dwasson
02-26-2006, 07:13 PM
The Battle For Piñata Rights
For over eight hundred years, man has been taking advantage of the docile Piñata. Filled with candy and other trinkets, they are often strung up and then bashed with sticks until their sweet insides rain onto the happy spectators below. While most people enjoy them at parties, few know of the lifetime of abuse that the Piñata endures.
"People seem to concentrate simply on the candy insides and fail to realize that they are killing a living, breathing creature. You wouldn't string up a dog or cat and club them until their insides dripped out then gleefully collect the entrails from the ground, yet people do exactly this with Piñatas," said Nathan Lane, co-founder of Piñata Rights International (PRI), a group whose goal is to end abuse of Piñatas worldwide. Lane is also a self proclaimed "master of disguise" and though twice tried, he has never been convicted of eating babies.
Piñata abuse has been going on since the 11th century, shortly after Marco Polo discovered Piñatas on a journey through China.
"Early Piñatas roamed free across the plains of China," said historian Megan Grace. "They were docile creatures, living off what grass and shrubs then could find. Their only natural enemy was the Yeti, which would climb down from the mountains in the night and leave with two or three Piñatas under his arms. He would devoured the Piñatas when he got back to his cave dwelling. This simple, peaceful life changed shortly after the arrival of Marco Polo."
Marco Polo was amazed by these creatures, and even more amazed when he inadvertently broke one open. Said Polo in one of his journals:
"I have come across the strangest new breed of beast. Their bodies are covered in brightly colored fur and they have large cartoonish looking eyes. They are gentle in nature and do not seem to fear me when I approach. Their insides are a delicious treat, unlike anything I have eaten before. I shall name them Piñata, after the Greek word for 'papier-mâché animal filled with candy that is traditionally broken open at celebrations by hitting it with a stick'."
When Marco Polo returned to wherever it was that he came from, he brought with him cages filled with Piñatas and great tales of free roaming Piñata herds.
Soon Piñata Fever swept across Europe, which was a welcome change from the Bubonic Plague that had previously been spreading. As the demand rose, so did the amount of Piñata hunters traveling to China. Soon the demand for Piñatas became so great that there just weren't enough free range Piñatas for Europe.
"It came to a point where hunting just could not supply enough Piñatas," said Grace. "That is when people began opening their own Piñata Farms, and when the true abuse began."
Piñata Farms vary widely in size. Some may house as many as 5,000 of these beasts, while small mom & pop farms may only have two or three. Piñatas are most often placed in small cages, sometimes stacked upon other cages or on poorly designed shelving that clearly does not meet required load balancing standards. Piñatas are fed daily a mixture of sugar and chocolate, which they find delicious but it often causes blindness, uncontrollable vomiting, headaches, neck pains, and erections that may last for over four hours. Their cages are often dirty and the Piñata Farms typically smell of urine and feecees. Few Piñatas ever experience life outside of their cages and as a result their legs become weak. It is not uncommon for the legs of a Piñata to actually collapse under the massive weight of the candy that pumps through their veins. Piñatas are kept caged until they are at least three years old, then transported in suitcases and wheelbarrows to the market to be sold to the highest bidder.
"The conditions at a Piñata farm are atrocious," said Lane, clearly emotional to the plight of the Piñata but not so emotional that he couldn't put on a Ronald Regan mask to get a quick laugh from the otherwise teary-eyed reporters. "These animals are forced into tiny cages, forced to eat sweets to sweeten their own candy, and then brutally sent off to slaughter once they come of age. Worse still, most Piñata farms have a strange fascination with the television show Blossom, recently released on DVD, and the helpless Piñatas are forced to watch her teenage angst for literally months at a time."
In addition to these already mentioned horrible atrocities, recently technological breakthroughs have lead to many farmers genetically altering the makeup of their Piñatas, something that is only legal to do to goats and celebrity children.
"Piñata embryos can be genetically altered on a cellular level before birth," explained Lane. "This allows farmers to not only change the colors of Piñatas, but also to force them to develop into other shapes such as Sponge Bob Squarepants, Scooby Doo, or Vice President Dick Chaney. While this is great for sales, it leaves the Piñata crippled, half-retarded, and often times very gassy. It is basically the same results as two human siblings producing an offspring or Mike Tyson having a child with anyone."
Piñata Rights International seeks to end this abuse first by levying heavy fines and jail time against those who participate in the import of illegally raised Piñatas.
"We have proposed a new law to the Federal Government that would place a $500 fine for every Piñata illegally brought into this country, and ten years of prison time," said Lane, who had now dawned a sailors hat was speaking with a sea captain's accent. "Yarrrr!" he then added.
PRI also seeks to cause problems for countries that allow the practice of Piñata farming. Perhaps the biggest offending country is China, who currently account for over 70% of all illegally raised Piñatas imported into the United States.
"We need to make sure other countries make it difficult for the Piñata Farms to continue operation," said Lane. "We propose to do this by firebombing the hell out of any country that knowingly or otherwise allows Piñata Farms to operate. Sure this will undoubtedly kill all the Piñatas in these countries, as they are highly flammable, but their painful, fiery death will ultimately save them years of suffering followed by an equally painful whacking death."
PRI is slated to meet before a joint session of Congress later this month where they will present their case and propose methods to stop this heinous trade.
"This is clearly one of the gravest instances of animal abuse since that lady with all the cats and dogs she forced to live on her bus," said Lane, now wearing a fashionable Hawaiian shirt and sipping from a coconut shaped glass. "We have high hopes the government will see just that and step in to put a stop to all this. After all, isn't 800 years of abuse long enough?"
