Military Humor

[High-C]

Enjoy...

http://www.tom-phillips.info/images/funny.military.htm

[Hacklemerc]

My Dad has a good story that I'll share with you guys... He was in the Navy during Vietnam on a carrier off the coast. Everyday when they sent planes and choppers inland they (the aircraft) would recieve fire from a "friendly" village just off the coast. They were not clear to engage the village soooo... they took a 50 gallon drum and welded bomb lugs onto it. They then set it on the hangar deck and everyone used it for a toilet during work hours until it filed up with all sorts of unpleasantness. Once full, a lid was welded onto it and then it was placed on a fighter headed inland. The next run inland the barrel was dropped into the village. Dad said they never received any fire from the village the whole rest of his time there. 50 gallons worth of human waste must have really ruined thier day.

[Krytin]

The first "Dirty Bomb" used in modern warfare!

[Bluerauder]

Enjoy...

Thanks, Chris. Quite a few good chuckles in there. The airborne "moon" and the co-pilot reading Penthouse are my favorites. Honorable mention to the trailed wagon with the M60 MG mounted. :up:

Humor in the military is absolutely essential. There were some days that just wouldn't have made it through without some humor to offset the situation.

[TAKEDOWN]

LOL... Brings back a lot of military memories!

[offroadkarter]

I lol'd

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[Dr Caleb]

Things I Learned While On Duty

-------------------------

If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
My proper military title is not 'Princess Anastasia'.
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
Not allowed to title any report 'Get Over it'.
Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
Not allowed to join the communist party.
Not allowed to join any militia.
Not allowed to form any militia.
Not allowed out of my barracks when dignitaries visit.
Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' or 'Apocalypse Now' at the rifle range.
Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
God may not contradict any of my orders.
May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
Must not taunt the French any more.
Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. (British Special Air Services)
Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'

[Dr Caleb]

Had to break this in three parts. ;)

---------
Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during air jump operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death/ I'm off to meet my maker')
Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Korean and Spanish-American War aren't over).
Our medic is not called 'Dr. Feelgood'.
Our supply Sgt is not 'Sugar Daddy'.
Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
I do not have super-powers.
Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. And they can still see me.
I am not the atheist chaplain.
I am not allowed to 'Go to the peeler bar and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
I am not authorized to fire officers.
I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
‘The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 50% + 1 majority.
Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to Separation pay. (given to married couples)
There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
There is no ‘Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'.
May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.
I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
May not wear gimp mask from Pulp Fiction while on duty.
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not wave my hand and tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

[Dr Caleb]

I may not call block my chain of command.
I am neither the King nor Queen of Cheese.
"Stop! Hammer Time!" is not a cadence.
Not allowed to wear a dress to any formal functions.
May not bring a drag queen to the formal dance.
Must not start any Situation Report with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.
Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
Gozer the Gozerian does not dwell in my refrigerator. (Ghostbusters)
The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon. (Vehicles)
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
My commander is not old enough to have fought in the Boer war, and I should stop implying that he did.
Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
Never, ever, attempt to correct a British Royal Marine officer about anything.
I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
I cannot trade my Commanding Officer to the Russians.
Crucifying mice - bad idea.
Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
I cannot arrest children for being rude.
I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.
Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Serbian, Albanian or Russian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® I.V. drip is acceptable.
The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
No line dancing in the tower. This especially applies in conjunction with previous rule.
The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole f'king village!’ while out on a mission is bad.
Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
Even if my commander did it.
Must not teach interpreters how to make field ration bombs.
I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized.
I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window. (used to determine distance for firing a weapon)
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke.
Putting 'Mike and Ike's' into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
Must not create new DND forms, then insist they be filled out.
On Sports Day, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, Chem-Light ® batteries, Left handed screwdrivers or a bucket of cold steam.
Shouldn't treat 'pee-bottles' with extra-strength Absorbine Jr.
Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
The revolution is not now.
When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
No part of the military uniform is edible.
Bodychecking officers is not a good idea.
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
I do not get 'that time of month'.
Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
Not allowed to 'defect'during training missions.
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
'A full clip and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
Furby is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DND policy).
We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
On personelle documents, my race is not 'Other'.
Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups.
When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
My name is not a killing word. (Dune)
I am not the Emperor of anything.
Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
Our assault vehicles cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
Shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
I am not allowed to give tattoos.
I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, 10 pounds of salt and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal.
NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
Don't write up false problem on a motor pool vehicle. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
Must not go on deployments require a security clearance that I don't have, even if I'm told repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
If I paint stripes on a rock and call it "Sgt. Rock" it is not in my chain of command.
A General can field promote a rock to Sgt.
I must salute "Sgt. Rock" when I pass it.
No, the pants are not optional.
The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted Lucky Charms'.

[Hacklemerc]

All very usefull lessons....:beer::lol:

[Taemian]

Wow. Waaaay too much info for a simple grunt to remember. I'll just stick with " Incoming fire has the right of way ".:)

[PRCARGUY]

I almost could not stop laughing. :rofl: Thanks Dr Caleb.:bows:

[TAKEDOWN]

Wow. Waaaay too much info for a simple grunt to remember. I'll just stick with " Incoming fire has the right of way ".:)

oh yeah and never be in a fox hole with a battle buddy that's braver then you!