Paul T. Casey
08-19-2009, 12:37 PM
> I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
>
> More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
> about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
> story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
>
> Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
> you're wrong.
>
> I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
> have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
> sticks when they've invented the lighter?
>
> Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
> going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
> going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
> direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check
> your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself
> to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by
> randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
>
> I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
>
> The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
> recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
> ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
>
> Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
> work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
> fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know
> how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or
> FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
>
> There is a great need for sarcasm font.
>
> Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
> suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
>
> I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
> stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
> shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the
> right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
> millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,
> really gets it.
>
> The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
> highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
> decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
> over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that,
> Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my
> hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a
> mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is
> me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.
>
> How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
>
> I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
> take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
>
> I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
> computer history if you die.
>
> The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish
> a text.
>
> A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
> spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
>
> Was learning cursive really necessary?
>
> Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
>
> I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
>
> Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
> test is absolutely petrifying.
>
> Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
> hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
>
> How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
> smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
>
> I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
> prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
>
> Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples,
> I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I
> had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G
> as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
>
> What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
>
> While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
> instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
>
> MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
> know how to get out of my neighborhood.
>
> Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
> person died.
>
> I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
> shower first and THEN turn on the water.
>
> Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
> and you can wear them forever.
>
> I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to
> be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
> overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
>
> I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
>
> Bad decisions make good stories
>
> Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
> If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
> probably just be completely invisible.
>
> Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
> around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
> nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a
> problem...
>
> You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
> when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
> productive for the rest of the day.
>
> Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
> to have to restart my collection.
>
> There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
> to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
>
> I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
> I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I
> did not make any changes to.
>
> "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
>
> I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
> TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me
> if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.
> It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.
> Will we still be friends after this?'
>
> While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
> and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
> when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
>
> I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!),
> but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
> voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
>
> I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
> anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
>
> I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then
> I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
>
> Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
> for pedophiles...
>
> As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
> no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
>
> Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
> know what time it is.
>
> It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
>
> I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
> answer when they call.
>
> I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
> find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the
> fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
>
> Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
> with it.
>
> Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
> in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
> but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3
> feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
>
> My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
> happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
>
> It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
> link takes me to a video instead of text.
>
> I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
> drive behind obeys the speed limit.
>
> I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
>
> I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
> Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
>
> The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
> they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
> someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about
> it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating
> to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.
> There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner
>
> More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
> about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
> story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
>
> Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
> you're wrong.
>
> I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
> have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
> sticks when they've invented the lighter?
>
> Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
> going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
> going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
> direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check
> your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself
> to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by
> randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
>
> I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
>
> The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
> recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
> ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
>
> Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
> work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
> fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know
> how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or
> FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
>
> There is a great need for sarcasm font.
>
> Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
> suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
>
> I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
> stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
> shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the
> right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
> millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,
> really gets it.
>
> The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
> highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
> decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
> over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that,
> Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my
> hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a
> mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is
> me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.
>
> How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
>
> I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
> take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
>
> I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
> computer history if you die.
>
> The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish
> a text.
>
> A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
> spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
>
> Was learning cursive really necessary?
>
> Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
>
> I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
>
> Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
> test is absolutely petrifying.
>
> Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
> hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
>
> How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
> smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
>
> I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
> prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
>
> Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples,
> I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I
> had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G
> as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
>
> What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
>
> While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
> instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
>
> MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
> know how to get out of my neighborhood.
>
> Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
> person died.
>
> I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
> shower first and THEN turn on the water.
>
> Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
> and you can wear them forever.
>
> I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to
> be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
> overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
>
> I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
>
> Bad decisions make good stories
>
> Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
> If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
> probably just be completely invisible.
>
> Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
> around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
> nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a
> problem...
>
> You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
> when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
> productive for the rest of the day.
>
> Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
> to have to restart my collection.
>
> There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
> to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
>
> I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
> I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I
> did not make any changes to.
>
> "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
>
> I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
> TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me
> if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.
> It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.
> Will we still be friends after this?'
>
> While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
> and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
> when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
>
> I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!),
> but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
> voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
>
> I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
> anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
>
> I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then
> I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
>
> Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
> for pedophiles...
>
> As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
> no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
>
> Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
> know what time it is.
>
> It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
>
> I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
> answer when they call.
>
> I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
> find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the
> fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
>
> Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
> with it.
>
> Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
> in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
> but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3
> feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
>
> My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
> happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
>
> It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
> link takes me to a video instead of text.
>
> I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
> drive behind obeys the speed limit.
>
> I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
>
> I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
> Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
>
> The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
> they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
> someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about
> it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating
> to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.
> There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner