To Women Everywhere From A Man Who's Had Enough

[Brutus]

Let's cut to the chase on a few things and we'll all feel better. If
you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like the guys on a soap opera.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as last night's game, the size of the turd we just dropped, or monster
trucks.

Sunday Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just
friggin' say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on
the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes; what makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your damn oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something
but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors.

Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

[spiders]

Ahh, the ceaseless sterotypical bashing...

[jinxed]

The man speaks the truth AMEN

[spiders]

I refuse to believe we're all that bad... and I won't be baited into defending because it only makes more scuttlebut

[CBT]

Scuttlebu.....say, are you in the Navy?

[spiders]

nope, USMC long since "released" into the wild!

[CBT]

Well oo-rah then! Me and my pops were talking about something one day and I said "You were a Marine...." and didn't get to finish because he yelled "ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE!" It was funny, I love that guy. :rolleyes:

[spiders]

I've been blessed with a long lineage of Marines... and although I agree with once and always, I was honorably discharged for a heart condition, so I was never able to call myself a "real" marine, which is unfortunate and very depressing... especially since I suffered through boot for nothing... still one deep down, just a simple civi now though

[DEFYANT]

Good one Brutus! I agree.

[spiders]

You guys just need to meet different women, in my opinion...

[Mike Poore]

You guys just need to meet different women, in my opinion...

No they don't, both wives are treasures. And, additionally, Mrs. Brutus, the mother of the family's beautiful infant child, is a stunningly beautiful woman. (Yes children, OF's still notice)

.....and, Lisa, ....no, I didn't mean that you're NOT a beautiful woman ....see statement #22. ;)

[Brutus]

I do these things outta spite! :) :)

[Hotrauder]

Ahh, the ceaseless sterotypical bashing...

Interesting take Spider. Mine was That men, no matter how hard they try; are not able to live up to the expectations of their women. My wife would agree but I am much to wise to ask. Carry on. Dennis:beer:

[spiders]

Gee, and I always thought it was a people thing, not man/woman thing...
Sure the expectations are reasonable?? whoever holds them(male/female)??
Honestly I tend to get along with men better than most women, but that is because some sterotyping is actually based in reality... no hundreds of shoes, no whining about toilet seats (and I have boys so even without a spouse it is continual), and no demands for putting sports/cars/whatever second... though I do believe that if someone is out with me, they'd best try to avoid staring at another woman, otherwise they need to get a ride home from them, not me! heh heh
And I'm Lorraine, but Lisa is fine, afterall none of you guys has reason to know better! At least you get a chuckle and remember that we're not all bad! Especially the mothers of your children!!! (I really liked that post, by the way!! And I'd bet she would like it too!)

[juno]

Men are men and women are women. Some more stereotypical than others. But a few 1000 years of civilization isn't going to change 50000 years of evolution. :)

You have to laugh at and appreciate the differences or you are in for a bumpy ride!

Viva la difference!! :up:

[spiders]

very well said, thanks

[Mike Poore]

very well said, thanks

Darn, Lorraine, my bad, we can't make assumptions about your knowing all the players, at this early date.

Lisa is the Defyant Wife.

Some of us tend to switch between screen names and given ones, sometimes in a single post, and how could you know?

Please come to the next CAM get together at Red Brick Station, next Sunday, and meet the locals, that way you'll at least know some of the players.

I like your wit and enthusiasm, and you're a fine addition to the family, again, :welcome:

mike & barb.:beer:

[spiders]

thanks, Mike and Barb, and will definitelky be there! May have my co-driver but he may bail if it's too cold...

[Bradley G]

I got luckey, found one with no, (few) :D bad habits.

[TripleTransAm]

Mine occasionally blows blue smoke in the mornings...







...just like my Marauders.

:D :lol:

(frantically looking for the 'submit' button before my wife reads this...........)

[whoskal]

:lol::lol::lol:

[Haggis]

Good one Jeff (Brutus)...for Lorraine (spiders). :lol:

:hmmm: A woman Marine named Spiders. Do you look like Catherine Bell???

[2003 MIB]

It is a very small world.... Devil Dog Brutus posts one of these rants every few months to stir the pot and this time he is able to torque the only WM on the board.:lol: What are the odds of that??

If he would use these powers for good, there would be no crime in Maryland.:P

Semper Fi and welcome Lorraine.

[Marauder2005]

"Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes; what makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for."

My favorits :)

[Bluerauder]

Men are men and women are women. ... "snip" ... Viva la difference!! :up:
As it should be .... I wouldn't want it any other way !! :D

[spiders]

" images/smilies/scratchchin.gif A woman Marine named Spiders. Do you look like Catherine Bell???

OK, so I had to look it up to see who this was, and no, not in the least...
Just anaverage joe-ann! heh heh
And wasn't she on JAG?

[MM03MOK]

And wasn't she on JAG?Yes....but my personal heartthrob is David James Elliot.....there's just something about a man in a uniform..... :drool:

http://images.viacomlocalnetworks.com/images_sizedimage_095065612/lg

[spiders]

Well there's something about men in uniform, I have to agree...

[Haggis]

Well there's something about men in uniform, I have to agree...
Well there is something very special about a woman out of uniform. :D

[spiders]

??? to watch men in uniform??? heh hehe

[Brutus]

Oh yea!!! Catherine Bell!!

[SergntMac]

As long as y'all are going to continue to redirect our Lounge forum into a joke/story forum, I have no problem with it.

If it stalls us from having to read posts about other nonsense like toilets on tow vehicles, (that seem to have increased after one "yet to be named" member trader up, I mean traded his MM for...what ever...I'll live with it.

So...Here's my contribution, from e-mails with friends, and some time ago too...Lot's of this stuff is really old, worn out and not really funny anymore.

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!* Please note...These are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon, or, the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don 't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad, or, angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as*baseball, shotgun formations, or, monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Then I got this...


WORDS WOMEN USE.
FINE.*
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES.
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. *Five minutes here, is only five real minutes, as if you have just been given*only five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING.
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes.* Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD.
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD "Sigh..."
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.* A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over...
"Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS*
A woman is thanking you.* Do not question it, or faint.* Just say "you're welcome."

Oh, and before we forget, there's "WHATEVER"

This is a woman's way of saying "fu*k you".


Truth is, I've read so many of these exchanges lately, I can't tell who's on first.

It get boring after a while, yes?

[Donny Carlson]

As long as y'all are going to continue to redirect our Lounge forum into a joke/story forum, I have no problem with it.

If it stalls us from having to read posts about other nonsense like toilets on tow vehicles, (that seem to have increased after one "yet to be named" member trader up, I mean traded his MM for...what ever...I'll live with it.

Me. Donny Carlson. I started the thread. Me Me Me. I bought another vehicle. Me. Donny Carlson. Me.

And I posted a >LOT< of nonesense before that happened, I'll have you know. If anything, I'm waaay behind in the nonesense category.

[Haggis]

Oh yea!!! Catherine Bell!!
Now that that is over with. Back to Catherine Bell!!!

[Bluerauder]

Oh yea!!! Catherine Bell!!
Thanks !! :D Very nice stuff !!! :bows:

[Cheeseheadbob]

After reading this, I went up to the attic, took the old uniform out, tried on the pants, laughed, and then retired them with honors back into the foot locker where they should have stayed. After this exercise, only light beer for me on Sunday.....YEAH RIGHT!!!:beer:
Well there's something about men in uniform, I have to agree...

[Haggis]

After reading this, I went up to the attic, took the old uniform out, tried on the pants, laughed, and then retired them with honors back into the foot locker where they should have stayed. After this exercise, only light beer for me on Sunday.....YEAH RIGHT!!!:beer:
:laugh: :laugh:

I am not going to even try. :lol:

[SergntMac]

Me. Donny Carlson. I started the thread. Me Me Me. I bought another vehicle. Me. Donny Carlson. Me. And I posted a >LOT< of nonesense before that happened, I'll have you know. If anything, I'm waaay behind in the nonesense category. Yes, I remember. Can't say you started it, more like you caused it. Either way, since then we have enjoyed The Lounge. Funny, it doesn't look the same as it did back then, looks more like a joke forum. Hey, why not, I love a good joke too. And, as it's been pointed out to me in another thread, humor is good for the soul. It's cool, really. See? I posted a joke of my own right ^ there!

