Joke of the day

[Haggis]

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


I guess that's me. :stupid:

[TripleG]

Question #1: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe,
and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

Question #2: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the refrigerator? " (Wrong Answer)

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your
previous actions.

Question #3: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All
the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

The correct answer is: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator. You just put him in there.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Question #4: There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by
crocodiles. How do you manage it?

The correct answer is: You swim across. All the crocodiles are
attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many
preschoolers got several correct answers.

[R Dean]

Unfortunately This Is Not A JOKE

Billions

The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, think
about whether you want that politician spending your tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency
did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its
releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate
Washington spends it. (of which one billion for DOD each day)

The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but consider
this:

It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch
Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.

It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hillary
Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.

It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to
destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the
police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.

It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in
Florida!!!!!!

Damn, our military is GREAT! :D

[greyghost]

The University of Arkansas is not known for academic excellence. A few years ago it's star football player, Bubba, was having trouble meeting academic eligibility. At one point just before a big game, one of Bubba's professors came to him and said, "Bubba, I'm going to ask you one more question. If you get it right, you can play in this game. If you get it wrong, you can't play." Virtually the entire University of Arkansas student body was in the stands, and the professor decided to let everyone know how Bubba was doing. He decided to ask the final question over the stadium PA system. Everyone waited for the final question. Finally, the professor said, "Bubba, what is three plus two?" The student body was absolutely silent waiting for Bubba's answer. Bubba spent several minutes contemplating the question and finally he said, "Three plus two is five." The crowd erupted and in unison chanted, "Give him another chance. Give him another chance."


Barr

[MERCMAN]

>Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night.
He's
>on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the
front seat
>of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is
closed
>so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies
>trying to steal this car?"
>
>"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this
>afternoon."
>
>"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of
here?"
>
>"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we
are
>waiting".
>
>"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.
>
>The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that
if we
>bought a car here we would get screwed."



:banana2: :banana2:

[PhastPhil]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a
job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes
and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing
I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...that's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said
the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB

[greyghost]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.

Barr
GOC0002

[R Dean]

Subject: Oh God

After getting all of Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo
(and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the
Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take
your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never
come to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. So,
reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105
mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he
says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five. " So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the
cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean REALLY important," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Governor?"

"Bigger."

"The President?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

"I think it's God!"

"What makes you think it's God?"

"He's got the Pope driving for him."

[Dr Caleb]

Proof that Rap rots the brain, and Ricers know nothing about cars.

Dialup and language warning!

http://www.technomancer.ca/snowtowcar.wmv

:lol:

[Donny Carlson]

Proof that Rap rots the brain, and Ricers know nothing about cars.

Dialup and language warning!

http://www.technomancer.ca/snowtowcar.wmv

:lol:
OMG that was FANTASTIC!!!! What complete IDIOTS!!! :stupid: :bigcry: :depress:

They could have just PUSHED the car by hand FORWARD and it would have been out of the snow (the driveway was clear), or at least attach the tow cord to something more substantial than bumper! BWAAAHHAAHHAAA!!!

[jgc61sr2002]

Quite amusing. They should have quit after the first crack in the bumper. :stupid:

[kurly]

Proof that Rap rots the brain, and Ricers know nothing about cars.

Dialup and language warning!

http://www.technomancer.ca/snowtowcar.wmv

:lol:

KILLER !!! :lol:

[jefferson-mo]

Proof that Rap rots the brain, and Ricers know nothing about cars.

Dialup and language warning!

http://www.technomancer.ca/snowtowcar.wmv

:lol:

a ha ha ha ha :lol:

ha ha ha a ha ha:lol:


oh stop! you're killin' me! :lol:

[jefferson-mo]

Back to the joke of the day........................... ..........

I got my wife a mood ring for her birthday and the thing REALLY works!

When she's in a good mood it's a really beautiful blue color!



When she's in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark in my forehead!:lol:

[JGaignat]

Three married couples decided they wanted to belong to a new church that had just started in their town. The 6 of them met with the minister to get more information. The minister stated that before they could become members of the church, they had to abstain from sex for 30 days.

30 days later, they met with the minister again. He asked each couple one at a time if they were able to abstain from sex.

The first couple said, "we've been married for many years, we had no problem going without sex for 30 days."

The minister said "congratulations, we can allow you to join the church."

He asked the second couple the same thing. The man said...."it was rough, we almost gave in after the third week, but we managed to abstain from sex for the 30 days." Again, the minister said...."congratulations, we can allow you to join the church."

When it came time to talk to the 3rd couple, the man was very nervous. The minister asked the couple, "did you abstain from sex for 30 days?"
The man said........"well, I have to tell you, it was rough. We made it a couple weeks without too much of a problem, but after about the 25th day.......I saw my wife bend over to pick up a pair of socks.......and I couldn't help myself......I took her right there on the spot." :rasta:

The minister said......." oooooh my.....I'm sorry to hear that.....I'm afraid we can't allow you to be in the church."

The man said...."oooooh, that's ok.......we're not allowed in Wal-Mart anymore either."

[martyo]

What Bush would look like if he was a girl:



Click here: http://www.funsnap.com/1/bushgirl.swf (http://65.54.244.250/cgi-bin/linkrd?_lang=EN&lah=956002d09532898b11b71b3aac 3b0ba3&lat=1076278486&hm___action=http%3a%2f%2fwww%2 efunsnap%2ecom%2f1%2fbushgirl% 2eswf)

[jgc61sr2002]

Marty - Very entertaining. :baaa:

[Donny Carlson]

What Bush would look like if he was a girl:
I've woke up next to worse.:eek:

[martyo]

I've woke up next to worse.:eek:
That would be "coyote" ugly....

[dwasson]

A Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel on his fly.

Bartender, "You have a steering wheel on your fly."

Pirate, "Aye. It's driving me nuts."

[JGaignat]

New Medicine for 2004
1. D A M N I T O L
> >Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to he** for up to 8 full hours.
> >
> >2. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
> >Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
> >unconscious for up to two days. (This would work for Dad's too :banana2: )
> >
> >3. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
> >Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
> >how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
>moved
> >out.
> >
> >4. P E P T O B I M B O
> >Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
> >evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
> >conception.
> >
> >5. D U M B E R O L
> >When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
> >enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
> >
> >6. F L I P I T O R
> >Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
> >urge to flip off other drivers.
> >
> >7. M E N I C I L L I N
> >Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
> >lines as, "You make me want to be a better person Can we get naked
now?"
> >
> >8. B U Y A G R A
> >Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
> >duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
> >
> >9. J A C K A S S P I R I N
> >Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
> >anniversary or phone number.
> >
> >10. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
> >A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
> >share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
> >
> >11. N A G A M E T
> >When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as
> >nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself

[R Dean]

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head. ( MartyO ?) :cry:

4. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

6. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

7. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

8. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[MARAUDERCHICK]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb??



2......but how do you get them in there?

[Dr Caleb]

. . . just picking on em cause they love it :)

[martyo]

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head. ( MartyO ?) :cry: Mr. Dean: You really don't want to get me started on you now, do you? :mad:

[jefferson-mo]

A Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel on his fly.

Bartender, "You have a steering wheel on your fly."

Pirate, "Aye. It's driving me nuts."


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



Stop! you're killin' me!!!




:lol: :lol: :lol:

[MARAUDERCHICK]

TEXAS MATING SPIDERS

A father was watching his daughter playing in the garden,
thinking of how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"He is called a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl
asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy
Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment...then quickly
stomped them flat!
"Well, it might work in other states",
she said "but we don't put up with that crap here in Texas!"
:lol: :lol:

[PhastPhil]

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. " So the married couple
walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some very special sandals I think you Would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into this sex superman?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man". Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the
husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! ! !

[Dr Caleb]

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.

So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump **** from your aircraft."

"Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

[Dr Caleb]

This is for all of us (myself included) who compalin about winter. This is a recent photo from Labrador.

[Dr Caleb]

And, of course, being snowed in your house has advantages:

[dwasson]

Rene Descartes is having dinner at a cafe. The waiter asks if he would like dessert. Mr. Descartes answers, "I think not" and disappears.

[SergntMac]

Waste a few hours paging through this stuff, you'll love it!

http://picoftheday.gaspumpclassics.co m/index.cfm?StartRow=1

Here's one of my favorites...

[jefferson-mo]

Waste a few hours paging through this stuff, you'll love it!

http://picoftheday.gaspumpclassics.co m/index.cfm?StartRow=1

Here's one of my favorites...
Hey Sarge they even got a pic of my new car!!!! :lol: :lol:

[Bigdogjim]

Thanks Mac: It was funny :)

Love the signs:):):)

[PhastPhil]

HERE IS SOME IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION.... ESPECIALLY GOOD THIS TIME
OF THE YEAR!

