Joke of the day

[Spectragod]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my




MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

[tomd]

your sick! lol :D

[Spectragod]

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable
plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going
to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[fastblackmerc]

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Chevrolet dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman,KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
FromKansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She's a probation officer in Wichita,KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas CountySheriff's office, no less.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us .... and they VOTE and REPRODUCE

[MiltownCvLx]

If at first you dont succeed then dont go skydiving.

[Spectragod]

During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde secretary was using the following password:


"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDewe yDonaldGoofySacramento"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told her password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[Spectragod]

An Israeli doctor says,



"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."



A German doctor says,



"That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."



A Russian doctor says.



"In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."



An ILLINOIS doctor, says.


"You guys are way behind.

We recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS , put him in the White House and within SIX MONTHS, half the COUNTRY is looking for work."




















. (http://clk.atdmt.com/GBL/go/196390706/direct/01/)

[ntd]

"Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart. (they were ON SALE) for my 2 dogs. I was about to check out when a women behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think I had? An elephant.)

Since I had little else to do, and I'm pretty much an a-hole, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my balls and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.....WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[SC Cheesehead]

I'm getting one for every room in the house.

[Marauderman]

I'm getting one for every room in the house.

............ah shucks...........the corn is outta the bag now Rex......can't use that one no more...........:lol:;)

[Spectragod]

..........

[SC Cheesehead]

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi" don't open it.

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

[CBT]

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi" don't open it.

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

Forward me that ****.

[CBT]

Texas Bank Robber

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load
a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor
in silence.

The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was
plainly afraid to speak. ...Then one old man tentatively raised his hand
and said, "My wife got a good look at you."

[SC Cheesehead]

Forward me that ****.


"That's a joke, son, a flag-waver! You're built too low. The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em! Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball! Eye. Ball. Eyeball! I almost had a gag, son--a joke, that is!" - Foghorn P. Leghorn

[CBT]

"That's a joke, son, a flag-waver! You're built too low. The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em! Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball! Eye. Ball. Eyeball! I almost had a gag, son--a joke, that is!" - Foghorn P. Leghorn
Why that's I say that's not funny, now!

[rookie1]

The secretary goes to to the HR director and tells him she wants to file a sexual harassment complaint. The HR director asks her what the trouble is and she says that the new file boy walks past her 4-5 times a day and says "your hair smells nice" every time he walks past. The HR director says "I'll be honest with you, that doesn't doesn't seem so out of line am I missing something? She looks at him in disbelief and says:

"He's a midget"

[SC Cheesehead]

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." — Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." — US Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons." — General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." — U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." — U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." — Infantry Journal

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. — Basic Flight Training Manual

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." — Maritime Ops Manual

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." — Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." — USAF Ammo Troop

"You've never been lost until you"ve been lost at Mach 3." — Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." —Unknown Author

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe." — Fixed Wing Pilot

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." — Multi-Engine Training Manual

"Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club." — Unknown Author

"If you hear me yell; 'Eject, Eject, Eject!,' the last two will be echos. If you stop to ask 'Why?' you"ll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot." — Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." — Sign over Control Tower Door

"Never trade luck for skill." — Author Unknown

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." — Basic Flight Training Manual

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation — we have never left one up there!" — Unknown Author

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." — Emergency Checklist

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." — Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." — Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." — Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." — Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot"s reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

[MERCMAN]

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier
because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass
or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five
guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It
ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church
directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's
Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if …
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if …
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!

[SC Cheesehead]

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "we can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. . . The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"

[SideshowBob]

Indian & Coffee


An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun

in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the
other.

He says to the waiter:


'Want coffee.'


The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right
up.'



He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,

turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,

causing parts of the animal to splatter
everywhere

and then just walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling

another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to

the waiter


'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?'



The Indian smiles and proudly says .....


'Training for position in United States
Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,

leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day.

[MERCMAN]

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=SfPgSzcu9RY

[Pat]

An older cat expended his nine lives and upon arrival in heaven was asked what he wanted most. He said that he always had to sleep on hard floors. So the cat was presented with a big soft fluffy pillow to recline and sleep.

A certain batch of mice also arrived in heaven and were asked
what they wanted most. They replied that all that scurrying around had worn out their feet. So they were all fitted with roller skates.

After a while the chief Angel checked on the cat and asked about his new pillow.
The cat said that he enjoyed it very much and thought it was a nice touch that heaven also provided meals on wheels.

[SC Cheesehead]

One dark night outside a small town in northern Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed over to the fire chief. "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact!"

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. In the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian Rural Township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians well over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant and, without even slowing down, drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on video, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"'Vell," said Ole Olson, the 80-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat f***ing truck!"

[SC Cheesehead]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A friend of a friend put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plot, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)

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"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for a $1.00 @ WAL-MART!"

[CBT]

Rex Rex Rex:shake:

[Phrog_gunner]

Rex Rex Rex:shake:

I hope our jokes aren't that bad when we get that old.

[SC Cheesehead]

What? :dunno: ------> :D

[CBT]

I hope our jokes aren't that bad when we get that old.
I can't wait to start losing my memory, these old jokes will seem new, and will be funny all over again. Plus, they will be funny all over again.

