Joke of the day

[SC Cheesehead]

An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking alcoholic beverages, which is illegal. They are taken to the local police headquarters, told of their crime, and advised of their punishment. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes and will then be deported."

Before we begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The Englishman, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. They put on the oil, then they tied him to a post, lashed him, and then let him go to catch his flight back to London. He groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before we begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?" said the prison guard.

"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started marching off towards the airport.

The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before we begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?"

"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

[SC Cheesehead]

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy *****head anywhere we went today!"

[fastblackmerc]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Funnies/cow1.jpg
http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Funnies/cow2.jpg
http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Funnies/cow3.jpg
http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/Funnies/cow4.jpg

[SC Cheesehead]

Here's one you're going to have to chase after:

http://www.flowgo.com/funny/15933_farting-contest.html

[BruteForce]

http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u90/BruteForceMM/dilbert2008043056212.gif

Just too good not to share. :lol:

[Blk Mamba]

Why does a chicken coupe have 2 doors?



















Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[SC Cheesehead]

Why does a chicken coupe have 2 doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.


DOH!! :banghead:

Here's one back at you:

Two Rednecks, Jim and Dave, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Dave and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Dave thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.


The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.


'Logic?' Jim says. 'What's that?'



The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'


'Yeah.'


'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that yo u would have a yard.'



'That's true, I do have a yard.'


'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'




'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'


'Yes, I have a family.'


'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'



'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'


Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Dave at the bar. He tells Dave about hi s classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.



'Logic?' Dave says, 'What's that?'


Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'


'No.'


'Then you're a queer.'

[Blk Mamba]

DOH!! :banghead:

Here's one back at you:

Two Rednecks, Jim and Dave, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Dave and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Dave thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.


The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.


'Logic?' Jim says. 'What's that?'



The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'


'Yeah.'


'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that yo u would have a yard.'



'That's true, I do have a yard.'


'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'




'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'


'Yes, I have a family.'


'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'



'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'


Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Dave at the bar. He tells Dave about hi s classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.



'Logic?' Dave says, 'What's that?'


Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'


'No.'


'Then you're a queer.'

Sccooorrreee!!!

[Canadasvt]

$10,000 Phone Call

An American Decided to write a book about famous
churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way
across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking
photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on
the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who
was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his
way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same
sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone
he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose
was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and
that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then traveled to Indianapolis , Washington DC ,
Philadelphia , Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone
with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel
up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first
church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but
this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest
about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and
I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm
told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the
price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada
now, son - it's a local call'.

[hot-rauder]

$10,000 Phone Call

An American Decided to write a book about famous
churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way
across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking
photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on
the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who
was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his
way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same
sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone
he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose
was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and
that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then traveled to Indianapolis , Washington DC ,
Philadelphia , Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone
with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel
up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first
church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but
this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest
about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and
I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm
told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the
price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada
now, son - it's a local call'.


i guess it's Canadian humor:shake: :lol:

very nice!

[SC Cheesehead]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.

2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

5. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

6. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

7 You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

8. Remember - Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

9. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

[hot-rauder]

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.


:rofl: :rofl:

[Raudermaster]

Two fleas from Wisconsin had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for
a vacation. Last year when one flea got to Miami, he was all blue, shivering
and shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asked him, 'What the hell happened to you?'

The first flea said, 'I rode down here in the mustache of a guy on a
Harley.'

The other flea said,' That's the worst way to tra vel. Try what I do. Go to
the Mitchell International airport bar and look for a nice stewardess. Crawl
up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to
travel that I can think of.'

The first flea thanked the second flea and said he would give it a try next
winter. A year went by. When the first flea again showed up in Miami once
more he was all blue, shivering and shaking again and damn near frozen to
death.

The second flea asked him, 'Didn't you try what I told you?'

Yes,' said the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said. I went to the
Mitchell International airport bar and this nice young stewardess came in. I
crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell
asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on
the Harley...'

[Raudermaster]

The Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy
the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a
piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back
down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he
replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting
about a period?

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing
one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door
joined the Air Force."

[hot-rauder]

The Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy
the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a
piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back
down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he
replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting
about a period?

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing
one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door
joined the Air Force."


Zinnnggaaaah!!

[fastblackmerc]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[SC Cheesehead]

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

This kid definitely has a future in politics!:lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me; including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

The drunk replies, "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

[hot-rauder]

This kid definitely has a future in politics!:lol:

hahaha :rofl: :rofl: hahaha

[hot-rauder]

i think all of us ford guys can enjoy this one.....

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v199/rocknthehawk/goodLAWD.jpg

[MM03MOK]

PRESS RELEASE
DATE: APRIL 19, 2008 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM: PFIZER CORPORATION

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

CONTACT: Ricardo Cabeza
PHONE: 213-425-4326

[hot-rauder]

PRESS RELEASE
DATE: APRIL 19, 2008 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM: PFIZER CORPORATION

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

CONTACT: Ricardo Cabeza
PHONE: 213-425-4326



very nice Mary.... im skeptical about calling though, lol

[magindat]

Sad news to report....

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
Community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
And trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
Celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high
With flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
Man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
Show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
Not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-
Baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a
Crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough
And Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.. He is also survived
By his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[hot-rauder]

Sad news to report....

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
Community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
And trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
Celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high
With flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
Man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
Show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
Not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-
Baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a
Crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough
And Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.. He is also survived
By his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

way to poke a guy while he is down....

[arejayesss]

Sad news to report....

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
Community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
And trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
Celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high
With flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
Man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
Show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
Not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-
Baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a
Crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough
And Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.. He is also survived
By his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Oh, Rich. You always Rise to the occasion don't you. Well, I'm sorry to hear this. Its a real crumby deal.

[fastblackmerc]

Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman does get some 'flak' from the NAACP. Al Sharpton and the Rev Jackson will go nuts !!!

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............

#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways

[Black_Noise]

Why cant you play Uno with a mexican?


Because they keep all the green cards.

[arejayesss]

Why cant you play Uno with a mexican?


Because they keep all the green cards.

Why can't a blond play Uno?


They can't count that high.

[SC Cheesehead]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[Haggis]

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

Phhhttttt......Have to clean my keybord now. Thanks Rex I was eatting an orange when I read this. Did you know that citrus acid burns the nose hairs?

