Joke of the day

[SC Cheesehead]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Fosters]

These are all translated so they may not come out that well :o

A good sleep not only makes you live longer, but also shortens the work day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a wife and a terrorist?
You can sometimes negotiate with terrorists.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Hey man, long time no see, let's get a beer!
- I don't drink anymore ever since my mother in law moved in...
- How come?
- I don't want to see her double!
--------------------------------
- Did you hear what happened to John?
- No, what?
- He ran off with my wife!
----------------------------------
Tomorrow is our 30 year wedding anniversary, we could cook up the turkey...
Why? It's not his fault.
-------------------------------
Aren't you ashamed of yourself, getting a ride home from the bartender at 2am?
Well, he was working earlier..
----------------
Doc, is there really no hope?
No, young man, your mother in law will recover fully.
-----------------
Her : - How are the peas honey ?
Him : - Do you really want to argue ?
--------------------------------------------
John and Jane in the maternity ward:
- Jane, sweetie, did it end up being a boy or girl?
- We have a beautiful baby boy!
- Awesome! Who does he look more like?
- No use to tell you, you don't know him.

[ntd]

At the gym an older not in the best shape man ask his trainer," I want to impress that beautiful young girl over there, what machine should I use."

Trainer replies, "The ATM by the front desk is your best chance."

[fastblackmerc]

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Fosters]

Q: Why do men like engines?
A: Because their four strokes are:
1. Suck
2. Squeeze
3. Bang
4. Blow

[SC Cheesehead]

This is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have been working on and refining for most of my life. I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it down to its essence sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.

[71cyclone]

Looks like the pythagoras theory ?

[71cyclone]

Thats Great Theory, in LAYMANS TERMS = Cousin "U" are a GENIUS [CERTIFIED]

[SC Cheesehead]

Thats Great Theory, in LAYMANS TERMS = Cousin "U" are a GENIUS [CERTIFIED]

Yeah, I ain't reached the asymptote yet, but I's getting close... ;)

[Fosters]

http://i51.tinypic.com/14mpzb.jpg

[SC Cheesehead]

Cheers!

As the Holiday party season approaches, please be safe and take a cab...or bus.

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice Merlot. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

[05crownsport]

Seemed like the right place for this...
http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=index&zenid=a6d130279fab8016f54b526d 81bd7226

[Marauderman]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed.

Walking through the mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her
husband was nowhere around. She was very upset because they had a lot to
do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, “Honey, remember the jewelry store we went
Into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we
could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?


His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.

He said, well I'm in the bar next to it..........

[MyTMerc]

Why men shouldn't write advice columns

[Mr. Man]

It was New Years Day and Billy asked his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies. "Billy, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

Billy thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Billy, all household appliances come in white." :D

[whitey]

read this while on jury duty a couple years ago in a magazine...

"it was so cold out this morning, i saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets!"....how ironic :)

[cruzer]

Half junk and half crap---Maury

[SC Cheesehead]

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

[CBT]

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

HAHAHAHA !!! Yeah right, Minneapolis has a symphony orchestra, hahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

[SC Cheesehead]

HAHAHAHA !!! Yeah right, Minneapolis has a symphony orchestra, hahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Ahhh, you betcha!

http://danmelander.tripod.com/stumpfiddle/stumps.jpg

[Mr. Man]

A guy is sitting at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.

'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman.

'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the guy. After ten minutes of the guy pestering her, she had had enough.

'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!'

'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?':D

[Baconbit]

Two blondes walk into a bar........the third one ducks.....:lol:

[chevsmoker]

a woman goes to the doctors office and tells the doctor that everywhere she touches hurts the doctor curious tells her to touch her nose so she does and lets out a pain staking yell again the doctor says touch your elbow so she does and again another yell so the doctor looks at her and say is your hair a natural brown? she replies no its blonde the doctor goes oh that explains alot, you have a broken finger lol

[Spectragod]

http://webmail.earthlink.net/wam/MsgAttachment?msgid=16362&attachno=1There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well,.. Vicki is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
http://webmail.earthlink.net/wam/MsgAttachment?msgid=16362&attachno=2
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Vicki surrounded by mountains ofTickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
http://webmail.earthlink.net/wam/MsgAttachment?msgid=16362&attachno=3
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together andapproaches Vicki.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
http://webmail.earthlink.net/wam/MsgAttachment?msgid=16362&attachno=4

[HiHoSilver]

I almost couldn't find my camouflage pajama pants.....

[fastblackmerc]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.



Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.



Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.



After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.



Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.



This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Mr. Man]

Sorry for you er....predicament there Jim.^^^^^^^that you need to troll those Web sites:D

[Spectragod]

I was eating breakfast with my six year-old granddaughter last week and I asked her "When is President's Day?"

She is a really smart kid, and instantly replied "In February!"

So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.

She said, "That's when Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

DARN IT HURTS LIKE H--- WHEN HOT COFFEE SPURTS OUT YOUR NOSE!

[Blackmobile]

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison.
" This year I won't be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground, I know if you were here u would help me."

The son wrote: " Dad don't think of digging the ground because that's where I buried the guns "
Police reads the letter and the very next day, the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found.

The next day the son wrote again " Now you can plant your potatoes dad, it's the best I could do from here!

[Mr. Man]

Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion" One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days." Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years"

[Go2GuyFL]

William was in Trouble. He forgot Valentine’s Day. His wife, Renee, was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds….AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!! ”

The next morning William got up early and left for work. When his wife, Renee, woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, Renee put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

[gdsqdcr]

DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE DOING THIS TO SOMEONE ?!!!?!!!?

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=f60e10eea1&view=att&th=13510d60473fd9d3&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=d41ae97464c081da_0.1 .11&zw


sorry, I can not seem to figure out how to make the video play ...

[boatmangc]

THE COWBOY
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined tokeep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
The gay guy proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her."Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so

slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[SC Cheesehead]

A small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey, and women with big tits."

[Haggis]

A small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey, and women with big tits."

Thanks Rex, coffe does hurt when it comes out your nose!!

[SC Cheesehead]

Thanks Rex, coffe does hurt when it comes out your nose!!

Just tryin' to do the best I can with what I got... ;) ------> :D

[RubberCtyRauder]

2 drunks were walking home from their local bar when they turned a corner and came upon a dog laying in the middle of the sidewalk licking his balls. The one drunk says to his drunk buddy "Boy, I sure wish I could do that" His buddy replies " That's a pretty big dog, you better pet him first":lol:

[jerrym3]

Wife says to her husband

"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband answers

"Only you, dear. With the others, I was able to stay awake."

[SGT_MERC]

Don't know if this is a re-post, could have missed it.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny - but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken. Pork and beef too. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite ‘live’ animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

[SC Cheesehead]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage, Alaska man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "and what's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[SC Cheesehead]

Ole and Sven are out deer hunting. Ole bags a buck.


After they dress the deer and tag it, they grab it by its hind legs and start dragging through the woods back to the car. A game warden happens on the pair and after checking their tags and admiring the buck he tells them that they are dragging the deer out all wrong. By dragging it by the rear legs, the snow, leaves and dirt are getting caught by the animals fur, and the horns are getting all tangled in the brush. The warden suggests that they drag it by the front legs. They agree to try it and much to their surprise, it is much easier dragging the deer this way.


After a half hour of this Sven turns to Ole and says, "Boy dat game warden was right, it sure is easier dragging da deer dis way, but ya know, we're gettin furder away from da car."

[Paul T. Casey]

I like this one.

[Fosters]

http://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/420305_10150539217750168_76134 80167_9202419_108226581_n.jpg

[Fosters]

Grandma on her death bed calls her grandson close and tells him:
- I'm gonna die any minute, and I just wanted to tell you that I want you to inherit all of my wealth. My farm, my pack of horses, all the cattle, the mansion, the tractor and all of the animals around the house, plus the 22 million, I want you to have everything.
- Wowwww!! says the grandson, thank you grandma! I didn't know you were this wealthy! Where is this farm that you're talking about?
With her last breath the grandma says:
- On Facebook...

[sailsmen]

Almost as funny as putting it on MySpace.

[Smalldogg/03mm]

I like this one.

Hey!!! That's my wifeeee......

[Blackmobile]

Father O'Malley answers the phone:

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".

[SC Cheesehead]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, report finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Wisconsin reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near New Richmond , Wisconsin , Ole Swenson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless".

[SC Cheesehead]

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of Jet A and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin'. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's just one ting."

Ole asked, "Oh yeah" Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa ..."

[MERCMAN]

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/gallery/data/500/medium/stepladder.jpg (http://www.mercurymarauder.net/gallery/showphoto.php/photo/20849)

[Fosters]

I think this will fit here...
zqbDVvKZ4rs

:D

[Spectragod]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what



their fathers did for a living.


All the typical answers came up: fireman,


mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.


However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so


when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,


"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his


clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.


Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and


stay with him all night for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set


the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him,


"Is that really true about your father?"


"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get


Obama re-elected, but it is just too embarrassing to say that in front


of the other kids."

[Spectragod]

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful for them than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or two after giving birth, some women will say, "It would be nice to have another baby."

No matter how long after a guy gets kicked in the nuts, you'll never hear him say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed!

[PonyUP]

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful for them than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or two after giving birth, some women will say, "It would be nice to have another baby."

No matter how long after a guy gets kicked in the nuts, you'll never hear him say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed!

LMAO

Soooooooo True


Pony seal of Approval

[Merrill]

Funny, Funny, Funny stuff.

[Roadwarrior]

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful for them than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or two after giving birth, some women will say, "It would be nice to have another baby."

No matter how long after a guy gets kicked in the nuts, you'll never hear him say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed!

:lol: :rofl: :laugh: :up:

[Bluerauder]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly) : "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
______________________________ ______________________________ ________________

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[RacerX]

Obama's visiting my city tomorrow. Just thought I'd put that in the joke thread. :D Hope he doesn't get snowed in...

[SC Cheesehead]

Obama's visiting my city tomorrow. Just thought I'd put that in the joke thread. :D Hope he doesn't get snowed in...


Oh SNAP! :D

[Ladyhawke]

..........

[Haggis]

Obama's visiting my city tomorrow. Just thought I'd put that in the joke thread. :D Hope he doesn't get snowed in...

He is a joke, a bad joke on the country.

[CBT]

In 2007 my (ex-)wife suggested I get a ***** enlarger. So I did, her name is Amy and she was 30 at the time. :D

[Ms. Denmark]

In 2007 my (ex-)wife suggested I get a ***** enlarger. So I did, her name is Amy and she was 30 at the time. :D
Piggy Man:P:D

[CBT]

Piggy Man:P:D

lol, what too soon?! :P

[CBT]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. :(

[CBT]

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if I could contribute towards the devestating floods in Mexico.
I said I'd love to, but the hose only reaches the end of my driveway.

[CBT]

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the dishes are piling up!"

[Spectragod]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.




The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"


"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.




"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"


"Yep."




"Were there any survivors?"




"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."





"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.



"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

[Fosters]

ZUG9qYTJMsI

[Mercguy04]

DAVID LETTERMAN MAY BE IN TROUBLE Now, THIS is funny.
David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

[Timw286]

http://failfun.com/wp-content/uploads/lambo-doors-funny-pictures.jpg

[Smalldogg/03mm]

Nice.. Don't try 2 tell him that...:) He save up a long time for that...:)

[SC Cheesehead]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose," isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[Fosters]

Life would be so much easier... NSFW for language:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xo797x_upstairs_fun

[Fosters]

Open these links in seperat tabs.

http://endlessvideo.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k

http://endlessvideo.com/watch?v=DIx3aMRDUL4

http://www.rainymood.com/

Now sit back and have a glass of wine. 8)

[SC Cheesehead]

:D

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Pen!$ van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I Will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Pen!$ van Lesbian! I'm telling you, that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.


FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...


Dear Sir,


Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Pen!$ van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name. So, the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[CBT]

Dear Sir,


Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Pen!$ van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name. So, the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke



Dick van Dyke was Mr. Rogers swim buddy at BUDS. After that they became SeAL's and were assigned to the ultra secret SeAL Team 9 3/4, the short lived Interpretive Dance and Obscene Hand Gesture Unit. They single handedly, with their hands, killed 8 thousand Viet Cong during the Civil War and planted the flag on the Moon. On a 2007 episode of The Tonight Show, Lee Marvin told Johhny Carson that Dick and Fred were the two bravest men in the world besides Sigfreid and Roy. True story.

[Mr. Man]

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat." :D

[SC Cheesehead]

Dick van Dyke was Mr. Rogers swim buddy at BUDS. After that they became SeAL's and were assigned to the ultra secret SeAL Team 9 3/4, the short lived Interpretive Dance and Obscene Hand Gesture Unit. They single handedly, with their hands, killed 8 thousand Viet Cong during the Civil War and planted the flag on the Moon. On a 2007 episode of The Tonight Show, Lee Marvin told Johhny Carson that Dick and Fred were the two bravest men in the world besides Sigfreid and Roy. True story.

Yup, I know them guys....

http://www.filmcritic.com/assets_c/2010/02/The-Men-Who-Stare-at-Goats-thumb-560xauto-26121.jpg

[Ozark Marauder]

Melvin & Brenda


http://f1616.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f17101%5fAIjTi 2IAACsVT3HAIQ1JVDQOWoE&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailClassic






Melvin and his wife Brenda went to the state fair every
year,

And every
year Melvin would say,

'Brenda, I'd like to
ride in that helicopter'

Brenda always
replied,

'I know
Melvin, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is
fifty bucks'

This last year Melvin and Brenda




went to the fair,

and Melvin said,

'Brenda, I'm 75 years
old.

If I don't ride
that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Brenda
replied,

"Melvin that helicopter
ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty
bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make
you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one
word it's fifty dollars.'

Melvin and Brenda
agreed and up they went.

The pilot did
all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the
pilot turned to Melvin and said,

'By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.


I'm impressed!'



Melvin replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said
something when Brenda fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty
bucks!'

[Timw286]

Todays Quote



Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.



Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with free monthly minutes,

food stamps, section 8 housing, a forty ounce malt liquor, a crack pipe and

some Air Jordan's and he votes Democrat for a lifetime.

[Smalldogg/03mm]

Todays Quote



Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.



Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with free monthly minutes,

food stamps, section 8 housing, a forty ounce malt liquor, a crack pipe and

some Air Jordan's and he votes Democrat for a lifetime.

Boooooo !!!!!!!! This ain't even funny... STUPID

[Spectragod]

Boooooo !!!!!!!! This ain't even funny... STUPID

Your right there, if it wasn't true though, it would be funny.:D

[Haggis]

Knock..knock

[justbob]

It's all chits and giggles till someone giggles and chits...

Sent from my Ally using Tapatalk

[CBT]

Barry sent me this in e-mail, too funny not to post.

A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shite!"

[Smalldogg/03mm]

Sounds like something my grams a do.. Funny as sh--

[IwantmyMMnow!]

So, the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor and asks:

"Can you make me one with everything?"

Confucius say: Man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.

Confucius also say: Man who have hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

[Fosters]

. .

[Merrill]

Two men were visiting, when one of them said: Last night my son just walked into the living room and said, " Dad cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, stereo, i pod , iphone and lap top. Give my jewelry to Goodwill, then sell my car. Take my house key away and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again, also write me out of the will and give my share to my brother."

The other man said: "Wow, he really said that?"

Well he didn't say exactly that. He actually said..." Dad' Ive decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign."

[Bigdogjim]

http://bl156w.blu156.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=1506f1f3-9057-11e1-bca8-001e0bcb738c&Aux=2044|0|8CEF27AFC247C00||0| 1|0|0|1|5,53&maxwidth=220&maxheight=160&size=Att

See the Mayans were smarter then we thought:lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in Minneapolis, Minnesota.


The taxi was being driven by Ole, who had just moved to da cities to get a new job. Ole opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but he made no attempt to start the cab.


She said to him: - "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

Ole said:- "Lady, I ain'tstaring at you, but I am telling you, dat vould not be proper vare I come from".


She said: - "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"


He said:- "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vere in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride?"

[CBT]

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in Minneapolis, Minnesota.



The taxi was being driven by Ole, who had just moved to da cities to get a new job. Ole opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but he made no attempt to start the cab.


She said to him: - "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"


Ole said:- "Lady, I ain'tstaring at you, but I am telling you, dat vould not be proper vare I come from".


She said: - "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"



He said:- "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vere in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride?"

I don't get it. :dunno:

[IwantmyMMnow!]

So, this guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely naked, but wrapped in saran wrap from his neck all the way down to his ankles. He asks the shrink, "Doc, do you think I'm crazy?". The shrink responded,

"No, but I can clearly see your nuts."

[IwantmyMMnow!]

And then there's the one about the 2 gay spiders who kept looking at each other's fly........

[SC Cheesehead]

http://www.whyzzat.com/styles/flexile/xenforo/smilies/drumrollsmileyfi1.gif

ba-dum-bum-CHING!

[kernie]

One morning three Newfoundlanders and three Albertans were in a ticket line at a train station. The three Albertans each bought a ticket and watched as the three newfies bought just one ticket.

How are the three of you going to travel with only one ticket?, asked one of the Albertans.

