Chuck Norris

[CBT]

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris is suing NBC, claiming the show Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right leg.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, just another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard and fast, his foot broke the speed of light, traveled back in time, and knocked Amelia Earharts plane form the sky.
If Superman and the Flash were to race to the edge of space, know who would win? Chuck Norris.
During a fight with Wolverine a long long time ago, Chuck Norris had a testicle slashed off and he couldn't find it. You know it today by it's technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris drives a Marauder.

[Bluerauder]

Chuck Norris drives a Marauder.
Oh yeah, what's his screenname ?? :rolleyes:

[TripleTransAm]

This is priceless! I love it!

[dwasson]

Much has been made about the formidable powers that Chuck Norris possesses, and justifiably so. Due to the sheer quantity and quality of beatings he has administered, Norris has earned the right to have his name spoken in hushed whispers by a Chuck-fearing nation.

However, there is one man too powerful for even Chuck Norris to confront. And that man is Jack Bauer. We feel it is high time that everyone learned a bit more about the man entrusted to safeguard our national security:

When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic.

Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in.

Jack Bauer's saliva is bullet-proof.

After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,"Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."

Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.

Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day.

Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.

Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.

The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer's friends.

Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting ****-hammered.

Jack Bauer's nickname for Chuck Norris is "Aloysius Q. Vagina-Muffin".

Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.

Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three's Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.

On Jack Bauer's say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.

Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.

Coffee cannot start it's day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.

GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.

[TripleTransAm]

Oh MAN this is funny... keep 'em coming!

(speaking of Jack Bauer, can you just imagine what's the first thing to go through his mind when he wakes up in the morning... "oh crap, I wonder what the next 24 hours are going to be like...")

[Rider90]

You all forgot...

When Chuck Norris goes in water, Chuck Norris does not get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris invented water.
Since 1940 when Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related eaths have increased by 13,000 percent.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it's not because he's gay, it's because he ran out of women.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
To prove that cancer isn't a big deal, Chuck Norris smoked 17 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and got 7 kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong!
Chuck Norris can make any woman orgasm simply by pointing at them and saying "BOOYAAAAAA!"
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalkers real father.
Chuck Norris is the most venomous creature on the planet, not that wimpy Australian box jellyfish. 2 seconds after being bitten by Chuck Norris, victims experience: fever, blurred vision, a beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly roundhouse kicked thru a car windshield.
Chuck Norris beat Jack Bauer in the 2005 World Poker Championship with nothing more than a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from an Uno game, and a get out of jail free card from Monopoly.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris was the Fourth Wiseman. He brought baby ***** the gift of 'beard'. ***** wore it proudly till his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of *****' obvious gift favoritism, used thier combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took back his soul. Satan, who appreciates irony, said "I should have seen that coming.", and couldn't stay mad at Chuck Norris. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

[dwasson]

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re screwed.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a wuss” in a sentence and lived to tel-

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

There is no such thing as the theory of evolution, but only a list of animals Jack Bauer has allowed to live.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris beat Jack Bauer in the 2005 World Poker Championship with nothing more than a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from an Uno game, and a get out of jail free card from Monopoly.


The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.


Oh... my ... G-O-D... this is all some of the funniest shidt I have read in a long long long time. I am sitting here on my couch in tears, fearing for my laptop's life from shorting out due to peeing myself.

:bows: :bows: :bows:

Edit: this thread gets my vote for the funniest thread ever!
(wiping tears from my eyes after coughing up a lung) whew, back to the Powerpoint presentation...

[CBT]

Jack Bauer once asked Chuck Norris "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Chuck Norris shouted "HOW DARE YOU RYHME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out Jack Bauers throat. Holding Jack Bauers bloody throat in his hand he bellowed "Don't ***** with Chuck!" 5 years and 7 months later he realized the irony of his own statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hunnerd mile radius of the blast went deaf.

[Haggis]

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[duhtroll]

That's nothing. They are both Vin Diesel's b|tches. Random facts about Vin Diesel can be found here:

http://www.4q.cc/index.php?pid=fact&person=vin

[CBT]

Chuck Norris decided to bottle his own urine and sell it. Red Bull.

While on a hunting trip in the Australian Outback, using nothing but his legs as weapons, Chuck Norris brought a still born baby kangaroo back to life by simply rubbing his beard on the little 'roos head. As he was doing this word spread across Australia and the people gathered in amazement. Australia cheered as the little lamb jumped around. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the little lamb to death and yelled "The good Chuck can giveth, and the good Chuck can taketh away!" Australia still cries.

[CBT]

Scientists used to think that diamonds were the worlds hardest substance. Then they met Chuck Norris who roundhouse kicked them in the face so hard and so fast with so much heat and pressure, they turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is solely responsible for a ducks quack not making an echo.
Chuck Norris drinks Napalm to quell an upset stomache.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris went to a McDonalds drive up window. Jack Bauer gave him the wrong items so Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the building so hard it turned into a KFC and Jack Bauer was fired. He later changed his name to Dave Hasselhoff and made a living starring on cheesey shows such as Knight Rider, Baywatch, and Inside The Village People.

[stryker]

:banana2: I can't believe that CHUCK NORRIS own a Marauder !Hmmmm! I was thinking that one of the members of this site could be him but hidden in a nick that will be :woohoo: !Heeyyy Chuck ! if you're here :welcome1: to the "M" PANTHER ZONE.


STRYKER.

[alarmguy]

These guys got nothin' on Dick Cheney. Saw this posted on another forum this morning:


• Dick Cheney once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

• Crop circles are Dick Cheney’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

• Dick Cheney is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Dick Cheney out. It failed miserably.

• Contrary to popular belief, Dick Cheney, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Dick Cheney has 72... and they're all poisonous.

• If you ask Dick Cheney what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

• Dick Cheney drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

• When Dick Cheney sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Dick Cheney has not had to pay taxes, ever.

• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Dick Cheney’s fist.

• Dick Cheney invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

• Dick Cheney can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Dick Cheney allows to live.

• What was going through the minds of all of Dick Cheney’s victims before they died? His shoe.

• Dick Cheney is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

• Police label anyone attacking Dick Cheney as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

• Dick Cheney doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

• Dick Cheney doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Dick Cheney and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

• Dick Cheney will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

• Someone once videotaped Dick Cheney getting pissed off. It was called The Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

• If you spell Dick Cheney in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

• Dick Cheney originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Cheney replied, "That's no glitch."

• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Dick Cheney once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

• The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Dick Cheney played in second grade.

• Dick Cheney once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

• Dick Cheney once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Dick Cheney re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

• Dick Cheney has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

• Someone once tried to tell Dick Cheney that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Dick Cheney once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

• Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Dick Cheney’s warm-up exercises.

• Dick Cheney is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

• In the Bible, ***** turned water into wine. But then Dick Cheney turned that wine into beer.

• Dick Cheney can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Dick Cheney.

