Joke of the day [Archive] - Page 3 - MercuryMarauder.net Forums

MarauderMark

12-29-2004, 11:59 PM

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Patrick

12-31-2004, 05:22 PM

ists/Top10
[CLICK TO E-MAIL] A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason.
Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you're not ready for them.
b. When you're ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.

dwasson

01-04-2005, 12:46 PM

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an
invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug....."

CBT

01-04-2005, 03:22 PM

Whats the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snowballs.

Patrick

01-04-2005, 08:32 PM

Whats the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snowballs.

:fishslap: :fishslap: :lol: :lol: :lol:

King Fubar

01-07-2005, 05:43 AM

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Patrick

01-09-2005, 08:18 AM

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

BruteForce

01-09-2005, 09:18 AM

There are three men who every weekend go fishing. They've been doing it since they were kids -- same fishing hole. One weekend one of them decides to go off and get married, so the other two go fishing.

A little while later the third one comes walking down the path with his fishing pole. His buddy looks up and says, "I thought you got married today?"

He replies, "Yup I did."

"Well how come you're not home consummating your marriage?"

"Can't do it,," he says, "she's got gonorrhea."

"Well why don't you bend her over and come in from behind?"

"Nope she's got diarrhea."

"Well," he says, "what about oral sex?"

"Can't do it! She's got pyorrhea."

His other buddy says, "Why did you marry this girl anyway?"

"Well," he says, "she's got worms too and you know how I like to go fishing!"
:fishing:

Patrick

01-09-2005, 09:22 AM

SergntMac

01-09-2005, 10:17 AM

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ***** O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did, Sean" said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
****************************** ***********************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
****************************** *******************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, Lordy no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me!" "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my sweet Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
****************************** ***********************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun"
****************************** ***********************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

Two Hawks

01-09-2005, 12:49 PM

Glad I read this before I got one of those dang ol tasers. :D
--------------------------
Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood

target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.

But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ************** DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles?

:rofl:

Two Hawks

01-09-2005, 01:17 PM

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry."

:rofl:

jefferson-mo

01-10-2005, 01:55 PM

Beer nuts $4.99

Deer nuts........under a buck

SergntMac

01-10-2005, 04:08 PM

The Silent Treatment...

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other "the silent treatment," when the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left the note where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Brutus

01-10-2005, 04:28 PM

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beer*****," he said.

SergntMac

01-14-2005, 01:48 PM

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make her truly happy." The Lord replied...

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Patrick

01-15-2005, 01:17 PM

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

SergntMac

01-15-2005, 02:36 PM

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says.

"I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But... but...That's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut
juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How
about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip
into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to
a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!

"You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch a Bears game
from here?"

duhtroll

01-15-2005, 03:27 PM

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?''

The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde.

My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde.

And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''

SergntMac

01-18-2005, 04:15 PM

17. "I finished the Oreos"

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"

12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,that's gotta hurt!"

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trig..."

jefferson-mo

01-18-2005, 04:19 PM

Paul T. Casey

01-20-2005, 09:11 AM

Well Sarge, there's several days on a monthly basis when you should say most of those either!

Paul T. Casey

01-20-2005, 09:14 AM

A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry. He decides
to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in
a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest breasts..

Men are like that, you know.
This joke was courtesy of Mrs. Casey.

Drives03Maraude

01-20-2005, 09:17 AM

Dark_Knight7096

01-20-2005, 10:02 AM

Three turtles went camping, and when they finally got to their campsite they unpacked their stuff. When they looked in the cooler they realized they forgot all the drinks. The first turtle looked at the other two and said "Someone has to go back and get the drinks." The third turtle said "I'm not gonna go, by the time I get back you two will have eaten all the sandwiches." The other two turtles swore they won't touch any of the sandwiches till the third gets back. Finally, the third turtle agrees to go get the drinks. The other two turtles wait for days and days. Finally, on the ninth day, the two turtles that stayed behind can't take it anymore and begin eating the sandwiches. The third turtle runs out from behind a rock and screams, "I knew it, i'm not ******ing going!!"

shakes_26

01-20-2005, 10:31 AM

rotflmao! :rofl:

Three turtles went camping, and when they finally got to their campsite they unpacked their stuff. When they looked in the cooler they realized they forgot all the drinks. The first turtle looked at the other two and said "Someone has to go back and get the drinks." The third turtle said "I'm not gonna go, by the time I get back you two will have eaten all the sandwiches." The other two turtles swore they won't touch any of the sandwiches till the third gets back. Finally, the third turtle agrees to go get the drinks. The other two turtles wait for days and days. Finally, on the ninth day, the two turtles that stayed behind can't take it anymore and begin eating the sandwiches. The third turtle runs out from behind a rock and screams, "I knew it, i'm not ******ing going!!"

warren714

01-20-2005, 12:15 PM

A preacher was trying out to be new the minister at a chruch. The first week he gave a sermon that lasted 15 minutes. The selection committee met and decided they needed to hear more. The next week he came back and his sermon lasted 30 minutes. The committee met again and decided they liked what they heard, and asked him to preach one more sermon and they would offer him the ministry. On the third visit, his sermon lasted 2 1/2 hours.

The selection committee was worried and called an emergency meeting to tell the minister they had changed their mind. At the meeting the minister asked to explain why he gave a different length sermon each time. "The first time", he explained, "I had just had all of my teeth pulled and was in some pain. The next week, I had my new dentures, and preached as I always do. But today, I realized I accidentally put my wife's dentures in by mistake."

Warren

Patrick

01-20-2005, 12:25 PM

Dark_Knight7096

01-20-2005, 01:16 PM

I figured i would share this. It was originally said by comedian Bobcat Goldthwait in reference to his 16 year old daughter.
"You ever seen the commercials on TV for that razor that has shaving cream in it? How lazy do you have to be that you can't put shaving cream on your own face? It's like, 'Wow, it takes too much time to put shaving cream on in the morning. I wish there was a faster way!' The funny thing is the shaving cream doesn't come out like normal shaving cream it's just like, (makes flatulant sound), oozes out you know. I was watching TV with my daughter the other day and this commercial came on and she saw it and said, 'Woah, that looks like c*m!' I was just sitting there and I was like 'Oh god.' I mean BEST case scenerio, she saw a porno. So like I was saying, I was sitting there trying to come up with the proper parental response for the situation and all that came out was, 'haha, good one.'"
Now that i look at it, it's not as funny in text form as it was when he said it, but, i have that CD and every time it gets to that part i start dying cause i could actually imagine that happening and the million and a half things going through your mind as you search for something to say.

Dark_Knight7096

01-22-2005, 04:50 PM

True story, last night i was having a dream i drank the biggest margarita on the planet, this morning i woke up hanging over the toilet bowl and the seat was covered in salt.

duhtroll

01-22-2005, 08:52 PM

Good thing you didn't eat the worm in there.

--Larry the Cable Guy

Two Hawks

01-22-2005, 09:18 PM

True story, last night i was having a dream i drank the biggest margarita on the planet, this morning i woke up hanging over the toilet bowl and the seat was covered in salt.You see what I mean about tequila, you’re a very bright young man Martin, but youuu need to lay off the sauce.