[High-C]

The liberal daughter



Father/Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and
among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to
support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.


She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had
participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her
father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he
thought should be his.


One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on
the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed
objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she
indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in
school.


Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let
him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very
difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to
go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a
boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all
her time studying.


Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She
replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she
never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus;
college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots
of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter,


'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your
GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both
have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of
GPA.'


The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard
for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey
has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my
tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican
party.'
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

[FreddieH]

This is FUNNY! Click on the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

[SC Cheesehead]

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

[BruteForce]

'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Thanks for the coffee out the nose. :lol:

[crouse]

A man is about to perform oral sex on a woman when he says "My gosh, you have the largest vagina I've ever seen". And the woman says "Well, you didn't have to say it three times".

[BruteForce]

What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

4. The nanny, well we'll consider her the Working Class.

5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Okay.?

"Now, go on and think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed, naked, with the Nanny. So, he gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his Father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies: "Well, the President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep, and the People are being ignored while the Future is in deep ****."

[TiTo35]

What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

4. The nanny, well we'll consider her the Working Class.

5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Okay.?

"Now, go on and think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed, naked, with the Nanny. So, he gives up and goes back to bed.




The next morning, the little boy says to his Father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies: "Well, the President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep, and the People are being ignored while the Future is in deep ****."



Funny...but sad...

[fastblackmerc]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this', said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

She smiled and said, 'What do you have to lose? ; ; You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, 'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[gonzo50]

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when suddenly they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'



Most Old timers are helpful like that!

[jgc61sr2002]

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when suddenly they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'



Most Old timers are helpful like that!


:rofl::laugh::lol:

[gonzo50]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

Now that's funny! I don't care who you are!!!

[Haggis]

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S

.....The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'



Most Old timers are helpful like that!

Sounds like something Mike Poore would say.

[fastblackmerc]

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Cooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carryon, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark nak ed, holding a very sizable ere ction in his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

[fastblackmerc]

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.' (she had no clue either!)

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa . interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her
kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, 'Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer.... ' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency room!'


Life is tough ..
It's tougher if you're stupid

[fastblackmerc]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over
as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

[BruteForce]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *********

[Marylandrauder]

:DA grandson checks in on his grand parents only to find the grandfather dead that Sunday morning! He asks his grandmother what happened to the 100 year old man? She replies they were having sex and he died! The grandson asked if this was not a risky thing to do for a 95 year old woman and a 100 year old man.Grandma said they had been doing it every Sunday morning keeping in time to the Church bells-in on the ding, and out on the dong.So what went wrong this time asked the grandson? Well, replied grandma-the damn ICE CREAM TRUCK came by just as we started!!!

[TooManyFords]

9 months laterJack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

[gonzo50]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD ...
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's ***** ... that's right , ***** !
***** may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****, and
tell others to eat ****.

Some people know their ****, while others can't tell the difference between ****
and shineola.

There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, and crazy ****s. There is bull ****, horse
****, and chicken ****.

You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, shoot the ****, or duck when the
**** hits the fan.

You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****, and some days
are just plain ****ty.
Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times when
you feel like ****.

You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong **** or a
lot of weird ****.

You can carry ****, have a mountain of ****, or find yourself up **** creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you fall in a
bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic buildin g block of the
English language.

And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a ****; or not do so if you don't give a ****!

Well, ****, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a
**** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of ****. But, if you happened
to catch a load of **** from some ****-head...........

Well, ***** Happens!!! :rolleyes:

[RedMustang]

:DA grandson checks in on his grand parents only to find the grandfather dead that Sunday morning! He asks his grandmother what happened to the 100 year old man? She replies they were having sex and he died! The grandson asked if this was not a risky thing to do for a 95 year old woman and a 100 year old man.Grandma said they had been doing it every Sunday morning keeping in time to the Church bells-in on the ding, and out on the dong.So what went wrong this time asked the grandson? Well, replied grandma-the damn ICE CREAM TRUCK came by just as we started!!!


ha

ha

:)

[RoyLPita]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate . However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the g round where he sat.

The Pope brought out a comm union wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs."

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin."

"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[de minimus]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex,
have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Haggis]

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[SC Cheesehead]

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

[Krytin]

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
formerly known as California .



White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.




Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.mercurymarauder.net/forums/ /><st1:place w:st=United States</st1:place> crops and livestock.





Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.




Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.





Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.



<st1:country-region w:st="on">France</st1:country-region> pleads for global help after being taken over by <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Jamaica</st1:place></st1:country-region> . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!




Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Obama has banned all smoking.





George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.






Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.






85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.





Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.





Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.





Abortion clinics now available in every

High School in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">United States</st1:place></st1:country-region>.





Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.





<st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Massachusetts</st1:place></st1:State> executes last remaining conservative.




Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.





Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.





New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030







IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.





Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.



<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o:p></o:p>



<I>
</I><I><I>I Love This Country! </I></I><I>
</I><I>
<I>It's The Government That Scares Me!</I></I><o:p></o:p>

[SC Cheesehead]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

[de minimus]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and the y just keep coming, duck after duck after duck!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'

'No s**t!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'

[SC Cheesehead]

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?



It's because she smells like a new truck

[fastblackmerc]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
Expensive ... so, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

**********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, ’Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started.....

**********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God! 'says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***********************

AND I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST...

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

[TiTo35]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER <ST1:P</ST1:P<ST1:P</ST1:P


</PRE>
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o:p></o:p>




OOOOOOOOOk Freddie...make sure NONE of your children are next meet! :lol:

[de minimus]

A Vancouver senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car showroom. Heading off down the highway, he floored it to 160 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'mazin!' he thought as he flew down the highway, enjoying pressing
the accelerator even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, blue-red lights flashing and siren wailing.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 190 kph, then 220, then 230. Suddenly, he thought,
'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up
with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes. Today is Friday and I'm going away for the weekend. If you cangive me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'


The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman

[SC Cheesehead]

1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather --who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.' --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.' --Author Unknown

3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.' --Drew Carey

4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.' --Jeff Foxworthy

5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.' --Dave Barry

6) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'' --Paula Poundstone

7) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' --Conan O'Brien

8) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.' --Lynda Montgomery

9) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'' --Richard Jeni

10) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'--Johnny Carson

11) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.' --Jerry Seinfeld

12) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What do tall people burn 20X slower?' --Warren Hutcherson

13) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.' --Oscar Wilde

14) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.' --Mark Twain

15) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.' --A. Whitney Brown

16) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My Goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'' --Dave Barry

17) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. -- Unknown, presumed deceased

and finally....