• Dick Cheney discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Dick Cheney is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Dick Cheney roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

• Dick Cheney doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

• The Dick Cheney military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Dick Cheney could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Dick Cheney could use to kill you, including the room itself.

• According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Dick Cheney walks.

• Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

• When Dick Cheney goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

• There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Dick Cheney has breathed on.

• Dick Cheney once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Dick Cheney won by 5.

• Dick Cheney was the fourth wise man, who gave baby ***** the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that ***** showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• Dick Cheney sheds his skin twice a year.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer auditioned for the part of Clemenza in The Godfather, but lost the role when he kept taking the gun and leaving the cannoli.

[BruteForce]

Dick Cheney ... could ... give a shotgun blast standing

he he. :P :nono: :shake:

[CBT]

Chuck Norris invented time travel for the sole purpose of preventing the Kennedy assasination. He arrived in time for his powerful beard to deflect all three of Oswalds bullets. Kennedys head actually exploded out of shear amazement. Afterward, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his time machine to death, vowing never again to time travel via machine.

Chuck Norris only ma$terbate$ to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Although it isn't common knowledge, there are actually 3 sides to 'The Force'. The light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

[fastblackmerc]

This some gooood *****.....

[duhtroll]

Vin Diesel beat them all in thumbwrestling . . .

EDIT - Vin Diesel sounds better - almost as if it's made up.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your arse, don't be offended or hurt, he may just be trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He sat down in a vacant lot and sure enough, within an hour of rubbing his mega powerful beard, a bar had been built around him. He ordered a shot, drank it, then burned and roundhouse kicked the bar to smithereens. Chuck Norris was heard yelling over the flames, "Always leave things the way you found them!"

[CBT]

Before science was invented it was believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existance, knocking all the leaves off.

In the original pilot episode of Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can clearly be seen powering the Enterprises warp drive with his tremendous roundhouse kicks.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris snorts Dom Peirgnon and pees Vin Diesel.

[Sully008]

Oh man, I was wondering when the Chuck Norris owns all thread would appear here... That's some funny reading! But I only have one thing to say:

My avatar > Chuck Norris.:lol:

[CBT]

Chuck Norris threw a roundhouse kick all up in Godzilla. Bruce Lee flew out.

[pantheroc]

You guys are Whacked!! I'm entertained, so keep them coming....:)

[StevenJ]

Vin Diesel beat them all in thumbwrestling . . .

EDIT - Vin Diesel sounds better - almost as if it's made up.

Vin Diesel sucks and he should quit making movies. I hate FnF and XXX sucks. David Haselhoff and Mc Guyver could take on Chuck Norris though. Haselhoff will hop in Kitt and run after Norris while Mc Guyver figures out how to rig up a bomb out of news paper and gun powder! The end!

[2003 MIB]

..enough. I am Chuck Norris and yes I own a Marauder. Yes, it's really me.

[CBT]

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds from death.

McGuyver can make an airplane out of Jack Bauers underwear, a toothpick, and an empty 7-Up can. Chuck Norris can kill McGuyver and fly it.

[the_pack_rat]

Y'know .....

If you all are gonna talk about the Texas Ranger .....

You could at least include some Nia Peeples & Sheree Wilson pics.

Geeeeeez.





















:P

[duhtroll]

That's kinda the point.

Vin Diesel is my hero. If someone that stupid and without talent can make millions, there's hope for the rest of us.

or maybe not.

Duhn-Duhn-DUHHHHHHH! (scream)

Vin Diesel removed a wad of something that looked like Chuck Norris from his ear. Turns out it was MacGyver, who had just eaten Chuck Norris with a side order of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan in a Stallone/Schwarzenegger sauce.

:P


Vin Diesel sucks and he should quit making movies. I hate FnF and XXX sucks. David Haselhoff and Mc Guyver could take on Chuck Norris though. Haselhoff will hop in Kitt and run after Norris while Mc Guyver figures out how to rig up a bomb out of news paper and gun powder! The end!

[duhtroll]

Erik Estrada is cool.

[2003 MIB]

Erik Estrada is cool.

..enough. I am Erik Estrada and yes I own a Marauder. Yes, it's really me.

[duhtroll]

"Sam" the guy from Quincy is cool. . .

[2003 MIB]

"Sam" the guy from Quincy is cool. . .

Okay, now you're just baiting me Andrew!!!!- Dan Fielding from Night Court was much cooler than Sam from Quincy.

[CBT]

Cloning is banned because Chuck Norris cloned Chuck Norris and they both felt instantly threatened by the other Chuck Norris and they roundhouse kicked each others roundhouse kick and destroyed the universe. Aliens found a strand of Chuck Norris' magnificant beard hair floating thru space and brought him back using....cloning. Chuck Norris doesn't clone around anymore.

[Haggis]

Okay, now you're just baiting me Andrew!!!!- Dan Fielding from Night Court was much cooler than Sam from Quincy.
So now I guess your Dan Fielding.

One day Batman ate an order of Catwoman and had to ***** really bad and out came Robin. Robin sneezed and gave birth to Kato. Kato puked and out from the vomit came Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris then picked his nose and out came Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer J/O and made Vin Diesel.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris counted to Infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris oredered a Big Mac at Burger King. And got it.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light on, because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Rudolphs' red nose? Yep, Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris broke the land speed record on a bicycle that had a flat front tire and no chain for the back one.

[2003 MIB]

So now I guess your Dan Fielding.

Now you're just being silly.:P

[the fat bastid]

Vin Diesel's middle name is "Vin Diesel"

[CBT]

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood. It's just not his.

[duhtroll]

Funny, Darth Vader has never heard of Chuck Norris (as a force in and of himself), and Darth is/knows all.

www.sithsense.com

Ernest Borgnine is cool . . .

[CBT]

If Darth Vader has five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris still has more money than Darth Vader.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty.

[duhtroll]

Ernest Borgnine's eyebrows once clashed with Chuck Norris' beard. The resulting explosion destroyed the solar system and knocked Alpha Centauri off its axis. When the dust had cleared, the eyebrows (which had never been trimmed for lack of a substance hard enough or sharp enough to trim them) remained, chuckling evilly. They remade the solar system out of one single hair.

Ernest Borgnine ate 12 Chuck Norriss and then ate 12 more during the Super Bowl (which pitted Ernest Borgnine disguised as the Pittsburgh Steelers defeating the Seahawks) as part of a "two-for-one" special.

Speaking of which, Ditka is bigger than Norris and Ernest Borgnine combined.

And speaking of THAT, Frank Sinatra has Ditka on a leash.

So there.

:P

-A

[CBT]

After Chuck Norris takes a big healthy Ernest Borgnine, he wipes his Darth Vader, using Vin Diesel for toilet paper. Then he gives his Jack Bauer a couple shakes and has McGuyver zip up his fly for him.

When David Banner gets mad, he turns into The Hulk. When The Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

What's the capitol of 23 of the United States as well as 57 different countries? Chuck Norris.

