Joke of the day

[SergntMac]

How about a little humor, post a joke here. Me first;

A man went to visit his grandparents and found his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

[LincMercLover]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third ducked... :lol:

[BeaSStMaster]

Sam and Bessie Goldberg are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS

Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat."

[Billatpro]

In an effort to control the exploding deer population the DNR is putting out "treated" feed for male deer, It affects the sex drive and stops mating, It reportedly taste alot like wedding cake!

[vaderv]

Billatpro, my wife said you were not supposed to be privy to that information... lol

[Mark McQuaide]

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be French".

[KSMM03]

Think you'll all like this one

[grzellmer]

Daschle = Dufus

[TAF]

Now THAT is funny, Chris...:lol:

[O's Fan Rich]

The two brothers age 5 and 7 up in there room one morning.
The older says to the younger "Grownups cuss all the time, I think we should start cussin' too."
Little guy says "OK"
Big bro suggests" I'll say 'hell' you say "ass".
"OK" syas the younger.
Just then Mom calls them bothe downstairs for breakfast.
Mom asks the older "What would you like to eat?"
Big brother says" HELL, mom I'll take some Cheerios!"
Mom snaps off a backhand that Venus Williams would be jealous of and connects right across juniors mouth, knocking him clean back, chair and all. He gets up, hand over mouth, screaming and high tails it up to his room.
Mom, runs her hand over her head and turns to the little guy . She asks in as calm a voice as she can muster,"And what would you like this morning?"
Little dude looks her right in the eye and says "Don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Billatpro]

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"

[Billatpro]

Little guy walks into his parents room, dads still in bed, little guys notices a peak in the middle of the covers, says "Dad whats that?" oh dad says, I'm playing circus! go tell mom the circus is in town! little guy scoots off, gone for 3 min comes back and proclaims 'Dad I told mom the circus was in town! Dad says "What she say?" mom says to take down the tent cause the monkey has a bloody nose!

[LincMercLover]

What you car says about you.

Honda Accord: I am getting tired of those What Would Jesus Drive? jokes.

Mercury Sable Station Wagon: I am afraid of my wife

Mercury Marauder: I am afraid of my wifes Sable

[jefferson-mo]

A Skeleton walks into a bar and sez..................


Gimme a beer......................and a mop

[CRUZTAKER]

An elderly woman walks into a Baskin Robbins ice cream store.
The young man behind the counter asks her what she would like.
The old woman asks for a gallon of vanilla ice cream, a gallon of strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The young man apologizes and says, I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream. The old woman, somewhat confused, then says, ok, I'll take a 1/2 gallon of vanilla ice cream, a half gallon of strawberry ice cream, and a half gallon of chocolate ice cream. The young man, now somewhat confused, replies, I am sorry mam, but I tell you, we are all out of chocolate ice cream. At this point, the old woman is becoming agitated, as well as the young man behind the counter. The old woman then replies, ok, I'll take a pint of vanilla ice cream, a pint of strawberry ice cream, and a pint of chocolate ice cream. Now the young man is pissed, and the old woman is very agitated. So, the young man then asks the old women: LADY!, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?, the old woman says yes, V_A_N, the young man then says, can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?, the old woman says yes, S_T_R_A_W, then the young man says, then can you spell the ***** in chocolate?, after some thought, the old woman replies, there aint no ***** in chocolate......the young man says........THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU LADY!

[martyo]

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

[martyo]

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lechter

[Vince Gortner]

Bar jokes are good.

Cheesburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender turns to look at him and says,"Sorry. We don't serve food here."

[SergntMac]

on the eternal question...Why did the Chicken cross the Road?

George W. Bush:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us, or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Al Gore:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Bill Gate:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important do***ents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Martha Stewart:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I h ad a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr's:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Your Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Ralph Nader:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Jerry Seinfield:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Rush Limbaugh:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I
say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money! the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.


Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".

John Lennon:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Voltaire:
I may not agree with what! the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Scully:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Albert Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Sigmund Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Chicago Police:
Give us ten minutes with the chicken we'll find out.

Richard Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

John Locke:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camas:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

The Pope:
That is only for God to know.

Immanuel Kant:
Chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

MC. Escher:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Plato:
For the greater good.

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.

O.J. Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Ken Starr:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to
ruffle his feathers.).

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

[Vince Gortner]

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away.... Having a Xmas party Friday... Thought you might like to come. About 5..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops."More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

[nomad]

Northern area
P.S. make sure the better half's not reding along.:rolleyes:
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowthrower?
Hand the wench a shovel!
:flamer: :flamer: :D

[martyo]

HELLO! My name is Armand. Driving to my office this morning on
the L.I.E 495 near Roslyn, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on
her eye makeup.

I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there
she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked
the Krispy Kreme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and
disconnected an important call.

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!

[jefferson-mo]

Guy walks into a bar

Do you serve crabs here? He asks

Yeah, we'll serve anyone!

[jefferson-mo]

Did you hear they're closing all the K-marts in Iraq?

They're all becoming Targets.......

[martyo]

A blond bought a new Lexus, and returned the next day, complaining that the radio didn't work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again"
came from the speakers. She drove away happy, and for the
next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven," she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get
one of theirs....

One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him.

"*******!" she yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play.

[prchrman]

Man walks outside at night and looking to the stars says...God are you there and a voice replies...yes...man asks what's a million years like to you...voice replies a second...man asks what's a million dollars like to you...voice replies a penny...with a big smile the man asks...can I have a penny...voice replies...wait a second...

[SergntMac]

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a residential fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[Paul T. Casey]

Dude gets on a plane, sits down next to a parrot. Dude asks for a cocktail, stewardess ignores him. Parrot says " Hey @#$%&, bring me a *&^%$#@ Beer. !0 seconds later parrot has a Bud. Dude , still polite still no service. Parrot same trash mouth , same good service. Dude tries parrots method, instant service. Now it becomes a contest who can be the foulest. Soon pilot requests visit with parrot and dude. Both still talking gutter, so the pilot throws them out the door. On the way down the dude says, "You talk pretty mean for a bird." Parrot says, "Yeah, and you talk pretty stupid for someone with no wings!"

[martyo]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yea, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

[CrowSS]

Grasshopper goes into a saloon and hops onto the top of the bar.

Barkeep says, "Hey! We have drink named after you!"

Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named, Bob??!"

[CRUZTAKER]

A few weeks ago an officer in the naval reserve was attending a
conference that included admirals in both
the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception,he
found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each
of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans
learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then
asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these
conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it
is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to
speak German." The group became silent.

[LincMercLover]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[jefferson-mo]

Guy goes to a $10 hooker and he gets crabs.
He goes back to her to complain and she says....

What did you expect????


Lobster????

[SergntMac]

The producer's of French's Mustard recently made the following public statement;



"We, at the French's Company, wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, domestic, or, foregin, between us. Nor, has there ever been a relationship, domestic or foregin, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed. Our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY., the only thing we have in common with France, is that we are both yellow."



Well okay now, glad we got this cleared up, eh?

[jefferson-mo]

Ok here goes.............

If you clone yourself and you push your naked clone out of a window.......

are you guilty of murder or............




making an obscene clone fall?

[jerrym3]

Little old Italian gentleman walks into a hardware store. Clerk says "can I help you?"

"Si" says the little Italian gentleman.

"I'm a wanna buy a file".

"Well", says the clerk, "we have a hundred different files. What do you need the file for?"

"Oh, I'm a gotta this parakeet, shes a pecka my finger and makea me bleed. I'm a wanna file to filea down the beak."

"Whoa", says the clerk. "A parakeet's a very fragile bird. You might hurt her."

"Thatsa OK", says the little Italian fellow. "I'm a gotta filea down the beak, shes a maka me bleed."

"Well, OK" says the clerk; "Here's the mildest file I have".

Two days later, the Iltalian fellow is back in the store browsing.

"Say" says the clek. "Weren't you here a few days ago buying a file for your parakeet?"

"Si" says the little Italian gentlemman. "Thatsa me"

"Well" says the clerk. "How did you make out?"