[dakslim]

I can't wait to start losing my memory, these old jokes will seem new, and will be funny all over again. Plus, they will be funny all over again.

Groan!!!!!:(

[SC Cheesehead]

I can't wait to start losing my memory, these old jokes will seem new, and will be funny all over again. Plus, they will be funny all over again.


http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/yhst-78359274419338_2092_158867849 (javascript:EnlargeImage())

[Haggis]

I can't wait to start losing my memory, these old jokes will seem new, and will be funny all over again. Plus, they will be funny all over again.

What jokes?

[SC Cheesehead]

What jokes?

Who are you, and why are you talking to me?

[Haggis]

Who are you, and why are you talking to me?

What's that suppose to mean?

[CBT]

So then the farmer says "Daughter? I don't have a daughter!" HAHAhahaha!! Boy, I tell ya. Where am I.

[dakslim]

I can't wait to start losing my memory, these old jokes will seem new, and will be funny all over again. Plus, they will be funny all over again.

The "youts" are starting up agin', I see.:mad2:

[SC Cheesehead]

What's that suppose to mean?

What is this place and why am I here?

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." - Robert McCloskey

[Haggis]

What is this place and why am I here?

Its a secret, shhhhh.

[dakslim]

Its a secret, shhhhh.

Huh? Did I miss somehting? What's secret?:confused:

[SC Cheesehead]

Huh? Did I miss somehting? What's secret?:confused:


Who are you, and where did you come from? :confused:

[Haggis]

Who are you, and where did you come from? :confused:

That's what she said.

[SC Cheesehead]

That's what she said.

Exactly.

Now what were we talking about? :dunno:

[Haggis]

Exactly.

Now what were we talking about? :dunno:

Whom were we talking about?

[CBT]

Where. Were. We. Talking. About. It. ?

[Haggis]

Where. Were. We. Talking. About. It. ?

Talking about what?

[dakslim]

Talking about what?

Huh?.........

[CBT]

Talking about what?
I don't know. But I like turtles.

[Haggis]

I don't know. But I like burping turtles.


What?????
....

[CBT]

Who wants pie?
19109

[dakslim]

I don't know. But I like turtles.

Why, 'cause they are hard?:confused:

[CBT]

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?

A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.



Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The
other is for housing prisoners.

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers

[SC Cheesehead]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nortdakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nortdakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis cow over in Nortdakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. How did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nortdakota.'

[Ozark Marauder]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. I then saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Makers Mark and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

[SC Cheesehead]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[tomd]

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.


I like that one too! LOL!

[SC Cheesehead]

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.


I like that one too! LOL!

Actually, sounds like something you'd normally hear from Doomie...:D

[Mike]

> A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
> > bed
> > was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope,
> > propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With
> > the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and
> > read the letter.
> >
> > Dear Dad:
> >
> > It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
> > with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
> > you.
> > I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
> > But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
> > tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
> > than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
> > Stacy said that we will be very happy.
> > She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
> > whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
> > Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
> > anyone.
> > We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
> > that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
> > In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
> > Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
> > Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
> > Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
> > know your grandchildren.
> >
> > Love, Your Son John
> >
> > PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just
> > wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report
> > card That's in my center desk drawer. Love you, and call me when it's
> > safe to come home.

[Mr. Man]

Two blondes walk into a building.

You would think one of the two would have seen it.

[SC Cheesehead]

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia
Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

[ntd]

A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[LeoVampire]

Honda Service call!



http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0geu98vqrZLsiQBxgNXNyoA; _ylu=X3oDMTEzYmpsYnY5BHNlYwNzc gRwb3MDMgRjb2xvA2FjMgR2dGlkA0Y 4MjRfMTE3/SIG=120fa1k70/EXP=1270348719/**http%3a//www.youtube.com/watch%3fv=6yzRhcSWjx0

[Blk Mamba]

That sounds like Wanda Sykes

[SC Cheesehead]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[LeoVampire]

:lol:


The young never seem to learn that fact!

"Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid."

[SC Cheesehead]

:lol:


The young never seem to learn that fact!

"Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid."

For sure, Leo!

An old German saying:

"Alter und Tücke besiegen Jugend und Können"

translated:

"Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill." ;)

[SC Cheesehead]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

To which she replies, 'Only when he's been drinking.'

[LeoVampire]

That is one way of getting her husband back for years of being stuck with him!!

:lol:

[BruteForce]

Ever seen one of these?
<object width="960" height="745"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/TYvwo5apEEE&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/TYvwo5apEEE&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="960" height="745"></embed></object>

[Spectragod]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Spectragod]

Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.


He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret wish & longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.


Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard.


'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.


'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.


Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,


Climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.


He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?


'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'


Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again,


He discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.


Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?


'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'


Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: Are you Mohammed?...' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.



'No, my son....I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee..?'


'Yes! Please, my Lord'


God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey Mohammed-- two coffees!'



Keep your trust in God; Your government has failed you miserably.

[dakslim]

What's better than 4 Roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ.