The amount of deaths in relation to Chuck Norris giving people the finger is directly proportional.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

[dwasson]

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

[dwasson]

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

[dwasson]

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's beef dammit.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

[dwasson]

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

[dwasson]

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using niether rock, paper nor scissors.

[dwasson]

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?

[dwasson]

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

[dwasson]

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

[dwasson]

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

[CBT]

Man I'm laughing my a$$ off at the Jack Bauer ones!! I didn't even know there was a line of 24 jokes, some of them are hysterical.

Pee Wee Herman gets arrested for public ma$terbation, Chuck Norris gets an award for it.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about daylight savings time, the sun comes up and goes down when Chuck Norris tells it to.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen San Diego is.

When Chuck Norris requires surgery, anesthesia is applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear a pair of glasses. The result was he was able to see completely around the world and stare at the back of his own head.

[dwasson]

Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a terrorist.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.

[dwasson]

There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.

It took God six days to get His job done; Jack has 24 hours.

Jack Bauer has no friends, because as a child when he would play cops and robbers, the robbers would all be interogated and killed.

After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

[dwasson]

Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"

On Jack Bauers Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.

Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.

Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people. Then Jack snapped Chuck Norris' neck into 24 pieces.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer doesn't use his x-ray vision because he doesn't need it.

The only reason Chuck Norris is alive is because Jack Bauer needs someone to make fun of.

If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

[dwasson]

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Norris' head!

Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”.

[dwasson]

Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…

Strippers tip Jack Bauer.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

When Jack Bauer goes to church to pray, he simply goes up the the priest and says, "Put him through."

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer once played Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris in a "who has the most testacles contest". He beat them both by a combined total of 46.

Chuck Norris is a Texas ranger only because Jack Bauer wont allow him to be a federal agent.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once stared at a woman for 30 seconds and got her pregnant.

Jack Bauer doesn't wash his clothes. He tortures them until they're clean.

[dwasson]

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was

an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.

Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.

[CBT]

Good Lord! When I started this thread I meant to make other people laugh, not me! The Jack Bauers are causing my sides and stomache to hurt from laughing!!

[StevenJ]

All right, where's the Jack Bauer jokes from? I know the Chuck Norris ones are comming from chucknorrisfacts.com but what about the Bauer ones and why isn't there a sight for Mc Guyver or better yet, David Hasselhof joke site! No one can top the Knight Rider! "Kitt, go to super pursuit mode!" That Firebird is indestructible man. Chuck Norris could roundhouse kick Kitt's fender and it still wouldn't dent. As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris would probably break his leg if he tried.

[Dark_Knight7096]

IDK if this was said yet but these are my 3 favorite:

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If Chuck Norris punches you in the uterus you become pregnant. Don't even try to get an abortion, it will just make the fetus stronger.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks and his unparalled martial arts ability. After the transaction was completed Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Satan in the face and took his soul back, Satan, not without a sense of irony, said, "I should have seen it coming." They now play poker every other Wednesday.

[CBT]

David Hasselhoff cooked Thanksgiving dinner once for Ernest Borgnine, Darth Vader, McGuyver, Bruce Lee, Jack Bauer, Ted Kennedy, and Chuck Norris. When David burned the turkey and started crying Chuck said "no problem" and ran into the woods and emerged with a live turkey. He swallowed it whole in front of everyone. 10 minutes later he barfed a perfectly cooked turkey that even had cranberry sauce. When they said "How did you do that?", Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them all in the face to death, saying "Never question Chuck Norris." He consumed the entire turkey dinner along with each body except Ted Kennedys, which he drank instead, because during the slaughter, the bottle of wine had got broken.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris' alias? Chuck Norris!

[duhtroll]

I finally got up the nerve to see that "Brokeback Mountain" movie.

You know, starring Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer.

:cowboy: :pirate: :cloud9: :lovies: :surprise: :hug2: :lovies2:

Then Jack Bauer kicked Chuck Norris' a$$ because he said he would rather do the scene with his horse.

OK, that was over the top. I apologize - something about pygmies in New Guinea.

[dwasson]

John Bolton's Peace Prize Nomination Facts

Hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:

* Author of "China Shopping For Bulls - The John Bolton Guide to Diplomacy"

* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money

* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.

* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.

* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.

* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.

* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.

* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.

* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.

* Of course, who doesn't?

* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.

* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.

* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.

* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.

* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.

* Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump

* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."

* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.

* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.

* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".

[CBT]

Chuck Norris invented the Internet while viciously roundhouse kicking Al Gore in the back of the head. Now, Chuck Norris is the only human in existance who can e-mail the deadly roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris also invented math: His foot+your face=a roundhouse. Kick was the first math problem ever solved.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris once had to swim for forty days straight because Noah couldn't find 2 of him.
Chuck Norris' denim jacket is made out of Batman's ass.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer named his cat Chuck Norris because it is a pu$$y

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

[dwasson]

When Google can't find something they ask Jack Bauer for help.

[dwasson]

When Batman is in trouble he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

[dwasson]

When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.

[TripleTransAm]

Whatever you guys are doing to find these one-liners, please don't stop! This type of humour is right up my alley. I'm giggling like a little girl right now...

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn’t laugh.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

[dwasson]

When Jack Bauer asks, “Who are you working for?,” it’s retorical. He knows who you’re working for. And he’s already killed them, too.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer demands commercial breaks. Otherwise terrorists die too quickly.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer never takes a crap. The only thing he eliminates is people.

[dwasson]

Jessie “The Body” Ventura may not have time to bleed, But Jack Bauer doesn’t have time to die! Especially when there are terrorist on the loose.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer doesn’t believe in France.

[dwasson]

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm so screwed".

[dwasson]

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

[dwasson]

If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer has had sex with every woman in the world, including Chuck Norris.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

[MaLo03]

OMG! Long live Jack Bauer

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

[CBT]

Bigfoot was once spotted by Chuck Norris, but after staring at each other for a few minutes Chuck Norris unzipped his pants thinking it was a competition....Bigfoot ran crying into the woods, never to be seen again.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris doesn't laugh, he makes Jack Bauer laugh for him.

[dwasson]

Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris found the wrong way to eat a Reeses peanut butter cup.

[dwasson]

If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

[CBT]

By the time Chuck Norris graduated from college he had slept with every female on campus, and he was only there one weekend.

[dwasson]

The Swiss Army Knife MacGuyver uses was a present from Jack Bauer.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris invented 'doggy-style', except he calls it 'Chuck Norris-style', and you'd better too.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer's gun reloads its self because Jack wants it to.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer doesnt urinate or deficate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.

[dwasson]

When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol.

[dwasson]

While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

[dwasson]

After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary for president just so he could assassinate her.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer's been known to refer to himself in the third person.

signed,
Jack Bauer

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

[dwasson]

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

[dwasson]

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."

