dwasson
06-15-2005, 09:51 AM
SANTA MONICA, Calif. -- Educational researchers are reporting miraculous IQ-related test results this morning, just hours after a freak meteor shower rained death upon the gathering of spectators, media personalities and circus freaks surrounding the Santa Monica court where Michael Jackson was being acquitted of all molestation charges against him.
The researchers are baffled at the results, which were being gathered in real time using a highly sophisticated database that monitored test scores and brainwaves from across the United States.
“At roughly 5:15 Eastern Standard Time, the collective IQ for the United States rose ten points in the span of one minute,” said lead IQ researcher Dr. Harris Kleobold.
Kleobold said that the news would be important for many Americans who beloved the U.S. was slipping in areas like education and technology to countries like Japan, China and India, but many Americans did not hear the news, as they were distracted by the immense and devastatingly deadly meteor shower that apparently struck just as Kleobold was getting the revised numbers.
“It is truly a shame that when all those people were dying and giving their lives doing something they loved, the nation was gaining lost ground in the intelligence race with other nations,” Kleobold said.
The meteors were uncannily selective in their destruction said several astronomy experts who flocked to the Santa Monica courtroom for an emergency press conference, noting that the white hot rocks struck only the large fenced-in pen areas that had held reporters, photographers and hundreds of screaming Jackson reporters.
“It was nothing short of amazing; the hundreds of Santa Monica law enforcement officials, court officials and even Jackson’s entourage were completely unscathed by the meteors even as Jackson’s fans burned in agony a mere 50 meters away,” said Dr. Von Nostrom.
Don King, who had stepped in as Jackson’s official spokesman following the verdict, said his new client was ‘largely unaffected’ by the wanton death and destruction that had occurred outside the courtroom.
“His nose was a little singed, but the severe heat actually melted it into something a little more normal looking.
“And his hands were completely unhurt, so he can get right back in to bed with what he loves to do best,” King said.
Researchers said that they will continue to study the correlation between the meteor strikes and celebrity trials, as this is the third such documented case of fatal astronomical phenomena and 24-hour press frenzy in as many years. The same such tragedies occurred during an avalanche in Colorado at the Kobe Bryant rape trial; during a freak tidal wave in Modesto at Scot Peterson’s trial; as well as when a herd of Martha Stewart fans were trampled by buffalo while trying to gain access to Camp Cupcake.
The researchers are baffled at the results, which were being gathered in real time using a highly sophisticated database that monitored test scores and brainwaves from across the United States.
“At roughly 5:15 Eastern Standard Time, the collective IQ for the United States rose ten points in the span of one minute,” said lead IQ researcher Dr. Harris Kleobold.
Kleobold said that the news would be important for many Americans who beloved the U.S. was slipping in areas like education and technology to countries like Japan, China and India, but many Americans did not hear the news, as they were distracted by the immense and devastatingly deadly meteor shower that apparently struck just as Kleobold was getting the revised numbers.
“It is truly a shame that when all those people were dying and giving their lives doing something they loved, the nation was gaining lost ground in the intelligence race with other nations,” Kleobold said.
The meteors were uncannily selective in their destruction said several astronomy experts who flocked to the Santa Monica courtroom for an emergency press conference, noting that the white hot rocks struck only the large fenced-in pen areas that had held reporters, photographers and hundreds of screaming Jackson reporters.
“It was nothing short of amazing; the hundreds of Santa Monica law enforcement officials, court officials and even Jackson’s entourage were completely unscathed by the meteors even as Jackson’s fans burned in agony a mere 50 meters away,” said Dr. Von Nostrom.
Don King, who had stepped in as Jackson’s official spokesman following the verdict, said his new client was ‘largely unaffected’ by the wanton death and destruction that had occurred outside the courtroom.
“His nose was a little singed, but the severe heat actually melted it into something a little more normal looking.
“And his hands were completely unhurt, so he can get right back in to bed with what he loves to do best,” King said.
Researchers said that they will continue to study the correlation between the meteor strikes and celebrity trials, as this is the third such documented case of fatal astronomical phenomena and 24-hour press frenzy in as many years. The same such tragedies occurred during an avalanche in Colorado at the Kobe Bryant rape trial; during a freak tidal wave in Modesto at Scot Peterson’s trial; as well as when a herd of Martha Stewart fans were trampled by buffalo while trying to gain access to Camp Cupcake.