[SC Cheesehead]

Several signs seen recently:


A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.


Sign in the Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


No wonder you always go home alone.


Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s , CA



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Express Lane:
Five beers or less


Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

[Mr. Man]

A blonde goes to see her doctor complaining of weakness, weird cravings and nausea. The doctor takes a look at her and smiles "Miss you are pregnant" he tells her. She replies "How can I be sure it's mine?"

[SC Cheesehead]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

[CBT]

Oh, snap!:P


Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.


He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret wish & longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.


Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard.


'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.


'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.


Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,


Climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.


He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?


'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'


Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again,


He discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.


Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?


'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'


Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: Are you Mohammed?...' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.



'No, my son....I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee..?'


'Yes! Please, my Lord'


God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey Mohammed-- two coffees!'



Keep your trust in God; Your government has failed you miserably.

[LeoVampire]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"



:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[CBT]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat!"

[SC Cheesehead]

To: Jessie James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth is shadowed only by Oprah. Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls, and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porking away with tattooed Bimbos.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated ******* cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of **** that you are...
Thanks for taking the heat off of me... Lets do lunch.

~Tiger

[Leadfoot281]

An elderly,(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[dakslim]

What's better than four roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ.

[CBT]

What's better than four roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ.
This is just as un-funny as when you posted it on the 10th. (Post 1821) Kapow.

[dakslim]

This is just as un-funny as when you posted it on the 10th. (Post 1821) Kapow.

Oh, crap...senior moment.:P

[CBT]

Oh, crap...senior moment.:P

You can't remember 17 days ago, hmmm....I guess you also forgot that 500 bucks I loaned you?:D

[SC Cheesehead]

You can't remember 17 days ago, hmmm....I guess you also forgot that 500 bucks I loaned you?:D

Yeah, same thing I've got for the grand he owes me...;)

[dakslim]

Lissen guys...I'll get youse the money when I get it...really!

[SC Cheesehead]

Lissen guys...I'll get youse the money when I get it...really!


Well, this is a step in the right direction Casey, at least he remembers that he owes us.

Wait a minute, now that I think of it, I loaned him $1,500, not a grand. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket! :D

[CBT]

Well, this is a step in the right direction Casey, at least he remembers that he owes us.

Wait a minute, now that I think of it, I loaned him $1,500, not a grand. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket! :D
He borrowed my supercharged Marauder. I hope he didn't misplace it :cool:

[SC Cheesehead]

He borrowed my supercharged Marauder. I hope he didn't misplace it :cool:


Shoot, that's nothing! He's got my spare LCM, a 3,000 rpm TC, a set of LT headers, a new Pioneer AV system and a set of trunk mounted air horns that he's supposed to get back to me one of these days.

Starting to get worried...:depress:

[CBT]

Shoot, that's nothing! He's got my spare LCM, a 3,000 rpm TC, a set of LT headers, a new Pioneer AV system and a set of trunk mounted air horns that he's supposed to get back to me one of these days.

Starting to get worried...:depress:

I saw him carrying that stuff into a pawn shop....:eek:

[MERCMAN]

There was this small church down in Texas that had
a very big-busted Organist.
Her breasts were so huge they bounced and jiggled
while she played the organ. Unfortunately,
she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this
or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly
and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and
rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe
they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat
any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they
are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and
you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning
the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to Thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not
hath a thermon tewday.'

[CBT]

Yep, we are all going to Hell :rolleyes:


There was this small church down in Texas that had
a very big-busted Organist.
Her breasts were so huge they bounced and jiggled
while she played the organ. Unfortunately,
she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this
or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly
and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and
rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe
they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat
any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they
are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and
you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning
the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to Thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not
hath a thermon tewday.'

[dakslim]

What's better than four roses....aw never mind.

[Haggis]

what's better than four roses....aw never mind........




Boom!!!!!

[CBT]

What's better than four roses....aw never mind.
made me lol :lol:

[SC Cheesehead]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says....

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ...every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don' forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees.

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

[Mr. Man]

Groan :shake::shake:;)

[dakslim]

Groan :shake::shake:;)

+1...^^^ Double groan!:eek::(:P:bigcry:

[SC Cheesehead]

Youse guys just don't appreciate the art of true humor...

[Mr. Man]

Youse guys just don't appreciate the art of true humor...Guess they can't all be gems Rex:)

[SC Cheesehead]

Guess they can't all be gems Rex:)

Who, you guys or my jokes? :dunno:

[LeoVampire]

TO CALL THE POLICEWHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. (http://www.mastiz.net/games)
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , wasgoing up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on inthe garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You shouldlock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" (http://www.mastiz.net/games)


George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (http://www.mastiz.net/games)


(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people. (http://www.mastiz.net/games)

[dakslim]

TO CALL THE POLICEWHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. (http://www.mastiz.net/games)
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , wasgoing up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on inthe garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You shouldlock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" (http://www.mastiz.net/games)


George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (http://www.mastiz.net/games)


(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people. (http://www.mastiz.net/games)

LMAO...don't mess with the "Geezer Gang"!!!!:geezer:

[SC Cheesehead]

LMAO...don't mess with the "Geezer Gang"!!!!:geezer:


[/URL]http://www.northernsun.com/images/imagelarge/Old-Not-Sissies-Man-Poster-(4158).jpg[URL="http://www.oldguysgear.com/product_info.php/cPath/32/products_id/218"] (http://www.oldguysgear.com/product_info.php/cPath/4/products_id/161)

[SC Cheesehead]

I was out shopping yesterday for a new ride. Just for fun, I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that Escalade "feel" before they become extinct through even more mismanagement by the government...