--Agent K - MIB

Dark_Knight7096

01-22-2005, 09:31 PM

Best line in that movie is by will smith, "This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-poo(not actual line)-o-meter" after he just got done shooting down a UFO, watching his partner getting eaten by a giant alien cockroach, having a fist fight with said roach, then watching his friend blow it up. Great line.

Oh and BTW thank you so much cause i really couldn't remember where i had heard that from and it was really buggin me. Blue collar comedy is funny.

Dark_Knight7096

01-23-2005, 03:36 PM

Ok, this guy goes out one day lookin for his friend. He remembers hearing his friend was thinking of getting a haircut that day so he stops by the local barber shop. He pokes his head in and says, "Hey, Bob Peters here?" The barber looks at him and replies, "Nope sorry, we just cut hair."

Bluerauder

01-25-2005, 11:55 AM

Thought this radio call was pretty funny :rofl:

Clicky Here for Dead Hamster Audio (http://www.blueshado.com/deadhamster.shtml)

Patrick

01-25-2005, 12:00 PM

Thought this radio call was pretty funny :rofl:

Clicky Here for Dead Hamster Audio (http://www.blueshado.com/deadhamster.shtml)
Priceless!!!!!!!!

Krytin

01-25-2005, 06:08 PM

Thought this radio call was pretty funny :rofl:

Clicky Here for Dead Hamster Audio (http://www.blueshado.com/deadhamster.shtml)
Now THAT was funny!!
"I guess your hamster lived"

duhtroll

01-27-2005, 04:41 PM

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Ain't THAT how society works!

-A

Dark_Knight7096

01-28-2005, 04:41 PM

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"

Dark_Knight7096

01-28-2005, 05:34 PM

sorry for posting two next to each other but i wanted to put this somewhere before i forgot where i saw it:

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

duhtroll

01-30-2005, 03:28 PM

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

MARAUDERCHICK

01-30-2005, 08:15 PM

Monday Morning Call in Sick

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
home because she's not feeling well.

"What's the matter?", he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What in the heck is anal glaucoma?"

"Well, I just can't see my a$$ coming to work today."

Marc

01-31-2005, 05:59 AM

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

Marc

01-31-2005, 11:59 AM

Government Job

A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service"?

"Yes" he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"?

The guy says, "Yes ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that."

MarillaMarauder

02-01-2005, 05:17 PM

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a residential fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

The other septic truck had "A Royal Flush Beats a Full House" on it.

MarillaMarauder

02-01-2005, 05:39 PM

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

ELEPHINO

MarillaMarauder

02-01-2005, 06:01 PM

It's late at night, the streets are quiet, so this old guy decides to go for a ride on his moped.
While enjoying a pleasant evening ride, a guy in a Marauder pulls beside him at a stoplight and teasing the old guy says, "Hey old man, wanna race?"
"Ah, Sonny, git outta here an leave me be."
"Just messin with ya old man, take it easy", said Marauder guy and then peels out and leaves the old guy in the dust.
He gets to the next stop sign and ZOOM this old guy goes flying past him!
Holy S***! Marauder man takes off after him and flys by him!
The next stop light and then ZOOM the old guy flys past him again!
Marauder man stomps on it and flys past the old man again.
At the next stop sign Marauder man gets the old guy to stop next to him, so he rolls down his window and says, "Hey old man, you were really flyin! What do you got in that thing?"
The old man straightens out his helmet, adjusts his glasses and says "Jeez Sonny, just let me get my suspender off yer bumper!"

Marauderman

02-01-2005, 06:18 PM

BruteForce

02-01-2005, 10:02 PM

"Jeez Sonny, just let me get my suspender off yer bumper!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :rock:

Two Hawks

02-01-2005, 10:14 PM

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blond walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me. "Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card! You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!"

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 62 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!

teamrope

02-01-2005, 10:38 PM

A cowboy walks into a bar. He realizes once he's inside that its a gay bar. He thinks to himself, well, I only came in for a beer. He askes the bartender for a beer and the bartender replies, before I can serve you a beer, you have to tell me your winkie's name.
The cowboy says What!
The bartender replies You have to tell me your winkie's name. For instance, mine is called "Snikers", it always satisfies.
The guy next to him says "Mine is called "Nike". Just do it.
Well, the cowboy he steps back from the bar and thinks to himself for a while.
15 Min later the cowboy steps up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender asks him what his winkie is called and he replies "Secret". Strong enough for a man but made for a woman.

Patrick

02-02-2005, 12:47 PM

MERCMAN

02-02-2005, 01:06 PM

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the
finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members
knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people
ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass
or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when
the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five
guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...opening day of deer season is
recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the
choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a
congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last
names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high
notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people
think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the
baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the
choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the
logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the
collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...instead of a bell, you are
called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the
minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the
communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou
shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the
final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear".
...

King Fubar

02-04-2005, 02:15 PM

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

Paul T. Casey

02-07-2005, 04:29 PM

Smart Man - Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces

himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of a

aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a

single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and

pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,

Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,

cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom

mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the

stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the

morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,

"Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke

some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran

into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and

breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she

tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm

married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right

time.........Priceless.

Krytin

02-07-2005, 04:31 PM

Now THAT was ... well.... PRICELESS!

duhtroll

02-07-2005, 07:28 PM

A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Patrick

02-08-2005, 09:48 PM

PhastPhil

02-09-2005, 12:20 AM

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.

It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment.

He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Haggis

02-09-2005, 09:30 AM

George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket.

"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.

"Watch and learn," answers Hilary.

They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.

"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.

"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.

When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

... And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election ???

the_pack_rat

02-12-2005, 09:09 AM

Redneck Sexual IQ Test

A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False

Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True
or False

A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False

Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

********** is used to catch large fish. True or False

Fetus is a character on Gun smoke. True or False

An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or
False

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False

An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

Pornography is the business of making records. True or False

Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False

the_pack_rat

02-12-2005, 09:13 AM

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy **** ! A talking pig!'".

=================

An old couple is watching TV when an evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick. The evangelist says, "Pray with me, placing your right hand in the air and your left hand on the afflicted area."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch.

His wife says, "Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead."

===============

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet.".

==================

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in
very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.

================

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman, Father."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

================

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Barton asked if there was anything wrong. Yes, Nurse Barton," said Mr. Goldstein, "My ***** died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his ***** hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Barton. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your ***** back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my ***** died.

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Barton.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

the_pack_rat

02-14-2005, 01:24 PM

>>> The parrot
>>>
>>> A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped
>>> into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes around
>>> and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring
>>> me a whiskey, b***h." The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a
>>> whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man
>>> points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and
>>> yells, "Get me another whiskey, b***h." Quite upset, the stewardess
>>> returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for
>>> the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the
>>> parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, b***h, now go and
>>> get it for me." In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab
>>> both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss
>>> them both out of the airplane.
>>> As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and
>>> says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of a mouthy
>>> b*****d.".

grzellmer

02-15-2005, 01:28 PM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

gray bear

02-17-2005, 08:46 PM

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep.