"Ah" says the little Italian gentleman. "The bird, shesa die"

"I knew it" says the clerk. "That file was too rough".

"No, no , no" says the little Italian gentleman. "Shesa no die from the file. Shesa die when I put her head in the vice !!"

[screamdennis]

a young foreign girl is taugh all her life when she gets married to respect her husband and clean up after him . so finally the day comes and she gets married . they go and spend there first night in a fancy hotel . the new wife gets up first and sees her husbands clothes all over the floor . she thinks i better pick up his clothes , as she bends over to pick up his pants she lets a loud fart , she spins around and says to her husband , so sorry new husband front hole so happy that back laught out loud

[gja]

Yeah, I am an animal lover as well.
Howsabout this one, no harm came to the cat, either.

[BRSMERC]

: Britain and France
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is of course is why from that day forward all French Army officers wear brown pants!

[engine23ccvfd]

Where does Saddam keep his Cd's? In A Rack.....OK so its a little outdated...they are now actually kept in Syria but that would ruin the joke! :)

[LincMercLover]

Cleaned up. I chose not to close it because, well... everyone likes jokes! So, just keep it clean and not gross or offensive.

[martyo]

This thread seems to have gone dormant. I don't know about you guys, but I sure could use a laugh or two!


"Asking for Directions"

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at
a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"
he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says,
"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four
languages, and it didn't do him any good."

[LincMercLover]

I would break out the lawyer jokes, but marty probably wouldn't find 'em funny, and other's wouldn't think they were jokes... :lol:

[martyo]

Originally posted by LincMercLover
I would break out the lawyer jokes, but marty probably wouldn't find 'em funny, and other's wouldn't think they were jokes... :lol:

:mad2:

[duhtroll]

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.

"Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."

"It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."

"You were both in great danger, two people together under those cir***stances act that way. You are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"


:P

[martyo]


CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE


1. "You Were an Accident"

2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"

3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

4. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"

5. "How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"

6. "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

7. "Where Would You Like to be Buried?"

8. "Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

9. "All Dogs Go To Hell"

10. "The Kids Guide To Hitchhiking"

11. "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

12. "What is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?"

13. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

14. "Bi-Curious George"

15. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

16. "Mr. Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

17. "You Are Different and That's Bad"

18. "Fun with Pointy Things"

19. "Keep Picking At It"

20. "It's Your Fault They Got a Divorce"

21. "If it's in a Bottle Drink It"

22. "Eating Glue is Good For You"

23. "You Can Fly Too If You Wear a Cape"

24. "Sharing is For the Weak"

25. "Foreigners are Bad People"

26. "Plastic Bag Space Helmet and Other Fun Activities"

27. "Razor, Razor, Who's Got the Razor?"

28. "Is the Stove Hot Yet?"

29. "Dead Pets Are Fun Too"

30. "The New Baby is Better Than You"


More Titles


"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride
Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God did It"

[Paul T. Casey]

A first grade teacher is reading "Chicken Little to her class. To check if anyone was paying attention she asks Johnny, " And what did the farmer say to Chicken Little when he was told of the sky falling?"
Johnny replied, " I think ' holy crap, a talking chicken!'"

[nexstar7]

thats good

[Mark McQuaide]

Guaranteed you'll laugh your a*s off:

A Frank guide to homeland security levels:

http://www.imao.us/archives/000651.html#000651

The whole site is hilarious.

[jrzygrl]

Two blondes walk into a building...you think at least one of them would've seen it...

[jrzygrl]

What do you call a dead blonde in the basement?
Last years hide and go seek winner...

[Menace]

:baaa:

[jrzygrl]

Why do blondes have bruises around thier belly buttons?
'Cause blonde guys are stupid too.........

[kenny2wheels]

Why does a dog lick himself?..........cause he can't make a fist.:D

[martyo]

When I was married, I was not happy with my wife's mood swings so I bought her a mood ring so that I would be able to monitor her moods.

When she was in a good mood the ring would turn green.

When she was in a bad mood it left a big freakin' red mark on my forehead.

Maybe I should have bought her a diamond?

[martyo]

It's Sunday, the sun is out (finally) and I am working (ugghh!!), so I am going for two today:


An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. "Tray-up *****".

[martyo]

Two Georgia fans thought they should go to college so they could
get ahead.

Bubba went in first, and the professor advised him to
take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.

"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.

"Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Sure do," the Georgia fan responded.

"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the
professor went on.

"That's real good," said the Georgia fan, in awe.

"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a
house. Is that right?"


"GAWL-LEE!" the Georgia fan shouted.

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of
by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are
a heterosexual rather than a homosexual. Is that right?"

"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fasinatin' thang
I ever heard of. I cant wait to take this here logic class!" Bubba,
proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'"? Cooter asks.

"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.

"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a
weed-eater?"

"No." says Cooter.

"You're Queer, ain'tcha?"

:lol:

[TAF]

Originally posted by martyo
Bubba says. "Do you own a
weed-eater?"

"No." says Cooter.

so...Bubba says. "You're Queer, ain'tcha?"

:lol:

Where's the joke?

This is just a statement of fact :lol:

And, BTW marty...Cooter is a southern slang/name for something that's G-O-O-D...which if you don't have a weed-eater...you wouldn't care anything about :lol: :lol:

[martyo]

Originally posted by TAF
...which if you don't have a weed-eater...you wouldn't care anything about :lol: :lol:

I guess my trip to Texas will truly be an education for me.

[Bigdogjim]

Me thinks Texas will more fun than ?????????

[SergntMac]

Ever wonder...Some things to think about.

Ever wonder about those who spend $2.00 each for a bottle of Evian water? Ever think to spell Evian backwards?

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK...so, if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", does that mean that the Tennessee Titans are know as the...

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores, or, at any Hooters.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just seasoned stale bread anyway?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist when the person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, and I wondered what Chinese mothers use...Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what, exactly, are the others here for?

Why you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive...

[martyo]

Look Mac, this is jjust too damn much thinking! Now you have gone and made my head hurt!!

[Bigdogjim]

I hope
I get the answers in Texas:lol: :beer:

[LincMercLover]

Originally posted by SergntMac
Ever wonder about those who spend $2.00 each for a bottle of Evian water? Ever think to spell Evian backwards?

Someone needs to tell my GF this... :lol:

[Bigdogjim]

Originally posted by LincMercLover
Someone needs to tell my GF this... :lol:

man 'o man ain't you never gonna learn don't go there:help:

[LML's Sammy]

Nah, Rick and I are pretty laid back in our relationship, stupid stuff like that is funny!

[Paul T. Casey]

Blonde goes into the bank for a $25K loan. Loan officer says she needs collateral. She says OK use my car. He checks the value and says it's worth $80k so all is well. She leaves on a business trip, he informs the manager of the deal. They go out and the manager sees that the collateral is a brand new Jag and immediately orders the car moved into the garage, roped off, and a 24 hour guard posted on it. In 4 weeks the blonde returns and pays off the loan, including $40 interest. The loan officer says, assuming the basic blonde mental prowess, You know, while you were gone I did some checking. You're worth $500 million, so why'd you take a loan for a month. She replies, "Well, where else can I park in New York City, with 24 hour security, for 40 bucks a month.

[LML's Sammy]

Hehe...good one! Not the usual blonde joke!

[jgc61sr2002]

Paul - Very funny.:coolman:

[Bigdogjim]

Ok Martyo try that in NYC. :lol:

[martyo]

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:

Legal Consultation Service: $150

[TAF]

Man...I can just see a room full of lawyers...hearing that....and just laughin.....


:puke:

[martyo]

Originally posted by TAF
Man...I can just see a room full of lawyers...hearing that....and just laughin.....


:puke:

Yes, indeedy!

:D

[RCSignals]

OK fess up marty, that was a true story wasn't it?