18) 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.' -- W. C. Fields
:beer:

[Pat]

The three blonde's who were applying for a position with a police department were asked to identify any unusual characteristics on a criminal's mugshot.

The first blonde said that the man had only one eye. The interviewer said that was because it was a profile image. She was excused. The second blonde was asked the same question and she replied that the person had only one ear. She too was excused.

The third blonde when asked to identify any unusual characteristics said that the man was wearing contact lenses. The police interviewer looked at the criminals rap sheet and he did indeed wear contact lenses. Asked how she could tell the blonde said "well, he can't wear regular glasses 'cause he only has one eye and one ear".

[fastblackmerc]

A recent study, conducted by Harvard University found that the average
American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American……

[SC Cheesehead]

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts

[Bluerauder]

:laugh:

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts

Who woulda thunk it? ;)

[whd507]

I have spent the past few days reading all 105 pages (my abs hurt) I think thats the first new joke in 70+ pages...

[SC Cheesehead]

This news just in:

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

[LeoVampire]

<CENTER>Cat Diary ...

</CENTER>...
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage....

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

[SC Cheesehead]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

[Ken]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT.'

They stopped that ***** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[SC Cheesehead]

A new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Krytin]

A new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

or Kitty Litter!

[justbob]

Did you hear the joke about the pencil? There's no point!



Did you here the joke about the ceiling? It'll floor you!

Sorry i got kids.

[SC Cheesehead]

:laugh:


or Kitty Litter!


Hooha, you betcha!:rofl:

[SC Cheesehead]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[justbob]

Coutesy of the wifey,

A man walking down the street notices a pirate with a steering wheel in his pants and stops him to ask why.

He replies aaaaaaaarrrrrgggggg its driving me nuts.

[justbob]

One more from her.

A man getting his exam was told by the doctor that he needed to stop with all the masturbating immediately

He replies why is that doc?

Doc replies so i can finish the exam!

[Leadfoot281]

A guy, age 30 or so, walks into a bar. There, he meets a very attractive woman whos about 50 years old.

They strike up a conversation and it's moving along pretty good. Eventually the conversation turns to sex. She asks him what his fantasy is.

He replies; I always wanted a little "mother-daughter 3 way action".

"Wow! Me too!" she says. "Lets go back to my place!"

Once there she walks into the house, looks down the hallway and yells "Hey Mom, put your teeth in! We're gonna have some fun tonight!"

[SC Cheesehead]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Dr Caleb]

With props to Jeff Foxworthy:

Forget Rednecks,
A Little Canadian Humor,


If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
You may live in Canada .


If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .


If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .


If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialled a wrong number,
You may live in Canada .


If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada .


If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada .

If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada .


If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'
In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada .


If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching,
You may live in Canada .


If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But leave both doors unlocked,
You may live in Canada .


If you carry jumpers in your car
And your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume
To fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada .


If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --
You're going 90 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada .


If driving is better in the winter
Because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada .


If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
And road construction,
You may live in Canada .


If you have more miles
On your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada .


If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly',
You may live in Canada .


If you actually understand these jokes,
And forward them to all
Your Canadian friends & others,
You definitely live in Canada .

[Krytin]

With props to Jeff Foxworthy:

Forget Rednecks,
A Little Canadian Humor,


If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
You may live in Canada .


If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .


If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .


If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialled a wrong number,
You may live in Canada .


If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada .


If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada .

If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada .


If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'
In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada .


If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching,
You may live in Canada .


If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But leave both doors unlocked,
You may live in Canada .


If you carry jumpers in your car
And your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume
To fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada .


If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --
You're going 90 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada .


If driving is better in the winter
Because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada .


If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
And road construction,
You may live in Canada .


If you have more miles
On your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada .


If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly',
You may live in Canada .


If you actually understand these jokes,
And forward them to all
Your Canadian friends & others,
You definitely live in Canada .

That was good!
Does Northern NH count?
I lived there for 8+ years and most of this applies!

[SC Cheesehead]

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

- 'Did you dance much ?'

- 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.... !!!'

[SC Cheesehead]

Who is your REAL FRIEND?


This really works...!


If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

[SC Cheesehead]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car, 'Were they trying to steal it?'

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away?'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting.'

[de minimus]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered .

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

[SC Cheesehead]

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good.I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

[fastblackmerc]

1. Talk about huge breasts!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. That's one terrific spread!

6. That's the biggest one I've ever seen.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat!

11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all the people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

[Hacklemerc]

Chuck Norris recently stated that he supports gay marriage. The reasoning behind it is because no woman is tough enough to marry Chcuk Norris. So he is doing this so he can marry the one person tough enough to marry Chuck Norris... Chuck Norris.

[fastblackmerc]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their ample, perky breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

[Krytin]

Let me know the next time you go shopping at THD. I need to pick up some supplies and carpooling is the "green" thing to do!

[SC Cheesehead]

A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.


He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'


She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'


It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.......

[Bluerauder]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

Another ruined keyboard here. :rofl:

[Blk Mamba]

Damn thats good.

[SC Cheesehead]

Two midgets split a lottery ticket and end up winning the jackpot.

To celebrate, they get two hookers and rent adjoining motel rooms.

That night, the first midget sits on the bed, staring at the girl, not knowing what to say or do.

To make matters worse, he can hear all kinds of sounds coming from the next room, "Uhhh! Ohhh! Ahhhh! Oh man, this is crazy!"

The next morning, the first midget walks dejectedly the hotel restaurant, and sits down next to his friend at breakfast. "Last night was terrible," he admits, "I didn't know what to do, or even what to say to my hooker."

"You think that`s bad." the second one says, "I couldn`t even get up on the bed!"

[SC Cheesehead]

A crusty old Navy Chief found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation.

"Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[fastblackmerc]

A Fable (NOT)

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy donkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many donkeys around, went out and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy donkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching donkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of donkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a donkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy donkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these donkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the donkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of asses!

Now you have a better understanding of how this WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!

[fastblackmerc]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any=2 of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living with Margaritas!