[dwasson]

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer

[Leadfoot281]

Chuck Norris is so cool, he pi$$es ice cubes.

[CBT]

Earth used to spin in the opposite direction. Chuck Norris put a stop to that craziness.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris does not tea-bag...he potato sacks.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris killed all nine lives of a cat with just one roundhouse kick.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris orders his condoms directly from Goodyear. He needs them as strong as possible in order to shield the ladies from the blast of his ejaculation.

Chuck Norris doesn't get STDs... he once roundhouse kicked the AIDS virus straight out of his lover.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks are sponsored by Excedrin and Extra Strength Tylenol.

The Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" was inspired by his fallen enemies.

Chuck Norris discovered oil.

[Haggis]

Chuck Norris blows his nose with 50 grit sandpaper.

[CBT]

If you tell Chuck Norris "there is no I in TEAM" he replies "No, but there are two in NITWIT" and then roundhouse kicks you until NITWIT is clearly visible on your sunken chest cavity.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris doesn't need a GPS unit: he roundhouse kicks the nearest object and examines the echo to determine where he is.

Chuck Norris once made one of the faces on Mount Rushmore cry.

Chuck Norris' appendix once burst split seconds after an emergency appendectomy... the blast killed 2 doctors and a nurse, and flattened half the ward. The noise woke him up and he wheeled himself to the recovery room after stitching himself up. Still one of his favorite stories to tell at a party.

Chuck Norris' truck is On-Star equipped, but only so the On-Star personnel can call him when they need help.

Chuck Norris invented the V8 after roundhouse kicking a straight-16 engine.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris' weiner is so big it has it's own weiner, and that weiners weiner is still bigger than your weiner.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris was only mildly impressed with the original A-bomb... he subsequently discovered nuclear fusion by roundhouse kicking two atoms together. To this day, some of the wind you feel outdoors on a daily basis is left over from that original kick.

Chuck Norris only uses winter boots when roundhouse kicking Eskimos, he prefers the way they grip.

Chuck Norris downhill-ski's a mountain both ways.

Chuck Norris caused last year's great Tsunami when he roundhouse kicked a starfish while deep-sea diving.

Chuck Norris was visiting an abandoned mine in the south edge of England when he was informed of his films being badly overdubbed in France. One week and a couple of hundred roundhouse kicks later, the Chunnel was open for traffic.

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer CAN eat only one Lays Potato Chip.

[Bluerauder]

Want to know what Chuck thinks of all of this?? Found this letter on his site at >>>> http://www.chucknorris.com/


"IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET


I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris."

I also heard that he was supposed to be passing through Hampton Roads area this weekend. :rofl:

[dwasson]

Want to know what Chuck thinks of all of this?? Found this letter on his site...
Jack Bauer doesn't care what Chuck Norris thinks about it.

[Mike Poore]

:banana2: I can't believe that CHUCK NORRIS own a Marauder !Hmmmm! I was thinking that one of the members of this site could be him but hidden in a nick that will be :woohoo: !Heeyyy Chuck ! if you're here :welcome1: to the "M" PANTHER ZONE.


STRYKER.

Holy Chuck Batman! He owns a Marauder, for sure? Anyway, I Googled Chuck Norris' Mercury Marauder and this came up! :eek:


MercuryMarauder.net (http://www.mercurymarauder.net/) <TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=j>The only discussion forum dedicated to the mercury marauder. ... Chuck Norris. CBT. 02-14-2006 06:05 PM. 02-14-2006 11:41 PM by TripleTransAm ...
www.mercurymarauder.net/ - 61k - Feb 14, 2006 - <NOBR>Cached (http://72.14.207.104/search?q=cache:HmchU3KbC2kJ:ww w.mercurymarauder.net/+Chuck+Norris%27+Mercury+Marau der&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=1) - Similar pages (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=related:www.mercurymarauder. net/)</NOBR></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Astonishing!

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer is cool even in a grey Taurus.

[Bluerauder]

Jack Bauer is cool even in a grey Taurus.
Now you are starting to stretch my gullibility !!! :rolleyes:

[CBT]

Chuck Norris was only mildly impressed with the original A-bomb... he subsequently discovered nuclear fusion by roundhouse kicking two atoms together. To this day, some of the wind you feel outdoors on a daily basis is left over from that original kick.



Chuck Norris was visiting an abandoned mine in the south edge of England when he was informed of his films being badly overdubbed in France. One week and a couple of hundred roundhouse kicks later, the Chunnel was open for traffic. GOOD ONES!!

[CBT]

Chuck Norris can roll 'snake eyes' with only one die.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris is on contract with NASA. For every launch, he stands at the base of the launch pad in ready-to-kick position, just in case the shuttle fails to release itself from the launch pad support structure.

Chuck Norris once fell asleep in the middle of an episode of "24".

[Big House]

Jack Bauer is the only man to get pregnant and deliver his child himself without aniestia. He named him Chuck.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris is on contract with NASA. For every launch, he stands at the base of the launch pad in ready-to-kick position, just in case the shuttle fails to release itself from the launch pad support structure.

Chuck Norris once fell asleep in the middle of an episode of "24".Nice !!:beer:

[CBT]

Christmas should actually be on December 24th. Chuck Norris said "Happy Birthday" a day late, and Chuck is never wrong.

[CBT]

Kirasawa once filmed the Godzilla vs. Mothra sized bowel movements of Chuck Norris. It was so big and powerful, they had to break the movie into segments, and air them on T.V. under the title '24'.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris has more Time than Morris Day.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris invented the high speed movie camera because regular cameras couldn't catch his roundhouse kicks for his movies... in one frame his opponents would be standing, the next they'd be flat. The only evidence of a kick was the occasional scuffle on his shoe.

Chuck Norris just saved a ton of money on his car insurance.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.

[Haggis]

Chuck Norris invented the high speed movie camera because regular cameras couldn't catch his roundhouse kicks for his movies... in one frame his opponents would be standing, the next they'd be flat. The only evidence of a kick was the occasional scuffle on his shoe.

Chuck Norris just saved a ton of money on his car insurance.
Batman doesn't need car insurance.

[TripleTransAm]

Batman doesn't need car insurance.

People need car insurance because of Batman.

Chuck Norris is actually black-listed from one insurance company because he once killed the wrong duck while hunting (with a roundhouse kick, if I recall).

[CBT]

People need car insurance because of Batman.

Chuck Norris is actually black-listed from one insurance company because he once killed the wrong duck while hunting (with a roundhouse kick, if I recall).You guys are crazy!!

Chuck Norris once swallowed an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans being folded by Mr. Miyagi. Enraged at the site of such a beautiful scene inside his toilet bowl, he roundhouse kicked them all to death. Wax OFF, suckas!

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris once auditioned for a film role in Terms of Endearment and of course got it. Unfortunately, most if not all of his scenes were cut from the final movie release, but a bootleg "Director's Cut" version does exist and is apparently worth quite a bit of money.