Was it Stanley or Stella? :lol:

[jrzygrl]

Blonde girl skips home all happy "Mommy, Mommy, we were counting today and I counted the highest!"
"Very Good", said the mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
" Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the blonde girl skips home , again all happy.
"We were saying the ABC's and I could say them all!!"
"Very Good", said the mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because your blonde."
Next day blonde girl skips home all proud.
"We were in Gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls were flat, but, I have these!!!" She lifted her top and shows off her 36C's.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
Her mother, rather embarassed, replies...
"Well no, it's because you're 22"

[Bigdogjim]

:lol:

[Dr Caleb]

DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or Anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Bigdogjim]

That was priceless! Nothing eles to say :lol:

[JGaignat]

Dr. Caleb..........OUTSTANDING!!!!

[Zack]

This joke is better told in person but you'll get it.......

So a blonde walks up to the counter and orders a cheeseburger and fries. The lady behind the counter replies "Miss, you're in a library." And blonde respectfully whispers.. "im sorry, ill have a cheeseburger and fries."

[Marauder57]

I am printing out these rules.....and hopefully I will never need to use them....but in the event I have a daughter they will be hanging on my wall framed.....with a little change to the story...."When my Gulf War syndrome starts acting up...."

[Zack]

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

[jerrym3]

Dumb blonde reads an article that states milk is great for your skin.

So, planning to take a milk bath, she puts a note out for the milkman requesting 15 gallons.

Milkman sees the note, figures she made a mistake and really wants 1.5 gallons, so he knocks on the door to clear things up.

"No", she says. "I really do want 15 gallons so that I can take a milk bath".

"Pasteurized ?" asks the milkman.

"No, just up to my nipples" replies the blonde.

[MM03MOK]

John and Marie went to the same church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"

"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his Marauder, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, John", said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie", said John, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Marie", said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?"

"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.

He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them..............

You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

[jgc61sr2002]

Very funny.:D :D

[MMM2003]

Got this today. Thought I share it with you guys. Haven't checked all of this post, to see if it has been posted before. If it has been, well, here it goes again:

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with
me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of
us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond
with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been
eating doughnuts?"

[Dr Caleb]

Ok, it's been a couple days since there were any new jokes. Hope no one takes these the wrong way...

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The answers weren't posted there :lol:

1. Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four Thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North .
. . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna
Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[JGaignat]

You know when you've grown up when



1. Your house plants are alive & you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7 . Your friends marry & divorce, rather than hook up & break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.


Can anyone relate to these or add to them?

[jrzygrl]

Depressing..........

[jgc61sr2002]

Very depressing.

[jerrym3]

blonde joke:

Country blonde is sick of being called "dumb blonde", so she has her hair colored black.

One day, out in the country, she comes across a sheep farmer with his herd.

"Sir", she says, "if I guess the correct number of sheep, can I have one?"

"Sure" he says.

So she guesses 352 and the farmer is shocked because she is right. But, being true to his word, he says "Go ahead, take any one you want".

I'll take this one" she says, "She feels nice and friendly".

After a few seconds, the farmer responds.

"Now", he says, "if I tell you what color hair you used to have, can I have my dog back?"

[GodOSpeed]

Little Johnny wakes up on Christmas morning to a shiney new red bicycle. He hops on and takes it for a spin to the park. Just as he is riding around a cop rides up on horseback.
"Hey Little Johnny nice bike you have there! Did Santa bring that for you?"
"Yes he did." replied Johnny
"Well next year tell Santa to put some reflectors on it would you?"and he procedes to write him a ticket.
Just as he's riding off Little Johnny chimes in "Hey Mr. Police man did Santa bring that horse for you?"
Just for amusments sake the cop says " yea he sure did."
Little Johnny says " Next year could you tell Santa to put the Dick underneith the horse instead of on top of it?"

[MM03MOK]

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years..

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.










You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

[jrzygrl]

Two sisters inherit a failing farm. One is a blonde the other a brunette. they have exactly $600.00 to buy a new bull to breed the stock and save the farm. The brunette goes out to find one. She tells the blonde when she finds a proper bull she will contact her to bring the wagon and pick up the bull. Shortly after, the brunette finds the perfect bull for $599.00. She goes to the local telegraph station to send the blonde a message, but it's $1.00 a word. She thinks a minute and then tells the operator to send the word "comfortable". The operator says "how will she know what you mean"? The brunette replies, "she's blonde, she will read it real SLOW! " COME FOR TA BULL"

[dok]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much
he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the
bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack,
Patti Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

[JamesHecker]

Originally posted by dok
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."


Wow, somebody went a long, long way for this one.

[RF Overlord]

A man is strolling down Newbury St (a very chi-chi street in Boston) and happens to see this old, tiny, antiques shop that he's never noticed before. He goes in and looks around, and sees a small brass rat in a display case. He asks the wizened old oriental gentleman behind the counter "How much?" The shopkeeper replies: "$50 for the rat, but it will be $500 for the story." The man says "No, thanks, I'll just take the rat". He pays for it and leaves. As he's continuing on down the street, he starts to realise that he's being followed by real rats. He passes hotel dumpsters and restaurants, and more and more rats begin to follow him. Pretty soon he reaches the Charles River and sees there are THOUSANDS of rats behind him. He gets all nervous and paranoid, thinking he should have paid for "the story", so he takes the brass rat out of his pocket and throws it in the river. To his amazement, all the rats follow it in and drown. So, the man goes back to the old, tiny antiques shop. The little old oriental shopkeeper sees him and comes over. "Ah, you have come back for the story!" No", the man says; "I came back to see if you had a brass attorney!"

"Disclaimer: this story has NOTHING AT ALL to do with martyo"

:lol:

[martyo]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait so long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can
just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the
Bible that
the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
.......

"HEBREWS"

[Dr Caleb]

You Know You're a Redneck When...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10. Your grandmother has Guns&Ammo on her Christmas list.

11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

16. You can spit without opening your mouth.

17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

[Dr Caleb]

Billboards do get entertaining...

[MapleLeafMerc]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than to be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Alan]

For all you other cops out there....

A police officer pulled over a man for speeding. Upon approaching the car, the officer noticed the man had 5 machetes in the back seat. The officer quickly explained to the man why he was pulled over and asked why he had those machetes in his back seat. The driver explained that he was a juggler and that they were part of his act. The officer explained that he shouldn't have them out like that and that he should confiscate them. The officer said that he would let the guy go on one condition: he had to step out of the vehicle and prove that he could juggle all 5 machetes.

The officer steped to the side of the road with the driver. The driver proceeded to juggle 3, then 4, then all 5 machetes.

At the same time, an older couple was driving by and noticed the juggler and the officer on the side of the road. The old man turned to his wife and said, "Mildred...I've got to stop drinking. Those new field sobriety tests are getting tough!"

[MapleLeafMerc]

Not a joke, but a humourous story; I first saw it in a local paper in '96, under the title of ROCKETMAN.

"Last year's Darwin Award was given to a man crushed to death by a Coke machine from which he was trying to yank a free soda. (The Darwins go to the people who do the gene pool the biggest favour by killing themselves in an extraordinary and stupid way).

Front runner this year: Mystery owner of a jet-propelled Chevy Impala.

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the crest of a curve. Wreckage resembled that at an airplane crash, but it was a car—make and model unidentifiable at the scene. A lab figured out the story. It seems the driver had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off—actually a solid fuel rocket) that's used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" taking off from short airfields.

He drove his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, and fired off the jet device. The cops calculate that the driver of the car...

•hit JATO ignition at a distance of about 3 miles from the crash site. Asphalt was scorched and melted there.

•reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the rest of the event.

•remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.

•became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet and leaving a black crater three feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. This Chevy wasn't licensed to Wile E. Coyote by any chance?"

[Macon Marauder]

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

Guinness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."

[jerrym3]

Blonde is walking down the street with two dogs when she meets a friend.

"Oh", says the friend. "What cute dogs. What are their names?"

"Well", says the blonde. "This one is named Timex, and that one is named Rollex"

"What strange names for a dog!", says the friend.

"HELLOOOOOOO", says the blonde. "They're watch dogs!!!"

[ChuckB]

2 lawyers walking down the street see a beautiful woman walking toward them.

the first lawyer says " i'de really like to screw her"

The second lawyer says "out of what?"