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration

Erotic lustfulness

Loss of motor control

Loss of clothing

Loss of money

Loss of virginity

Table dancing

Headache

Dehydration

Dry mouth

A compulsion to take part in Karaoke

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may compel you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

[SC Cheesehead]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with elevator music.
13. Your eyes won't get much worse.
14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.


AND TRY TO ALWAYS REMEMBER ...
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[BruteForce]

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

:eek: ROTFLMAOPMP

[fastblackmerc]

Dear Walter, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

WALTER

[fastblackmerc]

Pick your Favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3, then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3... (I'll wait while you get the
calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down








































Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:


1. Albert Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Jacob Zuma
4. Tom Cruise
5. Bill Gates
6. Mahatma Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Jacques Cousteau
9. fastblackmerc
10. Ronald Reagan

I know.... I just have that effect on people.... one day you too can be like me....

P.S.: Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!

[fastblackmerc]

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' weed inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's
hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no weed . They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


(Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun).

[fastblackmerc]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past
a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we
do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another
sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER .

[hot-rauder]

Pick your Favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3, then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3... (I'll wait while you get the
calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down








































Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:


1. Albert Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Jacob Zuma
4. Tom Cruise
5. Bill Gates
6. Mahatma Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Jacques Cousteau
9. fastblackmerc
10. Ronald Reagan

I know.... I just have that effect on people.... one day you too can be like me....

P.S.: Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!




ok dammit, you caught me...

very nice trick though.


and if I may say, you are on quiet the roll with the jokes.

[hot-rauder]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past
a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we
do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another
sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER .


LMAO!!! i love it...

[whd507]

I got my wife a new belt for Christmas...









the Vacuum will work great now!!

[Hacklemerc]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight. While in route home he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he
wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband
And cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on
the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed
with another man!

The husband puts a gun to thenaked man's head. The wife shouts,
'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid
for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin
cruiser. He paid for your season Cowboys tickets. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and He
even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'
;
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his a$$ with that blanket before
he catches cold.'

[MERCMAN]

Pun Intended

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11 A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,
he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults:
Practice safe sects!

[SC Cheesehead]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[MERCMAN]

A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY


This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he

could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly

com ing towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without

thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door. Only to

realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a

curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the

window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as

the hand repeatedly came through the window,

but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,

so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and

out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the

horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying

and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the

stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said

to the other...'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in

the car while we were pushin' it.' !!!!

[MERCMAN]

MY RETIREMENT

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW I HAD AMBITIONS OF FINDING
A SIMPLE, UNCOMPLICATED PART TIME JOB AFTER
RETIRING FROM MY 'DAY JOB'. UNFORTUNATELY, AS
I HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE OLDER, I HAVE BECOME A
LITTLE LESS SENSITIVE. SO AFTER LANDING MY NEW JOB AS
A WAL-MART greeter, a good find for many
retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a
very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into
the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all
the way through the entrance. As I had been
instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and
welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are
they twins?'

THE UGLY WOMAN STOPPED YELLING LONG ENOUGH TO SAY, 'HELL NO,
THEY AIN'T TWINS. THE OLDEST ONE'S 9, AND
THE OTHER ONE'S 7. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU
THINK THEY'RE TWINS? ARE YOU BLIND, OR JUST
STUPID?

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just

couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and
thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for
this line of work.......

[Ken]

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............

You're listening to your IPod !

[SC Cheesehead]

:laugh:


You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............

You're listening to your IPod !

Speaking of hearing impaired....


A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."

[fastblackmerc]

WE ARE IN 'BIG TROUBLE' AND IT JUST ISN'T ALL POLITICAL!!


We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.


Leaving 15 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.


Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are,


Sitting on your ass,


At your computer, reading jokes.



Nice. Real Freakin' nice.

[SC Cheesehead]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay. Stay"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'PARK' ?????"

[Dr Caleb]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.

And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a Sheriff pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

AND THEY THINK I'M A DUMB BLONDE!!

[MERCMAN]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching?Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

[SC Cheesehead]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, and take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom. Then I stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I tiptoe into the bedroom and ease into bed. My wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!'

His friend looks at him and says, ' Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, WHO'S HORNY?????!!! And she acts like she's sound asleep!! It works every time!!!

[Krytin]

The White House Fence
Three contractors are bidding to fix
a broken fence at the White House in DC: One is from New York , another is from
Tennessee and the third, is from Florida .

All three go with a White House
official to examine the fence

The Florida contractor takes out a
tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400
for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does
some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for
materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New York contractor doesn't
measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers,
"$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You
didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high
figure?"
The New York contractor whispers
back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix
the fence."
"Done!" replies the government
official. And that, my friends, is how government contracting
works!

[MERCMAN]

Not sure if this is true or not, hence it is joke of the day and not the lounge.

THIS WAS ON CRAIGS LIST



To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your forehead, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I just couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.





I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do some laundry. Peace!

John

Another nail for the Anti-Gun pros

[Krytin]

That's a good one!
Nothing worse than staring down the business end of a .45 ACP - unless it goes off!

[SC Cheesehead]

Sex In The Shower?

In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago's elite residents and government officials (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

[TiTo35]

:laugh: :rofl:


Sex In The Shower?

In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago's elite residents and government officials (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.



Not sure if this is true or not, hence it is joke of the day and not the lounge.

THIS WAS ON CRAIGS LIST



To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your forehead, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I just couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.





I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do some laundry. Peace!

John

Another nail for the Anti-Gun pros

[Dr Caleb]

Warning. No eating during this video.

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs

[SC Cheesehead]

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'

'Social Security sex?'

'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on

[High-C]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while
>
> her husband is at work.

> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he
>
> sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
>
> The woman's husband also comes home.
>
> She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
>
> that the little boy is in there already.


> The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
>
> Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
>
> Man: 'That's nice' Boy: 'Want to buy
> it?'
>
> Man: 'No, thanks.'
>
> Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
>
> Man: 'OK, how much?'
>
> Boy: '$250'
>
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
>
> boy and the lover are in the closet together.
>
>
> Boy: 'Dark in here.'
>
> Man: 'Yes, it is.'
>
> Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
>
> The lover, remembering the last time,
>
> asks the boy, How much?'
>
> Boy: '$750'
>
> Man: 'Sold.' >
>
> A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab
>
> your glove, let's go outside and have a game of
> catch.'
>
> The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my
> glove.'
>
>
> The Dad ask s, 'How much did you sell them for?'
>
> Boy: ' $1,000'
>
> The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your
>
> friends like that...that is way more than those two
>
> things cost. I'm taking you to church, to
> confession.'
>
> They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
>
> boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
>

> The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> The priest says, 'Don't start that ***** again;
>
> you're in my closet now.'