An interview with Dr. Vinny Goombahtz

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy
vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My
advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have the weight of two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!! "It's
the best feel-good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food , exercise, and diets. Have a cookie...

One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and
salt."

[TooManyFords]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "'Tis absolutely fantastic!"


At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too.

Have a Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

John "Patrick" O'Friel

[woaface]

Funny, since...the scots invented golf. :lol:

Not one of their best acheivments I'd say:help:

My dad did tell me to shush from laughing out loud though...:D

[Bigdogjim]

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=3 width="97%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=message>Two hunters from Alabama are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground. He does not appear to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone
and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator, "My friend is
dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Calm down. Just take it easy.
First let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the
line. He says, "Okay, now what?"


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[martyo]

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't
move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
A few minutes later, "Dad."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in
or stay out!'"


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I
have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five,
that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching
my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
***** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four"

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her
class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking
chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a
smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the
barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[Paul T. Casey]

Thanks Marty, a great way to start my day. I'm still ROFLMAO!! :up:

[martyo]

Thanks Marty, a great way to start my day. I'm still ROFLMAO!! :up:
Anything for a friend Paul!

[Donny Carlson]

A first grade teacher was teaching her kinds about the five senses, and when it came to taste, she decided to have the kids blindfold themselves to see if they could name the flavor of various hard candies she passed out to them. They didn't have much trouble with cherry, or grape, or orange, but when she passed around the honey flavored candies the kids were a bit stumped. "I'll give you a hint," she said, "it's what your mommy calls your daddy."

"SPIT IT OUT" shreaks one kid. "THEY'RE *********S!"

[teamrope]

. When I was six months pregnant with my third child,

What's up with that Marty? :lol:

[martyo]

Woopsie! Guess I should have read my on post! Those damn clients of mine are just taking up too much of my time!!
What's up with that Marty? :lol:

[dwasson]

You work very odd hours.

You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.

You are not proud of what you do.

Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

It's difficult to have a family.

You have no job satisfaction.

If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.

Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth, but if the client is foolish enough to pay, it's not your problem.

When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

[dwasson]

New Products For The Aging Gamer

Since the average age of the hardcore gamer is 29, companies are creating a new generation of games to accommodate this maturing demographic. The time of wholesale "death and destruction" is becoming less entertaining. Aging gamers now demand games that reflect the thrill and exhilaration of "real life,“ while providing the escapism and graphics of cyberspace. Here are some of the new game ideas currently on the drawing board:


1) Grand Theft Audit: The player is required to accumulate wealth by locating kickbacks, contraband and other sources of undeclared income, and hide them before the Tax Man can audit their Piggy Bank. The game has 17 levels, each with a different Tax Code and Tax Bracket. Those reaching the top level are exempted from the Tax Man, but are set upon by the Charity Hordes and The Paparazzi, seeking to knock the player down a few levels.

2) Staff Reduction of Doom: Up to 16 players compete online with each other over a dwindling numbers of staff positions within a global conglomerate. Each player is required to do anything possible to make him/herself appear less expendable than the rest. The player is allowed a choice of assorted sabotage tools, including Slander and Blackmail. Successful players move up a level. All others are tossed from a 40-story building by a caricature of Donald Trump, into a garbage can surrounded by homeless people.

3) Moving Violation: Patterned after many of the most popular driving games, this next generation game requires players to navigate a maze of traffic jams, elderly drivers, car-jacking thugs and small town policemen with ticket quotas. The goal is to make as many trips back and forth between home and work, without losing one's insurance coverage.

4) Sims Child Support: An interactive game, a player must meet, marry and divorce a SIM before child support payments crush their financial stability. Players can play in one of two modes: Fertile Fergie or Philandering Pete. In the Fertile Fergie mode, the player must reproduce as quickly as possible, gaining points and Child Support for each child born. In the Philandering Pete mode, the player must divorce his SIM before she gives birth to more children than he can support. There are no levels in this game, and the player that dies with the most money wins.

5) Consumer Castle of Credit: Players are required to maintain their opulent lifestyle, while keeping their credit manageable. Players borrow and pay off Debt, looking for the perfect balance that allows them to climb the Social Ladder without being knocked off by falling sandbags of Minimum Payments. But watch out for increasing interest rates that can send you back to Level One! This game boasts 256 levels of increasing difficulty.

[SergntMac]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[duhtroll]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I ****** didn't"

[duhtroll]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a ****y willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

[boss330]

Little Johnny & Little Freddy were sitting eating their lunch one day in the playground when Little johnny piped up & said -

"Grandfather got burnt the other day"
Really! said Little Freddy, how bad was he burnt?????
To which Little Johnny said "They dont ***** round in a crematorium:fire: :fire:

[merc406]

A drunk gets up from the bar & heads to the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes later, another loud scream reverbarates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why this guy is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. Your scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sittin here on the toilet," he slurs, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out my testicles!"

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! your sitting on the mop bucket!!

[dwasson]

The Professor

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them basic reading, writing and arithmetic. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby.

[MM03MOK]

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby.Oh, my! :lol: Don't let Haggis see this!! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_158.gif

[Haggis]

Oh, my! :lol: Don't let Haggis see this!! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_158.gif


HEY!! Where do you think I live Mary? :mad2:
Where I'm from sheep are food not family!! :nono:

[martyo]

Where I'm from sheep are food not family!! :nono:

If only Todd could say the same thing.... :eek:

[Haggis]

If only Todd could say the same thing.... :eek:


Sorry Tod. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Marty remember what they say "Payback is a B**ch".

[martyo]

Sorry Tod. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Marty remember what they say "Payback is a B**ch".

You know what they say about things around Todd's trailer park "Men are men, and sheep get nervous!"

[MARAUDERCHICK]

You know what they say about things around Todd's trailer park "Men are men, and sheep get nervous!"
Be Nice Marty!! (baaa baaa) hee hee

[Haggis]

You know what they say about things around Todd's trailer park "Men are men, and sheep get nervous!"


Better nervous then family. Then again I have been called the Black Sheep of the family. :baaa:

[MAD-3R]

I traveling sales man is walking down a back county road when he sees a man behind a barn having sex with a sheep. Out raged at this, he storms up to the front porch and there sitting in the shade is a small boy.

"Son, do you know there is a man behind your barn abusing a sheep?"

"Yeaaaaah, Thaaaats maaa Daaaad."

[duhtroll]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That b*tch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d**k off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

[woaface]

Wait I think I get it. Is the neighbor "taking care"
the wife? So the guy doesn't have to shoot?

That's bad!:nono:

[dwasson]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ears.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[jerrym3]

Three blondes apply for a State Police position.

Interviewer decides to test their powers of observation, so he shows all three of the women a picture of a convicted felon.

After 45 seconds, he places the picture down and asks the first blonde if there were any outstanding features.

"Certainly", she says. "He only had one eye."

Interviewer says "it was a profile shot; you're disqualified".

Same question to the second blonde.

"Well", she says. "He only had one ear".

"Disqualified" says the interviewer.

Same question to the third blonde.

"Well" she says, "he wore contacts".

Interviewer looks at the picture and asks how she knew that.

"Well, duh" says the blonde. "How could he wear glasses with only one eye and one ear?"

[duhtroll]

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[dwasson]

A 92 year old man went to the doctor. "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

[dwasson]

SOME PEOPLE NEVER RETIRE
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale!"

[SergntMac]

Things I say to myself, while remaining politically correct in my office.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm just the boss.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine, is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

23. And your cry baby whiney-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circus.

35. Nice perfume...Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder...my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh, I get it....like humor... but different.

[jerrym3]

Teacher tells her grammar school class that each child is supposed to say something using grown-up words.

Little Mary stands and says, "last weekend, we visited my nana".

"No", syas the teacher. "You visited your grandmother".

Little Suzie stands and says, "we went for a ride on a choo-choo".

"No", says the teacher. "You went for a ride on a train."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Last week, I read a new book".

"Wonderful", says the teacher. "What was the name of the book?"

Little Johnny thinks, and then blurts out "Winnie the *****".

[MM03MOK]

Definitions:

Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don't. If it is fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is CLUB SODA. Pop is Dad. When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER.

The smallest beer is a pint.

Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod.

It's not a water fountain; it's a bubblah.

It's not a trash can; it's a barrel.

It's not a shopping cart; it's a carriage.

It's not a purse; it's a pockabook.

They're not franks; they're haht dahgs.

Franks are money in France.

Police don't drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a crooza.

If you take the bus, your on the looza crooza

It's not a rubber band, its an elastic.

It's not a traffic circle, it's a rotary.

"Going to the islands" means Martha's Vineyard & Nantucket.

If something's good, its pissa' If something's really good, its wicked pissa'


Things not to do:

Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd ... they'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville).