[Haggis]

Chuck Norris once auditioned for a film role in Terms of Endearment and of course got it. Unfortunately, most if not all of his scenes were cut from the final movie release, but a bootleg "Director's Cut" version does exist and is apparently worth quite a bit of money.
Chuck Norris makes the TERMS!! And says endearment is for wusses.

[duhtroll]

Chuck Norris once tried to enter an Ugly Contest and was told, "Sorry, no professionals."

Ronald Reagan didn't have the heart to tell Chuck Norris that his acting in "Walker, Texas Ranger" was forgettable, so Ronald Reagan just told the world that he had Alzheimer's.

After a night of passionate love with Tony Danza, Chuck Norris took the morning after pill, fearing an unwanted pregnancy.

No matter how many fortune cookies Chuck Norris opens, they always say "Fight like a girl."

When Chuck Norris uses Verizon Wireless, you can't hear him now.

Chuck Norris is the only person with no matches on eHarmony.com.

Chuck Norris stayed in high school for 7 years until someone finally signed his yearbook.

Chuck Norris' recites a line from The Notebook as his finishing move in a scrapped version of Mortal Kombat.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can enter a strip club with $500 and leave with $500.

Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.


I'll just post this anti-Chuck Norris site and be done with it. Much easier than replying a bunch of times.

http://www.pointsincase.com/anti_chuck_facts.htm (it's got some language and probably NSFW) I wonder why some of the "anti" ones are positive ones, though.

Nothing against Chuck Norris - just feel the other side should be heard. Now all Chaz has to do is roundhouse kick them, right?

-A

[dwasson]

Batman doesn't need car insurance.

When Batman is trouble he uses the Jack Bauer signal.

[Chuck Norris]

I roundhouse kick you all, which should close the thread.

That is, if I am Chuck Norris. :P

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris bites the tips off his steel-toed boots whenever he's in the mood to wear sandals.

[Jack Bauer]

Enough!!!


There's 10 Bad Mutha Fu%^#&$ (F@%^#&$) on this earth, and 9 of them send me Christmas cards!!!

[Bluerauder]

There's 10 Bad Mutha Fu%^#&$ (F@%^#&$) on this earth, and 9 of them send me Christmas cards!!!
Yeah, and never a thank you either. Hey, put stamps on yours next year OK !! :fishslap:

[jgc61sr2002]

I roundhouse kick you all, which should close the thread.

That is, if I am Chuck Norris. :P


Welcome Chuck:D :lol: :rofl: :laugh:

[Chuck Norris]

Hey Jack -

off.

Where did ya get that photo? Your musical theater group?

Mine's from right after I won the super bowl -- every year. Also did the halftime show jumping from the moon to land on the 50-yd line. Don't mind the tux - I don't need a spacesuit.

Be careful before I roundhouse kick your nancy boy face.

Too late.

(WHAP!)

(Jerk, er Jack goes off to figure out why his cell phone never needs a battery - here's a hint - it's cause no one is ever on the other end. He's making it up to seem like he's important. Another free hint, Junk, er Jack, important people don't carry cell phones. Those of us that are the most important don't even NEED them. We have telepathy, you pathetic wannabe.)

-Chuck

(Relax, it's all in fun! If I were *really* serious, Jock, er Jack would not be here anymore.) :P

[Chuck Norris]

Oh yeah, and I am able to protect people from dying.

S'ok - you'll learn, eventually. Anytime ya wanna come over for some free a$$ kickin' lessons, I can pencil you in between 3 and 3:00:01. It will go quickly because I know you like to have things happen in "real time." :rolleyes:


:P

[TripleTransAm]

I roundhouse kick you all, which should close the thread.

That is, if I am Chuck Norris. :P


What's up, Chuck?

[merc6]

Until now I can officaly say I seen everything!

[TripleTransAm]

Until now I can officaly say I seen everything!

Chuck Norris has seen everything... twice.

Chuck Norris was not allowed to roundhouse kick on his last space mission during his spacewalk. With the lack of atmosphere to slow him down, the roundhouse kicks get picked up by Earth's astronomers as a pulsar.

[Mike Poore]

That is, if I am Chuck Norris. :P

Nope, you are Logan...... and now, I understand .....a very funny guy. :revenge:

[Jack Bauer]

Oh yeah, and I am able to protect people from dying.

S'ok - you'll learn, eventually. Anytime ya wanna come over for some free a$$ kickin' lessons, I can pencil you in between 3 and 3:00:01. It will go quickly because I know you like to have things happen in "real time." :rolleyes:


:P


What are you still doing here Up....Chuck. This aint no pie eatin contest. I guess you got back early from reserving your copy of Brokeback Mountain.

[CBT]

The minute Chuck Norris was born the attending nurse exclaimed "Holy cow! It's Chuck Norris!" Chuck Norris then made love to her. She was the third woman he had sex with.

[cb13]

Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary for president just so he could assassinate her.

:D i can't take it any more.....this one put me over the top. it took me the better part of 5 minutes to stop laughing. that is hilarious!

[duhtroll]

Hillary Clinton cannot be assassinated.

Demons need to be exorcised.

-A

[Jack Bauer]

I once broke my own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.

[the_pack_rat]

I must have missed this last year.

Copy & pasted from a leading news website :




April 1, 2005

Ford Motor Co had previously announced it would no longer offer the long running and popular "Eddie Bauer" option on it's Explorer & Expedition SUV's. The Eddie Bauer package was to have been replaced with a new option package called the "Jack Bauer" begining with the 2006 model year.

However, Ford's initial in-house testing proved this option, would make these popular cash-cows for Ford Motor Co, virtually immortal & beyond destruction. Ford's board of directors had no choice but to promptly pull the plug on the idea, before the retail 2006 models went into production.

One of the board members who would only identify himself as "A Stockholder", was quoted as saying .....

"While we expected the initial sales to be record-breaking, we projected they would fall sharpley in just a couple of years. If you can't wreck them & they don't break ... most consumers would never have the need or reason to buy another, which would ultimately put us out of business".

The few prototype Jack Bauers(re-badged 2005 Eddie Bauers) that were made had been scheduled to be destroyed, but mysteriously disappeared after an invitation only pre-production un-veiling while the idea was still a scheduled "go".

A few high-profile people rumored to have been at this invitation only un-veiling included :

Jack Bauer himself, Chuck Norris, Jay Leno, Tim Allen, Steven King, Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvestor Stallone.

Tapes from all the surveilence cameras from the plant on that day, have mysteriously disappeared as well. Authorities are still in the process of interviewing security personnel from the plant as of press time.

A few UN-confirmed rumors that are floating around since the investigation has gotten underway :

1) Jack Bauer - took at least one of them - just drove if off the grounds & off into the sunset. No one stopped him.

2) Chuck Norris - & an un-identified man he kept refering to as "Trivette", were seen leaving the plant's gate in a silver Ram pickup, pulling an enclosed trailer - contents unknown.