[hot-rauder]

:rofl: High-C :rofl:

[Brian H]

Sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says no, sandwich says Y? Bartender says... "we don't serve food here"

[Hacklemerc]

Tools explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available,they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fitinto the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead ofthe outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip orbracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, mostoften, the
next tool that you will need.

[Bluerauder]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[TiTo35]

:hide: Umm Charlie...dont leak important MAN secrets... :laugh:


Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[SC Cheesehead]

A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan. The Saskatchewan Provincial Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and
sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Canadian Club every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

The agent says, 'That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit.'

The farmer replied, 'That would be me, what do you want to know?'

[Tom Doan]

Dang, I must live in South Timmons.;)

[High-C]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus...

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in their body. The officer volunteering for retirement got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of hisoutstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Petty Officer who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received...

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Corps Officer.

The doctor arrived and instructed the Chief to "Drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed. "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam...." :D

[SC Cheesehead]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

[Bluerauder]

From an unknown source
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

...... overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency xxxx MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.

The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++

[SC Cheesehead]

When Ole quit farming, he moved into town, and he soon discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole.

"Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.

The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard.

The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"

[SC Cheesehead]

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet.
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your toothbrush.

[Wolfer]

This isn't a joke per say, but it's pretty funny.
The definition of political correctness:
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an un-
scrupulous mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!

[SC Cheesehead]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,'" she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

'Really?"he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"'Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein ...but my friends call me Bubba"

[jd319]

A man stops to ask directions from a farmer sitting on his porch and is amazed to see a three-legged pig sitting at the farmer's feet. "That's a weird-looking pig," the man says. The farmer is furious. "Don't you ever say anything bad about this pig!" he says. "Just last week my wife and I were sleeping, and a fire broke out. This pig dragged us both to safety. Last month a robber broke into the house. The pig knocked him down, dialed 911 with his snout and sat on him until the police arrived. So don't ever say anything bad about him."

"I'm sorry," the man says. "But what's the deal with the three legs?"

"Mister," the farmer says, "a pig like this you don't eat all at once."

[Dr Caleb]

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks
with the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs."

The old rancher says, " Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority
of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket
and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I
wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made
myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer
running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer
is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge! Show him your :censor: badge!"

[gonzo50]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS:

"Just try reading this without laughing till you cry"!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling..

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

[SC Cheesehead]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Damn, 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[SC Cheesehead]

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[SC Cheesehead]

There is a new study about 'new women" who are speaking up more and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat.............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.......


The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, at heart, he is a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for anyone else in the world!

[Bluerauder]

:laugh:


There is a new study about 'new women" who are speaking up more and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat.............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.......


The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, at heart, he is a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for anyone else in the world!


Remind me to tell you the Medical Professor joke about Involuntary Muscle Control on Thursday. :D

[SC Cheesehead]

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Kentucky, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."

[SC Cheesehead]

This one's especially for knine! :D

[CRC]

I saw this new housing addition while driving thru Edmond Oklahoma. I had to go back and snap a pic. Some developer really thinks he got one past the city's planning and zoning guys.

[TAKEDOWN]

^^^ lol! ^^^

[Pat]

^^^What am I missing here ^^^?

[Bluerauder]

:laugh: :laugh:

^^^What am I missing here ^^^?
Maybe you have forgotten Pat. ;)

Hint ..... here were his first two entries

Hard On Homestead
Erection Estates

[BurpyTurtle]

Found Kitten (http://killeen.craigslist.org/laf/1116547070.html)

[PantherP71]

^^^
:lol:

[BurpyTurtle]

Funny thing is, I've received 8 replies from people who took the ad seriously.

:D

[fastblackmerc]

SINGLE
http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/IMAGE.jpg

MARRIED
http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/IMAGE1.jpg

DIVORCED
http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/fastblackmerc/IMAGE2.jpg

[SC Cheesehead]

From the mouths of babes.....

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an *sshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.(Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

[SC Cheesehead]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[teamrope]

I was checking cruise lines because I heard the rates are very cheap right now.

I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania ).

The cost is a bit high @ 800 per person double occupancy but I didn't find that offensive. What I found encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons'
along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master blacksmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy
(4 days). All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.


$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)

M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95

Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 Com block ball ammo at 14.95

Barrett M-107 .50 Cal sniper riffle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 Cal armor piercing at 9.95

Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour ( spotting scope included).

Jesus Christ---- they even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads


"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."


Meals are not included but seem reasonable.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....

"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"


Sign my ars up!


They advertise group rates and corporate discounts...... and even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"
They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here's some text from the ad.


"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental charges and any unused ammo ( mini gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia . If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia . At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before Feb 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials


"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Lars , Hamburg Germany


"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 -PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English"
Ned, Salt Lake city , Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their *****y aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam" --"chopper'
Dan ----Toledo USA.


"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do.--- Zeke-Minnahaw Springs Kentucky USA

[Krytin]

I've always been a bit put-off by the whole "cruise" thing but this one looks like it could be fun!

[Haggis]

I've always been a bit put-off by the whole "cruise" thing but this one looks like it could be fun!

MVVIII - Marauders vs. Pirates winner takes all.

[oldekid]

Had to edit slightly, but it's still funny.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l120/JohnTrogdon/PoohandPiglet.jpg

[Ken]

You don’t even have to be a mother to enjoy this one.


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the Course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's "roommate” Jennifer was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About 2 week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
______________________________ _____
Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
______________________________ _____
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his
mother that read:
______________________________ _____

Dear Son,


I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

______________________________ _____

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[Krytin]

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Hack Goby]

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.


NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.




YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

[BritMarauder]

A guy goes to a doctors and says - every time I pee, it goes everywhere like a sprinkler!

The doc takes a look at it and says -

You play darts, don't you.

The guy says - Yes, how did you know?

The doc says - And you carry your darts around in your pocket, don't you.

The guy says - Yes, how did you know that?

The doc say - Well, it's full of holes, isn't it. Here, I'm writing down the name of a guy I want you to go and see.

The guy says - Excellent! Is he a specialist?