Don't sleep in the Common.

Don't wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day


Things you should know:

There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each).

The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the weatha':

"Solid blue, clear view...." "Flashing blue, clouds due...." "Solid red, rain ahead...." "Flashing red, snow instead...." (except in summer; flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out)

Route 128 is also I-95 south. It's also I-93 north.

The underground train is not a subway. It's the "T" and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk)

Order the "cold tea" in China Town after 2:00 am & you'll get a kettle full of beer.


Bostonians...

....think that it's their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.

....think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's). .....think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave

....refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting."

....always "bang a left" as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.

...say everything in town is "a five-minute walk."

...believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.

...think that 63-degree ocean water is warm.

...think Rhode Island accents are annoying.

[duhtroll]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[woaface]

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
Some things are more apt for me than others...:lol:

[R Dean]

Kemo Sabi Who?

In a time long ago, the Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes his faithful friend

“Kemo Sabi, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

What does that tell you?” asks Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute.

“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day, tomorrow.

“What does it tell you, Tonto?” The Indian is silent for a moment and then speaks.

“Kemo Sabi you dumb butt, someone has stolen our tent.” :eek:

[duhtroll]

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[dwasson]

Three New Hampshire surgeons were having lunch together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon around. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later, he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in a terrible accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later, he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a neck tie.

He's now got the Democratic nomination for President of the United States!"

[MarauderMark]

Ever watch the little rascals? there was this one episode were the boys had to use the word dictate in a sentence in front of the class.well spanky got up and says in our club i dictate to the other members what kind of show we will be putting on tonight.Miss crabtree says "very good spanky ,ok alfalfa now it's your turn" alfalfa looks at darla and says i dictate to you how much i love you don't i ? Darla looks at alfalfa and smiles.Miss crabtree says "very good alfalfa and that was so sweet" .As miss crabtree looks around the room she calls on buckwheat and syas buckwheat will come to the front of the room and use the word dictate in a sentence .Buckwheat says "otay misses crabtree" he goes to the front of the class looks a Darla and says "Hey darla , howded my dictate".... :lol:

[Constable]

I'm sure many of you have seen the "Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories" segments on Chapelle's Show.

Rick James: "There's a joke goin' 'round... What did the five fingas say to da face?!

SLLAAAPP!!!!"



Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories: Rick James (http://nathan.kichline.com/Charlie%20Murphy's%20True%20Ho llywood%20Stories.wmv)

[SILVERMARAUDER]

I'm sure many of you have seen the "Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories" segments on Chapelle's Show.

Rick James: "There's a joke goin' 'round... What did the five fingas say to da face?!

SLLAAAPP!!!!"



Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories: Rick James (http://nathan.kichline.com/Charlie%20Murphy's%20True%20Ho llywood%20Stories.wmv)
I BURNED UP 30 MIN ON THAT WOW! THAT IS FUNNY!

[jefferson-mo]

In Rememberance.................. ....:cry:

With all the trauma and sadness going on in the world right now, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey-Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.....




and then the trouble started

[2005Marauder]

Grandson had been attending bible study and when Grandma came for a visit she asked him about Sunday school. He replied, "It great and I'm learning a lot, but I am confused about who Jesus's mother was." Grandma replied, "What do you mean?" The young boy said, "Well, I'm not sure if his mother was the the Virgin Mary or if his mother was the King James' Virgin."

[BruteForce]

A lobbyist who was on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., got stuck in traffic.

"Wow," he thought. "This is even worse than usual."

After awhile a police officer walked down the line of stopped cars. The guy rolled down his window and asked, "What's the holdup, officer?"

"President Bush is depressed," the cop said. "He's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes him about why we went to war, or the connection between Saddam and al Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone but his wealthy friends. We're taking up a collection for him."

"O.K." the lobbyist said, reaching for his wallet. "How much have you got so far?"

"About five gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[David Morton]

A man breaks in on his son because he heard him on the toilet masturbating and said "Son, if you keep doing that you'll go blind!" and his son said, "Dad, I'm over here in the bathtub."

[David Morton]

A grasshopper hops up on the bar and said, "Give me a beer.", and the bartender said, "Hey, do you know there's a drink named after you?", and the grasshopper said, "Neat. How do you make this 'Frank' ?"

[MM03MOK]

The French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" is feminine - - " la maison." "Pencil" is masculine -- " le crayon."

A student asked, " What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups --- male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their Recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because ..
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[2005Marauder]

A teacher gave her fifth graders an assignment to have their parents tell
them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came back and related their
tales. Most were of the variety: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or
"Don't count your chickens until they're hatched." Then, little Michael
shared his story.

"My dad told me about Aunt Helen, who was with the Special Services in
Afghanistan. She was in a transport plane when it was hit by Taliban fire.
She bailed out, carrying only a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down, and landed in the midst of
100 enemy troops! She killed seventy of them with the machine gun, and
stopped firing only when she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty with
the knife when the blade broke, she killed the remaining ten with her
bare hands!"

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what did your dad say was the
moral of that story?"

"Well, my dad said to stay away from Aunt Helen when she's been drinking."

[David Morton]

Fred and Nan were members of a unique golf course. It had sunken pirate ship in the pond and various other themes. The thirteenth hole was a par five dog leg to the left, a farm scene that had a big red barn at the outside of the bend. One day, Freds' slice took his tee shot off the fairway and it landed with the barn directly between the ball and the hole. Well, he was walking over to it with his nine iron to try and loft it over the barn when his wife chimed in. "Wait Honey, these doors line up with the hole. I bet if we throw them open you could shoot a two iron straight through the barn and maybe roll up on the green." He said OK and when he hit his shot, she was peeking around the far side door to see him, it hit her right in the head and killed her! Aaauuugh!

Two months later the guys at the club asked the new guy Joe (Fred seemed to like him) if he could entice him to get Fred to play a round of golf with him. All he knew was Fred's wife had died from a "tragic accident" playing golf, and Fred had swore he'd never play another round. Joe knew nothing about what had happened at the 13th hole. Amazingly, Fred said OK but Joe noticed a marked change in Fred when they finished their puts on the 12th. Joe had seen that look before, on the faces of veteran commanders in the amphibious transports on the way to Omaha beach, June 6th, 1941. And doggone-it if Freds slice didn't come right back and deposit his ball not two feet from where it had landed that day his wife died! As before he heads over to his ball with his nine iron and, yup, Joe saw it too. "Wait Fred! These doors line up with the hole. I bet...." And then Fred shut him up fast, "Shut up! Don't say it! I already know what you're going to say. (sarcastically) 'If we throw these doors open, you can try to hit a two iron and maybe roll onto the g*dd*mn green.' Well brother I'm not going to do it. I tried that once before and the last time I tried that, I dropped three strokes on this ******ng hole!

[rookie1]

heard on comedy central:


Now that my food drive has replacd my sex drive I can't even get into my own pants.

[Marauderman]

heard on comedy central:


Now that my food drive has replacd my sex drive I can't even get into my own pants.
That could be used to insert other words for food--like maybe ...huh...BEER!

[duhtroll]

The President's Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

[duhtroll]

. . .and I heard a great one the other day:

"Remember when the President was a womanizer and his brother was an idiot?"

:P

[duhtroll]

I don't know why I found this so funny - but I did.

Clown joke: read at own risk

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved clowns. I mean LOVED them. He had posters of them all over his wall and pictures of them everywhere.
One day his parents took him to the Circus to see all of the clowns. He was so excited! He never saw one up close before! In the middle of the show, a tiny little car came out and out came 20 clowns! He was cheering so loud he couldn't speak for a couple minutes. Just then, the Leader of the Clowns took a microphone and asked for a volunteer. Billy raised his hand and shouted ''Me! Me!'' The clown looked around and said ''You!'' as he pointed at Billy. He was so happy!

Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown looked down at him and asked, ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy said ''No...'' ''Are you the horse's ears?'' ''No...'' Then the clown got an evil look in his eye as he said ''Then you must be the horse's a$$!'' The whole tent shook with laughter, and Billy cried his eyes out. He couldn't believe a clown made fun of him like that! He swore revenge!

Billy grew up, he went to college, got a job, got married, and had a few kids, but still never forgot what that clown did to him. One morning he saw an ad in the paper for the same circus, and decided to go. He knew the PERFECT insult to get him back! When he told his wife and kids he was going his kids asked if they could goto the circus with him. He calmly said ''No. Daddy has something he needs to do there.'' In the middle of the show, a little car came out and out came about 20 clowns. The crowd cheered, except for Billy. The Leader of the Clowns took a microphone. It was the same Clown! Billy was so excited that he could now get revenge!

