CBT
11-09-2007, 09:01 AM
It hurts to type, if you read Part One, you will understand why. I have to back up to 3 nights ago, so this story is actually Star Wars-ish in a sense. Not in a "WHO'S my daddy?! I just kissed my sister?!?" sense, but in a I told the middle part first kind of way. Anyways, 3 nights ago. 2 a.m. I hear furious carpet scratching. I knew it wasn't me, both my hands were cupped (easy knine, I said CUPPED) behind my head. It's that darn cat, and it's either trying to bury the phone cable, or hook up an internet connection under the head of my bed where the phone line runs the length of the headboard, up against the wall. So I throw the first available thing at the cat. Curse words, and lots of 'em. But, much like a Rex Grossman to anyone pass, they bounce off with little effect. This went on till just after 5 a.m. when I ran downstairs for a piece of wood....the one that holds all the kitchen knives in it, you've seen them. I think the sight of a naked man running into the bedroom with a 10" Chicago Cuttlery knife in each hand is what caused the cat to pop the floor vent cover and dive into the ductwork, cause she flat dissappeared. By now I'm wide awake and seriously angry. Later that night is when the Battle of Fox Hill, as local historians and Pabst Blue Ribbon drinkers have come to call it, took place. Now, I figured for sure, after all that physical exursion, the cat would not be digging for oil under the head of my bed anymore. Wrong. So knowing they hate getting sprayed with anything except FOOD!!! i armed myself with the only non-lethal spray I could find at 3 a.m., Fabreeze! Spring Clean scented! The only effect it seemd to have was after spraying it at the cat, I would doze off dreaming of running thru a meadow of flowers. Holding my crotch, of course...
So yesterday I get home, and this is how the conversation goes:
"Hey, I found some flea spray."
"Really? I'll go get a towel and I'll hold the cat across my lap on the towel, and you spray it." Now I started getting giddy and was giggling, I felt like The Gimp in 'Pulp Fiction', minus the ball gag, cause I knew someone was about to get f-cked and they were not going to like it one damn bit. PAYBACK!! So I have the cat on the towel:
"Are there any precautions we need to know about before we start?"
"Uuuhhhh...it says Do not spray directly into face, eyes, or genitalia."
"Whose?"
"Whose what?"
"Whose genitalia?"
"THE CATS YOU JACKASS."
"Just checking, sheesh.."
People, the first tiny ~psst~ from that bottle was like hitting the launch button for a sidewinder missle, Meowzlancearmstrong got those legs moving and got the heck out of Dodge quick fast and in a hurry.
"Where did you find that spray?!"
"Under the sink in the master bathroom."
"Give me that......this is like 5 years old, this was for my Dobermans!!"
No wonder it had the genitalia comment on it, I was pretty certain female cats didn't really have a problem with thier junk being exposed enough to take a direct blast of flea killer. The Dobermans on the other hand....
So that ended the flea killing attempts for the night but left me with getting her to stop trying to dig up the Trans-Continental phone cable each night. And then it hit me. Ever have one of those moments when there is just nothing to say, it is just time to ACT, and act NOW? Like when you are out with a stone cold stunner who does occasional model work for Target catalogs, and you aren't quite sure which way the date will go until in the middle of explaining the difference between a normally aspirated Marauder and a supercharged Marauder she blurts out "I have no gag reflex." ? This is one of those moments. You throw money on the table and skip dessert, right? ACT. Or you could ruin it by continuing to talk: "Really? Me either, so anyway, after I put the K&N filter on..."
Well I acted, cause I thought for no apperant reason about the 40 feet of plastic carpet runner that was in the house when I moved in. I kept it thinking there must MUST be a use for it one day. Well do you know what holds those plastic runners in place on carpet? Hard plastic nubs. Or, as I now refer to them after testing this last night, STOP STRIPS!!
I flipped over length of it, shoved it under the head of the bed, up against the wall, and went to sleep. I was only woken up once last night. It was a loud BONK sound, I figure it was from the cat. Not from when it stepped on cat spikes, but from when it tried to jump straight up and off of them and hit the underside of the box spring, MUHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! I RULE!!!!!
So yesterday I get home, and this is how the conversation goes:
"Hey, I found some flea spray."
"Really? I'll go get a towel and I'll hold the cat across my lap on the towel, and you spray it." Now I started getting giddy and was giggling, I felt like The Gimp in 'Pulp Fiction', minus the ball gag, cause I knew someone was about to get f-cked and they were not going to like it one damn bit. PAYBACK!! So I have the cat on the towel:
"Are there any precautions we need to know about before we start?"
"Uuuhhhh...it says Do not spray directly into face, eyes, or genitalia."
"Whose?"
"Whose what?"
"Whose genitalia?"
"THE CATS YOU JACKASS."
"Just checking, sheesh.."
People, the first tiny ~psst~ from that bottle was like hitting the launch button for a sidewinder missle, Meowzlancearmstrong got those legs moving and got the heck out of Dodge quick fast and in a hurry.
"Where did you find that spray?!"
"Under the sink in the master bathroom."
"Give me that......this is like 5 years old, this was for my Dobermans!!"
No wonder it had the genitalia comment on it, I was pretty certain female cats didn't really have a problem with thier junk being exposed enough to take a direct blast of flea killer. The Dobermans on the other hand....
So that ended the flea killing attempts for the night but left me with getting her to stop trying to dig up the Trans-Continental phone cable each night. And then it hit me. Ever have one of those moments when there is just nothing to say, it is just time to ACT, and act NOW? Like when you are out with a stone cold stunner who does occasional model work for Target catalogs, and you aren't quite sure which way the date will go until in the middle of explaining the difference between a normally aspirated Marauder and a supercharged Marauder she blurts out "I have no gag reflex." ? This is one of those moments. You throw money on the table and skip dessert, right? ACT. Or you could ruin it by continuing to talk: "Really? Me either, so anyway, after I put the K&N filter on..."
Well I acted, cause I thought for no apperant reason about the 40 feet of plastic carpet runner that was in the house when I moved in. I kept it thinking there must MUST be a use for it one day. Well do you know what holds those plastic runners in place on carpet? Hard plastic nubs. Or, as I now refer to them after testing this last night, STOP STRIPS!!
I flipped over length of it, shoved it under the head of the bed, up against the wall, and went to sleep. I was only woken up once last night. It was a loud BONK sound, I figure it was from the cat. Not from when it stepped on cat spikes, but from when it tried to jump straight up and off of them and hit the underside of the box spring, MUHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! I RULE!!!!!