3) Jay Leno - was also seen leaving pulling an enclosed trailer(also contents unknown) behind a gold Oldsmobile.

4) Tim Allen - at this point seems to be in the clear, at least from any obvious wrong-doing. He was seen leaving the plant as (1) of 2 passengers in car(no trailer behind it) driven by a man with a beard and a plaid shirt, identity unknown. The other passenger's identity could not be confirmed either, as a full view of his face was apparently blocked by what was thought to be a piece of stockade fence. Some thought they heard Tim refer to him as Wilson, but they were not 100% certain.

5) Steven King - was said to have a couple of people with him at the un-veiling. They were last seen leaving the premises pulling an enlcosed trailer behind a red 1958 Plymouth.

A week prior to this un-veiling, Steven King had announced he may persue a re-make of his well known "Christine", using a modern day SUV. The SUV would exhibit the same traits the original Christine had, such as a mind of it's own of sorts, the ability to fix itself, & it's eery way of escaping death, time & time again, no matter what kind of punishment you threw at it. Steve King was quoted as saying, "the idea is still up in the air, I just can't seem to find just the right prop SUV/vehicle yet".

UPDATE -

Just released on the Associated Press website before this went to print :

"Steven King has confirmed plans to go ahead with his updated Christine re-make. Keep an eye out in the theaters for "The Jack Bauer" to debut sometime in early 2007.

6) Steven Seagal - in the clear at this point. He never even made it to the un-veiling. In a telephone interview regarding his absence, he was quoted as saying - "They(Ford Motor Co) was supposed to send a limo for me, instead all they sent me was an invitation. I guess they expected me to find my own way thre. Well being I can't really read, as I am just as dumb as a post in REAL life, as I am on-screen, there was no way I could drive myself without knowing the address. But who cares, cause I can kick your ass, I'm STEVEN SEAGAL ..... WTF was my limo !?!?!?".

7) Arnold Schwarzenegger - copy & paste details of # 6 above.

8) Sylvestor Stallone - also telephoned regarding his absence & was quoted as saying - "I didn't go, I changed my mind ...... think bout' it eh ?. I hadda nice black Transa Am back in the day. I kept hitting trashcans with the damn thing tho ... howa ma' gonna driva a bigga SUV eh ?. I'mma not buying nutha' car to just give it to Pauli later y'know ? .... let him buy his own damn car dis time". Editors note - Sly would spit out .... "Yo ADRIAN" every 2 minutes in our conversation for no apparent rhyme or reason, don't know what that was all about, perhaps he really is "punch drunk".

Further updates on this story will be provided as we get them.














* standard disclaimers apply -
all the above was purely FICTIONAL & for entertainment purposes only
:P

[CBT]

Every book ever written by Steven King is an ongoing autobiographical account of the life and times of Chuck Norris' left testicle. All the of Lord of The Rings, Batman, and Matrix movies an account of his right one.

That killer Tsunami in Sri Lanka was caused when Chuck Norris went deep sea diving and roundhouse kicked a starfish that looked at him funny.

Chuck Norris is currently in Charleston, SC until Monday morning. It is very nice here.

[Marauderman]

Every book ever written by Steven King is an ongoing autobiographical account of the life and times of Chuck Norris' left testicle. All the of Lord of The Rings, Batman, and Matrix movies an account of his right one.

That killer Tsunami in Sri Lanka was caused when Chuck Norris went deep sea diving and roundhouse kicked a starfish that looked at him funny.

Chuck Norris is currently in Charleston, SC until Monday morning. It is very nice here.
So..whats he doing in Charleston..??..know the area well............

[CBT]

My wife is here for her job, we came to visit since it is a holiday weekend. This place is beautiful. Today, we took the carriage ride tour. Afterwards, I roundhouse kicked the mules pulling the carriage just to remind them who kicks harder....

[CBT]

Chuck Norris kicked the black off Michael Jackson, and most of his nose.

[CBT]

Helen Kellers favorite color is Chuck Norris

Great White Sharks made a deal with Chuck Norris at the dawn of time; they stay in the water if he stays on land.

One day at school the teacher asked Chuck Norris to say his 'ABC's. Chuck Norris spelled his name. The teacher said "That's great, now say your ABC's."
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the teacher into tomorrow's recess and said "Chuck Norris doesn't repeat himself."

Chuck Norris was expelled from daycare for clapping other babies together like he was cleaning the chalk out of the erasers. He called it 'Blapping'.

[CBT]

If you playback a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris in super slow motion frame by frame, you will see him bend over Jack Bauer and give him the business, smoke a cigarette with Dennis Leary, dry shave a gorilla in a phone booth, and make 7 prank phone calls on YOUR cell phone before the fatal kick hits its victim.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris was once offered the job of Death. He responded by snatching Satans left te$ticle off and streaking Chuck naked thru Middle Earth, where he cast Satans 'precious' into the fiery center of Mount Doom.

Chuck Norris cut off his right pinkie toe because it was jealous of the left one. That pinkie toe grew up to be Tom Cruise. Who's jealous now?!?!

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris' manhood is so prominent, when he has sex in the Chesapeake bay tunnel, he has sex WITH the Chesapeake bay tunnel.

Chuck Norris plays the soundtrack to "24" on his home sound system whenever he needs something more relaxing than soft classical music.

Lucasfilm invented THX sound for theaters because Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks in his films used to blow theater speakers to bits.

Sometime in the early 1980s in Afghanistan, Marines responded to a distress signal when Chuck Norris was ambushed alone in a mountain pass by several hundred Soviet troops. The Marines were able to airlift the surviving Soviet troops to safety.

[CBT]

Back in 1852 Chuck Norris went to the Patent Office to patent his roundhouse kick, arriving just before that ba$tard Tesla who wanted to patent his 'around the house kick'. Anyway, they asked Chuck Norris for drawings or a working model demonstration. Tragically, 47 people lost thier lives and 3 government buildings were destroyed. Even more tragically, Tesla survived. The foundation of one building completely filled with water that couldn't be pumped out, we know it today as The Reflecting Pool.

[TripleTransAm]

Every November or December, Chuck Norris airs out his persian rugs with roundhouse kicks. The ensuing wind cools the entire hemisphere of the Earth and the airborne dust eventually gives us what we know as snow.

[STLR FN]

Long live Chuck.

[CBT]

Automobiles were invented so people could get away from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick faster than trying to run. Not to be outsmarted, Chuck Norris invented the automobile accident.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris invented the term "Red Carpet Treatment" when he once showed pity on his enemies with respect to them lying bleeding on a cold hard bare floor.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris swallowed an un-opened bag of Skittles and crapped out an un-solved Rubiks Cube. A roundhouse kick solved it in 1.2 seconds.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris is Darkman.

[CBT]

The Chuck Norris condom kit includes: 1 super-duper sized condom, 1 suture kit with enough thread to make 17 stitches, and a Lil' Rascal for the woman to get around on while she recuperates.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris wouldn't "Put the lotion in the basket!".