The clown asked for a volunteer. Billy calmly raised his hand. The clown picked him! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown said ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy stayed calm and said ''No.'' The clown asked ''Are you the horse's ears?'' Billy replied ''No.'' Then the clown said ''Then you must be the horse's a$$!''

Billy knew his time had come. As the crowd laughed and everyone cheered, his anger grew. Now was the time for revenge. He looked deep into the clown's eyes and said...

''F*** you, Clown.''

[Dan]

I don't know why I found this so funny...


Well, I guess that make two of us. :D

[MapleLeafMerc]

A baby seal walks into a club...

[Dan]

A man walked into a bar carrying a large slab of asphalt and ordered a drink and one for the road.

[David Morton]

Think you'll all like this one (Followed by image of Tom Dschle with left hand on chest)
Base varlot! Thee hast obviously doctored thine graven image disguising the truth. Thine attempt to hide truth hath called upon me to call thee upon the field of honor to do righteous combat for honors sake.

Wait! I think I have an original of that photo.

[David Morton]

A foxy blonde cop pulled over another foxy blonde and aske for her licence.

"Licence?" she said, "Yeah, you know that thing in your purse that has your name on it and a picture of you." said the cop. "Oh, that silly old thing." said the ditz and she reached inside her purse and handed the cop her personalized make-up compact. The cop opened it, looked in the mirror and handed it back to the girl and said, "Oh, I'm sorry honey. I didn't know you were a police officer, too. You can go. Professional couretesy."

[2005Marauder]

He's so old all his friends in Heaven think that he didn't make it.

[David Morton]

The difference between women and men is; a woman is going for the one man that will supply her every need and a man is going for every woman that will supply his one need. :rock:

[David Morton]

Brother Bob got the spirit one day and picked up a drunk he saw laying in a gutter. He gave him a little room in the rectory, made him the janitors assistant and admonished him to seek God and turn from his evil ways. Well something happened and the old drunk turned his life around, stopped drinking, cleaned himself up and started going to services and was saved! He got a job in his old profession and was quickly promoted. Before you knew it, he was the talk of the local community and time was set aside for him to share his story of salvation from oblivion before the sermon next Sunday. Leaflets were passed out and a revival was declared! The cathedral was filled to capacity when the former dipsomaniac got up and delivered the most awe inspiring tale of God's power to change the life of the repentant sinner. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. After he finished his witness he humbly bowed to the altar as the audience burst out in a deafening applause. Brother Bob came over and took the microphone and said, "How joyous for us to hear what God has done for you. Tell us now, what did the Devil ever do for you?" And the old man angrily snatched the microphone and said, "***** on him! That g*dd*mn, m*th*r******ng, s*n-of-a-b*tch has done nothing but ***** me in the a$$ since the day I was born!"

[David Morton]

A man walks into his local drug store and said, "Where's Fred?" to the middle aged woman behind the counter. "Oh, he's gone. Me and my sister bought the store from him last week. Can I help you?" The man said he was kind of embarrased and hoped to talk with his friend but she assured him that she and her sister had been in the pharmacy business for thirty years and were certified and had heard just about everything. So he said, "Well, I woke up with an erection three weeks ago and it won't go away. One guy said he'd heard about a disorder called "priapism" and said it's permanent and I don't know what to do about it." She said, "Hang on, I think I know what to do. Just let me check with my sister to be sure." And she went into the back and came out in less than a minute and said, "I just talked to my sister, we'll give you $5,000 now and half interest in the business."

[MM03MOK]

What happens when you:

1) Have nothing to do

2) Own a sharp knife

3) Have a large lime

4) Own a patient cat

5) Drink too much tequila

6) And it's football season?

[Donny Carlson]

Base varlot! Thee hast obviously doctored thine graven image disguising the truth. Thine attempt to hide truth hath called upon me to call thee upon the field of honor to do righteous combat for honors sake.

Wait! I think I have an original of that photo.
KSSM03 likely did not fake the photo himself, but merely passed on the fake from someplace else. You gotta be careful with found images, otherwise you can get sucked in by a good fake.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/daschle.asp

[David Morton]

KSSM03 likely did not fake the photo himself, but merely passed on the fake from someplace else. You gotta be careful with found images, otherwise you can get sucked in by a good fake.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/daschle.aspYeah, but it isn't even a good fake! Thanks for the link that proves it. I had no hard feelings, so I did a little of my own playing around to try and bring a little levity to some meanness I think can screw us up.

Partisan politics is a good way to bust up and screw up a good fellowship and I hate to see too many guys on this site campaigning for their guy when we're supposed to be about the greatest car for the dollar since the 64&1/2 Mustang, the 2002-04 Marauder!

[Krytin]

How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southerners?



Answer: Pose the following question


You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock 23, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?



Democrat answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question. Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have the appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definately want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 911?Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. This is all so confusing! I need to confer with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican answer:


BANG!



Southerner's answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading a fresh magazine)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
So this dosen't work since Im not from the south?

My own daughter knows I don't use Silver Tips - I hand load Speer 200 gr. JHPs to 1200 fps for my .45 ACP!

[MapleLeafMerc]

LMAO!!! :lol:

[David Morton]

How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southerners?



Answer: Pose the following question


You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock 23, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?



Democrat answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question. Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have the appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definately want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 911?Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. This is all so confusing! I need to confer with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican answer:


BANG!



Southerner's answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading a fresh magazine)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
So this dosen't work since Im not from the south?

My own daughter knows I don't use Silver Tips - I hand load Speer 200 gr. JHPs to 1200 fps for my .45 ACP!
What horse*****. I'm a southern democrat and my answer is shoot to kill. Then I might ask myself a few of those questions. All I know is that people that hate human beings will hate any human being given enough reason. I've had enough of hate. It's corrosive to it's container.

Back to the topic...

When Bill Clinton and Dubya were riding in the Limo to the inauguration ceremony George asked Bill how he was so lucky at scoring with the babes. Bill told him having a "Biggun" might have something to do with it. When dubya asked how come his tool was so big, Bill told him he always whacked it on the bedpost three times before sex. Anxious all day to try it out on Laura, George was hard as a rock when the day finally came to an end and it was time for bed. Walking into the dark room where Laura had already gone to bed 15 minutes before he wacked it on the bedpost just like Bill had said.

"Whack. Whack. Whack."

(Laura) "Oh, Bill. So that rumor about the secret passage is really true!"

[Krytin]

That was good. You missed the disclaimer:
"So this dosen't work since Im not from the south?"
I also agree with your comments.

[MM03MOK]

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.

So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.

So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[David Morton]

Boy, can I ever relate to that kid. :o

[jrzygrl]

A man walks into his local drug store and said, "Where's Fred?" to the middle aged woman behind the counter. "Oh, he's gone. Me and my sister bought the store from him last week. Can I help you?" The man said he was kind of embarrased and hoped to talk with his friend but she assured him that she and her sister had been in the pharmacy business for thirty years and were certified and had heard just about everything. So he said, "Well, I woke up with an erection three weeks ago and it won't go away. One guy said he'd heard about a disorder called "priapism" and said it's permanent and I don't know what to do about it." She said, "Hang on, I think I know what to do. Just let me check with my sister to be sure." And she went into the back and came out in less than a minute and said, "I just talked to my sister, we'll give you $5,000 now and half interest in the business."
I know this comes as no big surprise..but I like this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TripleTransAm]

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event.

It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold. If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match . . . the American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly, there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded. When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of nuts right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!"

[David Morton]

Penelope and Millicent, the Thompson spinsters, had been saving their nickels and dimes for fifty years in that tiny apartment so they could achieve their life's dream of starting a chicken ranch in the country. And when the great day finally came they bought a nice piece of land, had a contractor building a house and chicken koops and went into the small farm town to see the man at the stockyards to put in their poultry order.

Millicent said, "We want to buy fifty hens and fifty roosters.", and the man laughed. He said, "Ladies, everybody wants to see you two succeed with the ranch so I wouldn't be very popular with the farmers around here if I was to go taking advantage by selling you all those roosters. For fifty hens, one rooster is all you're going to need." Sneering, Penelope elbowed her sister and said, "Isn't that just like a MAN!"

