If you've ever owned a British car [Archive]

View Full Version : If you've ever owned a British car

dwasson

11-07-2005, 10:45 AM

Why is the beer warm in England? Because the refrigerators are made by Lucas.

The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"

Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics

How are the staff graded ?
"Management" and "Potentially-redundant"

Why didn't the Germans bomb the Lucas plants during WWII? The Germans considered Lucas an ally.

"And the Lord said 'let there be light'...Joseph Lucas replied 'no way, Lord, no way'."

In the 1980's Lucas tried to get into the newly burgeoning PC market, but they discontinued the product when they couldn make it leak oil.

Why are there no skyscrpers in London? Lucas makes elevators

Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF.

The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

Lucas dip-switch positions: LOW and BLOW

The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.

II've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.

It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.

Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Lucas engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.
Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb.
Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."

Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

Recently, Lucas won out over Bosch to supply the electrical for the new Volkswagens. So, now the cars from the Black Forest will come with electrics supplied by the Lord of Darkness -- how appropriate!

Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.

The Prince's last words to his son: "don't go riding after dark"

Lucas jokes: black humor.

python357

11-07-2005, 10:59 AM

had a 1966 MGB, I feel your pain

fastblackmerc

11-07-2005, 11:20 AM

had a 1966 MGB, I feel your pain
'78 Spitfire... same here....

metroplex

11-07-2005, 11:29 AM

Well old boy, what'd you expect from folks that use aluminium instead of aluminum?

ctrcbob

11-07-2005, 12:27 PM

1960 Triumph TR3A (with Michelin X Tires and "Laycock (sp) de Normanville" Overdrive).

Skiordie53

11-07-2005, 04:19 PM

We have an 89 Jaguar xjs v12 vert. spends more time in the shop then we do driving it

hitchhiker

11-07-2005, 04:30 PM

Of course, Froggie (French) attempts at technology are even worse!

http://www.geocities.com/froggie_haven/FROG2.gif (http://www.geocities.com/froggie_haven/index.html)

:D

danbike

11-07-2005, 04:52 PM

Rules for collecting Triumphs et al........<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Written by Roger Welsh, (inflicted on the internet by Doug T the <o:p></o:p>
internet annoyance)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Rules for collecting Triumphs........or MBI, (Multiple Bike Illness):<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RULE #1 Collect only one model of Triumph, Nothing but Bonnevilles or TR6's for example. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
When all your Triumphs are the same color and shape it’s harder (if not impossible) for anyone to figure out how many Triumphs you actually own.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RULE#2 Never line up your Triumphs, EVER! <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Nothing distresses a difficult spouse more than seeing 12 old Triumphs lined up looking for the entire world like a pile of burning hundred dollar bills. Scatter the Triumphs around: A couple behind the garage, one or two in the garage, another beside the garage, maybe a couple at a friend's house. That way, It is not possible for anyone (If you know who I mean) to see more than one or two or even three from any perspective. Your hobby will be less "irritating" that way.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RULE#3 For pretty much the same reason, don’t number your Triumphs. Give them names. You'd be surprised how much less trouble you will have if you talk about "Scarlet Spit" instead of number 23.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RULE #4 Early in collecting Triumphs buy a bike you don’t want.... then sell it as quickly as you can. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Don't worry about making any money on the transaction, the main thing is to buy a Triumph and get rid of it. Then you can say, "Yes, my sweet, I do have six Triumphs in the garage while your car is out in the weather. That doesn't mean I will ALWAYS have six Triumphs; Remember the one I just got rid of? I'm thinking of selling another any day now so we can put your car in the garage" If you have a friend who collects Triumphs, make arrangements for him to drop off a Triumph now and again, That way you can say----If anyone asks---that you bought it. Then have him haul it off again and say you sold it. With this system, you establish your reputation for moderation.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RULE #5 Pay for your Triumphs with cashier checks, Postal Money <o:p></o:p>
Orders or cash. This leaves far less evidence than checks drawn on the family account.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RULE #6 Now and then, buy a wreck for parts even if you don’t need the parts.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
In fact, you might consider hauling a wreck or two home on the same trailer whenever you buy a good Triumph. This is called "liability averaging". If your significant other says something about having enough money for yet another Triumph (but not enough for a new refrigerator) point out indignantly to the Triumphs on the trailer: The beautiful one, solid and in running condition for which you paid $1,500 and the rusted hulks you got for $50 each. then huff,"Snookums, I got those for a little more than $500 each and the one on the back is easily worth $2,000 This is a tidy profit of $400" (See RULE #7)<o:p></o:p>
Doesn’t this make you sound like an investment wizard??<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RULE #7 When things get critical, consider dragging home a Triumph without a transmission or rear wheel. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
If there’s a complaint. you say, "Triumph? What Triumph? That’s not a Triumph....that's only a basket case... not even close to being a Triumph."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RULE #8 Have a dealer or a friend call you now and then when you are not at home (and tell your spouse), "Bob told me to keep an eye on the Triumph going at auction on Saturday, but it sold for $5,000. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
I know there’s no way a financially cautious and responsible guy like Bob would ever pay that much, so I didn't even make a bid on it for him". Not only will this make you look real good, but next time you buy a Triumph, say something like,"Luvibear, this beauty only cost me $1,000 which means we are $4,000 ahead of where we'd have been if I’d gotten the one before. If I keep saving money like this, we'll be able to afford to go on a <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:place>Caribbean</st1:place> cruise next winter." If you say it fast enough, it just might work.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RULE #9 If your mate insults your work calling it RESTORATION?, laugh a lighthearted laugh making it clear that triumphs are not to you what shoes are to Imelda Marcos.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Should you get to the point where your mate asks, "Who do you love more, me or your Triumphs?” You are on your own <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
This piece was written by Roger Welsh (who collects antique tractors in <st1:State><st1:place>Nebraska</st1:place></st1:State>) and modified to run in the TRSC Triumph Tribune, the Western <st1:State><st1:place>Pennsylvania</st1:place></st1:State> triumph owners’ association newsletter, The British Motorcar club of <st1:place>Southern New Mexico</st1:place>’s MGB Driver, on and on many other publications. It was transcribed it from an old issue of the Triumph International Owners Club (<st1:PersonName>TIOC</st1:PersonName>). If forwarded please give credit to the writer: Roger Welsh. And a closing note from John Healy editor of the <st1:PersonName>TIOC</st1:PersonName> Remember that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and don’t get caught caressing your triumph!"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>