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car.

I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...

[dakslim]

I was out shopping yesterday for a new ride. Just for fun, I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that Escalade "feel" before they become extinct through even more mismanagement by the government...

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car.

I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...


MUCH better than the last one...LMAO

[PonyUP]

What do you call Viagra for women?.....Jewelery

[Paul T. Casey]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Barack, don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

[SC Cheesehead]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Barack, don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"




Ooooooh SNAP! Can they lock down JOTD?

[Dr Caleb]

Problem solving. The answer is at the bottom.


You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you ...

In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it .

Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you .

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?
















* Get off the merry-go-round, you're too drunk. *

[Haggis]

Problem solving. The answer is at the bottom.


You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you ...

In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it .

Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you .

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?
















* Get off the merry-go-round, you're too drunk. *

Most Merry-go-rounds I have seen turn in a counterclockwise direction putting the ground on your right, not your left. You must really be drunk to be riding it backwards and going in reverse.

[SC Cheesehead]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing---- "

[Mr. Man]

Didn't this ^^^^^^get posted like a week ago? FAIL :down:

[SC Cheesehead]

Didn't this ^^^^^^get posted like a week ago? FAIL :down:

I dunno, maybe so; I'm old, CRS...

[Mr. Man]

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.
They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!":xtree:

[de minimus]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good

manners, asked her students the following question:



'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,

how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'



Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'



The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'



Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.'



'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom

at the dinner table.



And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us

your good manners?'



Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a

moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I

hope to introduce you to after dinner.'



The teacher fainted...

[PonyUP]

3 business travelers are sitting in a bar discussing stories of their travels.

The first man tells a story of a time he needed to fly to Pittsburgh. As he walked up to the ticket counter, he peered down at the cleavage of the the gorgeous blonde behind the counter. While meaning to say, "I'd like to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh" the traveler instead said "I would like to buy a picket to titsburgh"

The three men laughed and the unfortunate faux pa. At this moment another gentlemen chimed in and said

"That's nothing, the other morning I was sitting at the rbeakfast table with my wife. She had cooked a wonderful breakfast. I had meant to say 'honey would you please pass the butter' but instead I said 'you stupid b*t*h you ruined my life."

[Spectragod]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S..'

[babbage]

why was the math book depressed?





because it had so many problems...

[Mr. Man]

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear (http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/gutfart.html#), pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
:D:beer::lol:



http://txt.playsushi.com/hks.php?p=MjA0MTQ2NjQwfDEyNzM0 MDc1NDN8NzY%3D&cks=2927499_34417_T&t=1

http://txt.playsushi.com/imp.php?p=MjA0MTQ2NjQwfDI5Mjc0 OTl8MzQ0MTd8VHx8MTI3MzQwNzU0M3 wxMTk%3D

[fastblackmerc]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out..
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. (My favorite) You no longer have to be nice to people you really don’t like.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[SC Cheesehead]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Refer to post #1869...

[SC Cheesehead]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

"Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.

[Mr. Man]

The Pony

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" :beer:

Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"

"May I please have a drink?" :beer:

"What? You have to speak up!"

"Could I please have a drink?" :beer:

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse.":eek:

[quota]

Why is it that Indians were the first ones in the place ?

Well, they had a reservation.

[kernie]

OK ,these are old, you may have heard them, but they are a couple of my faves,

Why do the ladies allways wear tampons when parachuting?
So they don't whistle.


Why did the cavemen allways drag the girls by thier hair?
They didn't want to fill them with dirt.


Yes i know, calling them my faves says something about me.
:o

[MERCMAN]

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

[SC Cheesehead]

Steve and Carole are shopping at Wal-Mart. Steve picks up a case of Bud Light and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks Carole.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands Carole, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along Carole picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks Steve.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies Carole.

Steve replies: 'So does 24 cans of Bud Light, and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 5, we have a man down.'

[bigcowl-imp]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!

[LeoVampire]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!


This was a good one loved it thanks for posting! :lol:

[JamesHecker]

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
#1. Governor starts to intervene and gets bit, then reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 to relocate it.
#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.
#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Wildlife Services conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Arizona:
#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. She has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.


Any wonder why California is broke?

[ntd]

This just in BP stopped the oil flow.

how you say, they put a wedding band on the pipe and it stopped putting out:P

[gdsqdcr]

Pilot Error -- Funny Stuff!
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.
How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
" Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English):
"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Spectragod]

The Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so
slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If
you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
(P.S. I didn't see that one coming, either.)