[David Morton]

When Harold decided he was tired of the rat-race and dragged Hortense out to 'Green Acres', the first thing he wanted to do was get a sow and start raising pigs. So he asked the neighboring farmer what to do and he said he'd sell him a sow, but that he'd have to go breed her. He suggested that a farmer about a mile down the road had a boar and only charged $10, but that another one had a better boar with a much greater chance of getting piglets, but he was two miles away and charged $20. But if he wanted the best chance of success, he should go to the man with the county fair blue ribbon boar that was on the other side of town, ten miles away. He charged $50. Well Harold got one smell of that sow he wasn't about to load her up in his Buick, so he put her in a wheelbarrel and took off down the road. Being very tired after one mile he decided to try the first farmer and dropped her off for the day, came back at the end of the day per agreement, paid the fee and went home. Next morning he went out to see and, DAMN! NO PIGLETS! So he loaded up the sow again and went to the guy two miles away, same type deal, leave her for the day. Next morning, very sore he went out to see and, NOT AGAIN! STILL NO PIGLETS? CRAP! So, very determined he loaded up the sow in the wheelbarrel once again and went to the man with the prize boar. That night he was so tired he just fell into bed. Next morning, he was so sore he couldn't get out of bed so he said to Hortense, "Honey, I'm beat. Will you go out there and see if we have any piglets yet?" She said yes and went out to the barn, came back and said, "No piglets yet, but the sow has climbed into the wheelbarrel for you and is ready to go."

[MM03MOK]

New Regulations in the New Jersey
Registry of Motor Vehicles 2004 Handbook:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Thank You,
Governor Jim McGreevey

[CRUZTAKER]

Q. What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A. Christopher Walken.

[MERCMAN]

Andy Rooney Has Guts


Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back: (for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is an 82 year old US TV commentator.) I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some government stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!

ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?


I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop,trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and Television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French Fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else. And if you don't like my point of view, DON'T PASS IT ON

[Dan]

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/rooney4.asp

Andy never said that.

[David Morton]

You forgot the thread Dan, it's the joke of the day! mercman! :lol:

[martyo]

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically
hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter
at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What
we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and
The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a
beautiful green
golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and reminisce
about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big
hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the
door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him ...


So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now,
you must
choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never
have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down,
down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the
middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's
hot, hot, hot and the odor is just horrible.

Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to
him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before
was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate
lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles and says, "Yesterday we
were campaigning . . today you voted for us.

[dwasson]

Automotive parts and accessories supplier J.C. Whitney unveiled its new JCW-X1, the company's first turn-key automobile, to the Detroit automotive press today.

Company CEO B.Q. Whitney says it was a natural progression, "We were setting around one day in my office, and T.J. (T.J. Whitney, brother of B.Q. and Chief Product Manager of J.C. Whitney) laughed and said that he thought we had enough parts in our catalog to make an entire car. We both looked at each other, and I knew what he was thinking...let's do it...let's build a car! It was a great idea, I don't know why we didn't do it sooner."

Chief design Engineer B.B. Whitney (cousin of B.Q. and T.J.) said they were limited to the parts they had on hand, but that was not a problem, "Outside it turned out just great, it's a beautiful car. It features the gold trim accents and gold spoke wheels with the gold spotlight and gold trimmed Xenon bulb foglights. We added the deluxe gold 'Bugler Swan' hood ornament for that extra special touch of elegance. Out back we have the 'LED Message License Plate Frame' which enables the driver to add up to 4 messages of 118 characters which will display on a 6" by 8" screen. Class all the way."

Interior Design Specialist K.C. Whitney (third cousin once removed of B.B.), said that when she designed the interior, there was no expense or luxury feature spared, "The interior is where the driver will spend all of their time, so we wanted every convenience and comfort option the customer would ever want or need on the JCW-X1.Once the driver gets inside the JCW-X1, we want them to be more comfortable than they are in their living room, and we think we've succeeded! The seats are 100% pure velour and vinyl-look leather, no imitation stuff here, available in either Zebra-Stripe or Tiger-Stripe patterns. We have the 'triple chrome plated' barefoot accelerator and brake pedals, and the '8-Ball' shift knob as standard interior equipment. The customer has their choice of custom floor mats, they can choose 'Yosemite Sam' or 'Bugs Bunny' double thick all-weather super duty rubber mats or personally embroidered heavy duty cloth mats with their initials on both the front and back mats. A high quality imitation wood grain steering wheel completes the truly unique interior...and yes...when the driver hits the horn button they are serenaded by a powerful 5-trumpet 118 decibel 'Air-Blast' horn that plays the first 11 notes of 'Dixie'. When a person thinks 'Class' we want them to think JCW-X1."

Director of Powertrain Development R.Z. Whitney (no relation) said that versatility was they key, "we wanted to keep costs down, but quality high. We also know that not everyone wants the same engine characteristics in a car. Some want smooth power, some want great fuel mileage. The only way to satisfy a broad market segment was to make an enormous engine bay that any engine would fit into. The JCW-X1 can be made with anything from a Ford Pinto 4 cylinder to a Chevrolet or Dodge Big Block. We have access to literally hundreds of thousands of rebuilt engines of all makes, so we thought 'why not make a car that will accept any of them?' The customer can get the JCW-X1 in almost any guise they want, from hot rod to economical commuter, with an already proven engine design. Just order the engine you want and you're set! We think it's the most versatile vehicle on the planet. Who needs an SUV when you can have a JCW-X1!"

Prices are not yet set, but are expected to be competitive with other quality automobiles, said Marketing Director Q. L. Whitney (genetic clone of CEO B.Q. Whitney); "We are establishing a dealer network at the moment and expect to sell our first retail JCW-X1 late this fall. I say 'retail' because we have already sold three very special JCW-X1's to Jay Leno, Eric Clapton and millionaire New York pimp Jimmy 'The Judge' Jefferson. Jimmy's was a real gem, as he ordered it completely gold plated on the outside with a pink half-vinyl roof and genuine sheepskin interior. While not everyone may want one like Jimmy's, we think every JCW-X1 is truly in a class by itself!"

[David Morton]

Hey, what about a steering wheel knob? They left out the steering wheel knob! And they also forgot those weld-to-fit exhaust cut-outs (as featured in that Hollywood essential movie Redline 7000 ). I want some of those for my car!

Bwaahahahaha!

[Krytin]

I did find a nice skull steering wheel nob to go w/license frame & bolts and the skull head tire valve caps - just don't have the nerve to actually buy it!

[martyo]

I did find a nice skull steering wheel nob to go w/license frame & bolts and the skull head tire valve caps - just don't have the nerve to actually buy it!

Donny Carlson had the balls to buy 'em. That's why he is "the" man!! :up:

[jerrym3]

A drunk walks into a bar and asks for a shot and a beer.

Then he walks over to three mean looking bikers, all decked out in leather and chains, and looks the biggest one straight in the eye.

"Your grandmother is one hot looking babe". No reaction from the biker.

"Last night, I banged her for hours" Still no response, although the other two bikers are starting to look strangely at their friend.

"And you want to know something? She was still begging for more" !!

With that, the biker gets up.

"Didn't we ask you to cut down on your drinking, grandpa ?"

[Krytin]

Donny Carlson had the balls to buy 'em. That's why he is "the" man!! :up:
I have everything but the steering wheel nob - the wife will shoot me if I buy it. It's listed @ MoonEyes,com here:> [/url]http://69.20.89.230/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=143

[dwasson]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop."

[woaface]

HAHA! Funny, clean...sorta.:lol:


Hey, where is Mac these days anyways? I miss his knowledgable comments for technical purposes!:alone:

[David Morton]

Bre'r Bear wuz takin' a shet in da woods an look'd over hiz shoulda' to see Bre'r Rabbit a watchin'!(?)

Bre'r Bear:"Say, Bre'r Rabbit. Duz da shet stick to yo fur?"
Bre'r Rabbit:"Naw Bre'r Bear. Shet don't stick to my fur."
Bre'r Bear:"Good!"

And with that said, he picked up Bre'r Rabbit and wiped his a$$ with him.

[MM03MOK]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regreted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.

"Oh, my God! I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver. The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached. The cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.

The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said he Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[David Morton]

Love those Catholic jokes. :lol:


Mother Superior Sister Agnes asked Sally, whom the sisters had raised since she was orphaned at three, what she was planning on doing after she graduated the high-school. She offered several names of good colleges for Sallys consideration but Sally said she wanted to see the world first, London, Paris, Berlin, all the great cities of Europe.

Agnes: "But child, how can you do that with no money?"
Sally: "I'll find a way to pay for it. I don't care if i have to be a prostitute."
Agnes fainted like a wet dish rag. When they revived her she asked for a clairification.
Agnes: "My child, what was that you said you were going to do to pay for this trip to Europe? I'm not sure I heard you correctly."
Sally: "I said, I don't care if I have to be a prostitute."
Agnes: "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were going to be a protestant."

[duhtroll]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes w ith the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

[jerrym3]

(Feel free to change the names as you see fit.)


G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, and my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?

Bush replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[dwasson]

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

[duhtroll]

After reviewing a complicated divorce case, the Judge looks to the husband and says, "Based upon the facts before me, I've decided to give your wife $750 per month."

The husband smiles and says, "That's great. Heck, I'll even throw in a few bucks myself."