All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl
standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he
asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are
in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too
young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back
immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a
hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running
around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely
feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna
blow........then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have
you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop'
and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the
ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're ****ting all over the bed!"

gray bear

02-17-2005, 08:52 PM

Little Suzie asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
Mom says, "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

Little Suzie goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Trixie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go now but keep Trixie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Little Suzie left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad said, "Where's Trixie?"
Little Suzie said, "Trixie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

gray bear

02-17-2005, 09:01 PM

Oley Olsen is a farmer in Montana. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota.
He drives to NOR DAKOTA , looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

Oley is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Oley decides to buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,"Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Oley and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nor Dakota, yah?"
Oley is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nor Dakota".

Two Hawks

02-17-2005, 09:10 PM

Dear Fred,

My wife and I have divorced and in the divorce settlement she was awarded the double wide mobile home and the pickup truck.

As per my copy of the court order, I delivered the truck before 2 PM, yesterday!

So, how's your day going?

See you,

Sidney

Krytin

02-18-2005, 07:48 AM

BruteForce

02-18-2005, 11:20 AM

A middle aged woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends
$5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old
do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk the burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30".

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I
can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of
her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this,
she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"No, of course not", she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

Bluerauder

02-18-2005, 12:34 PM

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.
ROTFLMOA :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :D

King Fubar

02-18-2005, 06:25 PM

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Dark_Knight7096

02-19-2005, 02:50 PM

Not so much a joke. In class on thursday my professor just stopped teaching in the middle of class to tell this story:
"So one time i went to a wine shop to buy a bottle of wine because i was invited to a dinner party, so i'm standing in line at this liquor store when the girl behind the counter, you see the girl was in one of my classes so she knew me, says, "Professor Vardiman, how are you doing today?" and i'm just getting ready to answer her when i hear the guy behind me say, "oh a professor huh?", this guy had 2 jugs of wine in his hand and i'm guessin about that much in his stomach, and I hate when people say, "oh a professor", because that means they are getting ready to ask me a question i can't answer. There was this one time i was walking into the building downstairs and some guy comes running up to me and says, "Are you a professor??? You have to help me, quick what's the altitude of the Celestial North Pole?" I said, "son i have no idea, i'm a psychology professor" and he looked at me and said, "you're a professor, you're supposed to know these things", so i looked at him and said, "sea level". The kid ran back to his room and i didn't see him after that, so i got to thinkin, what is the altitude, so i went upstair and asked one of the geography professors what the altitude of the north pole was and the north pole is over water, but there's a lotta ice and stuff like that and the ice is 80 feet thick, so the altitude is about 80 feet, but anyway i'm in line at this liquor store and the guy says, "oh a professor", i turned around and said, "why yes sir, I am a professor", and he said, "i got a question for you PROFESSOR, where, i say where, are all the dead birds??? Every year my wife makes me put out birdseed and every year we have hundreds of birds fly away, but in the spring only about 10 come back, then the same thing, they all have little babies and hundreds of birds fly away, but only 10 or so come back. So where are the dead birds, Mr. College Professor?"

The fact that we are all just sitting in class and this story just pops out of his mouth was hilarous, not to mention that, this guy sounds EXACTLY like Foghorn Leghorn so it was great. Maybe you had to be there.

Bluerauder

02-22-2005, 01:15 PM

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his frie! nds, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.

Haggis

02-23-2005, 10:32 AM

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.

So true...so true. :laugh:

Bluerauder

02-23-2005, 12:41 PM

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." :D

Festus

02-24-2005, 05:30 AM

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, idiot. What did you think I said?"

Bluerauder

02-24-2005, 06:25 AM

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, idiot. What did you think I said?"
That's exactly what I thought he said !!! :D "Sic Semper Tyrannis" :up:

King Fubar

02-26-2005, 08:16 PM

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

gray bear

02-28-2005, 08:40 PM

A researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with a small boy running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough Ponds. When she said she didn't, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline, and she certainly must know of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was, "Yes."

He then asked how she used it, she said, "To assist during sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product, and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most of them use it for sex. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep Little Johnny out."

duhtroll

02-28-2005, 09:07 PM

Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.

He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine.

"Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available."

"Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."

"Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

the_pack_rat

02-28-2005, 10:55 PM

CHINESE SICK LEAVE --- "I NOT COME WORK TODAY".

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You try that".

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house".

BruteForce

02-28-2005, 10:59 PM

You got nice house".

:lol: :lol: :up: :up:

Krytin

03-01-2005, 06:19 PM

You got nice house". That's priceless! I can't wait to tell my boss on the plane tomorrow (I think it's harder to get fired in mid flight)!

duhtroll

03-02-2005, 05:30 PM

Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!

the_pack_rat

03-02-2005, 07:02 PM

>
>Subject: advertising
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency
> > called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of
> > a particularly stressful week. When everyone
> > gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of
> > having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of
> > the meeting was to have a quick contest.
> >
> > The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only
> > rule was that they had to use past ad slogans,
> > originally written for other products that captured
> > the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were
> > acceptable.
> >
> > About seven minutes later, they turned in their
> > suggestions and created a Top Ten List.
> >
> > With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of
> > the week went very well for everyone.
> >
> > The top ten were:
> >
> > 0. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
> >
> > 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
> >
> > 8. Viagra, Like a rock!
> >
> > 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
> > there overnight.
> >
> > 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
> >
> > 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
> >
> > 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a
> > woman.
> >
> > 3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
> >
> > 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
> >
> > And the unanimous number one slogan:
> >
> > 1. This is your *****. This is your ***** on drugs.
> >

de minimus

03-02-2005, 08:29 PM

This guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "gimme a beer...anything but a Heineken".

The bartender responds, " What's a matter with Heineken? It's an excellent beer".

The guy: " Last night I drank a dozen and went home and blew chunks".

The bartender: " Hey buddy, you drink 12 beers of any kind and you're going to blow chunks".

The guy: "You don't understand........Chunks is my dog".
:puke:

Two Hawks

03-02-2005, 10:05 PM

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen.

Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration
by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the
generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were:
mycoxafailin
mydixadrupin
mydixarizin
mydixadud
dixafix
and of course, ibepokin.

de minimus

03-02-2005, 11:04 PM

An Englishman, an American and a Newfoundlander are sitting around one day shooting the s**t, when the Englishman boasts,
"My Pub is the best: After about 4 or 5 pints the barman will buy you the 6th".
The American, not to be outdone says,
" That's nothing. At my Tavern, the bartender will buy you every other drink and on your birthday every drink is free!".
The Newfie replied:
" Ha, there's a pub in my town where you go in and the drinks are free all night. Once you've had your fill you then go upstairs and you get laid - all for free!".
The American and Englishman look at each other skeptically. The American then says to the Newfie in a questioning tone,
" You've been in this pub then?"
The Newf responds,
"Well I haven't been in meself, but my sister has...."

Patrick

03-03-2005, 06:21 AM

This is cute! Watch what happens after you send it on!

