I need serious advice

[Motorhead350]

This is about my girlfriend Becky A.K.A. Sheepy on this board. As most of you know her father has recently passed on and it's hitting her pretty hard now. I do my best to support her and be there. Lately, there has been a lot of angry crying, lots of anger and a very short temper. All is usually directed at me for something as simple as laundry or even the pets. I know it all has to come out somehow.

I'm just questioning how I am handling this. I now live with her and see her all the time. She recently started eating worse too. Buttermilk and cookies every night. I don't care about how she looks I am just concerned about her health. Everytime I tell her to take it easy or join me at the gym she get's mad. Like I am being offensive. I asked her to join me a number of times before the death of her father. She did before, but after a few weeks she's done. Also money spending has grown to a peak. Now that she has some it seems to be going out the window. She was going to use it for school, but at this rate I see it all gone before next summer without school being attended.

I have been pointing out her anger, bad eating habits and spending sprees, but this just seems to make her more mad. She also mentions she is depressed and I can't do anything about it because it's not my fault. I know I can't do anything about the death, but what can I do to keep her together? No matter what it seems to be the wrong thing to say.

BTW when you guys see her at another meet please do not mention this thread.

I only asked this because I know some of you have wives/husbands and have gone through chapters like this... this is where you come in. Any useful advice is appreciated.

Thanks!

[babbage]

Give her a few months. That is expected. In the mean time kick ass on the chores, and kiss butt more than you normally would. (Your garage could use a cleaning too - re: tire sale)

All of that you already knew...

[MM03MOK]

Dom, I know you're not a religious person but the following isn't about religion, but believing. You don't need to tell her what she's doing wrong. She knows it. I'm sure it's hard to take when it comes back on you. She's mainfesting her grief through her behavior. She would benefit from some grief counselling - a pastor or support group. While you can make the suggestion, it's up to her to make the decision to do it. It's a very emotional time for her and she's got a lot going on in her head. Give her space and support. That's about all you can do.



Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


--Reinhold Niebuhr

[Egon Spengler]

You need to give it a little while and then address concerns. When she calms down tell her you are concerned for her health and you want to live a long, happy and healthy life with her. Don't push anything on her. Let her do her thing for a while. The wound is still too fresh. Do what you can around the house for her and it wouldn't kill you to bring flowers home for her every once in a while. Show her you are there for her. Do laundry and dishes etc for her. Cook her a nice candlelit dinner. Just show her you are there for her and willing to help her out in any way you can. It is not going to be easy that is for sure. You need to roll with the punches and KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Speak when spoken to, ask if she needs you to go to the store for anything, ask if there is anything you can do around the house. DO THINGS around the house without her asking. Think about what you would want her to do for you if you lost a loved one. Just put your self in her shoes before you open your mouth.

[Blackened300a]

Be supportive and most importantly, be there for her. I went through a phase when my grandfather passed away. It will pass when she finally accepts it and is able to move on. Be patient with her and remind her of the good times she had with her father.

[secretservice]

Egon Spengler is 100 percent correct on all counts. I'd just like to add that once you see a break in the action, things start to lighten up, she's getting better, you need to ask her to attend therapy with you. It is important to talk her grief out, and the person you live with is not always the best person. Push, pull, or drag her there. But until the intense phase starts letting up, be strong, and as mentioned already, roll with the punches. It will get better. If you love her, never give up on her.

Also a question... does she not get on here often? What's keeping her from seeing this thread?

Good luck with this, I hope you can power through it.

[RacerX]

Everyone reacts to losing someone close differently. Some grow strong, some curl up in a ball and close out the world. All need support and a punching bag. She is probably thinking: "Why didn't I call him more/talk to him more/send him that xmas card/ bday card etc. Every action is completely normal for each individual and how they have to deal with it and move on in their own way. She just lost a loved one. She may test you by pushing you because she may not want to be close to you for fear of losing you. She will do this subconsciously. Forgive her, support her, help out. Think for a sec before you react to her. Good luck and best wishes to her.

[YankeeMarauder]

I have been blessed that I still have both of my parents and, for the most part, are in pretty good health. However I imagine that losing a parent is one of the hardest things to ever go through.