[David Morton]

Little Billy wanted the bicycle he saw in the Schwinn Store very badly and remembering what his grandmaw had said about the power of prayer he asked God for the bike in his prayers but didn't get any results. Thinking maybe God thought he hadn't been a very good boy in school, he promised God he would be very good for a whole week! Sure enough the sisters noticed a marked change and sent him home with a note that was so encouraging to his mommy, she baked him a special batch of cookies. That night he was sure God would grant his request. But the next morning, there was no bike anywhere to be found. Very discouraged, he was headed back to his room when he looked up and saw the shrine with the statue of the Virgin Mary on it and was instantly struck with an inspiration! Secretly, he took the statue down, hid it under his shirt and took it up to his bedroom where he carefully wrapped it up in a blanket and put it in the bottom of his toy chest, again very carefully placing the toys on top and closing the chest. Then, with the chest back inside the closet, he went to his bed and got on his knees.

"God? This is Billy, you know the one that wants the bike. Now listen very carefully, because if you ever want to see your mother again....."

[dwasson]

1 Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
2 Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap-life is expensive.
3 Only hits count. The only thing worse then a miss is a slow miss.
4 If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
5 Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and Diagonal movement are preferred.)
6 If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7 In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8 If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9 Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be dependent on "pucker factor" then the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket."
11 Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12 Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13 Have a plan.
14 Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15 Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
16 Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17 Don't drop your guard.
18 Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19 Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them.)
20 Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21 The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22 Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
23 Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
24 Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
25 Do not attend a gun fight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller then "4".
26 Your can't miss fast enough to win.

[David Morton]

This might sound like a joke but I was reminded of the first time I almost had sex when I was 14. The guys had dared me to speak to the prostitute on 14th street and she asked if I wanted to do "69" and I said yes so she took me to the motel and no sooner had we gotten in the position before she farted right in my face!

So I ran right out of there. No way I was going to put up with 68 more of those farts!

[RCSignals]

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the pres. yacht, the Sequoia.
They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats on the hill, and amoung Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany was:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Bush Can't Swim."

[teamrope]

This might sound like a joke but I was reminded of the first time I almost had sex when I was 14. The guys had dared me to speak to the prostitute on 14th street and she asked if I wanted to do "69" and I said yes so she took me to the motel and no sooner had we gotten in the position before she farted right in my face!

So I ran right out of there. No way I was going to put up with 68 more of those farts!
EEWWWW!!!!!!

[duhtroll]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[MERCMAN]

A group was touring London, marveling at the historic buildings, art collections, and such. The group included people from many countries. During the tour of the Tower of London, a man from Prague and another man from Athens struck up a conversation about some point in history.
A small disagreement ensued, which rapidly became a large one. They decided to settle the matter then and there using the historical accouterments at hand. Donning armor and chain mail, they prepared for a battle to the death. This attracted the attention of the rest of the tour group, who crowded around for a better look. Inasmuch as the combatants were in period dress, the people couldn't tell one from another.
"Is that the Czech wearing the armor?" asked one tourist. "No," replied another, "The Greek is in the armor. The Czech is in the mail

[duhtroll]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

[duhtroll]

Only slightly racy --

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?.
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a g-string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied.

[Dan]

[Dan thinks out loud] Hmmm, I had a Priest Joke thread deleted once. I wonder what the reaction to the above joke will be?[/Dan thinks out loud]

:bows: ;) :confused: :lol:

I did think that was a funny joke. I have one or two but I am going to see if your joke lasts first. :)

Best,

Dan

[MERCMAN]

I think this joke will pass muster, after all, priests and nuns have to vacation as well. Let your conscience be your guide, if you would not tell the joke to a priest, then don't post it here!! :up:

[duhtroll]

Actually my exp. has been that the priests themselves tell the raciest ones. (not pornographic, but ones that I would hesitate to tell in the presence of clergy).

-A


I think this joke will pass muster, after all, priests and nuns have to vacation as well. Let your conscience be your guide, if you would not tell the joke to a priest, then don't post it here!! :up:

[Marc]

Several elderly Irish lasses were picking potatoes in the field. One of them stopped while holding two rather large spuds. She let a big sigh. One of the other women asked, "What's wrong dear?'

The woman holding the spuds responded, "Aye, these potatoes remind me of my dear departed husbands testicles."

The women responded, "Oh dear!!! Were they really that large??"

"Oh no." the woman responded. "They were that dirty."

[TripleTransAm]

I am dyslexic of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

[MERCMAN]

speaking of dyslexic, how about the dyslexic agnostic? He didn't believe in Dog :baaa:

[TripleTransAm]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management."

[Dr Caleb]

I am dyslexic of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

:lol:

See my sig.

[TripleTransAm]

A woman walks into a Mercury dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mildly passes gas. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little faux pas, and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say..... If you farted just touching it... you're going to crap when you hear the price."

[chrish]

Knock knock
Who's there:
any....
Lat me be the first to: :fishslap: YOU

[duhtroll]

THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearin g a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. (Damn it...I want pictures!!!)

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County polic e said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to le ave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

[duhtroll]

EDIT:

Image removed because it changed to a porn site.

:loco: :dunno: :banned: :run:

[dwasson]

Bob returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Alma agreed and again they made love. Later, Bob was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Bob, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Bob, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

[PhastPhil]

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY.

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would Be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and would probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday." Anyway,
I thought,"well, that's wives for you, the Children will remember!" The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word!

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little remembered...

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

" We went to lunch". We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss,
If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and
dozens of our friends.

They were all singing Happy Birthday...
and there I sat on the couch

......EFFIN NAKED !!!

[duhtroll]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please? I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringleader. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?," says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus," says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck inquires.

"That's right," replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the f*** would they want with a plasterer?"

[TripleTransAm]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day,when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me."

[martyo]

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company.

One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"



"SOMETIMES BULL**** AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME!!"

[MAD-3R]

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters whose jobit was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiencyreport simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster'sbbell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak,so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pullet surprise.

[duhtroll]

THAT . . .

was awesome!

:rofl: :bows: :high5: :beer: :trophy:

[duhtroll]

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and notices that her husband isn't in bed.

She gets up and goes down to find out where he is. She finds him staring at the wall, tears in his eyes. She asks, "What's wrong, darling?"

After a while he answers, "Do you remember the first time we had sex in the back of my car and your father caught us?"

"Yes," she answers.

"Do you remember when he put a gun in my mouth and said, 'You either marry my daughter or you go to prison for at least 20 years!!!'"

"Yes, I still remember" answers his wife, moved by his memory.

"Well," he says, "today I would have been free... "

[marauderbug]

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked
the Krispy Kreme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and
disconnected an important call.


"BIG BOB and the TWINS" MartyO??? :shake:

[MERCMAN]

> Old Woman Fights Back
>
>
>
> An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York
City
>Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator
and
>smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says
arrogantly,
>"Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
>
>
>
> The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and
also
>very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150
an
>ounce!"
>
>
>
> About three floors later, the old woman has reached her
destination
>and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks
both
>beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most
foul-smelling
>fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying
"Broccoli -
>49 cents a pound."

[MERCMAN]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
> >hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores
> >he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
> >
> >Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that"! Here's a picture of
> >my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his
> >wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
> >
> >So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,
> >he would go there and look at it.
> >
> >Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
> >
> >One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
> >As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
> >
> >"So that's the ugly b***h he's runnin' around with."

[King Fubar]

A little hillbilly boy came running home one day and said "Daddy, Daddy I'm gonna marry me a virgin."

The Father said "Boy ain't no way your gonna marry a virgin!!"

The little boy asked why not and the dad replied "If she ain't good 'nuff for her family she ain't good 'nuff for ours"

[Patrick]

the carburettor
"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

[Patrick]

New Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

[Patrick]

A New York Lawyer
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

[Patrick]

10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[Patrick]

Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

[Patrick]

Chuckie Chicken
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

[MM03MOK]

Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.":tmi: :awe: :tmi:

[Patrick]

:tmi: :awe: :tmi: I said I wasnt having a good day!!
:wave: :run: :hide: :wflag: :wflag: :wflag:

I have a bunny in my Avatar............ Probably wont help!!

[duhtroll]

Holy crap!

I've been waiting to hear the beginning of that joke ever since I saw "Men In Black."

Thanks! Now the voices might stop.

-A


Chuckie Chicken
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

[Patrick]

Holy crap!

I've been waiting to hear the beginning of that joke ever since I saw "Men In Black."

Thanks! Now the voices might stop.

-A

Just dont answer the voices!
:lol:

[Patrick]

10 Reasons Not To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[Patrick]

A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[Patrick]

In Hot Pursuit
Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

[dwasson]

FUN FACTS ABOUT HALLIBURTON

* Halliburton gets its name from the last name of Lucifer Halliburton, prince of darkness.