<aoladp://MA10298811-0001/FwThisis.gif> NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

<aoladp://MA10298811-0002/file000.gif>

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney? <aoladp://MA10298811-0003/file001.gif>

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

<aoladp://MA10298811-0004/file002.gif>

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other

cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

<aoladp://MA10298811-0005/file003.gif>

2005Marauder

03-03-2005, 11:44 AM

From the Tbird site:
Woman walks into the kitchen and finds husband holding a fly swatter.
She asks, "Did you kill any flies?"

He repies, "Yes, 2 males and 1 female."

"How can you tell?" she asks.

"The males were on the beer cans and the female was on the phone."

Marc

03-03-2005, 12:23 PM

Bluerauder

03-03-2005, 12:34 PM

Wasn't that one just on this thread a couple of posts ago?
Yeah, post #567 on 23 February. :D Think those T-Bird guys are pilfering our stuff?? :dunno: :rofl:

duhtroll

03-03-2005, 12:52 PM

A large college class was gathered in an auditorium for their final exam of the semester.

It was announced by the instructor that they would have until the end of the hour to finish their essays.

As the hour neared, more and more students began to approach the front of the room and place their booklets on the table next to the professor's desk. There was a large pile of a few hundred or so at hour's end.

"Time," the prof. announced, and the last few students got up and placed their booklets on the pile. All except one, that is. He kept writing.

"Time," the prof. announced again, with no response. He decided to wait out this student and explain to him after he had done all this work that his final exam grade was now forfeit.

After an extra 20 minutes or so, the student closed his booklet and finally got up and came forward.

With a smirk, the professor asked, "you know I can't give you any credit for this exam -- you went over the time limit and I warned you. Twice."

Glaring at the professor, the student strode up to within inches of him and asked indignantly "Do you have any IDEA who I am?"

"No," the prof. replied. "Should I?"

The student proceeded to lift up approximately half of the 300 tests, placed his in the middle of the pile, then turned and walked away.

-A

duhtroll

03-03-2005, 12:55 PM

Final essay question for Philosophy 101 final:

"Write down what you think would be an appropriate question for a final philosophy essay, and answer it."

Final essay response given by one student:

"Write down what you think would be an appropriate question for a final philosophy essay, and answer it."

He received the only 'A' in the class.

-A

Haggis

03-03-2005, 12:55 PM

...Glaring at the professor, the student strode up to within inches of him and asked indignantly "Do you have any IDEA who I am?"

"No," the prof. replied. "Should I?"

The student proceeded to lift up approximately half of the 300 tests, placed his in the middle of the pile, then turned and walked away.

-A

Andrew, you shouldn't let your students get away with acts of disobedience like that. It will have a negitive influnce on their lives.

It was still funny though. :rofl:

Bobby Clobber

03-03-2005, 01:59 PM

This was an actual question on an exam I wrote

" If you can answer this question , you will recieve a first division " A " in this exam and for this course "

One person ( not me ) answered " Thank you " and got the "A". :confused:

Dark_Knight7096

03-03-2005, 04:03 PM

NO, here's a philosophy final for you:

I think i read this in an education journal or readers digest or something like that but in all fairness it could be made up:

"One of my collegues decided to make it hard on his out of control frosh philosophy class. He was tired of their cavalier attitude and their antics. He designed a final exam with only one question, he thought not a single person would get it right and he could prove to them the virtues of paying attention and respecting your faculty. To his surprise one student in the class did answer the question in what could be called correctly. The only question was, "Define Courage". A student walked up to his desk after 5 minutes and handed the blue book to him and left. All the rest of the students were upset and worried about this test, he couldn't beleive that someone could have finished so effortlessly so he opened the booklet right there in front of everyone because he had to know the answer. The student answered the question in one word. "Define Courage," to which the student replied, "This"

the_pack_rat

03-03-2005, 09:11 PM

duhtroll

03-04-2005, 05:31 PM

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse.

The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

Bluerauder

03-04-2005, 05:37 PM

The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
:rofl: :lol: :rofl: Now THAT is funny !!!! :D

King Fubar

03-05-2005, 12:14 PM

1:

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

2:

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

King Fubar

03-05-2005, 08:53 PM

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices a steering wheel stuck in the pirates crotch.

The bartender says "Hey that steering wheel between you legs must drive you crazy".

The pirate says "ARRRRR it's driving me nuts"

kartherma

03-07-2005, 01:22 AM

A man at work was told by his boss to screen 200 applications, narrow them down, and finally, to hire only one person for the vacant position.

Afer hours of screening the applications he had gotten down to 4 appications. Each of the 4 were identical in every way. He was perplexed as what do do. They were all perfect for the job. He thought for a while and figured he would call them all in and ask them the same question. How they answered it would determing who he hired.

To the 1st applicant he asked "what is the fastest thing in the world"?

He was told...
A thought! It just pops in your head and is there. You cant stop it, that is how fast a thought is!

Wow the man thought. That really is fast.

ok, now you he told the 2nd who promply told him that blinking your eyes is the fastest thing. He thought about it and said "hey that is really fast! so fast that they have a catch phrase...in the blink of an eye! good job!"

and so he asked the 3rd applicant. This one paused and reflected. After a moment he says "when I was growing up we would visit my grandfathers farm. We would go out on the back porch and turn on a light switch. Across the yard in the barn a light would come on. That is the fastest thing...the speed of light."

And the man was sure he found his applicant. What could possibly be faster than the speed of light?

The 4th was laughing. Everyone was confused. They all thought the best answer had been given so what could he be laughing at? so they asked him.

He says Diareha.
?
what do you mean they asked him.

He explains:
The other night I had diareha
Before I could think, blink or flick on the lights
I S**T my pants!!

He got the job.

MERCMAN

03-08-2005, 02:18 PM

DAMN!!! Should have had this for MVII

Rules to Enter Indiana

Applies to each person as they enter Indiana.

Learn & remember:

East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle, hog, chicken and turkey farms. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I 69 and I 65 runs North and South, I 40 and I 70 run east and west. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 6 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a herd of deer is coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & bluegill. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday and a good excuse to take off of work.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13.College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Indiana University and Purdue. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. Indiana is the crossroad of America. If you're from the east or west coast, you're more than welcome to stop and visit a while, but leave your liberal ideas at the state line. You will soon find out that Hoosiers are a hard working, God fearing people and we sure don't need advice on how to live our lives.

MERCMAN

03-09-2005, 10:36 AM

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

dwasson

03-09-2005, 11:11 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

GodOSpeed

03-09-2005, 11:43 AM

That was a good one Mercman! I had to print it out and hang it at the entry-way so when Ma comes over she'll read it and hopfully come tearing @ me with a shoe just for old times sake! :D

MERCMAN

03-11-2005, 12:28 PM

houghts on Life

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier
to live with...

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull***** before.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check
3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer
in rats.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's
easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be
paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make
you feel happy to be on your way.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from
where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.

teamrope

03-14-2005, 08:56 AM

THE PAPERS
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
! 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by peop! le trapped in line at the grocery store.

teamrope

03-14-2005, 08:56 AM

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my chromeplated
38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But Grandpa I really don't like guns so how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with
another man. What you gonna do then? Point to you watch and say 'TIME'S
UP'?"

teamrope

03-14-2005, 09:01 AM

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so we went to the movies!!!

