CBT
05-21-2009, 06:48 PM
...or, alternate title, how to crap yourself in .099 seconds flat.
As some of you know, I hate my cat. The only thing stopping me from killing this furry little kiss from Satan is I'm afraid it will come back as a ghost. Or worse, like that cat from Pet Cemetary, except angrier, and with a smaller bladder. Case in point: Men, you know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night, or morning, or whenever, and you have a certain "situation" in your upper crotch/groin area? (And for the real men, like me, this "situation" applies clear on up to your six pack abs area) Well, I cover it, cause I've seen Halas eyeballing it like it was a cat-nip covered scratching post. So I don't trust her enough to kill her. Sad, huh? Check this out, a couple months back, after a 4 hour quickie, cause that's how I roll (thanks, Enzyte!), I get hungry for a midnight snack. I know this house like Zack knows Marauder tunes, inside and out. I don't need lights to find my way around in the dark. Amy isn't a neat freak, but she likes to keep things organized, cause I'm quick to slap her if'n she don't. Just go along with me here. So check out our pantry:
15872
I can reach in and grab things in the dark, I know where everthing is. Midnight snack of choice, cereal. Minez are usually on the bottom shelf, Case Jr. and Amy's right above. Now, after 6 hours of sweet sweet lovin, I announce "I'M DONE!", make my Olympic style dismount, and head down for some Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. Lights out, I know where it is, done this before, no problem. Buuuuuuuuut this time was different. Ever farted in front of a dog and they **** their head to one side and look at you like "Did you say something?" Well I did that exact same thing when I realized I didn't just grab the Cap'n. And then all Hell broke loose. I heard a HSSSSS and silly me, instead of letting go, I go into attack mode and sieze whatever this furry thing is in my hand and yank it violently towards me. (heck, it worked on prom night 21 years ago) Halas did not like this. Since it was her freakin' head. Now keep in mind, I still havn't, how can I put this politely, put away my erector set? Is that safe to say? Groping around in the dark for some "fur" is usually USUALLY fun, not this time my friends. Never, and I mean never never ever, yank an angry cat towards your naked crotch. You will lose. (mainly blood) I screamed so loud I actually stopped screaming and thought "what the hell is that?!", realized it was me screaming, and quickly resumed screaming again. Halas had 2 paws in my package area, 2 paws in my left forearm, and her fangs in my left thumb. At some point, one of us crapped on the linolium. I blame the cat. Amy yells down "Jesus, what the F$%K are making?!" "A fool of myself!" I yelled back. "So left overs?" she giggled. Such a smart azz. Anyway, Now I have a bleeding thumb, a bleeding forearm, and scratches so close to mini-Ski it's not even funny, and Cap'n Crunch is scattered all over the kitchen floor cause jackass somehow managed to latch onto the box before she latched onto me. Cap'n crunch actually hurts your bare feet when you are jumping up and down in it like you are playing a life or death game of hop-scotch and the loser wins a flippin' cat from Hell. A day or three later, I took this photo:
15873
She likes to hide in there now, waiting for I guess the next time I take a break from giving Amy the best 8 hours of mattress destroying cuddle time she ever got, so she can get another crack at my groin. Well, jokes on you ya fanged-out four legged furry ****er, I installed 3 of those push button LED lights!!! No more grabbin' p*ssy in the dark, prom night was 21 years ago!!
As some of you know, I hate my cat. The only thing stopping me from killing this furry little kiss from Satan is I'm afraid it will come back as a ghost. Or worse, like that cat from Pet Cemetary, except angrier, and with a smaller bladder. Case in point: Men, you know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night, or morning, or whenever, and you have a certain "situation" in your upper crotch/groin area? (And for the real men, like me, this "situation" applies clear on up to your six pack abs area) Well, I cover it, cause I've seen Halas eyeballing it like it was a cat-nip covered scratching post. So I don't trust her enough to kill her. Sad, huh? Check this out, a couple months back, after a 4 hour quickie, cause that's how I roll (thanks, Enzyte!), I get hungry for a midnight snack. I know this house like Zack knows Marauder tunes, inside and out. I don't need lights to find my way around in the dark. Amy isn't a neat freak, but she likes to keep things organized, cause I'm quick to slap her if'n she don't. Just go along with me here. So check out our pantry:
15872
I can reach in and grab things in the dark, I know where everthing is. Midnight snack of choice, cereal. Minez are usually on the bottom shelf, Case Jr. and Amy's right above. Now, after 6 hours of sweet sweet lovin, I announce "I'M DONE!", make my Olympic style dismount, and head down for some Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. Lights out, I know where it is, done this before, no problem. Buuuuuuuuut this time was different. Ever farted in front of a dog and they **** their head to one side and look at you like "Did you say something?" Well I did that exact same thing when I realized I didn't just grab the Cap'n. And then all Hell broke loose. I heard a HSSSSS and silly me, instead of letting go, I go into attack mode and sieze whatever this furry thing is in my hand and yank it violently towards me. (heck, it worked on prom night 21 years ago) Halas did not like this. Since it was her freakin' head. Now keep in mind, I still havn't, how can I put this politely, put away my erector set? Is that safe to say? Groping around in the dark for some "fur" is usually USUALLY fun, not this time my friends. Never, and I mean never never ever, yank an angry cat towards your naked crotch. You will lose. (mainly blood) I screamed so loud I actually stopped screaming and thought "what the hell is that?!", realized it was me screaming, and quickly resumed screaming again. Halas had 2 paws in my package area, 2 paws in my left forearm, and her fangs in my left thumb. At some point, one of us crapped on the linolium. I blame the cat. Amy yells down "Jesus, what the F$%K are making?!" "A fool of myself!" I yelled back. "So left overs?" she giggled. Such a smart azz. Anyway, Now I have a bleeding thumb, a bleeding forearm, and scratches so close to mini-Ski it's not even funny, and Cap'n Crunch is scattered all over the kitchen floor cause jackass somehow managed to latch onto the box before she latched onto me. Cap'n crunch actually hurts your bare feet when you are jumping up and down in it like you are playing a life or death game of hop-scotch and the loser wins a flippin' cat from Hell. A day or three later, I took this photo:
15873
She likes to hide in there now, waiting for I guess the next time I take a break from giving Amy the best 8 hours of mattress destroying cuddle time she ever got, so she can get another crack at my groin. Well, jokes on you ya fanged-out four legged furry ****er, I installed 3 of those push button LED lights!!! No more grabbin' p*ssy in the dark, prom night was 21 years ago!!