* Halliburton the corporation was founded right after Adam and Eve were expelled from paradise and soon got a sole-source contract for building their house.

* The cross Christ was crucified on - all Halliburton. They had sole-source on that for the Romans.

* During the Dark Ages, Halliburton labored long and hard to find a way to pollute the world using the technology available, but ended up on just causing the crusades since they had the sole-source on chain mail and the pope was a former CEO of theirs.

* While Andrew Jackson was president, Halliburton was able to get a contract to randomly destroy forest and kill woodland creatures for no particular reason.

* In the 80's, Halliburton researched how to turn puppies into nuclear waste that they could then put in the water of school children.

* After Cheney became CEO, Halliburton made money by bulldozing orphanages in third world countries to make chemical weapons plants to use on kittens.

* Some are confused exactly what business Halliburton does. Its main products are pollution, hatred, death, and lawn furniture.

* Remember when you didn't get that toy you wanted for Christmas? It was because of Halliburton!

* In Iraq, Halliburton has a couple people instructed to bang a hammer against pieces of wood to pretend they're constructing something while the rest of the employees work on stealing all that sweet, sweet oil.

* Halliburton saves money on labor by using slave labor. They save money on slave drivers by just giving whips to angry gorillas.

* Know who canceled the original Star Trek? Halliburton!

* Halliburton contractors in Iraq have been instructed to strap Iraqi children to themselves to protect themselves from bullets.

* Halliburton holds the patents on strife, suffering, genocide, and pure evil.

* Despite seemingly cutting contact with Halliburton and its profits, Cheney gets a dollar from Halliburton each time an innocent civilian in Iraq is killed.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Halliburton, Aquaman would be bribed with a cushy job to not tell the press how Halliburton is dumping waste in the ocean (hey, the ocean is two thirds of the earth; where else are you supposed to dump waste?).

* In the movie Planet of the Apes, know who blew up the Statue of Liberty? Halliburton!

* Reliable polemic, government-controlled newspapers in the Middle East say that not only is Halliburton part of the Great Satan, it's also run by jooooos!

* Halliburton has gotten its pollution so efficient, it soon should be able to produce pure pollution without any commercial byproduct.

* Halliburton has done business with America's sworn enemies such as Libya, Iran, and France.

* It's in the Halliburton mission statement to put evil and the customer before profit.

[merc406]

FUN FACTS ABOUT HALLIBURTON

* Halliburton gets its name from the last name of Lucifer Halliburton, prince of darkness.

* Halliburton the corporation was founded right after Adam and Eve were expelled from paradise and soon got a sole-source contract for building their house.

* The cross Christ was crucified on - all Halliburton. They had sole-source on that for the Romans.

* During the Dark Ages, Halliburton labored long and hard to find a way to pollute the world using the technology available, but ended up on just causing the crusades since they had the sole-source on chain mail and the pope was a former CEO of theirs.

* While Andrew Jackson was president, Halliburton was able to get a contract to randomly destroy forest and kill woodland creatures for no particular reason.

* In the 80's, Halliburton researched how to turn puppies into nuclear waste that they could then put in the water of school children.

* After Cheney became CEO, Halliburton made money by bulldozing orphanages in third world countries to make chemical weapons plants to use on kittens.

* Some are confused exactly what business Halliburton does. Its main products are pollution, hatred, death, and lawn furniture.

* Remember when you didn't get that toy you wanted for Christmas? It was because of Halliburton!

* In Iraq, Halliburton has a couple people instructed to bang a hammer against pieces of wood to pretend they're constructing something while the rest of the employees work on stealing all that sweet, sweet oil.

* Halliburton saves money on labor by using slave labor. They save money on slave drivers by just giving whips to angry gorillas.

* Know who canceled the original Star Trek? Halliburton!

* Halliburton contractors in Iraq have been instructed to strap Iraqi children to themselves to protect themselves from bullets.

* Halliburton holds the patents on strife, suffering, genocide, and pure evil.

* Despite seemingly cutting contact with Halliburton and its profits, Cheney gets a dollar from Halliburton each time an innocent civilian in Iraq is killed.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Halliburton, Aquaman would be bribed with a cushy job to not tell the press how Halliburton is dumping waste in the ocean (hey, the ocean is two thirds of the earth; where else are you supposed to dump waste?).

* In the movie Planet of the Apes, know who blew up the Statue of Liberty? Halliburton!

* Reliable polemic, government-controlled newspapers in the Middle East say that not only is Halliburton part of the Great Satan, it's also run by jooooos!

* Halliburton has gotten its pollution so efficient, it soon should be able to produce pure pollution without any commercial byproduct.

* Halliburton has done business with America's sworn enemies such as Libya, Iran, and France.

* It's in the Halliburton mission statement to put evil and the customer before profit.






CBC's "Fifth Estate" did Halliburton last night, even if 1/2 of the report was true :mad2: :mad2: ........they are a sad company and need :help:

[Dr Caleb]

Puppy to a good home:


A friend of mine is looking for a good home for a puppy he recently acquired. This dog has had a troubled past, but with the right care and rehabilitation, he will most likely become a good and faithful friend. Please see the attached picture of this cute little guy.

[Patrick]

[QUOTE=dwasson]FUN FACTS ABOUT HALLIBURTON

* Halliburton gets its name from the last name of Lucifer Halliburton, prince of darkness.

* Halliburton the corporation was founded right after Adam and Eve were expelled from paradise and soon got a sole-source contract for building their house.

* The cross Christ was crucified on - all Halliburton. They had sole-source on that for the Romans.

* During the Dark Ages, Halliburton labored long and hard to find a way to pollute the world using the technology available, but ended up on just causing the crusades since they had the sole-source on chain mail and the pope was a former


:confused: :confused: :confused:

[Patrick]

Puppy to a good home:


A friend of mine is looking for a good home for a puppy he recently acquired. This dog has had a troubled past, but with the right care and rehabilitation, he will most likely become a good and faithful friend. Please see the attached picture of this cute little guy.

I am in rehab, and I thought I was having a rough time!!!!!!!!!
:eek: :eek: :lol:

[martyo]

Puppy to a good home:


A friend of mine is looking for a good home for a puppy he recently acquired. This dog has had a troubled past, but with the right care and rehabilitation, he will most likely become a good and faithful friend. Please see the attached picture of this cute little guy.


Now that just isn't right.......


http://mercurymarauder.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=42 53

[Patrick]

Labour Pains
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[Patrick]

Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night

[BruteForce]

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

[schuvwj]

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up
too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our
values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate
too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've
been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've
done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We
write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and
your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and
an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep
inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish
the moment for someday that person will not be there
again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.

Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you
pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever.

Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....who cares?

George Carlin

[duhtroll]

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name!"

[Krytin]

An old lady was pulled over for speeding on Halloween night. The officer asks to see the woman's license.
"Oh, I don't have one," she replied, "I lost it four years ago for drunk driving."
The officer asked to see her registration.
"This isn't my car," she retorts, "I stole it after I killed the owner. The dismembered body is in the trunk. I can show you, if you'd like to see."
The officer was very shaken up and immediately called for backup. Within five minutes, police cars had surrounded the old womans car.
The lieutenant cautiously approched the woman. "Ma'am, the officer told me you have a body in the trunk...could you open the trunk please?"
The woman opened the trunk, revealing only a spare tire.
"Is this your car ma'am?"
"Why, yes," the woman replied handing him her license and registration.
The lieutenant, now glaring at the officer, handed the papers back to the woman. "Thank you, ma'am. My officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
The old woman replied, "I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!"

[Joe Walsh]

On the way home from work a Fire Chief sees a young boy sitting in a little red fire engine being pulled down the sidewalk by a Dalmatian.
The Chief thinks that this is just the cutest thing and pulls over to take a picture.
When he comes up to the boy he notices that the rope the boy is holding is tied to the poor dog's testicles!!
The Chief asks the boy; "Wouldn't it be better to tie your rope to the dog's collar?...that way your dog could pull you faster!"
The boy paused, thought about it, then replied; "No, because then I wouldn't have a SIREN!

[Marc]

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and
doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry" The
Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not
President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked
away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very
same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you
tomorrow, Sir.

[Patrick]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[teamrope]

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked hem to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are 6-years-old, because the last one is quite amazing.

1. Better to be safe than......punch a 5th grader.

2. Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.

3. It's always darkest before.........Daylight Saving Time.

4. A miss is as good as a...................Mr.

5. If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.

6. Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.

7. If at first you don't succeed......get new batteries.

8. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

9. When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.

10. An idle mind is...........the best way to relax.

11. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.

12. Happy the bride who.........gets all the presents.

13. A penny saved is........................not much.

14. Two's company, three's.................the Musketeers.

15. There are none so blind as.........Stevie Wonder.

And the favorite: 16. Better late than.......................... .pregnant

[Marc]

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.

Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

And why are French streets tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army. How many gears does a French tank have? Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French humor. "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq," Miller says. "The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."

[MERCMAN]

Why We Love Children
1) A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2) A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3) An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4) One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5) It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bit_h to iron."

6) When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

7) A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bit-h is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bit-h is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bit-h is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8) One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy sh-t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9) A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10) A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11) A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."

[duhtroll]

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.



Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen

[Patrick]

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.



Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen


:bows: :bows: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Patrick]

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''

The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''

[martyo]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it
to the
veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears, cleaned
both ears and the
dog could hear fine. The vet tells the lady if she wants to keep
this from
reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub in
the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair." At the
register the
druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms
don't use
deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave
for a couple
of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you
must know I'm
using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[martyo]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his
morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said,
"well I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level
high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he
was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like
some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard."

He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this
Italian
bread but ME?

[Bigdogjim]

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
:P :P :P

[Patrick]

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
:P :P :P


:eek: :high5: :high5: :high5:

[duhtroll]

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.

Then she followed the instructions to the letter:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.

She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.
The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.
It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[duhtroll]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[David Morton]

Frustrated with twenty years of struggling with the pinchpenny deacons commitee over his salary, the pastor stunned the congregation with his final farewell after the services.

"My heart is heavy today for this was my last sermon here. With my oldest going to college soon I can't possibly stay for the salary I get here so I have accepted another offer from a church in Atlanta."

Two seconds pass and the local car dealer stood up...

"Don't go! I'll donate cars for your wife and for your kids to drive!"

Then the banker...

"I think I can find a way to get 0% financing for your kids' college tuition!"

Then Velma Johnson, the best built head deacons wife since Bathsheba...

"I'll have sex with you! I just asked Henry what could I do to stop you and he said, '***** 'em!'." :D

[duhtroll]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You :censor:, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

[King Fubar]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Haggis]

How To Shower Like a Woman.

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the
way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with
grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in
shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener
at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging
out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Paul T. Casey]

Gordon, you been peeking in my windows again?

[Bluerauder]

[U]...snip....Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
I thought it was "Woo Hoo" .... darn I been doing this wrong for years. :rofl:

[Haggis]

I thought it was "Woo Hoo" .... darn I been doing this wrong for years. :rofl:

No Charlie WooHoo is for when you win the Supercharger. WooWoo is for shaking your wiener.

[Haggis]

Gordon, you been peeking in my windows again?

You have windows in the Outhouse? :confused:

[Paul T. Casey]

Doesn't everyone?

[Bluerauder]

No Charlie WooHoo is for when you win the Supercharger. WooWoo is for shaking your wiener.
WooHoo = Supercharger
WooWoo = Weiner Shake

Now I remember what I was doing wrong at Mason-Dixon !!! :rofl:

[Patrick]

No Charlie WooHoo is for when you win the Supercharger. WooWoo is for shaking your wiener.

Thanks for clearing that up!!!!

[SergntMac]

http://www.elfdecoder.com/static_pages/snowball_fight.html

[jgc61sr2002]

http://www.elfdecoder.com/static_pages/snowball_fight.html



Very coool. :D Thanks Mac

[Patrick]

der Slam Type: Stories
[CLICK TO E-MAIL] Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

[Patrick]

http://www.elfdecoder.com/static_pages/snowball_fight.html


:2thumbs: :2thumbs:

[Patrick]

: Stories
[CLICK TO E-MAIL] An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Patrick]

Presently viewing... I knew it was true...I knew it!
Audience: General Humor Rating: [1] [1] [1] [1] Category: Body parts Type: Stories
[CLICK TO E-MAIL] Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier."

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!



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[Haggis]

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.


Shoot....and I'm a Butt man. :bunny2:

Just like me to be butta$$ backwards.



Patrick does that fall under the WooHoo or WooWoo category?

[Bluerauder]

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

Not at my house it won't. :rofl:

[Patrick]

Shoot....and I'm a Butt man. :bunny2:

Just like me to be butta$$ backwards.



Patrick does that fall under the WooHoo or WooWoo category?

I need to re read that part again.
:dunno: :woohoo: sounds right!

[Patrick]

Not at my house it won't. :rofl: Single....... best save that one!!!

[duhtroll]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...


...so I told her to :censor: off.

-A

[Patrick]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...


...so I told her to :censor: off.

-A


I need that today!!!!
:laugh:

[SergntMac]

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to how big is my behind.
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.


MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen.

[Patrick]

Presently viewing... Rules Guys Wish Women Knew!
Audience: General Humor Rating: [1] [1] [1] [1] [1] Category: Gender Slam Type: Lists/Top10
[CLICK TO E-MAIL] 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

[duhtroll]

Great list.

47. We know how to drive. We learned long ago. If you try to correct us, all we hear is "lalalalalalalalalalalalala" anyway.

48. We are not sure you know how to drive, so if you are driving we will make suggestions for improvement along the way.

49. Scratching/otherwise damaging the car is to be treated as if a loved one had just been admitted to the hospital.

50. Yes, it does need to be washed and waxed every weekend.

51. We don't give a crap (literally) about which way the TP hangs.

52. We don't care if it is even hanging at all. We don't replace the roll on the holder. You're lucky if we get the new roll within arm's reach of the commode.



Oh, and in reference to the toilet seat thing. Any woman that complained to me about leaving the toilet seat up only ever did so once. After the first complaint I just left it down all the time.

-A

[Patrick]

Oh, and in reference to the toilet seat thing. Any woman that complained to me about leaving the toilet seat up only ever did so once. After the first complaint I just left it down all the time.

-A
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Maybe we can find more to add to this list!

[Patrick]

op10
[CLICK TO E-MAIL] Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

[SergntMac]

Only in America...

Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Do drive-up ATM machines have Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don't they make the whole airplane out of that stuff they use for that that indestructible black box?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Patrick]

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[King Fubar]

Well, the year is coming to an end soon, Want to thank all of you who
have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over
the past year. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed,
and wealthy.


Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr
Pepper, since the people who make these products refuse to put "Under
God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I
will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap
in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin
return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no
longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer
eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me
gay.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex
because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub
full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once
I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive
cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer
worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and
St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to you, I have
learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven
of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE did
not mention it works that way!)


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Yes, I want to thank all of you so much for looking out for me!


I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will crap on your head. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband.

Keep looking up and Happy New Year!

[Haggis]

Well, the year is coming to an end soon, Want to thank all of you who
have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over
the past year. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed,
and wealthy.
...


Man do a friend a favor and all he does is whine....fine your off my list. I hope that makes you feel better now that I will now become unemployed and will not be able to by food to feed my kids. Nor will I be able to pay my bills and provide for my family. We will now loose the house, the car, the dog and cats. Little Jim will be in jail for selling dope on the streets and little Amie will become a prostitute and all because you had to be taken off my e-mail list.

Well I hope your happy!! :mad2: :censor:

Happy frinkin New Year to you too. ;)

[Patrick]

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will crap on your head. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband.
[/font][/color]
[/left]

Well that already happened, So I guess I am off the hook??

[Mrsteamrope]

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared...

The wine and the rumballs, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to battle the dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter dressed like a man!"
So...away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore... But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot
Happy New Years to All and to All a Good Diet

[Bluerauder]

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house ...
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore... But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot
Happy New Years to All and to All a Good Diet
Seems this one was posted a couple days too early. Still some holiday parties left to attend. :D

[Patrick]

> > Subject: Polish sausage
> >
> >
> A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some
> "Polish Sausage".
> >
> The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
> >
>The guy,clearly offended,says"Well, yes I am. But let
>me ask you something.
> >
>If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me
>if I was Italian ?
> >
>Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask
>me if I was German ?
> >
>Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you
>ask me if I was Jewish?
> >
>Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I
>was Mexican ?
> >
>Would ya, huh ? Would Ya"
> >
>The clerk says, "Well no"
> >
>"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would
>you ask me if I was Irish?
> >
>What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I
>was Canadian?"
> >
>"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
> >
>With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right
>then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish
>Sausage?"
> >
>The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
> >

[MarauderMark]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[MarauderMark]

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

[MarauderMark]

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

2. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

3. Is there another word for synonym?

4. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

5. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

6. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

7. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

8. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

9. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

10. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

11. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

[King Fubar]

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

2. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

3. Is there another word for synonym?

4. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

5. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

6. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

7. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

8. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

9. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

10. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

11. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

12. If a barstool salesman tries to sell his merchandise does he need a stool sample??

[Patrick]

12. If a barstool salesman tries to sell his merchandise does he need a stool sample??

That bad!!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[MarauderMark]

13. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"