The doc says - No. He play's the flute - he'll show you how to hold it!

[SC Cheesehead]

p 011503z november 03 psn 740648j31 fm comnavsurforce san diego
ca//n001// to comphibgru nas key west fl//90// nas brunswick me//60//
nas keflavik ic//70// nas keflavik ic//50// cinclantflt norfolk
va//n11// cincpacflt pearl harbor hi//n1/n21/n11// alnavsurfpac
alnavsurflant vairwarcenwpndiv pt mugu ca//311200e/31410e//
navordsafsecact indian head md//n2// navordsafsecact essolant norfolk
va//n712a// namtragru pensacola fl//2206// usstratcom offutt afb
ne//j416// bt unclas

subj/ safe work practices in potentially flammable atmospheres//

msgid/genadmin/cnsf/-/may// rmks/

1. A petty officer was treated at a military treatment facility (mtf) after complaining of shortness of breath after working in an enclosed workspace with several other personnel. The dining facility had served a mexican meal for lunch,causing suspected high methane and sulfite levels in the atmosphere from the crew's flatulence.

2. Many navy personnel work in facilities and on ships where flatulence may exist, and,due to mission urgency, are not able to immediately vacate the space should the air become foul. This mishap serves as a strong reminder that the expression of flatulence can be extremely
dangerous in these areas, unless they are specifically listed as intrinsically safe. The navy has developed the following safe work practice to address this problem: Effective immediately, the practice of expelling flatulence, commonly referred to as "farting," "breaking wind," or "passing gas," is prohibited aboard all naval ships, boats, vehicles, aircraft, and shore installations.

3. This regulation applies not only to audible flatulence, or incidents that are claimed by their perpetrator, but also to covert events such as "deadly whispers," "cheek sneakers," "air dustings."

4. Unauthorized expulsion of flatulence is to be punished under the ucmj. "he who smelt it dealt it" is considered sufficient basis for prosecution. "i didn't know it was going to stink" or "i ate at the galley" is not to be accepted as an excuse for failure to control oneself.

5. Commands are instructed to ensure known gas producing foods are avoided at the dining facilities. Mexican themed meals, navy or baked beans, chili, cabbage, and egg salad are no longer authorized menu items.

6. The lighting of flatulence with any type of open flame is still prohibited.//

[MERCMAN]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.



After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting

across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"



He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These

are customer complaints."



Wish I could think so quickly

[Mr. Man]

So this horse walks up to the bar and the bartender says "So why the long face".
kills me every time.

[Beamer]

Two muffins were in the oven

The muffin on the right says "boy, its getting hot in here"
The muffin on the left says "holy S$(#, a talking muffin."

[Leadfoot281]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Leadfoot,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Dr Caleb]

http://www.youtube.com/v/lIDpCT1tOqE

[BruteForce]

http://www.youtube.com/v/lIDpCT1tOqE
Fixed it for you.
<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/lIDpCT1tOqE&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/lIDpCT1tOqE&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>

[Ken]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering
to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to
the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks..

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled,
he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure
enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and
three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
yells.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"

[SC Cheesehead]

http://cdn-i.dmdentertainment.com/funpages/cms_content/17488/tattoos1d.png

[Aren Jay]

..........

[Blk Mamba]

A Zebra stomped to death, by an elephant.

[fastblackmerc]

A man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant posted on a bulletin board.

Interested to learn more he asks the clerk- 'Can you give me some more details?'

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $45,000. If you're going to apply, you have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Oh, is that where the job is?' asks the young man.



















'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'

[SC Cheesehead]

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well...you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first...Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a lady upstairs who has never had sex...You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender...'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't trust your judgment
when alcohol is involved!
http://www.velocidad-maxima.com/forum/images/smilies/bailar2.gif

[fastblackmerc]

This one's for you Rex.

Ole, had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
"Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer."

Ole responded,
"Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said,
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was
just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's
answer and said to the lawyer,

"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said,

"How are you feeling?''

"Now, vat the hell vould YOU hav say?"

[SC Cheesehead]

:rofl: I love it!!

[SC Cheesehead]

A man and his wife walk into a dentist's office.

The man says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one big hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town, and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thinks to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

[SC Cheesehead]

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

[MERCMAN]

Classifieds

These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspapers - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out awhile.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything..

[SC Cheesehead]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'Posterior CLEAVAGE

[hamcheese]

Not quite a joke but funny.

This from a South African commercial for Gaviscon, an antacid.
It illustrates what can go wrong when someone who is ESL (English as a second language)
writes the punch line for the advertisement.

[Glenn]

In reference to Sarge who started this thread several years ago, can someone give us an update on how he is doing these days. Is he still into cars or not?

Glenn

[Joe Walsh]

All of us 'Old Farts' will like this:

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!


Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

[TiTo35]

Boy oh boy do i remember the 80s...and im not 30 yet! :up:

[MERCMAN]

http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

[Bluerauder]

All of us 'Old Farts' will like this:

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
You're right Joe. Hilarious AND True. Even funnier when you have kids that are over 30. :D

[SC Cheesehead]

Offered up as a public service to those un-attached folks....

[Dr Caleb]

Courtenay, BC detachment recently put this recording on their machine and whenever anybody calls the non emergency number, this is what they hear.

The public has enthusiastically endorsed this move.

(Sorry, I have to link it, it won't let me attach)

http://www.canadaka.net/forums/download/file.php?id=13478

[magindat]

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f*c|<ing
temperamental."

[CBT]

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f*c|<ing
temperamental."

Oh yeah, IBTL fo sho.

[Phrog_gunner]

Oh yeah, IBTL fo sho.

In before the HYDROlock.....

[SC Cheesehead]

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Ja, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Well hey dere! You're good at this and what about the tird one?' asks the Doctor..

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

Vell., wadda ya tink....

'I put drops in her eyes!!
.

[MERCMAN]

1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I
can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can
tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly
involves me.

3.Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.

4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to
drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint
and sticks when they've invented the lighter?


5. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when
I was younger.

6.Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it
wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would
magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we
all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.


7. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was
younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on
when I first saw it.


8. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

9. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each
hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

10.I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.

11.The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying
to finish a text.

12. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to
the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

13.Was learning cursive really necessary?

14. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing
else to say".

15.I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom
and hunger.


16. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street
smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers! (and thanks to truckers who help!)

19. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

20. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you
how the person died.

21. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in
the shower first and THEN turn on the water.


22. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of
tired.

23. Bad decisions make good stories


24. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier
every year?

25. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their
offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

26. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has
to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so
incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this
shouldn't be a problem....

27. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment
at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing
anything productive for the rest of the day.

28. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I
don't want to have to restart my collection.

29.There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you
are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30.I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it
asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that
I swear I did not make any changes to.


31.While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally
for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly
certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

32. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes
to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and
run away?

33. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then
not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.


34. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal
cruising speed for pedophiles...

35.As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate
cyclists. (and motorcycles!)

36. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.

37. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

38. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.


39. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know
what do to with it.

40. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on
the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

41.My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what
would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to
that?

42.It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com
and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

43.I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone
they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

44.I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

45.I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday
or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

46. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the
bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other
words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd
before dinner.

[Spectragod]

NWS!!!!!!!!!!! FTW, IBTL.....

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1919097

[Blk Mamba]

^^^^^^^ That is the funniest ***** I have ever seen, wish I knew Kevin.

[MERCMAN]

Here we go :rofl:

[Bigdogjim]

Hey what size you want?

[SC Cheesehead]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Alabama was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators

[ledzilla]

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching,
or slapping someone that you work with...

You need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing
that crosses your mind is, "What the h*** does she want now?",
and you try to hide under your desk...

You need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, "Office meeting in 5
minutes," and you think, "What the f*** do they want now?"...

You need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and come back to find a
mountain of paperwork stting on your desk because no one
else would do it and you think "sorry a** m***** f******"...

You need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than "hello" or "how are you doing?"
to someone because you know it's going to lead to the whole
f****** life story...

You need to pray at work.

When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good
morning" to everyone and you think "Somebody needs to slap
the s*** out of her"...

You need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to
say, "Which one of you sons of b****** turned off my computer?"...

You need to pray at work.

When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a
third person comes in and says, "Well, at my last office.." and
you want to say, "Who the f*** cares?"...

You need to pray at work.

When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone
who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to
go DOWN one floor, and you say, "That lazy b****!"...

You need to pray at work.

If you know all the words that have been bleeped out...

You DEFINTIELY need to pray at work.

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS

[SC Cheesehead]

I can relate...

[teamrope]

Just how bad IS the economy?

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries and a shake with that?”

The economy is so bad that CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally…

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Fight organized crime: Re-elect no one!!!

[twin03]

Ha, Ha,Ha,

[SC Cheesehead]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did..

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "It when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."

[MERCMAN]

Two Brazilian Men
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing
"That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"... So how many is a Brazilian?"

[MERCMAN]

Near my home town of New Braunfels, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a rancher walking down a country road notices a man using his right hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher shouted: “ Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.” Which means: (“Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh** in it.”)

The man shouted back: I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English.”


The rancher replied: “Use both hands. You'll get more.”

[Spectragod]

A boy and his family went fishing and caught a lot of fish. They take them home and have some for dinner. The father thought they were so good, that he said, "Those were the best sons-of-bitches I've ever tasted! Maybe we should take some to the priest!"

The next day the boy goes to the priest of their church and says, "Father, you gotta try these fish! They're the best sons-of-bitches you've ever eaten!"

The priest is shocked by the little boys language and says, "In all my years working as a priest in the house of God, I've never heard so vile language!"

The boy responds, "No, it's ok father, that's just the name of the fish!"

The priest then replied, "Well, I if that's the name of the fish, I guess that's ok. I'll take some home and try it!"

He takes some of the fish home with him, has it for dinner and finds that they are indeed the best fish he'd ever eaten. So much so that the invites the bishop over for dinner the next night

After dinner with the bishop, the priest says, "Those were the best sons-of-bitches I've ever eaten!"

The bishop turned to him and said, "I've known you for 20 years and I've never heard you speak like that!"

The priest replied, "It's ok, that's just the name of the fish!"

The bishop says, "Well, if that's the name of the fish, I guess that's ok. Say, the Pope is coming over for dinner next Sunday. Can we get some more fish? I'm sure he'll enjoy them as much as we did."

The following Sunday after dinner, the priest says, "Boy if those weren't the best sons-of-bitches I've ever had."

The bishop says, "Those were indeed the best sons-of-bitches I've ever eaten!"

The Pope sets down his knife and fork, turns to the priest and bishop and says, "You know, you mother-f*#kers are alright!"

[Mr. Man]

Hate to see what your penance will be Spectragod:D

[SC Cheesehead]

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

8. If it won't work, force it. If that doesn't work, get a bigger hammer.

9. Never take a laxative and sleeping pill at the same time.

10. You can disregard the expiration date on sour cream.

Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[Leadfoot281]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

You must be in IT," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[BruteForce]

...you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

2 x LOL! Ain't it the truth!

[SC Cheesehead]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited l*sbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[rickey1987]

So when fantastic 4:rise of the silver surfer came out, me and my fiance

went to see it. We're sitting there about an hour into the movie when she

says, (WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?!! I said: Fantastic 4, She said: OMG WE

NEVER EVEN SEEN THE FIRST 3!!!WHY DO WE HAVE TO SEE THE 4TH

ONE?!!!!) The movie was packed, so i looked around hoping nobody heard

her and told her not to speak for the rest of the movie LMAO!!! HAHA its a

good thing i love her

[Haggis]

So when fantastic 4:rise of the silver surfer came out, me and my fiance

went to see it. We're sitting there about an hour into the movie when she

says, (WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?!! I said: Fantastic 4, She said: OMG WE

NEVER EVEN SEEN THE FIRST 3!!!WHY DO WE HAVE TO SEE THE 4TH

ONE?!!!!) The movie was packed, so i looked around hoping nobody heard

her and told her not to speak for the rest of the movie LMAO!!! HAHA its a

good thing i love her

You mean I missed two out of the four...:mad2:

[rickey1987]

You mean I missed two out of the four...:mad2:
Yea isn't it crazy how she figures things out? lol

She says some pretty dumb things and her name is Thea so I call these

moments Thea-ism's

[RacerX]

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world that understand binary...:D

[SC Cheesehead]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

"Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed."What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

[dakslim]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited l*sbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."