[ChuckB]

a cop pulls a lady over.

he asks for her licence - she says she lost it after being arrested 9 times for DYI.

he askes for her regestration - she replies she does have it because the car is stolen.

he asks where the owner is - she replies he's in the truck cut up in little pieces.

the officer hurriedly calls for backup.

his sergent arrives and asks her for drivers license and reg. She promptly gives them to him.

he says i don't understand. My officer says you were driving without a license, a stolen car and had a body in the truck.

she says i'll bet that lying SOB said i was speeding to.

[jgc61sr2002]

They are getting better. He Heh:D

[jerrym3]

Blind man walks into a bar and says "I'm going to tell a dumb blonde joke. Will I offend anybody?"

Voice behind him says, "look, mister. The bartender's a blonde female, the two women on either side of you are blondes, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm blonde, 6'2" with a black belt in Karate. Still want to tell that joke?"

"Nah", says the blind man. "I don't want to have to tell it five times".

[Bigdogjim]

I asked the children in my kindergarten Sunday School class,
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave
all my money to the church,
would that get me into Heaven?"


"NO!", the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again.


Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"


:) :D :cool:

[Dr Caleb]

Yea, these are getting better!

A good one-liner.

Statistics show that 43% or elderly asian drivers in North America have Cataracts.

The other 57% have Rincons.

*rimshot*

[martyo]

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy

"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."
* Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
* Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush, (former US First Lady) and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex! Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams

[SergntMac]

Way to go MartyO...13.7 in jokes too!

[Bigdogjim]

Why hell is better than your job:help:

Your coffee stays hot all day:)

The legal deptment is never far away (sorry Marty):P

There is no wondering if the boss hates you:flamer:

Riding to work in a hand basket beats public transportation.

You can microwave popcorn without leaving you cube;)

[MM03MOK]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[dwasson]

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own business."

[dwasson]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.



As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way."



The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."



He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ...an impressive work of art.



The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.



That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.



She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."



He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this,



.....still in the CRATE!"

[dwasson]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.


And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT reinstall another Boyfriend program. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[Dr Caleb]

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 12.4 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources for other applications. He also noticed that Wife 1.0 is spawning Child-Processes, which further consume valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.2 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 1.1:

A "Don't remind me again" button, Minimize button, An install shield feature that allows Wife 1.1 to be uninstalled at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources, An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.7. Even here, however, I found many problems:

Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.7 on top of GirlFriend 1.5. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.5 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Apparently different versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Simultaneous use almost never works. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.5 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. All versions of GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

<<Bug Warning>>

If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 deletes all MS Money files and performs an auto-uninstall. Reports have been filed regarding this feature, but at this time there is no known solution.

After Wife 1.0 performs an uninstall, Mistress 1.1 may now refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.

<<<Bug Work-Arounds>>>

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 at a different location and never run any file transfer application such as Laplink 6.0.

Mistress 1.1 should be considered shareware. Shareware applications have been known to carry viruses that may also infect you and the Wife 1.0. Care should be taken when using shareware.

[dwasson]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have
any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot so you might as well go fishing."

[dwasson]

How will you know when you've had one too many? Here's a handy guide. Print out and save in your wallet.

Things that are difficult to say after you've had too much to drink:
Proliferation, Innovative, Indubitably.

Things that are VERY difficult to say after you've had too much to drink:
Specificity, Passive-aggressive disorder, Loquacious Transubstantiate Things that are virtually impossible to say after you've had too much to drink: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.

[dwasson]

The flight from New York to Paris is caught in a severe storm that tosses the plane back and forth. A female passenger can't take it anymore. She is sure the plane is going to plunge into the ocean. She stands up in the aisle and announces, "I don't want to die but if I'm going to die, I want one last wish. I want someone, anyone, to finally make me feel like a woman. Is there anyone on this flight you can make me feel like a woman?"

A handsome young man in the back stands up and walks toward her. "I can make you feel like a woman," he promises. She can't believe her luck; he is young, tall, and gorgeous. She can barely contain herself as he approaches and slowly begins unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

She is fairly trembling as he removes his shirt and hands
it to her as he whispers, "Here, iron this."

[dwasson]

In a surprise statement today, the White House admitted that the nation of Canada is an elaborate hoax that was perpetrated on the American public in response to the Russian Revolution of 1917. The United States’ immediate neighbor to the north is actually Russia itself.

According to newly declassified government documents, the “Canada Project” was originally a closely guarded secret known only to the American President and his immediate advisors. However, the hoax became to large to be managed by such a small group and, at the end of the Second World War, was handed over to Walt Disney, under the supervision of the newly created CIA.

“The idea was to make it just like a real country, with its own newspaper and its own airplanes and everything,” explained White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, “Like Disney World is today, only without the attractions.”

“All this has to be seen within the context of the Cold War,” Fleischer continued, “Woodrow Wilson felt that we couldn’t let the American people know that there were tens of millions of hostile communists just a stone’s throw away who were ready to invade at any minute. He acted in haste because he wanted to avoid panic. Ironically, the misrepresentation suited the Russians too, because it would provide them with the element of surprise if they ever launched an actual invasion. Neither side wanted to let the cat out of the bag.”

“The trick,” said Fleischer, “was to create an imaginary culture that was somewhere in the middle between Britain and the United States, so that it wouldn’t be of any great interest on either side of the Atlantic. Disney suggested using Australia as a model and then taking away the marsupials, the coral reef, the beach and the Foster’s lager.” A letter from Disney to President Harry Truman was among the newly declassified documents.

The ruse seemed about to unravel in the early 1970s after a series of incidents in which hikers on day trips from Seattle returned from across the border with alarming reports of encounters with native Russian speakers. The Nixon administration eventually had to take the daring step of adding French as a second Canadian national language. Although this approach provided a means for explaining away the presence of non-English speakers just over the border, it was a hazardous scheme and was almost blown wide open in 1976 when an Algerian terrorist tried to divert an Aeroflot airliner to Montreal. It also meant that the CIA had to keep close tabs on all French speaking US residents to make sure that none of the fourteen ventured too far North.

The news came as a severe blow to a number of celebrities purporting to be of Canadian descent. Pop diva Alanis Morisette was reported to be “devastated and kind of hostile.” Peter Jennings was not returning calls. Neil Young said he was “Moving back to Alabama and getting out of the business.” At Ebay, the cost of Jim Carrey’s autograph plummeted and Margaret Trudeau’s wedding dress did not reach its reserve value of 18 inches of string and a stick of chewing gum.

Yesterday afternoon, pony rides into Russia were already being offered to enthusiastic Oregonian schoolchildren. Meanwhile across America travel agencies were being hit with lawsuits from former visitors to “Canada.” A spokesman for Cook’s Travel said, “This is going to hit us big. Think how many Americans have traveled to Canada as tourists since 1917. There are probably hundreds of them.”

[Dr Caleb]

Ivanna, I told you Moose and Squirrel vould be Troubles.

Gig iz up. Come. Ve are going.

[duhtroll]

Isn't that supposed to be directed to Natasha? Very funny, tho'. One of my favorite programs.

-A

[Dr Caleb]

Yes, Natasha :) I stand corrected, even though I am a figment of your imagination :lol:

[LincMercLover]

Todd e-mailed me this today. He needs his Marauder back guys...

I borrowed my wife`s Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, three cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It`s stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro around with AUTHORITY. I was headed back from Starbucks with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast ("No Cinnamon, ma`am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip.

I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition. Ford Festiva - a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure. The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver`s eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of seven screaming cylinders...

Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust-probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust...maybe event cutouts! Damn his hot-rod soul!

The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-racer direction... Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady high-pitched song, wound fully out.
Though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke.

Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving,
and I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye. He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6" chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner.

I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva... The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife`s car eased past him on the outside, my P165/55R13`s screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light.

We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Geo superiority reigns! I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets...

[Dr Caleb]

Do not EVER do that again while I have a mouthful of coffee!

Now I have to gggeeetttt aa new δτ▬α keyboard!