Bluerauder

03-14-2005, 10:44 AM

THE PAPERS
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
Guilty ... as charged !!! :D

... point to your watch and say "TIME's UP" ??

:rofl: :lol: :rofl:

... so we went to the movies!!

I saw this one coming but am still ROTFLMSAO :D

dwasson

03-20-2005, 10:54 AM

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

jefferson-mo

03-20-2005, 05:17 PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THIS THREAD!!

Did anyone else notice this thread is 2 years old today?

Thanks to Sergant Mac for starting it:bows:

on with the show.......................... ...

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

duhtroll

03-23-2005, 04:16 PM

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window “Uh, yes, officer?”

“What are you doing?”

“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir “

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers’ lane. And nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”

“I’m 25, sir.”

“And her ... what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

teamrope

03-25-2005, 09:41 PM

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a Shrine Clown with a speciality as a magician and juggler, and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus, and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle t! hem. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Bluerauder

03-29-2005, 08:31 AM

THE RABBIT ~

A man is driving along a highway, and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets
out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
dead. The driver feels so awful, that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman, driving down the highway, sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray
can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them, and hops off down the
road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down
the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops
out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you
spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says ...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line .... )

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is) It says,

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair ~ adds permanent wave"

teamrope

04-01-2005, 07:10 AM

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving **** out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

Krytin

04-01-2005, 04:51 PM

duhtroll

04-01-2005, 09:06 PM

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

Paul T. Casey

04-02-2005, 10:24 AM

> A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a mudslide.
> The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
> 'round here are ya?
> "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
> The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya
> do in Pennsylvania?"
> "I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
> The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What
> in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
> "The man says,"I mount animals".
> The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
> bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

the_pack_rat

04-02-2005, 12:36 PM

After a long night of making love, a man notices a photo of another man
> on her cabinet by the bed. He begins to worry.
>
> "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
>
> "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
>
> "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
>
> "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
>
> "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.
>
> "No, no, no!!!" she answers.
>
> "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
>
> "That's me before the surgery."

the_pack_rat

04-02-2005, 12:38 PM

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for
being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has
to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but, I've got to help these fol! ks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something o ut."

The passenger was unimpressed.? He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU? HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice
heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate
14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "**** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have
to get in line for that too."

the_pack_rat

04-02-2005, 12:44 PM

> Two couples were playing poker one evening. John
> Accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under
> the
> table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any
> underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back
> up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John
> went to the Kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and
> asked, "Did
> you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness,
> John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
> She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you
> $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
> costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him
> that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't,
> John should be at her house around 2 p.m. on Friday.
> When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house
> at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to
> the bedroom and closed their transaction. John quickly dressed and
> left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
>
> house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
> afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop
> by
> for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when
> her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
> In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and
> After mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he
> did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised
> his
> wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this
> morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house
> this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
>

the_pack_rat

04-02-2005, 12:47 PM

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walked up the aisle. Both were wearing
dark glasses, one was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping his way
along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spread through the cabin, but the men entered the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in
the window seats realized they were headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport territory. As it began to look as though the plane would
plough into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relax
and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turn to the other and says, "You
know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
gonna die."

Sactown

04-05-2005, 06:00 AM

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" "I didn't feel a thing!"

Sactown

04-05-2005, 06:04 AM

- A redneck died and left his entire estate for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.

- Rednecks now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

- The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

- In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.

- How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

- Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.

- An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"

the_pack_rat

04-06-2005, 06:32 AM

>
>> >>>> The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a Synagogue. The
>> >>>> auditor
>> >>>> is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says,
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "Yes," answered the Rabbi.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up when
>> >>>> we have
>> >>>> enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and
>> >>>> then, they
>> >>>> send us a free box
>> >>>> of candles."
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
>> >>>> actually
>> >>>> had a practical answer.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious
>> >>>> way..."Rabbi, what
>> >>>> about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs
>> >>>> from the
>> >>>> matzo?"
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
>> >>>> crumbs, we
>> >>>> send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
>> >>>> they send
>> >>>> a box of matzo balls."
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
>> >>>> "Well,
>> >>>> Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
>> >>>> circumcisions?"
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do
>> >>>> is save up
>> >>>> all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them
>> >>>> to the
>> >>>> Internal Revenue Service".
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "Internal Revenue!," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the Internal Revenue. Service, and
>> >>>> about
>> >>>> once a year they send us a little prick like you".
>

the_pack_rat

04-06-2005, 06:34 AM

> >> A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
> >> squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She
> >> went back to find out what was going on.
> > He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
> > circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to
> > the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he
> > should do.....
> >> He returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back
of
> >> the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find him
sitting
> >> at his desk with his ***** hanging out.
> > "I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
> > "I did," he said, "And she told me if I could stick it out till noon,
> > she'd come and pick me up!"
> >>
> >
> >
>
>

the_pack_rat

04-06-2005, 06:35 AM

> A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
> seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible"
> "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
> "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
> "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
> now".
> "Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
> "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My
> hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
>
> "What about that eye patch?"
> "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and
> one of them shatt in my eye."
>
> "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
> some bird shatt."
>
> "It was my first day with the hook."

the_pack_rat

04-06-2005, 06:39 AM

Subject: get em grandma

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first
Witness to the stand. A grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones,

do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
People and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything
More than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

"She again replied, "Why yes, I do.

I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
bigoted,
and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with
anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state;
Not
to mention he cheated on his wife
With three different women and one of them was your wife. Yes, I know
Him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge told both counselors to
approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
bastards asks that b**** if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses
in
jail for contempt."

MERCMAN

04-06-2005, 08:38 AM

New Living Will

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case.

I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

Signature ______________________________ ______
Witness ______________________________ ______

duhtroll

04-09-2005, 06:24 PM

Two missionaries were traveling through the jungle in search of converts to their religion when they were set upon by a band of native warriors.

They were taken back to the village and put before the Chief.

The Chief, angry at the missionaries, gives them the choice of DEATH or BUNGA - BUNGA.

The younger missionary, not wanting to die, decides he will choose BUNGA - BUNGA.

He is taken to the center of the village and bent over a large barrel, after which all of the warriors take turns sodomizing him.

After the warriors were satisfied with him, he was let go.

Mean while the older missionary was brought before the Chief.

"DEATH or BUNGA - BUNGA" bellowed the Chief, "What will it be?"

After seeing what happened to his younger companion, he said, "You savages can screw yourselves. I will take DEATH!!!"

"Fine" says the Chief. "It will be DEATH . . .

by BUNGA - BUNGA!"

duhtroll

04-10-2005, 09:50 AM

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

teamrope

04-10-2005, 11:22 AM

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady went up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady went inside between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

SergntMac

04-12-2005, 09:45 AM

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question: "How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you." "Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. "He sent them also" the mother said. "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. "So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so dam grouchy around here."

MERCMAN

04-13-2005, 04:13 AM

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too; but on this particular morning Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell wasn't ringing at all. Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a ringin'. The pullets hearing the roosters coming would run for cover.
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and head for another one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the County Fair.
Brewster was a sensation. The judges not only awarded him The No Bell Piece Prize, but also The Pullet Surprise.