OooRah!!!!!:D

[MM03MOK]

:laugh: Good one, Mike, I had to share! :laugh:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WALMART.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local WALMART.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Mr. Man]

God forbid Bob has any fun:D

[SC Cheesehead]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?", asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Mr. Man]

Good one Rexie!!

[Joe Walsh]

TIGER WOODS JOKES:

What is the difference between Tiger and Santa?

Santa stops at 3 Ho's.


What is the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade?

Tiger can drive a golf ball.


'Tiger' should change his name to:

'Lion Cheetah'!


What are the similarities between Tiger and fur seals?

They both get beaten by Norwegians!


NIKE has a new slogan..."Just Do Me!"


Tiger crashed into a tree and a fire hydrant because he couldn't decide between a wood or an iron.

[SC Cheesehead]

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."

Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals.

The tabloids are chock full of stories about Tiger Woods and various women. He wrote on his Web site today that he was guilty of 'transgressions' - which is a classy way of saying some of his foursomes were actually threesomes.

[MM03MOK]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a Nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, ....

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[MERCMAN]

Subject: Company Christmas Party...

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 12, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lighted at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's wallets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November13, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 16, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

Read it from top to bottom – so not like a regular email chain. Don’t forget to read the subject of each memo as you go along!




REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November16, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?! ?

Patty


Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: November 17, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 17, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[Mr. Man]

I'd just assume have the day off with pay. Company holiday parties suck anyways. Bah Humbug

[SC Cheesehead]

http://www.google.com/images?q=tbn:KI8QSjOWHzIVYM::t hemiddleoffice.files.wordpress .com/2009/05/glass_half_full1.jpg&t=1&h=196&w=161&usg=__LksNOvoKXn1igCxk6re_CPkf SJ0= (http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://themiddleoffice.files.wordpres s.com/2009/05/glass_half_full1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://themiddleoffice.wordpress.com/2009/05/21/latest-value-note-study-on-lpo-use-at-law-firms/&h=425&w=350&sz=9&tbnid=KI8QSjOWHzIVYM:&tbnh=248&tbnw=204&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dhalf%2Bfull%2Bhal f%2Bempty%2Bphoto&hl=en&usg=__jReJYzTEqxgNuwDKBFqcCKSO R0o=&ei=8wkxS8PoIc2GkAWx7cHzCA&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=1&ct=image&ved=0CAcQ9QEwAA)

The Pessimist complains the glass is half empty.

The Optimist notes the glass is half full.

The Engineer wonders why the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.

[Bluerauder]

I'd just assume have the day off with pay. Company holiday parties suck anyways. Bah Humbug

as soon ???

Remind me to tell you about my company. I wouldn't miss their party and haven't for the past 18 years.

[Mr. Man]

as soon ???

Remind me to tell you about my company. I wouldn't miss their party and haven't for the past 18 years.

Open bars and scantily clad women at Holiday parties like yours are a rarity these days:D

[SC Cheesehead]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[fastblackmerc]

The economy is soooo bad that............


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

[Mike]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first
woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave
him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever been kissed?" The man said, "No,"
so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been fu#ked?"

The fellow's eyes lit up, and with a big grin he said, "No."

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

[justbob]

This economy is so bad that.....


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[CBT]

This economy is so bad that.....


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Dibs on yer floormats.:beer:

[Mike]

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found
the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to
learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress
as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange
it, but she refused. Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in
this dress, and I'm wearing it, she replied. Jennifer told her mother
who graciously said, never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress.
After all, it's your special day. A few days later, they went shopping
and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch,
Jennifer asked her mother, Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her
mother just smiled and replied, of course I do dear, I'm wearing it to
The rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.

[SC Cheesehead]

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger thinking that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

:geezer: = :banana:

[Krytin]

LOL!

I don't get it?!!



What did you say?




Where am I?




Who are you?

[Pops]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.


One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's
stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'


The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.


Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.


Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'


The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

( It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

[SC Cheesehead]

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

:geezer: rule! :up:

[fastblackmerc]

------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

[SC Cheesehead]

Granpa got a notice from the IRS that he was going to be audited. The IRS auditor wasn't surprised when granpa showed up at his office with his attorney.

The auditor told Granpa that the IRS couldn't believe that he could have so little income when he was living such a wealthy lifestyle. Granpa told the auditor "...I have a lot of money because I am a very good gambler".

The auditor looked at Granpa and shook his head in disbelief. Granpa said "let me give you an example". The auditor thought to himself-- what can it hurt to let him try to show me?Granpa says "I bet you $1000. I can bite my left eye with my teeth". The auditor says "that is ridiculous, no one can do that!! I'll take your bet."

So Granpa pulls out his glass eye and puts it between his teeth and bites as the auditor looks on in disbelief. Then Granpa says "I bet you $2000. I can bite the other eye with my teeth." The auditor says "Well, I know you aren't blind so there is no way you can do that. I'll take your bet." Granpa pulls out his false teeth and puts them up and bites his other eye.

Now the auditor is really feeling stupid. He has sat here and lost $3000 to this old man and Granpa's lawyer has been here to witness. So, knowing the auditor feels bad, Granpa says "I'll go double or nothing with you. I'll stand on one side of your desk and pee into the waste basket on the opposite side of your desk with out getting one drop of pee anywhere but into that waste basket. If I do it you owe me $6000, if not you owe me nothing."

The auditor figures there is no way this old man can possibly do that, so he says "I'll take your bet. Double or nothing."

So Granpa gets on the opposite side of the desk as the waste basket and he gets all ready and starts peeing, but all of the pee goes all over the auditor's desk and not one drop goes into the waste basket! The auditor is just ecstatic. Granpa couldn't do it, so now he doesn't have to worry about paying this old man $6000.

Then the auditor notices Granpa's lawyer is holding his head in his hands and is turning beet red. The auditor says to Granpa's lawyer "What is wrong with you, why are you so upset?"

Granpa's lawyer looks up at the auditor and says "before Granpa and I came in here today, Granpa bet me $25,000. that he could come into your office and piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it!"

The audit was over.


Geezers rule!! :geezer:

[fastblackmerc]

Serious deer hunter --- only in Minnesota

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near County highway 2 south of Swift, Minnesota , early one cold opening morning.

Suddenly, a huge non-typical buck walked out over the corn they had just spread in the field with a tailgate feeder. Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leupold scope on his .243 at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly by.

The hunter pulled away from the gun stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 38 years."

[Bigdogjim]

Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"..

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."