[SC Cheesehead]

NEWS FLASH! BP TO STOP USING CAJUNS FOR GULF CLEAN UP EFFORT!

After initially hiring Boudreaux, Thibodeaux and Fonteneau to do some contract clean up work along the gulf coast, BP has decided to terminate their services.

According to BP sources, the three were contracted to drive down to Fourchon and clean any Pelicans that came to shore. A supervisory check by a BP manager this morning discovered that Boudreaux had cleaned and skinned 423 of them, Thibodeaux was busy making a roux, Founteneu had agreed to make some rice, and that the neighbors were on their way over...

[FreddieH]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday..'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. she chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

[PonyUP]

A rich guy and a poor guy are in abar talking about the presents they got their wives for Christmas.
Poor Guy: So what di you get your wife
Rich Guy: I bought her a Diamond Necklace and a Mercedes
Poor Guy: You bought her a necklace and a Mercedes? Why?
Rich Guy: Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can drive it back in a beautiful car and get what she wants. What did you get your wife?
Poor Guy: I got her a pair of slippers and a dild*
Rich Guy: Why the slippers and the sexual toy
PoorGuy: Cause if she don't like the slippers, she can go F herself

[FreddieH]

'til the End !




The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'



The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.



'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'


After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.


They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.


After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'


'Because I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'


And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...


Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your a*s is disconnected.

[FreddieH]

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's reassurance to those of us who fly routinely

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident...

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you 're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

[Dr Caleb]

http://www.canadaka.net/forums/download/file.php?id=16168

[SC Cheesehead]

http://ssomail.charter.net/do/mail/message/document.jpg;jsessionid=abcV0Q CQrpOMn-pFVPQNs?msgId=INBOXDELIM56055&part=2.11

[Joe Walsh]

Little Johnny understands the program and will do well as a capitalist.....and even better as a politician!

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing;

"Hey, this tastes like dog $h*t!"

Then I would say,"It is dog $h*t!

Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something $hi*ty for free,
and then making you pay to get the $hi*ty taste out of your mouth."

[SC Cheesehead]

:laugh: jocularity!



"I used the governmental approach of giving you something $hi*ty for free,
and then making you pay to get the $hi*ty taste out of your mouth."

[SC Cheesehead]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[PonyUP]

Why did the Hot Blonde have a red belly button?

their boyfriends are stupid too

[Ken]

A husband and wife take their 7 yr old son on vacation, to a nude beach. As they walked along beach he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs that were much bigger than his mothers. So he asked her 'why'? Quickly she said to him 'The bigger they are, the dumber the lady is'. Pleased with the answer he goes to play in the ocean with his father. Shortly he returns to tell her that many of the men on the beach had larger willies than his father. His mother replied, 'The bigger it is, the dumber the man is.' Again satisfied with her answer he goes back to the ocean to play. Pretty soon the boy returns and quickly tells his mother 'Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach! And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!'

[Spectragod]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room jerking-off. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

[Spectragod]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71..

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota
, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much
of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at
times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll
model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough,
Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone
else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

[Mr. Man]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?” The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.”

Teach them not to mess with the geezer gang:D

[LeoVampire]

Little Johnny understands the program and will do well as a capitalist.....and even better as a politician!

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES


They all said the same thing;

"Hey, this tastes like dog $h*t!"

Then I would say,"It is dog $h*t!

Wanna buy a toothbrush?"




:lol: :rofl: :laugh:

[Joe Walsh]

What is a blonde doing while driving down the road, hanging her head out of the window, and holding her mouth wide open?





Refilling.

[Leadfoot281]

A good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the b1tch!


AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

[Krytin]

Now THAT^^^^^ was funny!!!
ROFLMAO

[Mr. Man]

A man washed up on a desert island after a shipwreck. The only other survivors were a sheep and a sheepdog.
The three of them got into the habit of going down to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.
That evening, the man took Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful tropical evening – perfect for romance. Before long the man started to get “those feelings” again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in, moved closer to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.
Nancy batted her long, lovely eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do to help.
“Yes,” he said, “Take the dog for a walk.”:D

[Krytin]

Ok, THAT^^^^^ was even funnier!!

[SC Cheesehead]

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or in Congress is this --you cannot post 'Thou Shall Not Steal' 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of politicians ....it creates a hostile work environment.

[Dr Caleb]

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2010/08/02/gulf-states-order-blackberry-users-to-cover-their-phones-in-a-tiny-burqa/

[Mr. Man]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Walmart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

[Haggis]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Walmart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Hey, I've rode those Wally-world horse before and they are dangerous!

[Mr. Man]

Hey, I've rode those Wally-world horse before and they are dangerous!
If you were blonde it would explain a lot too:D:P:lol:

[Spectragod]

Marine Corps Rules:

01. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
02. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
03. Have a plan.
04. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
05. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
06. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
07. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
08. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
09. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who
lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

Go Navy!
****************************** ********

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.)