Yep, you were quite a handful back then too, dude, home resting with a knee injury as I recall it, right? 24x7 with the nonesense, like having our own stand up comedian on board. But lately, your quality has been slipping, think you can punch it up a bit?

I'll add this, Donny, you take it as well as you dish it out, which earns my respect. Not that either of us really care...

[Donny Carlson]

Yep, you were quite a handful back then too, dude, home resting with a knee injury as I recall it, right? 24x7 with the nonesense, like having our own stand up comedian on board. But lately, your quality has been slipping, think you can punch it up a bit?

Eh, divided loyalties have cut into my act. I now have an entire new world of car owners to annoy.:)

[spiders]

"So...Here's my contribution, from e-mails with friends, and some time ago too...Lot's of this stuff is really old, worn out and not really funny anymore."

Hey, SergntMac, your list is missing a word or two. One is my personal favorite "Enough" which means if you stop mow you might still get lucky tonight after I cool off, and "Yes Dear" which of course means that Catherine Bell (or whoever the current skinny actress is) is far to thin, young and attractive to be a threat to most wives, eventually you'll come home again when the fun's worn off! Women like that are far too high maintenance for the average joe...
And with that, deal lads, adieu until tomorrow

[Donny Carlson]

"Women like that are far too high maintenance for the average joe..."

So's a Lamborghini Murcielago, but how many red blooded men would pass up the opportunity to go for a test drive? Of Catherine Bell OR the Murcielago?

http://www.gallery.winline.ru/albums/auto/lamborghini_murcielago.sized.j pg

[spiders]

What's that catch phrase on the rodding show? "Do your need a car like this... well no. But... Do your WANT a car like this... of course!"

Honestly I prefer American made... And I've been fortunate enough to drive some rather exotic cars, mostly I don't think I would want to drive them every day. My MM fits me perfectly.

[jerrym3]

My wife and I are a little bit older than most of you folks, so she now accepts the fact that I still like to look at younger women.

I just can't remember why.

[Bluerauder]

Women like that are far too high maintenance for the average joe...
Paging Joe Walsh .... would Mr. Walsh please come to the customer service desk. Paging Joe Walsh. We have a maintainance question for you. :rofl:

[spiders]

Thanks guys, think I'll try to save face and stop replying, else they'll change the meet and conveniently forget to tell me!

[Haggis]

Paging Joe Walsh .... would Mr. Walsh please come to the customer service desk. Paging Joe Walsh. We have a maintainance question for you. :rofl:
Joe is currently busy with his own high maintance G/F.



Thanks guys, think I'll try to save face and stop replying, else they'll change the meet and conveniently forget to tell me!
We wouldn't do that.

[spiders]

Thanks Haggis, but think I'll go by better safe than sorry! Would break my little heart to miss out on a string of these beauties, not to mention putting faces to you guys in the area. And I'll need to pick some brains for the mods I plan to do, too! All these ideas and no starting point....
And never worry, I don't take anything personally, just ask my Ex! heh heh (actually you can, too, he goes by hwystr on this site)

[Mike Poore]

just ask my Ex! heh heh (actually you can, too, he goes by hwystr on this site)

So, .....you got the MM in the settlement, huh? :banned:

Sorry Lorraine, I usually pass on opportunities like that, just thought, this time, for once, I'd beat the other guys to it. :corner:

Allow me to buy your first beer OK? :beer:

[spiders]

heh heh
He only wishes he had tried for it!

[Rider90]

So I printed this and put a copy on a friend's desk at work today..

It didn't take long before I saw it on the xerox machine.

[Mike Poore]

[quote=Rider90]quote]

BTW, young fella, you did a great job detailing your MM. Grandpa approves.:high5:

http://www.midwestpanthers.net/sigf22.jpg