Be watchin an learnin awnser one of the newfies.

All six boarded where the three Albertans sat down, but the three newfies crammed into a toilet and closed the door. Along came the conductor to collect tickets, he knocked on the toilet door and said 'ticket please.'

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The three Albertans saw this and agreed this was quite a clever idea, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip later and save some money.

When they got back to the ytrain station they bought one ticket for the return trip then watched, to their astonishment as the three newfies didn't even buy one ticket.

How are you going to travel without even one ticket asked an Alberta lad. Just be a watchin an a learnin awnsered the three newfie boys in unison.

When they boarded the train the three Albertans crammed themselves into a toilet and the three newfies crammed into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train started moving, one of the newfies walked over to the toilet the Albertans were hiding in.

The newfie knocked on the toilet door and said, 'ticket please'.




Those who know both Newfoundlanders and Albertans could see this happening, lol.

[Fosters]

. .

[Fosters]

. .

[IwantmyMMnow!]

A woman, returning to her high-rise apartment building after going to the store, steps into the elevator and selects her floor. She suddenly feels a sharp pain in her stomach, then rips off a loud, wet fart. Within seconds, she is mortified by the stench of her own flatulence and reaches in her bag for a can of air freshener she just bought and sprays it liberally.

As she is putting the spray can back in her bag, the elevator stops short of her floor. The doors open and a nice-looking man gets on the elevator. Worried that the man will think she made the elevator stench, she comments, "wow, sure is a funny odor in here." The man replies,

"Yeah...it smells like someone took a **** in a crate of oranges."

[Fosters]

. .

[Ken]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat, she says: "Well, that's great. Some a**hole's got my pen!"

[Bluerauder]

MAN OF THE HOUSE!


A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House".

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law'! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."

[SC Cheesehead]

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

---------------------

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

---------------------

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

---------------------

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

----------------------

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

----------------------

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

-----------------------

7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[IwantmyMMnow!]

A husband and wife are having sex and are going at it pretty hot n heavy. They both hear a noise and discover their little boy, Timmy, standing in the doorway. Timmy bolts when his parents spot him, crying all the way back to his room. The husband says, "I'll go talk to him" and puts his pajamas on. When he walks into Timmy's room, he sees little Timmy going at it hot and heavy with grandma. Timmy looks at his father and says,

"Not so funny when it's YOUR mother!"


Then there's the one about the Indian chief who named his daughter 99 cents because she was always under a buck...

[CBT]

I think the joke is on us...

Whoever said that Obama hasn’t acomplished anything in his first term?
WHAT AN IMPRESSIVE LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS!…

First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.

First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.

First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.

First President to violate the War Powers Act.

First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.

First President to defy a Federal Judge’s court order to cease implementing the Health Care Reform Law.

First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party, a violation of the U.S. Constitution.

First President to spend a trillion dollars on ‘shovel-ready’ jobs when there was no such thing as ‘shovel-ready’ jobs.

First President to recommend changing our National Anthem as it portrays and promotes violence and is warlike in its theme.

First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer Breakfast and activities.

First President to initiate a Cash for Clunkers Program to clean up exhaust that adds to global warming, then extended it because it was so popular — wasting hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars.

First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.

First President to bypass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.

First President to demand a company hand over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.

First President to terminate America’s ability to put a man in space.

First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.

First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.

First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for their rate increases.

First President to tell a major manufacturing company which state they are allowed to locate a factory in.

First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.

First President to fire an inspector general of Americorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.

First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.

First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office, 90 to date.

First President to pledge complete transparency while campaigning, then hide his medical, educational,and travel records.

First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.

First President to go on multiple global ‘apology tours’.

First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends; paid for by the taxpayer.

First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.

First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.

[mossiehorn]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[SC Cheesehead]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
********************
I had amnesia once---or twice
********************
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
********************
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
********************
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************
My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
********************
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************
How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************
Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[Mr. Man]

Rex has this ever happened to you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX145Tu4MHY&feature=related

[Ken]

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's de terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe de sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'

[SC Cheesehead]

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's de terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe de sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'




Captain, Road Prison 36 (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001510/): What we got here is... failure to communicate.

:D
:lol:

[Ken]

Not a joke, but an actual text conversation between a childhood friend of mine and her client...


LMAO!!!! So I text a client an update about her dog...
ME: Wanted to let you know "Rex" was great this morning! He always is!
CLIENT: Really? In what way?
ME: Well... he ate everything! He was a very good boy!
CLIENT: What?**** Where?
... ME: In the laundry room like always.
CLIENT: REALLY?***
ME: Absolutely. No problems at all.
CLIENT: Who IS this????
ME: Jill, the Pet Sitter
CLIENT: I don't have a pet sitter!!!! But my husband's name is "Rex"! I hope you have the wrong number because I have yours now!



Jill, really is a pet sitter!

[RubberCtyRauder]

ONLY IN FLORIDA
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the
dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing
through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him,
blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled
over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll
let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with
a Florida State Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[Horsepower]

what do you call a 5 pound peice of flesh ???


A Nipple

[MERCMAN]

Watch the cop walking through the door behind the reporter!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJl6D1F4IJc

[CBT]

Watch the cop walking through the door behind the reporter!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJl6D1F4IJc


Gadzooks! Is that what they used to smuggle drugs in?

[MM2004]

Watch the cop walking through the door behind the reporter!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJl6D1F4IJc

You've been Googling dildo.

:shake:

Mike.

[05crownsport]

Hey!!!!! I have four tickets to a daredevil show located at Palm Beach County Fairgrounds for next weekend. Robbie Knievel (son of infamous Evil Knievel) will be jumping 5000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D9 bulldozer! Boy, I sure hope Robbie will be okay!

[SC Cheesehead]

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=30 032&d=1342061227


That concludes our Geography Lesson of the Day!