:lol:

:lol:

:lol:

:lol:

[MM03MOK]

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Don't use any punctuation marks.

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

11. Sing along at the opera.

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

14. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

15. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard Becky".

16. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won! 3rd time this week!!!!!!"

17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!!".

18. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

[JamesHecker]

OMG MOK! You are evil...in an absoluty hillarious way!

[MM03MOK]

Originally posted by JamesHecker
OMG MOK! You are evil...in an absoluty hillarious way! I bet after spending 3 long days in Hershey with MM.Net members, we come up with even more INSANITY!!

[martyo]

A man sitting at his local bar says, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating too", clinking glass with him. "What are you celebrating?"

"Well, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," said the woman. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child.

And today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

How did your chickens become fertile?" asked the women.

"I switched *****," the farmer replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

[Long Live #3]

Originally posted by JGaignat
You know when you've grown up when



1. Your house plants are alive & you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7 . Your friends marry & divorce, rather than hook up & break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.


Can anyone relate to these or add to them?

I feel older already! :D :lol:

[dwasson]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[dwasson]

A blonde calls her Boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help m. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

He asks,"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these
pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[MM03MOK]

Go Fish!

[Haggis]

BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER


1. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

2. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

5. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

7. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

8. Things you buy now won't wear out.

9. You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.

10. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

11. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

12. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.

13. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

14. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

15. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

16. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

17. You got cable TV for the weather channel.

18. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

19. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

20. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

21. You send money to PBS.

22. You sing along with the elevator music.

23. You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn.

24. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

25. Your back goes out more than you do.

26. Your ears are hairier than your head.

27. Your eyes won't get much worse.

28. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

29. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

30. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

31. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

[MM03MOK]

BOO!!!

[Long Live #3]

Kiss my arse! :lol:

[Haggis]

MOTHER'S MILK



Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last

question, worth 70 points or none at all was: Name seven advantages of

mothers milk. The student in question had also partied the night before,

and was hard put to think of 7 advantages: He wrote:



1. It is a perfect formula for the child.



2. It provides immunity against several diseases.



3. It is always available as needed.



4. It is always at the right temperature



5. It is inexpensive.



6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.



And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating

the end of the test was rang, he wrote:



7. It comes in such cute containers.



He was the only student to ace (100%) the exam.



Can anyone say LUNCH!!:D :D

[Dr Caleb]

Originally posted by Long Live #3
Kiss my arse! :lol:

I would but...

[Bobby Clobber]

Dateline New York,

In a recent attempt to understand reasons behind the frequent roll-overs and overall instability of SUV's, the AAA installed "black boxes" in all new Suv's sold in the contential USA .

These boxes measured such things as speed, road conditions, attitude, braking, etc as well as monitored the drivers' reactions and voice recordings immediately prior to a rollover/ incident.

The purpose was obviously to interpret data and use same to provide preventive engineering solutions to decrease such incidents .

Findings included excess speed , abrupt maneuvering , poor road conditions, wind and so on and applied universally to all states in no discernable pattern.

One disturbing factor did come to light in analysis of voice recordings .

In 47 of the states the voice recording seconds before the incident included phrases like
"Holy ****"
" Oh ****"
and "Damn it"

In Texas the overwhelming phrase just prior to 98% of incidents began

" Hold my beer Cleatus and watch this"

(Feel free to insert favourite State, province, city as is appropriate.)

[PhastPhil]

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Joe and his wife Joni listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Joe leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

[MM03MOK]

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person . (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day:
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Now.....there, doesn't that just touch your heart?

Courtesy of Moparzz

[TooManyFords]

The importance of using proper punctuation

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria


Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

[Dr Caleb]

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important.

[dwasson]

Subject: COWS from every view point!

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.



REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?



SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.



AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.



IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.



POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.



CALIFORNIAN

You have a cow and a bull.

The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn't.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
the children".

Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The cow starves to death.

The NY Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault

[dwasson]

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a Middle Eastern looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?

Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think?

What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer: BANG!

Southern Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

[Haggis]

There is a Scotsman going to college in England.
His mother comes down to visit him and asks how everything is going.
He tells her everything is fine, but his roommates are crazy.
His mother asks him what is wrong.
He tells her that his one roommate is constantly banging his head on the wall and his other roommate sits at his desk and screams all the time.
She asks him how does he manage and he replies, Oh I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.

[Bobby Clobber]

See CVSport LX vs MM in new posts.

[Murader03]

Subject: dear meat:


A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy
eaters,and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"
"You'll see", says his dad.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."

The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's
ass-hole!"

[martyo]

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about,
"What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the
attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically,

"For crying out loud . . . don't you ever stop?"

[Haggis]

Dear Billy Joe Bob,
>
> I'm writing this slow because I know you can't
> read fast. We don't live where we did when you left
> home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most
> accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we
> moved. I won't be able to send you the address because
> the last family that lived here took the house numbers
> when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their
> address.
>
> This place is really nice. It even has a washing
> machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last
> week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain,
> we haven't seen it since.
>
> The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice
> last week; the first time for three days and the
> second time for four days.
>
> About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle
> Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail
> with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them
> in the pockets.
>
> Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We
> were really worried because it took him two hours to
> get me and your father out.
>
> Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't
> found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an
> aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
>
> Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.
> Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off
> and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three
> days.
>
> Three of your friends went off a bridge in a
> pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the
> window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were
> in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get
> the tailgate down.
>
> Your Favorite Aunt,

[martyo]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears
the most awful,blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone
having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood
curdling screams.

"Oh my God,"says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head
drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be ***** and
sodomized."

"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for
that.

[Ross]

Three nuns die and go to the pearly gates. Saint Peter meets them and says, " Before I can let you in, I have to give you a little test about the Bible."
He asks the first nun, "Who was the first man?" She replies"Adam." He says, "Correct, come on in."
He asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman?" She replies "Eve." He says "Correct, come on in."
He asks the third nun,"What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun is stumped, and says"Hmmmm, that's a hard one." He says "Correct, come on in."

[Ross]

A man was married to a woman who complained about everything he did, and everything about him. He finally got so fed up he told her,"The next time you complain about me, I'm going to shoot you."
While the husband was gone to work the next day, the wife was busy hanging new pictures in the living room, but was having trouble getting them arranged properly. Just as the husband came in from work, the wife said "Dammit, they're just not hanging right!"
He shot her.

[Haggis]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm
tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Bin Ladden. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice.

Real nice.

Thanks alot,

[jgc61sr2002]

Gordon - Cool:D :up:

[BillyGman]

is granted an oppurtunity to talk w/God face to face. He sits at his creator's feet and learns of some of his infinite wisdom. Later on that day he walks and talks w/God just as Adam once did in the garden of eden. And then towards the end of this extraordinary day that this man had, God says to him that he will grant him one wish, and will give to him anything that he desires. So the man looks at God and says "I want you to give to me the biggest bridge that anyone has ever seen before." God looks the man in the eye and says "I'm the creator of the universe, the Alpha & Omega, the first and the last, and have all the powers that be in my hand, and out of all the great things that I can do for you, you want me to build you a bridge? Isn't there anything more important or substantial that you can think of to ask me to do?" So the man then replies, "Okay, I want to know and precisely understand women. I want to be able to realize the reasons why they do the things that they do. I want to be able to understand what they feel and how they think so that I can better know how to please them, and to be a blessing to them".......so God ponders over this for a few seconds, and then replies: "So do you want two lanes on that bridge or four?"

[Dr Caleb]

Now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit depot.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. , but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon , when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

[Murader03]

----- Subject: FW: Why Math is Taught in School (Written By A Very Wise Man)


> I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
> driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to
> have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
>
> This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
> arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
>
> "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
>
> I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
> whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
>
> I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
>
> That's 96 miles each day.
>
> Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
>
> Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
>
> There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
>
> That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
>
> Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
> I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
>
> That brings the number to something like 36,000
> cars that I pass every day.
>
> Statistically, females drive half of these.
>
> That's 18,000 women drivers!
>
> In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
>
> That's 642.
>
> According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life
> as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
>
> That's 449.
>
> According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
> females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
>
> That's 98.
>
> And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
>
> That's 33.
>
> According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all
> females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
>
> That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at
> least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men
> are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide
> or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
>
> Flip one off? . I think not!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
>
>



----- End forwarded message -----

[woaface]

A farmer has three daughters, and all are getting ready for their big dates tonight.