Bluerauder

04-13-2005, 06:55 AM

The judges not only awarded him The No Bell Piece Prize, but also The Pullet Surprise.
Arrrrrrrgh !!! But funny. :D

teamrope

04-18-2005, 05:22 PM

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

Krytin

04-20-2005, 04:47 PM

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car? Think before you continue reading.

.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside the Box."

...HOWEVER...., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!!!! ...God, I just love happy endings.

2005Marauder

04-21-2005, 09:57 AM

Probably driving a two-seater T-bird--aka the "poodle car"

Ken

04-21-2005, 10:45 AM

"Dear Lord," the minister said and he began a prayer with arms extended and
a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment a little girl leaned over to
her mother and asked quite audibly,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

Bluerauder

04-21-2005, 02:05 PM

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Yeah, it would have been over for me, too !! :D

twolow

04-21-2005, 02:18 PM

...HOWEVER...., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!!!! ...God, I just love happy endings.
LOL!!!! :beer:

twolow

04-22-2005, 08:16 AM

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

Black Terror

04-22-2005, 10:50 AM

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed
to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a
ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde!
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

BruteForce

04-22-2005, 10:54 AM

Bubba and Junior... "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde!
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

I think I might have worked with Bubba and Junior in the past. :lol: :lol:

Bluerauder

04-22-2005, 02:10 PM

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size
36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old"

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

merc406

04-26-2005, 07:51 PM

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman Yells out window "PIG"

Man Yells out window after hearing her "B :censor: "

Man rounds next curve----crashes into huge pig

Sometimes, men "should " listen

the_pack_rat

04-27-2005, 11:59 PM

Subject: Jim and Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled
Jim out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital
because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news".
The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of
another patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is
that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

..............

the_pack_rat

04-28-2005, 12:04 AM

Written by a woman ...

>Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.....
>
>1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
>
>
>
>2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
>
>
>
>3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
>
>has never let me forget.
>
>
>
>4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
>
>her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter..
>
>
>
>5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
>
>constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my
>
>taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>
>
>6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
>
> >to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
>
>
>

the_pack_rat

04-28-2005, 12:06 AM

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife. "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She
looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and
iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started."

...............

teamrope

04-29-2005, 06:35 AM

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant
when the wife looks over at a nearby table and
sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that
man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been
drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't
think anybody could celebrate that long."

teamrope

04-29-2005, 06:36 AM

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling,
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it,
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!' ".
"I don't remember much after that."

teamrope

04-29-2005, 06:37 AM

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his
cough.I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

teamrope

04-29-2005, 06:46 AM

Just some humor........

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to
another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what
he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.She sat under a sweets
sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming," and I grinned. Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the
swelling," and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant
sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly
contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
under a sign that said: "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident." .. I just lost it.'

CASE DISMISSED!!

twolow

04-29-2005, 07:18 AM

:laugh: :nworthy: :rofl: :baaa: :lol: :D Need I say more? :P

teamrope

04-29-2005, 07:21 AM

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

BruteForce

04-29-2005, 07:22 AM

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

teamrope

04-29-2005, 07:31 AM

Good one Scott! :lol:

teamrope

04-29-2005, 07:33 AM

Bettie was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but
she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food
cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she
looked around the house for something to build up the center of the
cake. Bettie found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She
plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked
beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.

Bettie then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the
Sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had
already been sold.

Bettie was beside herself.

A couple of days later, Bettie was invited to a friend's home where
two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the

game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in
question was presented for dessert. Bettie saw the cake, she started
to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess
all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other
ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Bettie sat back in her chair
when she heard the hostess, a prominent church member, say..........

"Thank you; I baked it myself."

teamrope

04-29-2005, 07:34 AM

This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park
in FLA.
He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known one another for a
number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high. The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him.
Finally he plucked up his courage to ask her,
"Will you marry m! e?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes.
The next morning, the widower was troubled.
Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No?' He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his
mind was blank. he remembered asking the question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No?'
"Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.'
And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a! beat.
Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I c ouldn't remember who asked me."

teamrope

04-29-2005, 07:47 AM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

SergntMac

05-02-2005, 03:21 PM

For everyone here who has ever had to write, or, make a performance evaluation, remember that it could have been worse.* These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of their idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

SergntMac

05-02-2005, 03:25 PM

f you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraqi theater during the last 22 months of theater action, this produces a firearm to death ratio of 60 deaths per 100,000 capita.

Well...The firearm to death ratio in Washington, DC. is 80.6 per 100,000 capita. This means that you are more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of WASHINGTON, DC!

teamrope

05-02-2005, 07:59 PM

Ken

05-03-2005, 06:15 AM

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
----------------------------------------
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
----------------------------------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
----------------------------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
----------------------------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
----------------------------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
----------------------------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
----------------------------------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
----------------------------------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
----------------------------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
----------------------------------------
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
----------------------------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
----------------------------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
----------------------------------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Haggis

05-03-2005, 06:43 AM

Paul T. Casey

05-04-2005, 07:44 AM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Quoting Teamrope's joke:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

This story is based on facts, I met an anonymous gentleman who was a client in a state run facility with me in the early 80's. He had a copy of his police report stating a very similar story.

MERCMAN

05-05-2005, 08:28 AM

got a smile,,, eh?

Bluerauder

05-05-2005, 08:45 AM

got a smile,,, eh?
I really got a kick out of the "God's Creatures" billboard the first time that I saw it !! :rofl:

Here's a good one .............
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"20th Anniversary

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as
he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are
you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out
today."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++

SergntMac

05-06-2005, 01:51 PM

A Poem on Love...

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

gray bear

05-06-2005, 09:46 PM

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science teachers

* When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

* H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

* To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

* When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide

* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

* Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

* Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

* The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

* Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

* Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

* A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

* Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

* The body consists of three parts--the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

* The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

* The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

* A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

* The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

* Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

* Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

* Liter: A nest of young puppies.

* Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

* Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

* Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

* Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

* To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

* For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.

* For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.

* For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

* For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

* For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

* For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

* To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

BruteForce

05-06-2005, 09:52 PM

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science teachers

* Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

Partial credit for this one. This is true for smokers. :rasta:

SergntMac

05-08-2005, 03:05 PM

The policeman stood and faced God, which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, policeman. How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek? To my church have you been true?"

The policeman squared his shoulders and said, "No Lord, I guess I ain't,
because those of us who carry badges can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays, and at times my talk was rough,
and sometimes I've been violent, because the streets are awfully tough.
But, I never took a penny that wasn't mine to keep,
though I worked a lot of overtime when the bills got too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help, though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me, I've wept unmanly tears."

"I know I don't deserve a place among the good people here.
They never wanted me around, except to calm their fear.
If you've a place for me here, Lord, it needn't be anything grand.
I've never expected, or, had too much, but if you don't I'll understand."

There was silence all around the throne where the saints had often trod.
As the policeman waited quietly, for the judgment of God.
"Step forward now, policeman, you've borne your burdens well.
Come walk your beat on Heaven's streets, you have done your time in Hell."

martyo

05-11-2005, 07:13 AM

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend!?!"