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East . (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' [Both English and Arabic versions]
5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions]
7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the FiringRange at 0800 Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

[MERCMAN]

World's Shortest Books
______________________________ ___


THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

______________________________ ______________


MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS


by Tiger Woods

______________________________ ______________


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
______________________________ __________


MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________________________ ________


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton
_________________


Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton
_________________


THINGS I CAN NOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates
______________________________ ______


THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman
______________________________ ___

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry
______________________________ _______

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

by Amelia Earhart

______________________________ ____


HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
______________________________ ____

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

______________________________ ______________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson
______________________________ ____


THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________________________ _________


MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson
______________________________ ___________


HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

by Ted Kennedy

______________________________ ___________________


MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction by

the Rev. Jesse Jackson


****************************** *************************

AND, JUST ADDED:


My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

by Nancy Pelosi

[SC Cheesehead]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[SC Cheesehead]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. .
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

[Pat]

Dem's Vs Repub's.....

Not to worry our real problem may lie in the younger generation, to wit.......

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United Sates. It is pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

However, one girl in the class immediately started a rant on how unfair the natural born citizen requirement was. Her argument was that this prevented many capable individuals from becoming candidates for President.

The class was taking it all in but many jaws hit the floor when she concluded her argument by stating, "what makes a natural born citizen any more qualified than one born by 'C' Section?

Yes folks, they breed and walk among us.

(sent to me in an unattributed e-mail)

[Mr. Man]

Dem's Vs Repub's.....

Not to worry our real problem may lie in the younger generation, to wit.......

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United Sates. It is pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

However, one girl in the class immediately started a rant on how unfair the natural born citizen requirement was. Her argument was that this prevented many capable individuals from becoming candidates for President.

The class was taking it all in but many jaws hit the floor when she concluded her argument by stating, "what makes a natural born citizen any more qualified than one born by 'C' Section?

Yes folks, they breed and walk among us.

(sent to me in an unattributed e-mail)
Sounds like it should have been a blond joke. Funny though:)

[Mr. Man]

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF A CAR COLLECTOR:

1. Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.


2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.


3. Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's

Toyota.


4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.


6. Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47


Plymouth.


7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.


8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.


9. Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.


10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.

[Pat]

Did you see this.........

http://f513.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f6152%5fAKgmvs 4AAOoGTIywmAwo02eGCu0&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[secretservice]

Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.
I'm buying mine an impact gun. Truth.:burnout:

[secretservice]

Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing. You already told her twice.

j/k guys. Don't hit your women!:shake:

[CBT]

World's Shortest Books
______________________________ ___


THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

______________________________ ______________


MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS


by Tiger Woods

______________________________ ______________


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
______________________________ __________


MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________________________ ________


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton
_________________


Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton
_________________


THINGS I CAN NOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates
______________________________ ______


THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman
______________________________ ___

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry
______________________________ _______

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

by Amelia Earhart

______________________________ ____


HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
______________________________ ____

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

______________________________ ______________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson
______________________________ ____


THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________________________ _________


MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson
______________________________ ___________


HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

by Ted Kennedy

______________________________ ___________________


MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction by

the Rev. Jesse Jackson


****************************** *************************

AND, JUST ADDED:


My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

by Nancy Pelosi

Tiger Woods one, lolz!

[CBT]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls out her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr too" says the mother quietly. "Oh, gracious me . . ." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18", she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school" "He's a martyr also," says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says.

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Haggis]

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Allāhu Akbar (الله أكبر)

[Bluerauder]

The Captain's Red Shirt,
in the style of The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

by Samuel Taylor Coleridge


I met an ancient mariner
A sot who lurched and swerved,
And burbled out the strangest tale
Of a captain he once served:

"As lookout, it was I who spied
A pirate ship ahead
The captain turned to me and spake:
'Go fetch my shirt of red.'

"Quick he donned the crimson cloak
And to war the men he led.
We bravely fought, and in the end
The cutthroats all were dead.

"The second day there were two ships
That flew the skull and bones.
Again, the shirt. Again we sent
Them down to Davy Jones.

"That night I asked the bosun's mate
About the scarlet shirt.
He said: 'It's there to mask the blood
In case the Captain's hurt.

" 'He doesn't want the men to see
Lest they lose heart, and run.'
This seemed to me the bravest thing
A captain's ever done.

"The next day: seven pirate ships!
I watched the captain frown
Then turn to me and speak these words:
'Go fetch my pants of brown.' "

[SC Cheesehead]

One day, while going on a trip to the store, I passed by a nursing home. There on the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked as the day they were born on the grass.

I thought this was a bit more than unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed by the nursing home again and there they were, the same six old ladies lying stark naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, so I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'


Yes,' she said----'They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.'

[Egon Spengler]

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asks "May I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied "He went that way". After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to afghanistan." The nun said "I understand completely" The soldier added "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The nun replied "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to afghanistan either."

[massacre]

^^^ ROTFLMAO thanks

[CBT]

TJ, lmao!!

[secretservice]

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?

A: Boo-bees :rock:



Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. :bounce:

[secretservice]

Great Truths

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
4) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

Great Truths About Growing Old::beer:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) No one other than your contemporaries care how it used to be.
3) Time may be a great healer, ! But it's a lousy beautician.
4) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

[Ken]

This is really touching...