Thank you and please pass on this valuable information.

[IwantmyMMnow!]

A just-married Amish couple are sitting on the bed in their honeymoon hotel room, screaming at the top of their lungs, "F*** YOU!" at each other. After about 10 minutes, the husband says,

"I don't know about you, but this oral sex stuff isn't doing anything for me".

[Ken]

http://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=30 032&d=1342061227



That concludes our Geography Lesson of the Day!





Thank you and please pass on this valuable information.

Nice red X!

Must be my grade!

[SC Cheesehead]

Oops! :o

Here you go:

[Blackmobile]

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

[gdsqdcr]

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Thats not funny ... that is reality. :D

[SC Cheesehead]

The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the world she was talking about..............the fridge works fine.


WOMEN, who can understand them?

:dunno:

[Blackmobile]

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted
to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer
him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in
the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a
gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.

[SC Cheesehead]

Last week, Lena checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" (Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!)

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[pem]

during a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using this following password: mickey,minnie,pluto,huey,dewey ,louie,donald,goofy,sacramento . the boss inquired why the long password???? the employee said the directions required to use 8 charactors & at least one capitol.

[PonyUP]

during a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using this following password: mickey,minnie,pluto,huey,dewey ,louie,donald,goofy,sacramento . the boss inquired why the long password???? the employee said the directions required to use 8 charactors & at least one capitol.

This is funny 😃


The Ice Bucket Approves of this message

[mossiehorn]

You can say what you want about Florida , but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.

----------------------------------------------------
My favorite �

MINT CONDITION :

Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition, but walks well.

[Roadwarrior]

Because there are no existing dental records in WV & DNA testing would prove that everybody is in the same family. :help: :rolleyes: :lol:

[Patstang]

What kind of car does pastor Fred drive ?


A Jesus Chrysler.

**crickets chirping**

[sailsmen]

Lanced Arm Strong's New Moto setting record sales;

"Stay Strong Do Drugs"

[Tambo]

New here, so hope this is not a repeat......

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.


I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!

[Krytin]

New here, so hope this is not a repeat......

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.


I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!

OK, that was funny.

[Blackmobile]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.



The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[05crownsport]

http://i1126.photobucket.com/albums/l610/05crownsport/facebook_-1242720720jpg.jpg

[SC Cheesehead]

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that young lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

[mossiehorn]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's ***** and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT..and remember, life is good.

[Bluerauder]

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows IT!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot”?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman’s, then the early Grumman’s.... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you’?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[FreddieH]

Today a coworker told me he has a friend with the last name of Wong and when you call his house his answering machine says,
" Hello you have called the Wong number".

[SC Cheesehead]

Today a coworker told me he has a friend with the last name of Wong and when you call his house his answering machine says,
" Hello you have called the Wong number".

Gotta love it! :lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

[Fosters]

. .

[mossiehorn]

For those that don't know about history... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Blue, Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.


And there you have it…Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.

[pem]

I've been so depressed that Obama was re-elected......also been feeling suicidal because of it.......I called a suicide hotline.....had to press 1 for english and was transfered to a call center in Pakistan......I said I felt suicidal....gleefully they asked me if I could drive a truck? We're screwed!

[PonyUP]

Guys can we not put political jokes in the joke thread, it may lead to getting it shut down. Besides there's enough political jokes in congress


The Ice Bucket Approves of this message

[Spectragod]

Guys can we not put political jokes in the joke thread, it may lead to getting it shut down. Besides there's enough political jokes in congress


The Ice Bucket Approves of this message


Oh WAHHHHH, what's next, want people to not mention Christmas, and only refer to it as a "holiday", no more Easter, what else "offends" you? I say if you can't tell a joke in the "joke of the day" thread, because someone might get all butt hurt, then shut it down.

[CBT]

Oh WAHHHHH, what's next, want people to not mention Christmas, and only refer to it as a "holiday", no more Easter, what else "offends" you? I say if you can't tell a joke in the "joke of the day" thread, because someone might get all butt hurt, then shut it down.
I'm pretty sure he was joking, lol.

[RubberCtyRauder]

What do Amish women dream of at night? Two Mennonite.

[guspech750]

http://img.tapatalk.com/d/12/11/27/uruta8ap.jpg


Sent from my iPhone 4S

DTR + 4.10's + Eaton swap = Wreeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom

[MyO4Rawdur]

New here, so hope this is not a repeat......

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.


I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!

pretty good :lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.' 'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's a*se.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

[MERCMAN]

I am still laughing over this. Listen carefully at 1:09

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov-1S8Xxd94

[Krytin]

I am still laughing over this. Listen carefully at 1:09

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov-1S8Xxd94

Yep - without a doubt!

[Jake]

Contrary to popular belief:
a burrito is not a male taco!


-

[Rockettman]

A grasshopper walks into a bar; jumps up on the stool and says, "hey bartender give me a drink".
The bartender responds, "HEY...we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper responds, "REALLY?!? You have a drink named Clive?"

[MyO4Rawdur]

I am still laughing over this. Listen carefully at 1:09

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov-1S8Xxd94

hahaha thats awesome. real cartoons not like these crazy stupid ones from today.

[pem]

a smallboy was lost in a large shopping mall.... he went up to a uniformed security guard and said "I've lost my grandpa"...the guard asks "what's he like?"...the boy replies "Miller Lite and women with big tits"

[guspech750]

I am still laughing over this. Listen carefully at 1:09

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov-1S8Xxd94

OMG! That's so funny!!


Sent from my iPhone 4S

DTR + 4.10's + Eaton swap = Wreeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom

[guspech750]

a smallboy was lost in a large shopping mall.... he went up to a uniformed security guard and said "I've lost my grandpa"...the guard asks "what's he like?"...the boy replies "Miller Lite and women with big tits"

LOL! Good one.


Sent from my iPhone 4S

DTR + 4.10's + Eaton swap = Wreeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom

[pem]

a man died and went to heaven...standing in front of the pearly gates he noticed a huge wall of clocks...whats this he asks St Peter....they're lie clocks...everyone on earth has one....who's clock is that, the hands haven't moved....Mother Theresa's clock St Peter replies...she has never lied....Incredible the man says....and whose clock is that...St Peter says it belonged to Abraham Lincoln and the hands only moved twice, telling us he only lied twice in his entire life....the man then asks, where is Obama's clock....St Peter says, Obama's clock is in Jesus office...He's using it for a ceiling fan

[cat in the hat]

Old Mr Johnson is in his doctor's office with his wife of 50 years.

The doctor says "Mr Johnson, I'm going to order a full set of tests. I'm going to need a blood sample, a semen sample, a urine specimen and a stool sample.

Mr Johnson turns to his wife and says "What did he say ?"

And she tells him "He wants your underwear."

[bill64]

did you hear about the polish mob hit... a man was found with his head tied to a tree and his hands shot off!!

[Go2GuyFL]

Did you hear about the Russian chauffeur?

His name is Piekop Andropov.

[MERCMAN]

Why Grandfathers are different:


Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single ass h-ole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist left wing pinko democrat Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a biotch anywhere we went!" Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Krytin]

Why Grandfathers are different:


Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single ass h-ole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist left wing pinko democrat Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a biotch anywhere we went!" Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Well, now I guess I have an idea why my nephews and niece always have a good time when Uncle Paul is around!
And yes, I laughed so hard I did cry!

[bill64]

what kind of bee gives milk?.....bo-bee's.
why are seagulls called seagulls? because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels.
knock knock. who's there? ida. ida who? ida called first but your phone dont work.

[Go2GuyFL]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one! Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, They are lying there together in The after glow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, And says: '

Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[CWright]

Washington D.C.

[PonyUP]

Washington D.C.

Ahh heard that one before and always brings a laugh


The Ice Bucket Approves of this message

[SC Cheesehead]

Ole is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He goes to the door, looks out and sees there are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks them if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.Ole says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife, Lena.


The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."


Ole says, " Ja, I know, but she's got a great personality and she sure can cook, too. "

[babbage]

How much do pirates pay for earrings ?



buccanear !

[SC Cheesehead]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the car, making beer.. .always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctor says I will walk again, but I'll always have this limp...

[kirk]

My friend is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop whenever he wants to.

[SC Cheesehead]

My friend is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop whenever he wants to.



:rofl: JOCULARITY! :rofl:

[SC Cheesehead]

This is a very short video, but if you're a Luddite like me, you'll appreciate it.

A dDaughter is visiting her father and is helping him in the kitchen. She asks, “Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for Christmas ?"
(This is in German but you'll understand.)

http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

[Mr. Man]

As soon as I saw them in the kitchen I knew.:lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried...

[Haggis]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried...

:rofl: JOCULARITY! :rofl:

[RacerX]

It's soooooo cold here in New Hampshire....



Politicians have their hands in their own pockets!


:lol:

[Mr. Man]

It's soooooo cold here in New Hampshire....



Politicians have their hands in their own pockets!


:lol:Hey let's hear it for Jay Leno :fishslap:

[Mr. Man]

http://acidcow.com/pics/20121213/demotivators_picdump_18.jpghtt p://acidcow.com/pics/20121213/demotivators_picdump_09.jpg

http://acidcow.com/pics/20121213/demotivators_picdump_04.jpg

[Go2GuyFL]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[RacerX]

Did you hear about the psychiatric patient to walked into the psychologist's office wearing nothing but cellophane shorts?

The doctor said to him, "I can plainly see you're nuts!" :P

[License2Bill]

If you don’t laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[Haggis]

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of... bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B!tch in the kitchen."

[mossiehorn]

Seniors at Dunkin Donuts

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded
Weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - "thank God we can all still drive."

[Mr. Man]

Elevator Magic
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your mom!"

[SC Cheesehead]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't Fack with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Go2GuyFL]

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state. Her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling early $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they sere one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you ALL my business!'

His funeral is next Thursday.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

[cat in the hat]

Old Mr Shoemaker was at the Doctor's, and mentioned that Mrs Shoemaker was losing her hearing but refused to come in to get it checked out.

The Doctor told him to go home, stand a little distance behind her and then repeat something a few times, moving a little closer each time, until she responded.
That way they could get an idea of the extent her hearing loss.

So while she was in the kitchen he said "Honey, what's for dinner ?" from the parlor, but she did not respond.

He moved up to the kitchen door and said "Honey, what's for dinner ?" but she still didn't respond.

Finally, he was standing right behind her, and said "Honey, what's for dinner ?"

And she replied - "FOR THE THIRD TIME, MEATLOAF, YOU DEAF MOTHER ****ER."

[cat in the hat]

I was in the pet shop when I saw a little sign that said "Talking Centipede."
There was a centipede sitting there under the sign, but it wasn't saying a word.
The pet shop guy said "Yes, sir, he can talk ! Guaranteed ! He just doesn't have anything to say."
He was cute enough, and it was guaranteed, so I bought him and took him home.

When I realized it was St. Patrick's Day, I decided to go out for a beer.
The Talking Centipede was in the next room, so I said "Hey, do you want to go out for a beer ?" But I didn't hear any response.
I said it again - "Hey, want to go out for a beer ?" Nothing.
I was starting to get aggravated, figuring the pet store guy burned me, so I walked into the other room and said it one more time - "Do you want to go out for a beer ?"

And he said "Yeah, yeah, I heard you, I'm putting on my shoes."

[SC Cheesehead]

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.


"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"


Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... But he always told her the truth.


"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!


"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"


"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

[cat in the hat]

Two dogs were in cages at the Vet's office.
One says to the other, "What are you here for ?"