danbike

11-07-2005, 04:54 PM

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect = your unworthy servant."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

danbike

11-07-2005, 04:55 PM

There Was a Time<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:PersonName>Mark</st1:PersonName> Appleton<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
There was a time when. . .
<o:p> </o:p>
Kick starting technique was highly rated, and those who wore crash helmets were considered eccentric. There was no such thing as a tire changing machine, and oil was changed ever thousand miles (straight 50W). Prices were written in the manufacturer’s parts books in shillings and pence, and on the front of the dealer’s parts bins in dollars; and that’s what they stayed. Three battery types and five tire sizes and positive ground (earth) was the way it was.
<o:p> </o:p>
If a bike was stolen, word went out to all the bike shops, making it too hot to handle. Whitworth was the word and chains were boiled in grease. Advance was manual, and spark plugs were Lodge and KLG. Pegboard displays in shops were avant garde, and goggles were glass and leather. Parts were called “spares” and came protected in Cosmoline and brown waxed paper – not plastic. Seats had springs, telescopic forks were a novelty, and no one converted swingarm frames to rigid. Primary chains were single row, and when busted, the rear chain would also need the same thing. People went for rides with tire irons and a tire pump on their bikes, and kept master links, just in case.
<o:p> </o:p>
Bike shops all had coffee pots and magazines, and the owners went riding each Sunday with customers. You didn’t have to move your bike to the back of the shop if it leaked oil on the sidewalk in front. Winter rebuilds were just that – every winter. A de-coke didn’t mean switching to Pepsi. It was possible to call a bike a “Hog” without being sued. A torque wrench was considered a high tech tool. Strobe lights were unfathomable; ignition timing was set by cigarette papers and a rod through the plug hole.
<o:p> </o:p>
People knew the names of the engineers who designed their bikes, instead of imagining, faceless design teams collaborating with computers. Bikes sounded exciting, and you could see through a factory muffler if you held the end up to your eye like a telescope. Edward Turner was young, <st1:country-region><st1:place>England</st1:place></st1:country-region> had an empire, and <st1:country-region><st1:place>Japan</st1:place></st1:country-region> made silk. Armory Road, <st1:City><st1:place>Meriden</st1:place></st1:City>, <st1:Street><st1:address>Bracebridge Street</st1:address></st1:Street>, Hall Green, <st1:place>Redditch</st1:place>, Plumstead, <st1:place>Wolverhampton</st1:place>, <st1:place>Stevenage</st1:place>, and dozens of other magic places turned out crates of gleaming motorcycles.
<o:p> </o:p>
Though time has passed them by, the time machines left behind when the factories folded still allow us to free up the clutch plates and open the chrome fuel petcocks, to smell the aroma of gas when fiddling the carb, to hear the engine roar to life and the familiar light clunk as first gear is engaged, to feel the air rushing past our ears as we go through the gears, and hear the intake hiss, the burble of the exhaust, and the whining of chains; to feel the vibration and revel in it, and to listen to the ticking of cooling metal as the bike sits on it stand after the ride. Back again to the time when British bikes were king and Britannia ruled the waves.