MarauderMark

05-12-2005, 10:17 AM

Im John, Mark's son... Hope you Like the Joke...

2 Guys were out partying the night before the Big Test in High School.
They Both came home trashed and decided that in the morning they should lie to the teacher and say their car got a flat and that they couldn't study since they weren't home.

The next day they tell the teacher, And he gives them one day to study for the test. That night they both cramed all the knowledge they can into thier heads, thinking of everything on the test. They cramed so much info in to their Head's That they need to stop .they decided they have enough information.

The next day they go to the School Thinking they knew enought to pass the test with flying color's. The teacher sent them into seperate rooms and gives them each the Test.

To thier surprise he tell's them the Test is only 1 Question.
They are now stund, they think of everything they study last night. and have it all down packed.They read the Test and it say's to them.

Question 1). Which Tire was It?

rocknrod

05-14-2005, 06:38 PM

[QUOTE=
Question 1). Which Tier was It?[/QUOTE]Tier, Tier. . . . Oh you mean which TIRE.
Funny

TooManyFords

05-15-2005, 07:33 AM

millihelen; noun; millihelen, mh

a metric unit of measure equal to the amount of beauty required to
launch just one ship...

SergntMac

05-16-2005, 06:40 PM

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20
> minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?

duhtroll

05-16-2005, 08:44 PM

Why ARE Men Happier?

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress- $5000. Tux rental- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

SergntMac

05-17-2005, 02:30 PM

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.

The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the test of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man walked away defeated and ashamed.

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It is also why he never found out that Plato was screwing his wife...

MERCMAN

05-18-2005, 07:46 AM

Subject: Irish Gas Station

Taking a week break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new
>Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in
>typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.
>
> "Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap. As
>Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
>
>"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant. "They're called tees,"
>replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the
>Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.
>
> "AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those
>fellas at FORD think of everything!"

teamrope

05-18-2005, 12:57 PM

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny.
He was 16 years old. Authorities believe the death occurred at approximately 8:42 P.M. last night.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny who kept going and going and going,
Pinky, as he was known to his friends, was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning.
Chief medical examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest
induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put Pinky's batteries in backwards
and he kept coming and coming and coming.

teamrope

05-18-2005, 01:00 PM

Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not
contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I
was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is
such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story.

Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Rider90

05-18-2005, 01:01 PM

lol....NICE! :baaa:

MarauderMark

05-19-2005, 08:47 AM

Hey RocknRod its me John, i Just your reply to my Joke, HAHAHAHAHA your Very Funny.

King Fubar

05-20-2005, 07:43 AM

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!"

teamrope

05-21-2005, 08:58 PM

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The
turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing
was struck by lightning.

One woman in particular lost it.
Screaming, she stood up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wailed. Then she yelled,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone had forgotten his or her own
peril. Eyes riveted, they all stared at the desperate woman in the front
of the plane.

Then a Hillbilly from Tennessee stood up in the rear of the plane. He
was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest.

She gasped...

He said, "Iron this -- and then get me a beer!!!

the_pack_rat

05-22-2005, 04:02 PM

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men - one was a woman. They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really
touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men .....

All of the men started clapping.

the_pack_rat

05-22-2005, 04:07 PM

Man Falls Aseep At Church ...

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

the_pack_rat

05-22-2005, 04:13 PM

>
> "You know you're a
> redneck when......."
>
>
> 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>
> 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
>
> 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>
> 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
>
> 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
>
> 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
>
> 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
>
> 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
>
> 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
>
> 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>
> 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
>
> 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
>
> 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
>
> 14. You! 've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>
> 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
>
> 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>
> 17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
>
> 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
>
> 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
>
> 20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
>
> 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
> it.
>
> 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
>
> 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on
> the side.
>
> 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
>
> 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
>
> 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
>
> 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of
> improvements.
>
> 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
>
> 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
>
> 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
>

the_pack_rat

05-22-2005, 04:17 PM

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette ..... with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says .....

" Well ..... I guess we finally answered THAT question ".

teamrope

05-22-2005, 05:27 PM

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

duhtroll

05-23-2005, 05:31 PM

First-year students at med school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger."

"Now learn to pay attention."

Bluerauder

05-23-2005, 05:42 PM

Which reminds me .....

You know how to tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer, right??

The taste !! :rolleyes:

:puke: :puke:

the_pack_rat

05-23-2005, 06:43 PM

Heed this warning ..... Do NOT lose your grand kids in the Mall !.

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said ..... "I've lost my grandpa !".

The cop asked ..... "what's he like ?".

The little boy replied .....

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big hooters."

teamrope

05-25-2005, 08:38 PM

A salesman decided to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job.

"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great and the hours are long, but one thing I really like, is that the customer is always wrong."

blackf0rk

05-26-2005, 07:29 AM

Hear about Michael Jackson's new book? Yea, it's called "The Ins and Outs of Child REARING" :O

duhtroll

05-26-2005, 03:27 PM

There was a blond that sat down in first class of an airplane going to Chicago.
A stewardess came over and told her that she needed to move back to coach because this was someone else's seat.

She said "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class." Well the stewardess didn't know what to do so she went and got the head stewardess and told her what happened.

So the head stewardess goes over the the blond and says that she needs to move back to her seat in coach.

The blond replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class"

Well neither stewardess knew what to do so they went and got the captain. He tells the blond that she needs to go back to her seat in coach. She tells him "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class"

The captain leans down and whispers something in her ear and she jumps up and runs back to coach.

The stewardess' ask him what he told her to finally get her to move.

He says "First class isn't going to Chicago"

dwasson

05-26-2005, 09:26 PM

Burger King is advertising the Michael Jackson burger. It's 40 year old meat in 12 year old buns.

Dr Caleb

05-30-2005, 06:45 PM

Temperature Conversion Chart (US/Canada)

50 Fahrenheit (+10 Celcuis)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.

40 Fahrenheit (+4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.

35 Fahrenheit (+1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows/top down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

teamrope

05-30-2005, 08:41 PM

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

dwasson

06-01-2005, 10:05 PM

A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test.

The examiner shows him a card with the letters: - C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

teamrope

06-01-2005, 11:02 PM

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies, "Well then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.

Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day,he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What! You don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if only you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a janitor at Microsoft!"

gray bear

06-02-2005, 11:11 AM

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road
was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly
died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total
silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything
that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited
knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight,
he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised
himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's
your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the
underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the
road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses
repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key
and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to
the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran
into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and
asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you'veseen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the
rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse,
you say?
Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher,
"because that black horse don't know **** about cars!"

teamrope

06-02-2005, 11:09 PM

Following questions and answers were collated from one of the past year's British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.-
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

duhtroll

06-03-2005, 07:01 AM

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's unit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

MAD-3R

06-03-2005, 06:21 PM

George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely, always knows the right thing to say, too!

Bush and the Queen at London Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands.

It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said anything, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

Bluerauder

06-06-2005, 11:13 AM

I come from a rather large family. Part of this is because my mother was hard of hearing.