The second dog says "That little prick Timmy next door teased me one time too many, and I finally bit him. Couldn't help myself, damn it. Now they're putting me to 'sleep.' How about you ?"

The first dog says "Well, the lady of the house was drying herself off after she got out of the shower. She bent over, and I just couldn't help myself . . . I jumped on her and had at it."

The second dog says "So they're putting you down, too."

To which the first replied "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[SC Cheesehead]

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

WARNING TO US ALL!!! IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO THAT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT.

Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, that shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this statement: "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

[cat in the hat]

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

WARNING TO US ALL!!! IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO THAT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT.

Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, that shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this statement: "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!


LOL :D


I came home the other day, and the wife was rubbing tin foil on her boobs.

I asked her why, and she said that she saw it on a talk show - they said that it really makes them grow.

I told her to try toilet paper, it sure as hell worked on her ass ;)

[Mr. Man]

Little Gordon was asked by his teacher to spell "straight," little Gordon did so without error.

"Bravo," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?"

"Without water in it.":D

[Ladyhawke]

Little Gordon was asked by his teacher to spell "straight," little Gordon did so without error.

"Bravo," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?"

"Without water in it.":D

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

Little Gordon was asked by his teacher to spell "straight," little Gordon did so without error.

"Bravo," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?"

"Without water in it.":D



:rofl: JOCULARITY! :rofl:

[cat in the hat]

:rofl: JOCULARITY! :rofl:

I always wondered what happened to you . . .

[cat in the hat]

A girl was sitting on the Brooklyn Bridge contemplating jumping.

A sailor saw her, and talked her out of it.
He told her his ship was leaving for Italy, and he could hide her below decks. She could get a fresh start.

It sounded like a good idea, so she went along with him.
He hid her in a small compartment below decks. Every night he'd bring her some food, and then they'd make passionate love until dawn.

After about a week, the Captain found the girl during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here ?" he asked.

She said "One of the sailors is helping me stow away to Italy. Oh, and he's screwing me."

The Captain said "You're not kidding. This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[loud2004marquis]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qzRSU2NWmE

[gdsqdcr]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/s480x480/150487_500427390006118_9191360 56_n.jpg

[IwantmyMMnow!]

A just-married Amish couple are in the bedroom, getting ready to have sex for the first time. The husband can see his new bride is very uncomfortable, and asks her if she would talk to him about it. She confides in him that she's worried he won't desire her because of her small breasts. He tells her not to worry, that he loves her just the way she is, and then confesses that he, too, is anxious because he's hung like a baby. She consoles him and tells him not to worry and convinces him to undo his trousers and reveal himself. When he does, she immediately faints. Several hours later she comes around and with wide eyes says, "I thought you said you were hung like a baby?!?". "Yep", he replies...










"7lbs, 10oz, 21 inches"

[mossiehorn]

WONDERFUL English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY, BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ..

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE

[cat in the hat]

Those are HILARIOUS !

[SC Cheesehead]

The local Lut'ren minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of lutfisk. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .
Third worm in lutfisk . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Ole and Sven was sitting in the back of the church, and Ole quickly raised his hand and said, "If you drink, smoke and eat lutfisk, you won't have worms!"

The service ended shortly after that...

[WhatsUpDOHC]

I learned something new today: lutfisk.

That's the real joke. BLECH!! Who saw some Cod and said "Let's soak that in lye and eat it."?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lutefisk

[SC Cheesehead]

I learned something new today: lutfisk.

That's the real joke. BLECH!! Who saw some Cod and said "Let's soak that in lye and eat it."?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lutefisk

Dat dere's some good stuff, hey!

NOT! ;)

"Every Advent we entered the purgatory of lutefisk, a repulsive gelatinous fishlike dish that tasted of soap and gave off an odor that would gag a goat. We did this in honor of Norwegian ancestors, much as if survivors of a famine might celebrate their deliverance by feasting on elm bark. I always felt the cold creeps as Advent approached, knowing that this dread delicacy would be put before me and I'd be told, "Just have a little." Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot." -Garrison Keillor

[cat in the hat]

I think that there might be something wrong with me - I automatically assumed it was an internet abbreviation for something really demented :lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

I think that there might be something wrong with me - I automatically assumed it was an internet abbreviation for something really demented :lol:

Nah, we'd only start to worry if you told us you LIKED the stuff...:D

[SC Cheesehead]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

______________________________ ____________________

Q:Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
______________________________ ____________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
______________________________ ____________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
______________________________ __________________

Q:Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
______________________________ ____________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh, forget it Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
______________________________ ____________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
______________________________ ___________________

Q:Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
______________________________ ____________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
___________

[SC Cheesehead]

______________________________ _________
Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
______________________________ ___________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
______________________________ ___________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
______________________________ ____________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
______________________________ ____________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of idiots gather.
______________________________ ____________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
______________________________ ____________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
______________________________ ____________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[cat in the hat]

Hahahahahahahahaha ! ! ! !

[WhatsUpDOHC]

More humor from Australia:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0

[Haggis]

I love saracastic people. :flamer:

[cat in the hat]

My neighbor Angela's dog, a schnauzer, seemed to be hard of hearing so she brought him to the vet. The dog had a lot of matted hair in his ears, and after the vet cleaned it out the dog's hearing was fine, so he told her to get some VEET hair remover at the pharmacy.

At the checkout, the pharmacist said "If you're using this on your armpits, don't put any deodorant on them for a few days."
She told him she wasn't.

Then he told her "Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't wear any stockings or pantyhose for a few days."

She said she wasn't doing that either, and said "If you really must know, it's for my schnauzer."

To which he replied "Then stay off your bicycle seat for a week."

[Pat]

In choosing your eternal destiny, would that be smoking or non-smoking?

[WhatsUpDOHC]

In choosing your eternal destiny, would that be smoking or non-smoking?
What will we be smoking?

[cat in the hat]

What will we be smoking?

