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Thread: Chuck Norris

  1. #1
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    Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
    Chuck Norris is suing NBC, claiming the show Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right leg.
    The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, just another fist.
    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard and fast, his foot broke the speed of light, traveled back in time, and knocked Amelia Earharts plane form the sky.
    If Superman and the Flash were to race to the edge of space, know who would win? Chuck Norris.
    During a fight with Wolverine a long long time ago, Chuck Norris had a testicle slashed off and he couldn't find it. You know it today by it's technical term: Jupiter.
    Chuck Norris drives a Marauder.


    ~But, it makes it a lot easier when he is manscaped.~ Haggis
    ~Cool, I can have one of those strangulation orgasms without the strangle.
    WIN WIN!~ Zack
    ~Who needs to stop? I just wanna gooooooooooo ~ -Matt-

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by CBT
    Chuck Norris drives a Marauder.
    Oh yeah, what's his screenname ??
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  3. #3
    TripleTransAm Guest
    This is priceless! I love it!

  4. #4
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    Much has been made about the formidable powers that Chuck Norris possesses, and justifiably so. Due to the sheer quantity and quality of beatings he has administered, Norris has earned the right to have his name spoken in hushed whispers by a Chuck-fearing nation.

    However, there is one man too powerful for even Chuck Norris to confront. And that man is Jack Bauer. We feel it is high time that everyone learned a bit more about the man entrusted to safeguard our national security:

    When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

    Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic.

    Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in.

    Jack Bauer's saliva is bullet-proof.

    After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,"Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."

    Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.

    Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day.

    Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.

    Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.

    The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer's friends.

    Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting ****-hammered.

    Jack Bauer's nickname for Chuck Norris is "Aloysius Q. Vagina-Muffin".

    Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.

    Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three's Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.

    On Jack Bauer's say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.

    Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.

    Coffee cannot start it's day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.

    GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  5. #5
    TripleTransAm Guest
    Oh MAN this is funny... keep 'em coming!

    (speaking of Jack Bauer, can you just imagine what's the first thing to go through his mind when he wakes up in the morning... "oh crap, I wonder what the next 24 hours are going to be like...")

  6. #6
    You all forgot...

    When Chuck Norris goes in water, Chuck Norris does not get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

  7. #7
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    Chuck Norris invented water.
    Since 1940 when Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related eaths have increased by 13,000 percent.
    When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it's not because he's gay, it's because he ran out of women.
    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    To prove that cancer isn't a big deal, Chuck Norris smoked 17 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and got 7 kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong!
    Chuck Norris can make any woman orgasm simply by pointing at them and saying "BOOYAAAAAA!"
    Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalkers real father.
    Chuck Norris is the most venomous creature on the planet, not that wimpy Australian box jellyfish. 2 seconds after being bitten by Chuck Norris, victims experience: fever, blurred vision, a beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly roundhouse kicked thru a car windshield.
    Chuck Norris beat Jack Bauer in the 2005 World Poker Championship with nothing more than a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from an Uno game, and a get out of jail free card from Monopoly.


    ~But, it makes it a lot easier when he is manscaped.~ Haggis
    ~Cool, I can have one of those strangulation orgasms without the strangle.
    WIN WIN!~ Zack
    ~Who needs to stop? I just wanna gooooooooooo ~ -Matt-

  8. #8
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    Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
    The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  9. #9
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    Chuck Norris was the Fourth Wiseman. He brought baby ***** the gift of 'beard'. ***** wore it proudly till his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of *****' obvious gift favoritism, used thier combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took back his soul. Satan, who appreciates irony, said "I should have seen that coming.", and couldn't stay mad at Chuck Norris. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


    ~But, it makes it a lot easier when he is manscaped.~ Haggis
    ~Cool, I can have one of those strangulation orgasms without the strangle.
    WIN WIN!~ Zack
    ~Who needs to stop? I just wanna gooooooooooo ~ -Matt-

  10. #10
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    If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

    Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

    Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

    1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

    Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

    Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

    Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

    When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

    If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re screwed.

    Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

    When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

    Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

    No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a wuss” in a sentence and lived to tel-

    In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

    As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

    Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

    Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

    If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

    There is no such thing as the theory of evolution, but only a list of animals Jack Bauer has allowed to live.
    Dan

    Rest area, rest home -- what difference does it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing all those big trucks pulling in and out.

  11. #11
    TripleTransAm Guest
    Chuck Norris beat Jack Bauer in the 2005 World Poker Championship with nothing more than a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from an Uno game, and a get out of jail free card from Monopoly.
    The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.

    Oh... my ... G-O-D... this is all some of the funniest shidt I have read in a long long long time. I am sitting here on my couch in tears, fearing for my laptop's life from shorting out due to peeing myself.



    Edit: this thread gets my vote for the funniest thread ever!
    (wiping tears from my eyes after coughing up a lung) whew, back to the Powerpoint presentation...
    Last edited by TripleTransAm; 02-14-2006 at 11:43 PM.

  12. #12
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    Jack Bauer once asked Chuck Norris "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Chuck Norris shouted "HOW DARE YOU RYHME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out Jack Bauers throat. Holding Jack Bauers bloody throat in his hand he bellowed "Don't ***** with Chuck!" 5 years and 7 months later he realized the irony of his own statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hunnerd mile radius of the blast went deaf.


    ~But, it makes it a lot easier when he is manscaped.~ Haggis
    ~Cool, I can have one of those strangulation orgasms without the strangle.
    WIN WIN!~ Zack
    ~Who needs to stop? I just wanna gooooooooooo ~ -Matt-

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by dwasson
    If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
    Saorsa gu Brath
    (Freedon Forever)


    Si vis pacem para bellum
    (If you want peace, prepare for war)


    Μολὼν λαβέ
    (Come and take them)


    Stann saam of sterf allen
    (Stand together or die alone)


    Audentis Fortuna Iuvat
    (Fortune Favors the Brave)


    Antes morrer livres que em paz sujeitos
    (Rather die as free men than be enslaved in peace)


    "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants alike. It is the tree's natural manure." -Thomas Jefferson

    "The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." - Thomas Jefferson

    The Constitution guarantees our rights as American citizens, the 2nd Amendment protects those rights


    "THE BLACK BOMBER"


  14. #14
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    That's nothing. They are both Vin Diesel's b|tches. Random facts about Vin Diesel can be found here:

    http://www.4q.cc/index.php?pid=fact&person=vin
    Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it - what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone. -- Carlos Castaneda

  15. #15
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    Chuck Norris decided to bottle his own urine and sell it. Red Bull.

    While on a hunting trip in the Australian Outback, using nothing but his legs as weapons, Chuck Norris brought a still born baby kangaroo back to life by simply rubbing his beard on the little 'roos head. As he was doing this word spread across Australia and the people gathered in amazement. Australia cheered as the little lamb jumped around. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the little lamb to death and yelled "The good Chuck can giveth, and the good Chuck can taketh away!" Australia still cries.


    ~But, it makes it a lot easier when he is manscaped.~ Haggis
    ~Cool, I can have one of those strangulation orgasms without the strangle.
    WIN WIN!~ Zack
    ~Who needs to stop? I just wanna gooooooooooo ~ -Matt-

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