog groomer shampoo today: $40?
    1957 Custom 2 dr Sedan, 1979 F-series 14' U-Haul 330 XD, 1979 F150 4X4 428 PI/CJ heads/NP 435/4:11 axles-rear Det. Lkr., 1993 Grand Marquis, Y2K CVPI supercharged 5.4, 2003 MM

    The more I learn, the more I find out I don't know.

    Confusion will be my epitaph...

    Home of the Berserker Marauder, one of the ancient Norse warriors legendary for working themselves into a frenzy before a battle and fighting with reckless savagery and insane fury, held to be invulnerable...shirtless regardless of wounds...(possibly due to ingestion of psychotropic and hallucinatory drugs such as Fly Agaric Mushrooms)...

    ΓρεεκΓοδ

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Age
    47
    Posts
    705
    Oh too funny, made my day!
    #1724 of 3214 Built 02/13/2004
    2004 Marauder black/moonroof
    SCT flip chip, 4:10's, lowered, big brake kit
    Kenwood KDC-X790 & 4 Kenwood speakers, 10" Sub
    Addco tube sway bars & performance shocks, Metco's
    Zex dry nitrous kit, Full SW Exhaust Kit, PI 3000 Stall
    5.0L Stroker assembly, Self installed!
    E.T. on drag radial tires: 12.270 @ 111.16 & 1.66 60'
    One off custom Hood all steel too.
    SOON TO BE Vortech supercharged

    Ryan Schmuki
    2003 Marauder, black with 4.10s n tune (sold)
    1968 Fairlane 347 built stroker(fast)
    1963 Galaxie 390 auto
    2010 Mercury Milan
    2019 Taurus Limited

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