danbike

11-07-2005, 04:56 PM

You might just ride a Brit bike if you:<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Your thumb smells like gasoline.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Your boots never need oiling.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Amal retentive is not a typo.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Your kid was conceived after a ride with your wife on pillon.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
You don't even expect replacement parts to fit the first time.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
You own the entire Locktite product line.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The expression "It's just marking its territory" pisses you off.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
You've ever held a carb on with vice grips.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Frequent tools include files and hammers.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
You enjoy whupping crotch rocket squids.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
You call em gudgeons.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
You've ever sprained an ankle or broken a leg starting an engine.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Your carb main jets have vibrated loose.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>

danbike

11-07-2005, 04:57 PM

A Visit from St. Triumph

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p>
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house <o:p></o:p>
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; <o:p></o:p>
The panniers were hung by the front door with care, <o:p></o:p>
In hopes that St. Triumph soon would be there; <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, <o:p></o:p>
While visions of carbon fiber danced in their heads; <o:p></o:p>
And mamma in her leathers, and I in my cap, <o:p></o:p>
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, <o:p></o:p>
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. <o:p></o:p>
After a night of too many hops and barley,<o:p></o:p>
I prayed that the noise didn't come from a Harley.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow<o:p></o:p>
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below, <o:p></o:p>
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, <o:p></o:p>
But a miniature bike, with three cylindeer, <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
With a little old driver, so lively and spry, <o:p></o:p>
I knew in a moment it must be St. Tri. <o:p></o:p>
More rapid than eagles his partners they came,<o:p></o:p>
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
'Now, LEGEND! now, T-BIRD! now, TRIPLE and TROPHY! <o:p></o:p>
On, ST! on RS! on, TT and BONNIE! <o:p></o:p>
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! <o:p></o:p>
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!' <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
As squids that before the policemen will fly,<o:p></o:p>
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, <o:p></o:p>
So up to the house-top the riders they flew, <o:p></o:p>
With the bikes full of toys, and St. Triumph too. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
And then, in a twinkling, I heard near the spire<o:p></o:p>
The thumping and bumping of each little tire. <o:p></o:p>
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, <o:p></o:p>
Down the chimney St. Triumph came with a bound. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
He was dressed all in leather, not one lick of fleece, <o:p></o:p>
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and grease; <o:p></o:p>
A pannier of toys he had at each side, <o:p></o:p>
And he looked like a old friend just in from a ride. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
His eyes -- how they twinkled! oh, what a delight! <o:p></o:p>
His cheeks were like roses, his nose, a taillight! <o:p></o:p>
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, <o:p></o:p>
And it looked like forks instead of legs below; <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The stump of a tailpipe he held like a bugger, <o:p></o:p>
And the smoke it encircled his head like a hugger; <o:p></o:p>
He had a broad face and a little round belly, <o:p></o:p>
That shook, when he laughed like a nasty old H-D. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, <o:p></o:p>
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself; <o:p></o:p>
A wink of his eye and a twist of his wrist, <o:p></o:p>
Soon gave me to know I got what I wished; <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, <o:p></o:p>
And filled all the panniers; then turned with a jerk, <o:p></o:p>
And laying his finger aside of his nose, <o:p></o:p>
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose; <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
He sprang to his bike, to his team gave a whistle, <o:p></o:p>
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. <o:p></o:p>
But I heard him exclaim, ere he rode out of town, <o:p></o:p>
'HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, KEEP THE RUBBER SIDE DOWN'. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>

fastblackmerc

11-07-2005, 05:01 PM

We have an 89 Jaguar xjs v12 vert. spends more time in the shop then we do driving it
You know what they say about Jags.... You have to buy 2 so you can drive one while one is in the shop. Seriously, do you know if the quality has gotten any better since Ford acquired them?