Every night my Father would ask her ... "Are we going to sleep or what??"

Without fail, she would always answer "What ??" :rofl:

Blackened300a

06-06-2005, 06:44 PM

OK A Man walks into a Bar with a piece of Asphalt under his Arm, He Says to the Bartender, Ill take a drink for me.......

And one for the Road.

duhtroll

06-08-2005, 10:07 AM

As we age, our priorities change.

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went golfing.

Bluerauder

06-08-2005, 10:12 AM

:laugh: :laugh:

... So, I tied her up and went golfing.

Here's another --------

"As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a
five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No
matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him
down, but the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around
him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a US. Marine Corps
uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine
leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the
boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly
fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous
applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly,
"but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle
me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and
that I was just about to make my selection for this flight."

dwasson

06-08-2005, 10:22 AM

As we age, our priorities change.

I was in a rougher neighborhood and a scantily dressed young woman said, "Honey, I'll do anything you want for $300."

I replied, "OK, paint my house."

teamrope

06-08-2005, 04:45 PM

By the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites:

Don’t order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.
Don’t laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Etta Mae, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it’s called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat’s ass whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever, it’s still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we’ll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI World Com, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, All Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don’t care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we’ll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we’ll kick your ass.
Don’t order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don’t put sugar on your grits, or we’ll kick your ass.
Don’t fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don’t want to sound like you. WE don’t care if you don’t understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that’s all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we’ll kick your ass.
Don’t complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we’ll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don’t ridicule our Southern manners. WE say sir and Ma’am. We hold doors open for others. WE offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they’ll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
So you think we’re quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New Your, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we’ll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT Dare to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You’re lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box, minus your ass.

duhtroll

06-09-2005, 06:58 AM

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

nelsonrock

06-09-2005, 12:45 PM

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...the
Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

duhtroll

06-10-2005, 06:35 AM

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o'clock in the morning I would have the President of the Bank of Canada by the balls."

Ken

06-11-2005, 07:20 AM

In case you have the two mixed up, this should make things a bit clearer:

IN PRISON - you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK - you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON - you get three meals a day.

AT WORK - you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON - you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK - you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON - the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK-you must carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON - you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK - you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON - you get your own toilet.

AT WORK - you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON - they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK - you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON - the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.

AT WORK - you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for Prisoners.

IN PRISON - you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK - you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON - you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK - they are called managers.

Have a Great Day at WORK!

duhtroll

06-12-2005, 09:14 AM

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator! She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

teamrope

06-12-2005, 10:55 AM

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough
for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he
is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a
whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops
out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender
ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his
knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and
stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front
door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says "He should have quit while he was a head!"

cyclone03

06-12-2005, 12:05 PM

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

It's amazing how far Diet coke will shoot from my nose!
I'll be off cleaning my keyboard now.

duhtroll

06-15-2005, 10:18 AM

Dave works hard at the office and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every cuss word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real b*tch this time"

teamrope

06-15-2005, 04:32 PM

Murphy's Law of Technology & The Internet
Murphy's Technology Law #1 -- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3 -- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4 -- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5 -- All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #6 -- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #7 -- All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #9 -- The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #10 -- A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #11 -- New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #12 -- Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #13 -- A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

teamrope

06-15-2005, 09:36 PM

Maxims for the Internet Age
- Home is where you hang your @

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

- What boots up must come down.

- Windows will never cease.

- In Gates we trust.

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

- Modulation in all things.

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

- Know what to expect before you connect.

- Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

- Speed thrills.

duhtroll

06-16-2005, 06:02 AM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weawy givths a thit."

ncmm

06-16-2005, 04:45 PM

Dear Billy Bob,

My wife and I have divorced and in the divorce settlement she was
awarded the double wide mobile home and the pickup truck. As per my copy of the court order, I delivered the truck before 2 PM, yesterday!

So, how's your day going?

See you,

Junior

teamrope

06-16-2005, 09:56 PM

The Lighter Side of Zen -- Part 1
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either; just Get Out Of The Way and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

TooManyFords

06-17-2005, 05:32 AM

11. If someone offers you to walk a mile in their shoes, do it. He'll be barefoot and you'll be a mile away before he realizes you've taken his shoes.

Bluerauder

06-19-2005, 07:04 AM

It appears that Murphy had laws for almost any occasion --- :D

Murphy's Laws Of Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

4. There is always a way.

5. The easy way is always mined.

6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.

9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.

11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.

19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

20. Never forget that your equipment is made by the lowest bidder.

21. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
--Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke

22. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

23. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

24. The quartermaster has on only two sizes, too large and too small.

25. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

teamrope

06-20-2005, 10:40 PM

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.

"He died and went to heaven," she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back?"

teamrope

06-21-2005, 04:41 PM

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot,
"Landing Gear, check. ?
?Altitude, check.?
Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too.."

teamrope

06-21-2005, 04:41 PM

Two rednecks were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.

They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"

teamrope

06-22-2005, 09:17 PM

The Lighter Side of Zen ? Part 2
1. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

2. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

3. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

4. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

5. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

6. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

the_pack_rat

06-22-2005, 09:38 PM

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One
for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here
quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard !". Satan and the Lord
are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me ..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we
can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At
last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy
on the bike.

BruteForce

06-22-2005, 09:50 PM

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Ain't it the truth. :P

Rider90

06-22-2005, 09:55 PM

2. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

I first heard something along those lines in De Niro's Bronx Tale, great lesson, great flick, and it's so damn true.

teamrope

06-23-2005, 05:42 PM

The ways to grade the final exams
Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.

teamrope

06-24-2005, 11:38 PM

The "Help" Hotline
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

2. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

3. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

4. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

5. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

6. If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

7. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

teamrope

06-25-2005, 07:53 AM

Odd Rabbi Out

These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

teamrope

06-26-2005, 07:12 PM

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
Prehistoric Times - "Here, eat this root."
0 ...."That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

*********************

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

*********************

A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

*********************

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

*********************

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

*********************

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

BruteForce

06-26-2005, 07:23 PM

...He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

:lol: :censor: :lol: :censor: :lol: :censor:

^^^ uncontrollable laughter with a sore throat ^^^

hdirish50

06-26-2005, 07:39 PM

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Hay Pale We Don’t Serve Food Here!”:stupid:

Marc

06-29-2005, 04:49 PM

The definition between "guts" and"
balls"!

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say: "You're next."

teamrope

06-30-2005, 06:17 PM

Questions you Hope your Students won't Ask you

1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?

2. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

3. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

4. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

5. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

6. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

7. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

8. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

9. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

10. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

11. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

12. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

13. You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

14. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

15. What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

16.When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

teamrope

06-30-2005, 06:28 PM

Random Facts to Impress Your Friends

1. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Perhaps he was a member of the ?Procrastinators Party?

2. "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

3. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

4. Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

5. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

6. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

7. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

8. Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

9. Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

duhtroll

07-01-2005, 03:53 PM

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

teamrope

07-01-2005, 09:54 PM

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up.

So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

"NUDIST COLONY"

The moral of the story is: Go slow and watch out for the chicks