The first guy comes to the door and knocks and when the farmer answers he says "Hey, my name's Joe, I'm here to pick up Flow, we're going to the Show, is she ready to go?"
Farmer says "Yeah sure, let me get her"
And off they go.
Next guy comes to the door and knocks and when the farmer answers he says "Hi there sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to have some spaghetti, is she ready?"
"Yeah sure she is" says the farmer...
And she comes down and off they go.
Third guy comes to the door, and he knocks on the door and when the farmer opens it he says "Hey my name's Chuck..."
And the farmer shoots him

[dwasson]

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won €500,000. "You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter,"but for €1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?

(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin 'ell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy, how did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."

"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[SouLRioT]

Micheal Jackson is changing his ranch's name from Neverland Ranch to Nevertellyourparents Ranch.

[woaface]

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven.

When they get to the gates and speak with St. Peter, he tells them they must remember the one and only rule they have in heaven. He tells them that there are ducks in heaven and that they are not to be stepped on!

The women take note of this and as they enter they see tons of ducks all over the place, and they find it a challange to keep from steping on them.

After one day, one of the women stepped on a duck. St. Peter comes along with the ugliest man she has ever seen, and chains them together. "This is your punishment" he says "and you must stay with this man for eternity!"

A couple of weeks later, after being very careful about everywhere they walked, the other women accidentally steps on a duck. Along comes St. Peter and he chains her to the ugliest man she has ever seen. "This is your punishment" he says, and he walks off.

Months go by, and the last woman has been very careful and has never made contact between her feet and any of the ducks. As she is resting, St. Peter comes along with the most handsome man she has ever seen. She jumps to her feet and St. Peter chains them together and walks off. She says to the man "Well what's this about?!" and he says "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[Dr Caleb]

Jean Chretien awoke one morning to a glorious day. The sky was clear, and the sun was bright and radiant. Jean decided to walk to Parliament Hill.

As he was walking, he looked up at the sun, and said,

"Mister Sun, who is de greatest Prime Minister dis country has ever had?"

The sun beamed down upon Jean, and in a booming voice responded, "Jean, there is no doubt that you are the greatest Prime Minister that Canada has ever had!"

Jean's chest puffed out, and he arrived at work feeling wonderful and important. He had a marvelous day. So marvelous that he decided to walk home.

The evening was as glorious as it had been the morning. As he walked, he looked up at the setting sun and asked,

"So, Mr. Sun, am I not de greatest Prime Minister Canada has ever had?"

The Sun looked down at him, and in a booming voice, responded, "Jean, you are an A*SHOLE. This country has never seen a worse Prime Minister in its entire history."

Taken aback, Jean responded, "But dis morning, you said dat I was de greatest Prime Minister dis country has ever had. Why did you change your mind?

"This morning, I was in the East. Tonight, I'm in the West."

[TooManyFords]

Ok, I didn't get this one... Inside Canada humor?

[Dr Caleb]

Originally posted by TooManyFords
Ok, I didn't get this one... Inside Canada humor?

Yes, very inside. Western Canadians pretty much hate Cretien.

[woaface]

It works on a global level too...eh?

[dwasson]

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man... "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

[woaface]

lol...ouch

[Dr Caleb]

If Microsoft Built Cars

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a
new car.

2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason;
accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some
strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only
run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced
with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars,
forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many
years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the
packaging would be supurb.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what
happened.

13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their
engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point
fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you
could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14. There would be an "Engine Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be
slower on most existing roads.

15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would
only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes.
Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any
roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free,
including IBM!

17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11),
then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive
much faster, and on more roads!

18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow
your friend's, and then copy it.

19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition
for a few days before it worked.

20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to
each other.




This could only be funnier, if it were true:

Oh! Look!

http://asia.cnet.com/newstech/systems/0,39001153,39130270,00.htm

[SergntMac]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks, "what for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband." He says, "sorry, I can't do that."

The woman reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He pauses a moment, then says, "you didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

[MERCMAN]

One day, a woodcutter was cutting the branch of a tree above a river -- when his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No, it is not."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "Sorry, that that is not mine."
The Lord went down again and came up with a slightly worn and rusty iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later, the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the same riverbank, and his wife "fell" into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my dear beloved wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came back up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. You do not understand. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, then I knew you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would ! have come up with my wife."
As woodcutter continued, "Had I then said 'yes,' then you would have given me all three. Lord, I am but a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT is why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story ... and we're sticking to it!

[amerikan]

Two couples who have been friends for years decide to spend the weekend at a fancy hotel. When they get there one of the husbands suggests they get a little wild and swtich partners. After two hours of solid sex by the fireside, the man turns to his new partner and says,"wow this is the best sex i've had in years." "yeah" the other lover agrees. " I wonder how the girls are doing."

[TooManyFords]

Ok, you're fired. You don't get to play anymore....

:)

John

[RCSignals]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,"explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled.

My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said,'That's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.

"And we lived happily ever after".

[RCSignals]

Originally posted by Dr Caleb
Yes, very inside. Western Canadians pretty much hate Cretien.

I got it. A very good one :)

[Bigdogjim]

Q.Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
A.It wasn't IBM compatible.

[Bigdogjim]

There is a new organization called Workaholics Anonumous.
Whenever you get the urge to put in an eight-hour day, you call them up, and they send over two goverment workers to talk to you:)

[Haggis]

...we're coming to get you. One day we will find your SORRY A$$.

[Bigdogjim]

There were two blondes working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but could’t understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what’s the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.”
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, “Well, normally we are a three-girl team, but the girl who plants the trees is sick today”....

[martyo]

One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decided to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot on a water hazard hole with a notorious reputation.

So, Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into the worst water hazards.

Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the flag.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey, Moses that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."

So Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses. The ball heads straight into the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches from the pin.

Moses says, "Wow! that was an incredible shot!"

No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind whips up and lightning streaks across the sky. THUNDER pounds all around them.

Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same treacherous water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads high into the darkened sky. A bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out, and drops into the hole.


Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!"

[Haggis]

Here is a Christmas carol you don't hear every day.



BKHoliday <http://load.pquinn.com/binaries/fries/>

[SHERIFF]

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY MEMOS

December 1
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can
be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry
Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

----------------------------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that
often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy
Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

----------------------------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the
gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel
that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

----------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the rest rooms. Gays
are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the
gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

----------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Rat Races

----------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit
at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard
them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Office Witch

----------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

[dwasson]

DEAR SANTA

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a **** book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,
Sarah


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,
Teddy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,
Francis

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're retarded.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,
Susan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,
Thomas

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love,
Jessica

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Love,
Timmy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,
Marky

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your *** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get into your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,
Santa

[SHERIFF]

A man in Arizona calls his son in Michigan two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in New York and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Arizona immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and yells to his wife. "Honey, I have some good news! The kids are coming for Christmas! They're even paying their own way this year!"

[TripleTransAm]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[SHERIFF]

An Al Bundy joke.....

One boobie said to the other saggy boobie: "If we don't get some
support soon, people will think we're nuts."

[SHERIFF]

A guy and his wife arrives from a business trip and goes to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town.

The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp." The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well." The waiter a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?" The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself"

[SHERIFF]

After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, the wife wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with their eight children -- all under age 11.

Collecting their many suitcases, the ten of them entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''

''Yes, sir, they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered... ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

[martyo]

Originally posted by SHERIFF
the wife wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with her eight siblings -- all under age 11

Not to sound like an attorney here or anything (god forbid!), but wouldn't this joke be funnier if these were her children rather than her siblings?

[SHERIFF]

Yeah. Typo. :)

[SHERIFF]

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."