jdando

11-07-2005, 05:28 PM

Ouch, this is surprisingly true :(

I had two 1980 TR7's. It was the cheese wedge shaped car.

jeremy

Breadfan

11-07-2005, 06:43 PM

Sometimes when people make fun of Ford's having electrical problems I just don't get it...

http://www.neuralimpulse.com/cars/pics/jag012.jpg

http://www.neuralimpulse.com/cars/trpics/IM001088.JPG

:rolleyes:

ctrcbob

11-08-2005, 11:44 AM

Hitchhiker,

You are living in the past! French cars today are great cars, (except most are still very ugly, but domestic German and Italian cars are also ugly). Whenever I visit France for a few weeks, I lease (thats Lease, not Rent) a Renault Laguna II. Great car. They have things on this basic car that none of the American manufactures offer, although they could.

My last two Laguna II's (nice looking car) had:
1. Windshield wipers that would come on by themselves, speed up or slow down by themselves, depending on how hard it was raining, then shut themselves down when it stopped raining.
2. Headlights that you could raise or lower the beam from the drivers seat.
3. Oil level could be checked from the drivers seat, before you start the car.
4. Best shifting manual transmission (I lease manuals, not automatics) that I have ever had. Like shifting through butter.
5. Driver side outside mirror that looks flat, but has the last two inches set that you can see in the blind spot. No need for add on blind spot mirrors.
6. My friends Renault Avontime Two Door has "Articulated Doors". Although a two door, you can still get in and out of the car when parked near a wall, or another car.
7. Best looking car is the Puegeot 607. Fantastic looking car. Wish I could afford to lease one.

Don't allow your anti French bias, blind you into thinking that French Technology is not good. They are way ahead of us in many (not all) ways.
I.E., Don't be an "Ugly American". :nono:

Wires

11-08-2005, 01:14 PM

Sorry I'm late. 72 MGB here. (Parked behind the Marauer in the garage.)

dwasson

11-08-2005, 01:32 PM

hitchhiker

11-08-2005, 01:39 PM

Froggie Cars...

Great!

Wierd features on a Butt-Ugly car!

http://www.geocities.com/froggie_haven/FROG2.gif (http://www.geocities.com/froggie_haven/index.html)

dwasson

11-08-2005, 02:17 PM

Who says that the internet isn't educational?

clicky clicky (http://www.slate.com/id/2129640/?nav=tap3)

Breadfan

11-08-2005, 02:20 PM

Well my '65 Spitfire is still in peices, hard to restore a car living in an apartment...it's at my parents house, I work on it when I can, but haven't done much to it lately. It was my dad's car, he gave it to me a number of years ago, still can't wait to get it restored but not rushing it so I do things right.

The Jag, well, that was a 1980, but not "truly" british, it had a Chevy 305 small block and TH350 trans. But...the electrical system was still mainly Lucas.

Has 225,000 miles on the body when I got rid of it, 125,000 on the Chevy engine/trans.

I wanted to keep it but couldn't, now I wish I could find it and buy it back, then again I'm sure there are better examples out there, mine had some problems...paid $1200 for it, spent a year fixing it up with no sort of budget at all before I could drive it...it was my first car.

VNMUS

11-25-2005, 03:16 PM

Where should I start...

1976 Ford Capri
1978 Opel Senator
1978 Vauxhall Cavalier
1978 Ford Granada
1980 Austin Maxi
1984 Opel Corsa
1986 Ford Sierra Saphire
1987 Ford Granada

I know there's more but I can't think of the top of my head at the moment.

danbike

11-25-2005, 03:37 PM

Nothing is as frustrating as kicking over an old Brit bike that ran yesterday and not having it start.

That being said, nothing is as satisfying as fixing the simple problem and getting it back on the road. Most old British electrical problems can be easily fixed at the side of the road.

I don't even want to try to guess how many black boxes are in my Marauder. The Marauder is a reliable fine car, but it does not have the character of my '68 Bonnie.

StevenJ

11-26-2005, 04:07 PM

If I were to restore a British car, I'd go with a Austin Healy 3000 MKII. They were like Jaguars at half price at the time. The new Ford Jags are way more reliable than the old English cars and they don't use any Lucas systems. Before Ford owned Jaguar, they only were making two cars. The ancient XJ and the equally ancient XK that was essentially just a two door XJ. Nothing really worth owning. Both cars were severly out of date and couldn't of carried the company over. If it weren't for Ford, Jaguar would be a defunct name years ago.