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked the infamous 'tick' out of his Marauder's driver's side cylinder head. That blue mark up front on the revised heads? That's a bruise...

[Mad4Macs]

Just when I thought I'd seen it all!

http://oberin.com/new/index.php?module=My%20eGallery&do=showpic&gid=2&pid=165&orderby=dateD

:D

[CBT]

Just when I thought I'd seen it all!

http://oberin.com/new/index.php?module=My%20eGallery&do=showpic&gid=2&pid=165&orderby=dateD

:DHAHAHA!! He's everywhere!

[CBT]

The conerstone of any nutritious brefas...

[mpearce]

Chuck Norris swallowed an un-opened bag of Skittles and crapped out an un-solved Rubiks Cube. A roundhouse kick solved it in 1.2 seconds.

Hahahahahhahaha :D :lol:

[mpearce]

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

Hahahahaha

:lol:

[mpearce]

http://www.bbspot.com/Images/News_Features/2005/03/24.jpghttp://aces.tabulas.com/tarebear/thumbs/grand-master-chuck-norris-bn.jpg

[TripleTransAm]

Seriously: what looks more menacing?

Seeing a special agent coming out of his daily driver VW bug?

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=87 41&d=1140980982


or seeing Chuck Norris show his displeasure to the St.Thomas Assembly Plant worker in charge of installing the driver's side wiring harness?

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=87 42&d=1140980990

[Dark_Knight7096]

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus
down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
who deliver a kick which could shatter bones
into the crotch of Indiana Jones
who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain
as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne
but Chuck saw through his clever disguise
and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs

then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight and
Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and
Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie
Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader
Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
all came out of no where lightning fast
and they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass
it was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw
with civilians looking on total awe


All this is possible because it's the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny, LOL

www.ultimateshowdown.org

[CBT]

Seriously: what looks more menacing?

Seeing a special agent coming out of his daily driver VW bug?

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=87 41&d=1140980982


or seeing Chuck Norris show his displeasure to the St.Thomas Assembly Plant worker in charge of installing the driver's side wiring harness?

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=87 42&d=1140980990 How the heck did you do that?! This is awsome!!

[dwasson]

Jack Bauer is cool even in a bug.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris' birth name is Carlos Ray Norris. He served in the Air Force, and had 2 brothers. One was KIA in Viet Nam in 1970, the same year Chuck Norris stopped competing professionally.

[the_pack_rat]

I heard if you play the theme to Walker Texas Ranger backwards ......

It says Jack Bauer is dead.

[Mike Poore]

Seriously: what looks more menacing .....
or seeing Chuck Norris show his displeasure to the St.Thomas Assembly Plant worker in charge of installing the driver's side wiring harness?

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=87 42&d=1140980990

You win the Best photo ever, contest. :bows:

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris doesn't need a key fob to unlock a car door. He'll tell the owner to hold the cellphone up to the car's door, and Chuck simply stares it down through his end of the phone. Chuck has been known to whisper threatening words as well, but the car usually develops a transmission leak during the conversation.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris doesn't need a key fob to unlock a car door. He'll tell the owner to hold the cellphone up to the car's door, and Chuck simply stares it down through his end of the phone. Chuck has been known to whisper threatening words as well, but the car usually develops a transmission leak during the conversation.Dude! I'm sitting here at work, eating oatmeal for lunch that was supposed to be my breakfast, and reading this almost made one ugly mess across my keyboard and monitor!!

[Chuck Norris]

I don't need a car. I stare at the place I want to be and it comes to ME.

When I'm done being there, I roundhouse kick it back to where it belongs.

[Vortech347]

I just spent 20 minutes read though this thread. Thanks for the 20 minutes of laughs!!!!

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris ain't afraid of no Christmas tree.

http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/2006/01/04/kiefer_sutherland_drunk_again_ 1.html


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Easter Bunny so hard it shat out those little cream filled chocolate easter eggs, starting a multi-million dollar seasonal tradition.

[CBT]

Santa Claus WAS real...until he forgot to leave a present under little Chucky Norris' tree 55 years ago.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that beats a Royal Flush. (He also uses it to beat Jack Bauer.)

Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris invented his own style of Karate, it's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

[CBT]

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is but it sounds AWESOME!!

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his a$$ kicked", you will get zero matches every time.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris invented his own style of Karate, it's called Chuck-Will-Kill.


I thought it was called One-Quik-Kick?

There are no enforceable speed limits in Chuck Norris' county. First, no one dares to pass him on a highway. Second, being always in front of the pack, radar beams refuse to strike his car out of fear of being roundhouse-kicked down a few wavelengths into the visible light spectrum. Hence, highway patrols have no opportunity to check for speeders.

In fact, in the presence of Chuck Norris, radar waves will slow down enough to become audible.

Chuck Norris has a part of the visible light spectrum named after him: it's called the Colour of Pain, and looks just slightly darker than the colour of a really bad bruise.

[dwasson]

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that beats a Royal Flush. (He also uses it to beat Jack Bauer.)

When Chuck Norris dreams he beat Jack Bauer he sends candy and an apology card.

[CBT]

Every time Jack Bauer yells "GET DOWN!", Chuck Norris wins 'Dancing With The Stars'. And he doesn't have a partner, either.

[TripleTransAm]

When Chuck Norris dreams he beat Jack Bauer he sends candy and an apology card.

True. Heck, when Chuck Norris dreams he beats Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer gets admitted to his nearest emergency ward with serious bruises.

There's an urban legend going around about how the "white picket" fence around Chuck Norris' property is actually composed of entire intact bones from his past adversaries. There is no truth to this rumour, as there exists no evidence that any of Chuck Norris' past adversaries ever made it through a beating with any intact bones.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris drives an Ice Cream truck covered in human skulls.

If it's true you are what you eat, Chuck Norris is 1/4 bad guys, 1/4 Jack Bauer's girlfriend, 1/4 MORE bad guys, and 1/4 tears of children.

[duhtroll]

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

The only number Jack Bauer can divide by is 0, because Jack Bauer is the definition of nothing.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pond, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets terrified.

[CBT]

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

Chuck Norris' ***** has a Hemi.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

[04MRADR]

I heard recently there is a cult thing going on about Chuck Norris. Its even made my local news on TV. Some college kids started it I hear probably because they thought they might die if they studied too hard. I'll be in my 60s soon and I only wish I was in Chuck's shape. I never missed Walker Texas Ranger but believe me nobody, and I mean noooooooooobody, kicks it like Jack Bauer on 24. I cannot watch the show every week! I buy the DVD when the sason is over and watch all 24 episodes over 2 to 3 days. I couldn't wait a week between episodes. Anybody who I recommended 24 to keeps thanking me. Jack would never use martial arts on Chuck. He'd just shoot him! :cool: This guy may actually out cool Steve McQueen if such a thing is possible. And when is his alter ego Kiefer finally going to get the Emmy anyway? The only thing that would make Jack cooler is if his government issued ride was a Marauder, all black with black windows even!