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ' Amazing Grace ,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

[secretservice]

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab
and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative. It's coupled with a community service
project I am working on. There is no need to send me a thank you note.

[fastblackmerc]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

[SC Cheesehead]

THIS IS VERY GRAPHIC BUT WORTH LOOKING AT
Not for the squeamish !


SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).


WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.


THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE(CHILLING!)

[secretservice]

Q: How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
A: When the old one expects you to "do your share"

Q: Why can't women drive?
A: Because there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom

Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead just bought bought a car. Which one drives it first?
A: None, they're all in the kitchen.

Q: Why dont women have a p****?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
A: It doesn't need cleaning yet.

Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry It!

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman


I sure hope my wife doesn't see this post. EVAR. :eek:

[CBT]

Bears won yesterday. The joke is on Carolina fans. :beer:

[SC Cheesehead]

Bears won yesterday. The joke is on Carolina fans. :beer:


Season's still young bubba.

Just remember, a little hope can be worse than no hope... :D

[CBT]

Season's still young bubba.

Just remember, a little hope can be worse than no hope... :D

How did Green Bay do? Woops, too soon? Muhahahaaa...

[dakslim]

How did Green Bay do? Woops, too soon? Muhahahaaa...

Why is the bay green??? Too much algae?:P

[secretservice]

Why is the bay green??? Too much algae?:P

Cause of this... :puke:

[dakslim]

Cause of this... :puke:

Rex?????:P

[secretservice]

Top ten reasons Hockey is better than sex:

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally
9. The puck is always hard.
8. The protective equipment is reusable, and you don't even have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
3. Periods last only 20 min.
2. You can count on it at least twice a week.
1. You can tell your friends about it afterwards

[SC Cheesehead]

Rex?????:P

Youse guys can talk smart all you want now. If the Bears have their normal season, well can all look forward to another big http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:uctm0wwc_4otjM:ht tp://vivisect.org/choke/choke_full.gif (http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://vivisect.org/choke/choke_full.gif&imgrefurl=http://vivisect.org/&usg=__4BTs_qJSIHcEBDW-z9p8-yG1oTQ=&h=528&w=594&sz=16&hl=en&start=2&zoom=1&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=uctm0wwc_4otjM:&tbnh=120&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dchoke%2Bphotos%26 um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG%26rl z%3D1R2GPEA_en%26tbs%3Disch:1) from them before the playoffs... :D

Oh, and remember, the Pack gets another shot at 'em on January 2nd, on the Frozen Tundra.

[CBT]

Youse guys can talk smart all you want now. If the Bears have their normal season, well can all look forward to another big http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:uctm0wwc_4otjM:ht tp://vivisect.org/choke/choke_full.gif (http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://vivisect.org/choke/choke_full.gif&imgrefurl=http://vivisect.org/&usg=__4BTs_qJSIHcEBDW-z9p8-yG1oTQ=&h=528&w=594&sz=16&hl=en&start=2&zoom=1&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=uctm0wwc_4otjM:&tbnh=120&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dchoke%2Bphotos%26 um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG%26rl z%3D1R2GPEA_en%26tbs%3Disch:1) from them before the playoffs... :D

Oh, and remember, the Pack gets another shot at 'em on January 2nd, on the Frozen Tundra.

Whats up with the picture of guspech750 having an orgasm, he isn't even in this debate.

[secretservice]

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands David, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, David says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of David.. After a few seconds, David hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'
'It was David, the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull :censor: might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who :censor: on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of :censor: is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep :censor: it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[SC Cheesehead]

Marvin:Words of Wisdom

[secretservice]

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb277/Serendypity_album/Comics/z86517247.jpg

[secretservice]

http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l224/typist_ames/Cyanide%20and%20Happiness/a.jpg

[secretservice]

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b227/latinachica91/Cyanide%20and%20Happiness%20Co mics/Spool.jpg

[secretservice]

Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

[secretservice]

Here are a selection of strange but true stories from people filling in their insurance claims.

-To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

-A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

-I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.

-If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.

-She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.

-Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

-Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.

-There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.

-A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

http://i918.photobucket.com/albums/ad21/secretservicemusclecars/bananadance.gif

[Mike]

How do you define handsome?


A test at an Atlanta City High school in Georgia required students to use the word "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Lateshia says:


"Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's black snake,

my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."

[CBT]

^^^:eek:, LOL !!^^^

[secretservice]

How do you define handsome?


A test at an Atlanta City High school in Georgia required students to use the word "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Lateshia says:


"Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's black snake,

my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."
...........................

[CBT]

....ibtl....

[Egon Spengler]

....ibtl....
Lets hope not! Either delete inappropriate posts or let it fly!

[secretservice]

fixed.... :o

[CBT]

fixed.... :o
LMAO !! How did that help?!

[secretservice]

Were we talking about Mike's post or mine? Because if it was mine, it no longer exists! :rolleyes:

[secretservice]

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

[SC Cheesehead]

The Movie Test

This is pretty damn amazing.

My Favorite Movie turned out to be "Forrest Gump".