[Haggis]

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no
answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he
took out a card and wrote Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this
cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov 17:22a)

[MERCMAN]

FEMALE VOCABULARY

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -
this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an
even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she
is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay
content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not
to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing"
:coolman:

[dwasson]

What is the diiference in a puppy scratching at the door and a woman?

The puppy will stop whining when you let him in.

[SHERIFF]

A page full of funny jokes and images............. :)

http://www.drbukk.com/joke.html

[MapleLeafMerc]

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for one day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing boat?

[SHERIFF]

The husband had reading the book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward."

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax."

" And, then when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The ******ing funeral director," said his wife.

[SHERIFF]

There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends
and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year
and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when
one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.

One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox
game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff
returns to earth to see his friend.

"Hi, John."

"Cliff, is it really you?"

"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John,
there's good news and bad news."

"Okay. What's the good news?"

"There is baseball in heaven."

"The bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[TooManyFords]

ANALOGIES YOU PROBABLY WON'T FIND IN GREAT LITERATURE:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)

[SHERIFF]

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Stick his bill up his butt.

[SHERIFF]

Joe was hanging in a bar and his friends asked him if he had scored lately. Joe told his friends man I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever, the only problem was she was a total Butterface!

His friends asked him, "What the heck is a Butterface?"

Joe answered, "Everything about her was hot, BUT HER FACE!"

[SHERIFF]

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just ***** me twice!"

He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he ***** you the first time?"


She says, "Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time."

[SHERIFF]

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up
on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[SHERIFF]

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the
man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic
pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and
yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going
ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her
steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to
blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at
the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the
intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself,
screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the
intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up
at very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off
her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at
what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders
her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he
orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and
takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted,
photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the
door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the
original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, "I'm
really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license
plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me
to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[SHERIFF]

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO...

Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

[SHERIFF]

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go
out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his
wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did
everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the
doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the
baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest
and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good
for up to 10 lbs!"

[SHERIFF]

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said..."Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.

[PhastPhil]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a
hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all
the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when
suddenly, Lulu's grandma came around the corner.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother
that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just
lining up for some.

"Wow, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and
she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he asked, "Wow, still going at it at
your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the
skin back and suck them dry."

The policeman fainted.

[dwasson]

A woman was leaving a 7-11 market with her morning coffee when she noticed most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse, about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit-bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.



The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and know that now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"



The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."



"What happened to him?"



The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."



She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"



“His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.



"Can I borrow the dog?" The other woman replied:



"Get in line."

[SHERIFF]

WITH GREAT WISDOM COMES COMPLETE IGNORANCE

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high
esteem.

One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates,
do you know what I just heard about your best friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
best friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're
going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates.

"So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second
filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about
my best friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about my best friend, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though,
because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my best friend going to be useful to me?"

"No.........ahh......... not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was
banging his wife...

[R Dean]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green
red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[dwasson]

Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. I'd like to be the first to welcome you aboard for our non-stop flight from France to New York's LaGuardia Airport.

Our flight attendants will be out shortly to provide pre-boarding instructions. Just wanted to remind you to fasten your seatbelt and turn off all electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones.

Until then, relax, and thank you for flying with us.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Hello passengers, this is your captain.

Wanted to discuss the concerns you likely have about the recent terrorist threats regarding their attempts to hijack another airplane. Just wanted to say that there's no need to worry about this flight: we have an armed air marshal aboard.

I'd like to take this time to welcome him, and thank him in advance for his time and service.
Hello passengers, we have just climbed to our cruising altitude of 36,000 feet. I expect we'll be landing in New York in about nine hours.

At this time, I'm turning off the fasten seatbelt sign, so please feel free to walk about the cabin and use the restroom as necessary.

We hope you have a pleasant flight.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Well, passengers, looks like I spoke too soon about that seatbelt sign. The air marshal has requested that for our safety I keep it on. If you do need to get up to walk about the cabin or use the restroom, just let him know.

We're just now heading over the Atlantic Ocean, so we'll be starting the on-flight movies for you. This week we have S.W.A.T., starring Colin Farrell, and Uptown Girls, starring Brittany Murphy.
Just as soon as whoever took the air marshal's copy of Golf Illustrated returns it to him, he'll give us permission to start those movies.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just spoke with our onboard air marshal, who tells me that during a sweep of the cabin he was unable to find any terrorists.

For risking his life for us in this manner, he's requesting that we spontaneously begin singing "for he's a jolly good fellow." So, I guess without further delay, a one, and a two...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Passengers, this is your captain. The air marshal wants to know why you would insult him. Otherwise, he asks, why would you think a dollar could get you into the bathroom? The rate is currently $20 a person, and the marshal wants to remind you that there is no discount for children.

Additionally, he reminds you, real men don't pee their pants.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Passengers, the air marshal tells me he once shot a terrorist in the foot.

For anyone interested, he's willing to tell the story of how it happened for $10 for the first five minutes, and only a dollar for each additional minute after that.

Regardless, he's asking that we take a moment to salute this accomplishment by singing to him. So, without further delay, a one, and a two....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry to bother you again, passengers, but the air marshal has reminded us that this flight is technically governed by his laws, as we are flying over the ocean and not under the jurisdiction of any country

I'm pretty sure he's wrong, but seeing that he does have a gun, I am not at liberty to argue, so we are asked to follow these orders:


* Drinking alcoholic beverages is prohibited

* Except by the air marshal.

* Just don't watch the air marshal drink.

* Don't watch him give alcohol to his gun.

* Act normal in his presence.

* Don't make direct eye contact with him.

* Don't make direct eye contact with his gun.

* Please don't make any sudden movements, or shift in your seat.

* But please don't sit too calmly.

* But don't stand up, either.

* But don't crouch.

* Ask him anything you want, except why he wasn't accepted into the Marines.

* Any female on board that reminds him of his mother will receive a special discount on use of the bathroom.

* All items stowed in the seat in front of you now belong to him.

* The Marines suck ass.

* And finally, every five minutes we are to sing "for he's a jolly good fellow." A one, and a two...
Thank you, passengers. Fortunately, we're almost to New York.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Passengers, the air marshal would like to personally thank each and every one of you for letting him wave his gun around indiscriminately at you as he told the story of his last divorce.
For those that offered Kleenex, he truly appreciates that.

To the gentleman that hugged him, he does apologize for shooting you in the kneecap.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well passengers, looks we'll be making our descent into New York's LaGuardia Airport in just a few minutes. Just like to thank you for flying with us today.

It was an interesting flight, to say the least. But the air marshal wishes to remind you all that we made it here alive, and that's all that matters.

And for that, he, oh god no, he wants us to sing to him.

One last time, a one, and a two...

[SHERIFF]

MIRROR MIRROR

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror.

But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you
disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and
decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.

"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The redhead goes up to try.

"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The blonde goes up.

"I think......"

"POOF!" She disappears!

[SHERIFF]

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between
the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing
little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to
rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first
play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino
was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5
yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who
stopped the elephant?" "I did" said the centipede. "Who stopped the
rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede. "And how about the
hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well,"
said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[Marauderman]

Well , it's been almost a year (believe March ) when this started - and I love all these jokes ,.. so my turn...

In the high school wood working shop class , the instructor started out the the class by saying he was going to cover the use of the nail , screw and the bolt.

The instructor thought it best to ask the class if they knew the difference between these items..so Judy, the classes only female student, was first to raise her hand and she said she knew two of them real well but she said she
wasn't sure about the third..and when asked by the instructor,, she said,, well , those others , yeah , but I've never been bolted , so I dont know what that one is!

[SHERIFF]

A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter issues him a white robe, a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on. The guy thinks this is great.

One day he sees another cloud float by. The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, naked woman and a keg of beer with him.

The first guy finds St. Peter and complains to him. "How come this guy gets a gorgeous babe and keg of beer, when all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp?

St. Peter says, "I know just who you're talking about. He's being punished."

The guy can't believe what he's hearing. "How can that be?" , he asks.

"Well," says St. Peter, "The keg has a hole in it, and the girl doesn't."