I'm afraid that part of what will be smoking will probably be me :bounce:

[SC Cheesehead]

At a recent Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled: "Would all married men please stand up and go stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living?"

The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.

[cat in the hat]

I saw a cab driver walking down the street in a huge orange turban, with a beautiful parrot sitting on top.

“Wow ! Where did you get that ?” I asked.

“New York ! They’re all over the damn place !” said the parrot.

[SC Cheesehead]

I saw a cab driver walking down the street in a huge orange turban, with a beautiful parrot sitting on top.

“Wow ! Where did you get that ?” I asked.

“New York ! They’re all over the damn place !” said the parrot.

:rofl: JOCULARITY! :rofl:

[License2Bill]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.



As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator…”



Some old men can still think fast!!

[SC Cheesehead]

Ole and Lena decided to take a vacation over in the Old Country.

While they were there, Lena competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first, the English woman second.

Lena reached the shore completely exhausted. She remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dem utter two girls used dere arms."

[mossiehorn]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
difference between these two words.

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended
by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese
man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5
minutes.

The final question was:
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a
way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer -

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED!!


He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.

[cat in the hat]

Ole and Lena decided to take a vacation over in the Old Country.

While they were there, Lena competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first, the English woman second.

Lena reached the shore completely exhausted. She remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dem utter two girls used dere arms."

. :beer:

[License2Bill]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)






















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling****.






















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

[L.Mark]

...:up:...

[Krytin]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)






















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling****.






















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

In all these years/posts, THIS is the best one yet!!

[Haggis]

[FONT=Arial, Times New Roman][SIZE=-1]...this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan)

Stop right there, now I know this story is a fable.

[L.Mark]

yeah...that kind pulled me out o fthe story too...:D

[cat in the hat]

A guy walks into a bar, pulls a six-foot-long alligator out of a duffel bag, and throws it on the bar.

He slaps the alligator in the side of the head with a wrench, and it opens up it's mouth a foot wide.

Then he pulls out his willy, lays it in the alligator's open mouth, and says "Do any of you sissies have the nerve to do this ? !"

And a little guy in the back says "I'll do it, but please don't hit me with that wrench."

[Haggis]

A guy walks into a bar, pulls a six-foot-long alligator out of a duffel bag, and throws it on the bar.

He slaps the alligator in the side of the head with a wrench, and it opens up it's mouth a foot wide.

Then he pulls out his willy, lays it in the alligator's open mouth, and says "Do any of you sissies have the nerve to do this ? !"

And a little guy in the back says "I'll do it, but please don't hit me with that wrench."

Thanks Frank, now I have to clean coffee off of my monitor.

[cat in the hat]

A guy came home from work and found his wife in the kitchen, rubbing waxed paper on her *bosoms*

When he asked her what she was doing, she told him "It's supposed to make them get really big. I saw it on TV today."

To which he replied, "Why don't you try toilet paper ? It worked on your *derriere*"


[ *New, moderator-compliant format ;) ]

[SC Cheesehead]

A guy came home from work and found his wife in the kitchen, rubbing waxed paper on her *bosoms*

When he asked her what she was doing, she told him "It's supposed to make them get really big. I saw it on TV today."

To which he replied, "Why don't you try toilet paper ? It worked on your *derriere*"


[ *New, moderator-compliant format ;) ]


^^^^^^ :rofl: JOCULARITY!! :rofl:

[cat in the hat]

A guy came home from work and found his wife packing her bags.

"Where are you going ?" he asked.

"I've had it with you. I'm going to Vegas - I heard on TV that they pay $500 for sex there." she said.

So he started packing his bags, too.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see how you're going to live on $750 per year."

[Mr. Man]

The local Sheriff was looking for a new deputy.

When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The Sheriff thinks to himself, "Thats not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The Sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.

"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.

The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[MyTMerc]

http://i.imgur.com/gpALGIH.gif

Adding oil to the engine. How hard is that right? What can go wrong.

[STOGIE BEAR]

I didn't see many Blonde jokes so here goes.
During a recent password audit,it was found that a blonde using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDewe yDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password she said that it had to be at least
8 characters long and contain at least one capitol.

[L.Mark]

^^^^that's funny...

[Mercurykidd]

Finally..The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes!!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progessively more agiated. "What does it look like? she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "it's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. Here it is, "she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Ok, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop..."

[JBFTech]

ROFL^^^^^^^^^^^^ good one


Sent from B.F.E. by aliens

[cat in the hat]

. :lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

There were these three Wisconsin girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counselors office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.

So, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. She replied, "the rhythm method. " That will work, said the counselor, but only if you keep a good record.

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using? "I plan on using birth control pills" she said. He said, Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "the bucket and saucer method." After a short pause and a confused look, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong.

She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm girl. I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you. She replied, "Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers .... I kick the bucket out from under him."






　
　
　
　
　

[License2Bill]

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

[SC Cheesehead]

Sven & Ole worked together & both were **** off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Ole said “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.” The clerk then looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. “Diesel Fitter” he replied. Looking up "Diesel Fitters," it was listed under the skilled jobs category, so the clerk gave Sven $600 a week voucher.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained that Panty Stitchers were unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters were skilled labor.

“Well how do ya figger dat?” yelled Ole. "We bot' work in da unnerwear factory! I sew the elastic on, den Sven grabs 'em, and tries pullin' dem up; if dey go, he says, ‘Yep, diesel fitter.’”

[Mr. Man]

Army Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my *****, to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants. He did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's ***** and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?!"

The general replied, "Vietnam!"

[Go2GuyFL]

Doug works hard at the Ford Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

"Hey, Doug! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Doug. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Doug if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Doug, starts to rub herself all over him and says...

"Hi Doug. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Doug's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Doug follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Doug tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else.

But his wife is having none of it; she is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Doug, you picked up a real floozy this time."

Doug's funeral will be held this coming Friday.