For over eight hundred years, man has been taking advantage of the docile Piñata. Filled with candy and other trinkets, they are often strung up and then bashed with sticks until their sweet insides rain onto the happy spectators below. While most people enjoy them at parties, few know of the lifetime of abuse that the Piñata endures.
"People seem to concentrate simply on the candy insides and fail to realize that they are killing a living, breathing creature. You wouldn't string up a dog or cat and club them until their insides dripped out then gleefully collect the entrails from the ground, yet people do exactly this with Piñatas," said Nathan Lane, co-founder of Piñata Rights International (PRI), a group whose goal is to end abuse of Piñatas worldwide. Lane is also a self proclaimed "master of disguise" and though twice tried, he has never been convicted of eating babies.
Piñata abuse has been going on since the 11th century, shortly after Marco Polo discovered Piñatas on a journey through China.
"Early Piñatas roamed free across the plains of China," said historian Megan Grace. "They were docile creatures, living off what grass and shrubs then could find. Their only natural enemy was the Yeti, which would climb down from the mountains in the night and leave with two or three Piñatas under his arms. He would devoured the Piñatas when he got back to his cave dwelling. This simple, peaceful life changed shortly after the arrival of Marco Polo."
Marco Polo was amazed by these creatures, and even more amazed when he inadvertently broke one open. Said Polo in one of his journals:
"I have come across the strangest new breed of beast. Their bodies are covered in brightly colored fur and they have large cartoonish looking eyes. They are gentle in nature and do not seem to fear me when I approach. Their insides are a delicious treat, unlike anything I have eaten before. I shall name them Piñata, after the Greek word for 'papier-mâché animal filled with candy that is traditionally broken open at celebrations by hitting it with a stick'."
When Marco Polo returned to wherever it was that he came from, he brought with him cages filled with Piñatas and great tales of free roaming Piñata herds.
Soon Piñata Fever swept across Europe, which was a welcome change from the Bubonic Plague that had previously been spreading. As the demand rose, so did the amount of Piñata hunters traveling to China. Soon the demand for Piñatas became so great that there just weren't enough free range Piñatas for Europe.
"It came to a point where hunting just could not supply enough Piñatas," said Grace. "That is when people began opening their own Piñata Farms, and when the true abuse began."
Piñata Farms vary widely in size. Some may house as many as 5,000 of these beasts, while small mom & pop farms may only have two or three. Piñatas are most often placed in small cages, sometimes stacked upon other cages or on poorly designed shelving that clearly does not meet required load balancing standards. Piñatas are fed daily a mixture of sugar and chocolate, which they find delicious but it often causes blindness, uncontrollable vomiting, headaches, neck pains, and erections that may last for over four hours. Their cages are often dirty and the Piñata Farms typically smell of urine and feecees. Few Piñatas ever experience life outside of their cages and as a result their legs become weak. It is not uncommon for the legs of a Piñata to actually collapse under the massive weight of the candy that pumps through their veins. Piñatas are kept caged until they are at least three years old, then transported in suitcases and wheelbarrows to the market to be sold to the highest bidder.
"The conditions at a Piñata farm are atrocious," said Lane, clearly emotional to the plight of the Piñata but not so emotional that he couldn't put on a Ronald Regan mask to get a quick laugh from the otherwise teary-eyed reporters. "These animals are forced into tiny cages, forced to eat sweets to sweeten their own candy, and then brutally sent off to slaughter once they come of age. Worse still, most Piñata farms have a strange fascination with the television show Blossom, recently released on DVD, and the helpless Piñatas are forced to watch her teenage angst for literally months at a time."
In addition to these already mentioned horrible atrocities, recently technological breakthroughs have lead to many farmers genetically altering the makeup of their Piñatas, something that is only legal to do to goats and celebrity children.
"Piñata embryos can be genetically altered on a cellular level before birth," explained Lane. "This allows farmers to not only change the colors of Piñatas, but also to force them to develop into other shapes such as Sponge Bob Squarepants, Scooby Doo, or Vice President Dick Chaney. While this is great for sales, it leaves the Piñata crippled, half-retarded, and often times very gassy. It is basically the same results as two human siblings producing an offspring or Mike Tyson having a child with anyone."
Piñata Rights International seeks to end this abuse first by levying heavy fines and jail time against those who participate in the import of illegally raised Piñatas.
"We have proposed a new law to the Federal Government that would place a $500 fine for every Piñata illegally brought into this country, and ten years of prison time," said Lane, who had now dawned a sailors hat was speaking with a sea captain's accent. "Yarrrr!" he then added.
PRI also seeks to cause problems for countries that allow the practice of Piñata farming. Perhaps the biggest offending country is China, who currently account for over 70% of all illegally raised Piñatas imported into the United States.
"We need to make sure other countries make it difficult for the Piñata Farms to continue operation," said Lane. "We propose to do this by firebombing the hell out of any country that knowingly or otherwise allows Piñata Farms to operate. Sure this will undoubtedly kill all the Piñatas in these countries, as they are highly flammable, but their painful, fiery death will ultimately save them years of suffering followed by an equally painful whacking death."
PRI is slated to meet before a joint session of Congress later this month where they will present their case and propose methods to stop this heinous trade.
"This is clearly one of the gravest instances of animal abuse since that lady with all the cats and dogs she forced to live on her bus," said Lane, now wearing a fashionable Hawaiian shirt and sipping from a coconut shaped glass. "We have high hopes the government will see just that and step in to put a stop to all this. After all, isn't 800 years of abuse long enough?"