[Marauderman]

A guy goes into the pharmacy and ask the pharmacist, wheres' that butt deordant? Pharmacist replies--don't sell that--man says- yes you do-- I bought some last month! Pharmacist replies, you must have made a mistake--Customer continues and finally pharmacist says--do you have the container you bought last time--man says--yes--I'll go get it, you'll see.. a few moments and the customer returns and says to the pharmiast --see here-- this is it--pharmacist replies--sorry pal- this is under arm deordant--customer replies--yeah--thats right --thats what I want--pharmacist replies--but that is not butt deordant--customer replies --yes it is--see- read the directions--it clearly says to push up bottom to use!!

[kurly]

on the eternal question...Why did the Chicken cross the Road?
?

I feel sorry for the chicken! :cry:

[martyo]

This should keep you guys busy for a while:</PRE>

http://www.praesentia.us/archives/dishonestdubya.html (http://65.54.244.250/cgi-bin/linkrd?_lang=EN&lah=9e6425b7b81a3cb29c4e10e52d a67243&lat=1074333069&hm___action=http%3a%2f%2fwww%2 epraesentia%2eus%2farchives%2f dishonestdubya%2ehtml)</PRE>

:lol:</PRE>

[paheff]

A guy wakes up one morning to find that his alarm clock didn't go off and he is running late. He wakes his wife and says, " Honey, I overslept, could you iron my shirt while I shower? I'm going to be late for work."
To which she replies, " I went to a NOW meeting with my friend yesterday and they really taught me alot. It's your shirt, you iron it."
The guy curses under his breath and takes his shower. While he's ironing his shirt, he asks his wife if she'll make his lunch so he won't be late.
She says " It's your lunch, you make it".
The guy bites his tongue, and while he's making his lunch, notices that his keys are not hanging on the hook by the door. "Honey, have you seen my keys? I really need to be on time."
She replies,"Theyr'e your keys, you find them".
At this point the poor guy has had about all he can take and says, " It looks like you are not going to see me for a few days".
The wife says " You just go ahead and do whatever you think you need to do".
Sure enough, one day passes and she doesn't see him. Two days pass and she still doesn't see him. On the third day, she just can see him out of her left eye.


No offense intended to any of the fairer sex. My wife thought it was hilarious.

[paheff]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs,put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top tobottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a beautiful cat.


The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the
bird.
Thecat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled outof the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced abill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
wouldhave been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

[jgc61sr2002]

[QUOTE=martyo]This should keep you guys busy for a while:

Marty - That was very funny. He He. :D

[R Dean]

Weather Sucks!!! Cabin Fever, tired of staring at your Marauder thru the Window ??? Play SWAT !!! :D


http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm

[SHERIFF]

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really
know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

[SHERIFF]

Weather Sucks!!! Cabin Fever, tired of staring at your Marauder thru the Window ??? Play SWAT !!! :D


http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm


If you ignore the flies when they first enter the room, and let them keep bouncing off the walls, they get bigger. Then when you swat them it's much more exciting! :)

[Long Live #3]

I killed 140 before I got bored.

[martyo]

I killed 140 before I got bored.
Ummmm.....oh never mind!

[Mike M]

Don't read this ...this is a test.

[martyo]

Don't read this ...this is a test.
Mike: You failed! You were supposed to use the "Test" Forum! :uzi:

[SHERIFF]

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

[hatrick68]

Q: When is Michael Jackson's bed time?



A: When the big hand is on the little hand.:nono:

[Dr Caleb]

This is tragic, yet funny. I feel like this every day.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3410547.stm

[R Dean]

This is tragic, yet funny. I feel like this every day.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3410547.stm

Makes for a nice story.......

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/d/deadatwork.htm

[R Dean]

A lot of people have asked where the saying "You gotta be ****tin me"
came from.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his
troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and
storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of
the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could
see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging
the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his
troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no
avail. All of them felt terrible for the Corporal had been one their
favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet
and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must
go on.

An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of
his men said,"General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the
lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't
know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve
all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his
men standing there. A huge smile came across her face to see so many
men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm General George Washington and these are
my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and
comfort for a while. Again the Madam looked at all the men standing
there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have
come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.

How many men do you have?"
Washington said "Well mam, there are thirty two of us without Peters."

Madam said, "You gotta be ****tin me!

[Dr Caleb]

Makes for a nice story.......

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/d/deadatwork.htm

I think the BBC checks it's facts, but you never know.

[martyo]

Most of the people that work for me are brain dead. Does that count for anything?

[71red]

Man walks into a drug store with his 10-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display, picks up a package of 3 condoms and asks, "Why are there three in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaims the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

[R Dean]

Most of the people that work for me are brain dead. Does that count for anything?

Ummmm….Possible legal liability, failure to comply with Federal and State regulations governing biohazard protocol for the proper disposal human waste material. :shot:

Subject: A little inspiration.............

The owner of a well-established, very well respected, third generation
family-owned garment business met with his Board of Directors. Due to the
recession, business had been very bad. Sales were down and costs were up.
The owner and his wife had poured every penny they had back into the
business in the hope of keeping it afloat, but still things looked very precarious.
The Board of Directors offered no solutions, so as a last resort the owner decided
to seek advice from his Rabbi. He poured out the story, with tears running down
his face about the three generations of family sacrifice that had gone into building this
once-thriving business. He ended by asking plaintively, "So Rabbi, what should I do?"

The Rabbi, a very old and wise man, said nothing for a long time, and then
quietly intoned: "So here's vat I vant you should do. Get a beach chair,
and a Bible. Put dem in your car. Drive down to the water's edge. Sit in
dis beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap, and let the vind from the
sea rifle the pages of the open Bible ..."

"Yes Rabbi ...yes?!..." encouraged the business owner, completely at a loss
for any better ideas.

"... and ven the pages stop turning in the vind I vant you should look down
at dat page, and read the first thing you see. And dat vill be vat you
must do." pronounced the Rabbi with great certainty.

A year passes ... and the business owner (not a very religious man) returns
to pay a visit to the Rabbi. The man is wearing a brand new $2000 handmade
Italian suit; his wife looked stunning in her new mink coat; they had
driven to see the Rabbi in their brand new BMW 740i Sedan. The business
owner discreetly pulled the Rabbi aside and slipped an envelope to him,
stuffed with money. "Rabbi" he whispered, "this is a little something for you
and your wife, and here's also a check for $25,000 toward your congregation."

The Rabbi, although very old, remembered the man.
"So, you did vat I said?"

"Absolutely!"

"You vent to the beach?"

"Yes I did!"

"And you sat in the beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap?"

"Yes Rabbi. Absolutely!"

"And you let the vind rifle through the pages until they stopped?"

"Absolutely!"

"And vat vere the first words that you read on that page?"

"Chapter Eleven."

[Haggis]

Count the number of F's in the following text:

no cheating !!


FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS


Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!

OK?

How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six!!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS


The reasoning is ... ...

The brain cannot process the word "OF".

[SHERIFF]

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.

"It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed.
"But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, cut the crap, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."

[Dr Caleb]

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS


Wrong, there are six!!
.

Ummm, I count 5 dude! :lol:

[TAF]

Ummm, I count 5 dude! :lol:You forgot the second "OF"...dude.



FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

[Dr Caleb]

You forgot the second "OF"...dude.

What second "OF"? :lol:

What? Do I gotta draw you a line? :)

[hatrick68]

This looks fun to do to a friend.

http://www.embarrassing.us/dp/2-79.htm
:lol:

[Haggis]

What second "OF"? :lol:

What? Do I gotta draw you a line? :)


Gottcha Dude. :lol:

Thanks TAF. :up:

[Dr Caleb]

Gottcha Dude. :lol:

Thanks TAF. :up:

Man. . . I hate explaining sarcasm. . . "The Brain doesn't process the work 'Of'" get it? "What second 'of'" ?

Nevermind. . . :depress:

[Dr Caleb]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, which stops bright ideas from penetrating

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Decaffalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when coming at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the Grand Winner is:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.