Much has been made about the formidable powers that Chuck Norris possesses, and justifiably so. Due to the sheer quantity and quality of beatings he has administered, Norris has earned the right to have his name spoken in hushed whispers by a Chuck-fearing nation.

However, there is one man too powerful for even Chuck Norris to confront. And that man is Jack Bauer. We feel it is high time that everyone learned a bit more about the man entrusted to safeguard our national security:

When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic.

Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in.

Jack Bauer's saliva is bullet-proof.

After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,"Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."

Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.

Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day.

Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.

Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.

The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer's friends.

Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting ****-hammered.

Jack Bauer's nickname for Chuck Norris is "Aloysius Q. Vagina-Muffin".

Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.

Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three's Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.

On Jack Bauer's say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.

Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.

Coffee cannot start it's day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.

GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.

[Chuck Norris]

Shooting me just makes me angry.

I once made a woman climax by someone else thinking about me nailing her.

They once tried to make condoms for me, but couldn't find material strong enough. The prototypes are now known as the Goodyear and MetLife blimps.

Pictures of me have been known to get women pregnant.

I have gold medals from every male olympic event, except the gay ones.

The city of Toledo once tried to arm wrestle me -- all at once. They lost, but I let them think they were close because it was just an exhibition for charity. It's fun for the kids, you know.

Tornadoes are a result of my extra spicy bean chili recipe. My bad.

[CBT]

I have gold medals from every male olympic event, except the gay ones.

And Jack Bauer holds the gold medals in the gay ones, Sword Swallowing and Butt Darts.

[Chuck Norris]

Crop circles are my way of telling corn that sometimes they all just need to lie the ***** down.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."


The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "Die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

[TripleTransAm]

Jack Bauer wrote the screenplay and was all set to star in an action TV Series about a Law Enforcement officer in Texas, but the network canned it. Thus, "Walker, Brokeback Ranger" never made it to the screen.


http://gorillamask.net/bbwalker.shtml

[SergntMac]

It's true that Jack and Chuck are brothers, encouraged to engage in some spirited competition by their father, Snake Plissken. Both of them learned everything they know, from Snake.

Now that they have patched up some sibling rivalry, there's more good times ahead...

http://dailysixer.com/ateam.shtml

[Chuck Norris]

I once said to Jack Bauer, "Let's get this straight: the only reason you're still conscious is because I don't wanna carry you."

[natedog1284]

.....this is some of the most random s*** I've ever seen.....still funny though....carry on

[CBT]

If at first you don't succeed...you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

[TripleTransAm]

JFK's little known alternate speech:

"Ask not what your country can do for you, 'cause if you piss off Chuck Norris you are on your own."

[Dr Caleb]

Speaking of which, happy birthday, Chuck! 66 years young, and still jumping the neighbours wives, daughters and livestock.

[CBT]

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been *****.

[STLR FN]

Watch here:
http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/1792.html

[CBT]

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

[SergntMac]

Ummm...Chuck, you're mom called again, she's going to stay another week in the Poconos with Jack Bauer...

[mpearce]

Ummm...Chuck, you're mom called again, she's going to stay another week in the Poconos with Jack Bauer...

Whoah...this could get dangerous.

The last time Chuck Norris stayed in a little village in the Poconos, he impregnated every single nunn in one of the convents nestled in a quiet corner of that village. 9 months later they gave birth to the 1972 Dolphins, the only undefeated, and untied team in NFL Football history.

-Mat

[Mad4Macs]

Chuck Norris was 6 time World Champion, Middle Weight Division Karate.
Jack Bauer is portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland, who got his arse kicked by Reese Witherspoon.
:lol:

[duhtroll]

Jack Bauer is portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland, who got his arse kicked by Reese Witherspoon.
:lol:


Well, AND he's a homo.

(I know that's totally PI to say but too much chili (burp) makes me punchy)

[duhtroll]

http://www.funmansion.com/html/fm-Norris-Top-Ten.html

[SergntMac]

Chuck Norris was 6 time World Champion, Middle Weight Division Karate. Jack Bauer is portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland, who got his arse kicked by Reese Witherspoon. Jack Bauer has two black belts...One from Smith, one from Wesson...

But, he's not wearing a lot of clothing while vacationing in the Poconos with Chuck's mom wink, wink, nod, nod...

[Audie Murphy]

Jack Bauer has two black belts...One from Smith, one from Wesson...

But, he's not wearing a lot of clothing while vacationing in the Poconos with Chuck's mom wink, wink, nod, nod...

Jack who?

Jake ever hold off 6 tanks and an infantry company with a .50 cal and a bullet in the leg? Didn't think so.
Jack got a Congressional Medal of Honor? Didn't think so?
Jack actually got a movie about him? Didn't think so?
Jack survive a world war? Didn't think so?

When Jack grows up and gets pubic hair, send him my way. Maybe I'll give him some pointers.

[Mad4Macs]

http://www.funmansion.com/html/fm-Norris-Top-Ten.html
Watching Chuck read that list in front of the camera was priceless!

[STLR FN]

I put a link about Chuck reading them yesterday.


http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/showthread.php?t=25593

So that'll be one roundhouse kick to the groin, one to the face and I'll raise ya one to the back of the head as you're falling to the ground. :lol: :lol:

[CBT]

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

[CBT]

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

[TripleTransAm]

Chuck Norris enjoys nothing more than to sit back and relax while enjoying a light comedy television program. His current favorite is Fear Factor.

Chuck Norris was once a contestant on one season of the reality show Survivor. It was the shortest season in the television show's history: it ran from 8:05 pm to 8:12 pm on Thursday March 18 2003, one night only. There were no survivors, although Chuck did fashion a makeshift raft out of the bodies and floated over to nearby Vietnam where he proceeded to find and liberate 6 more POWs.
(edit: I had a feeling a "survivor" reference had been made earlier, but 'search' turned up nothing. I've since found it... oh well, so much for originality on my part)

Chuck Norris' horses know anytime they get led to water, they'd better be taking deep gulps (and being mindful not to slurp).

Chuck Norris "post-it"s consist of 8 1/2 x 11 looseleaf, a black Sharpie, and a switchblade.

Chuck Norris once wrote a self-help book entitled "Chicken Soup for the Gaping Head Wound".

Disney's famous cartoon character was originally called "Winnie the Loveable Constipated Bear" until a well-placed roundhouse kick...

Chuck Norris has no camera. He stares at people and their image is left on the wall behind them... in 3D relief.

The mission to correct the faulty lens on the orbiting Hubble space telescope was a direct result of Chuck Norris catching the telescope spying on his ranch. Along with installing the corrective lens, NASA documents also indicate the mission delivered a very large steak, an ice pack and some military-grade Tylenol, to address a 'big-ass bruise'.