I was surprised how this worked.

Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.

This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

Don't ask me how, but it really works!


Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.



Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

[Blk Mamba]

The #3 is pretty funny.

[Pat]

My Posse partner told me about this trailer park/boat launch that we drove into yesterday while on patrol.

He said, "Pat, this place is so rough that if you don't have a gun when you drive in the owner will lend you one".

Yea, the place looked like it would qualify.

[SC Cheesehead]

Gotta love it...

[secretservice]

Lol. Pabst beer isn't normal. It's AWESOME.

[cascade]

A guy that just robed a bank ran outside, and saw two guys standing in the parking lot.

He went over to them and pointed the gun at one of them,right at the guy's head, big .38 Colt.


"Did you see that it was me that robbed that bank?" the robber asked him.

"Yeah, I saw it was you".

:gunfire:BANG !!!!! The robber shoots him in the head and kills him.


Then he points the gun at the other guy's head, and asks him the SAME question.

"Did you SEE me rob that bank?"



And the other guy says, "Oh NO -I didn't see anything at ALL.


........ but my WIFE did."

[Mike]

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Spectragod]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door
and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee
answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and
asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,

"Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am they are,"

and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking,

"Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes ma'am they are,"

and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,

"Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes ma'am they are," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied,

"The drought got my corn,

the flood got my soy beans,

a tornado leveled my barn,

I voted for Obama

and now I think I'm gonna .. Get f*** ed out of my peaches....

[Spectragod]

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $4 Millionto pose nude in the July issue...









Michelle Obama got offered 50 Bucks from National Geographic.....








We all remember the KFC "Hillary Meal"---two small breasts and two big thighs.
Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.
It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket.







It consists of nothing but left wings and as*holes.

[Leadfoot281]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you in his Marauder.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[Pat]

^^^^^^this is too funny^^^^

I have been behind women who go through some of these "steps".

[Bluerauder]

^^^^^^this is too funny^^^^

I have been behind women who go through some of these "steps".

Actually, I have been behind some men who do the same thing. :rolleyes:

[Haggis]

^^^^^^this is too funny^^^^

I have been behind women who go through some of these "steps".

I have been with....never mind. :bop:


'Sorry Honey'. :bop:

[Spectragod]

A dog lover, whose dog was a bi tch and ‘in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbor’s male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.


Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".


"Do you think that will work?" she asked


"It just worked for me," he replied.

[Spectragod]

..........

[Spectragod]

Dear Abby

My husband has a long record of money problems.
He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try
to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.
He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but
already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most
of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom
he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and
the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next
he's with Muslims.

Finally, the last straw.
He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they
must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.
You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

[SC Cheesehead]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[Leadfoot281]

A driver cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"OK, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range?"

"Nope."

"Well, then, what are you afraid of?"

"Not a damn thing."

[Krytin]

A driver cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"OK, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range?"

"Nope."

"Well, then, what are you afraid of?"

"Not a damn thing."


I like that one!!!

[SC Cheesehead]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, and then into the hole trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we was just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to an old transmission over by them bushes..."

[Mike]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a 4th grade student.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "****!," the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.

[CBT]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a 4th grade student.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "****!," the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
I don't get it....

[Mike]

I don't get it....

And I'm sure you don't :shake:

[CBT]

And I'm sure you don't :shake:
So what happened to the teacher?

[Mike]

She was the cat :stupid:

[CBT]

She was the cat :stupid:
Meeeeeowza!

[Mike]

Here kitty kitty :D

[Mike]

STC (Senior Texting Code)

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?[/FONT]
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

[CBT]

....i don't get it....

[Haggis]

You forgot:

PMP: Pooped My Pants
DNC: Depends Need Changing
NASG: Need Another Shot of Geritol (SP?)

[Mike]

....i don't get it....

That's what she said :puke:

[Haggis]

How about:

CBT: Constipated Beyond Tolerance

[Mike]

How about:

CBT: Constipated Beyond Tolerance

LMAO :lol: :laugh: :rofl:

[CBT]

LMAO :lol: :laugh: :rofl:
.........i don't get it............

[Blk Mamba]

How about,

GTTB- Going to the Buffet?

TAWATM- Taking a walk at the Mall

[Mike]

.........i don't get it............


LOL and you never will :shake: :alone:

[Fosters]

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand-saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chopper and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem? I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[Mr. Man]

How about:

CBT: Constipated Beyond Tolerance
Lest you forget he is a regular at the proctologist:D

[SC Cheesehead]

Please be advised, I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who has mauled:

Six illegals wearing Obama tee shirts,

Four tree huggers wearing Pelosi tee shirts,

Two rappers,

Five phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English,

Nine teenagers with pants hanging down and bottoms dragging on the ground,

Eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English that I could not understand,

and three flag burners.

FOR THE LAST TIME.........
THIS DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!!

[SC Cheesehead]

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it around in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his drunken stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "I'm not really surprised. You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Mr. Man]

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it around in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his drunken stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "I'm not really surprised. You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Ladies; just send all hate mail to SCCheesehead care of MM.net.:D