My wife lost her dad years ago, but they werent close so I never had to deal with any change. But I think a few things might help if I may be so bold...

1- I think she is "comfort eating" and that'll trickle off fairly quick if its not in her "norm".

2- Although she went to the gym with you before, now she is in "defense mode" and doesnt need any reminders that she put a dent in the Rocky Road last night. I'd just leave it be unless her health comes to a point or you think it may be an issue. Dont ignore, just observe from afar. And I am sure it wont come to that, I am just saying monitor closely but only bring up to keep her as healthy as possible.

3- Babbage is on the mark with the chores. The less she has to worry about, you win two fold:
A- Shes not stressing about it.
B- She will recognize and appreciate you for it.

4- Little things mean a lot. Flowers at work "just because", Listen attentively if and when she wants to talk. Eye contact speaks volumes to my wife.

5- Stay out of the way but be there. Let he approach you if she is sensitive right now. If shes watching the tube, and you are working in the office, you are still there and accessible. Be as close as she wants you to be.

6- Watch the cash and handle with "kid gloves" and bring up at the right time. Going in debt will only spiral her into a depression further. She is spending and eating to keep her mind off things. See if she wants to go for a walk, or bowling, a movie, etc.

7- Dont bring anything up (anger, spending, food) when shes in this mode. You mean it to be helpful and supportive, she sees it as a personal attack while she is down. You know you want the best for you both, but its hard for her to see that right now.

8- Just be the best man you can be and that she needs be. Its gonna be hard for you too, but thats what love is all about. My wife and I bicker and squabble over the dumbest crap. But at the end of the day, I know she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I feel sure you fell the same about your lady.

I really hope I havent offended or over stepped my bounds, Just want to pass along some info I had that you may or may not consider good. If it helps, great. If its trash, just put it in the can.

I am not a religous guy, but I still think praying helps. Long story short, someone put us here. Someone made a decision to put us here. Talking to a man in the sky on a cloud can be somewhat therapuetic to say the least.

[PonyUP]

Dom, I can commisserate with Becky some. As you know, I too am overweight, however I used to be a whole lot worse toppling over 400lbs. My Mother passed away three years ago, however in her case we saw it coming for a number of years and ultimately she was hospitalized for the last year of her life.

Regarding weight, as an overweight person I can tell you that we know it isn't healthy and no amount of encouragement, support, critique, or anything will get us to change. For each person, it is to a certain extent a personal battle. It is an endless circle of damantion, you eat because your depressed and your depressed because your overweight. For a person to truly change, it takes a moment of clarity within themselves. For me that happened following my mothers death. I have been hitting the gym for the last 3 years and have dropped over 160lbs.

You have already accepted her for who she is, and you don't expect her to change. However know that she will, and when she does support her the best you can.

As far as dealing with her emotional roller coaster, right now you are doing the right thing, don't take it to heart, it's not about her feeling towards you. When we lash out, we tend to do to lash out at those that can absorb it best, which is family and friends. That's what Becky is doing. Be patient, be understanding, and be supportive of whatever she needs.

Time heals wounds, and you can be the bandaid right now.

[secretservice]

Time heals wounds, and you can be the bandaid right now.
Great words to remember.

[BODYMAN]

Everyone reacts to losing someone close differently. Some grow strong, some curl up in a ball and close out the world. All need support and a punching bag. She is probably thinking: "Why didn't I call him more/talk to him more/send him that xmas card/ bday card etc. Every action is completely normal for each individual and how they have to deal with it and move on in their own way. She just lost a loved one. She may test you by pushing you because she may not want to be close to you for fear of losing you. She will do this subconsciously. Forgive her, support her, help out. Think for a sec before you react to her. Good luck and best wishes to her.

This sums alot of it up. Its is a difficult time for her and she might not be able to get what she needs or is looking for from family memebers as they maybe going thru there on grieving process to. It is sometimes difficult to read someone you know when there ina place they dont want to be either. This doesnt campare to death but take it for what it is worth. Mywife married me 6-yrs ago we have been to gether 14 yrs. I know she always saw me as a strong and supporting person & very good provider for my family. WELL 5yrs ago I start getting double vision so I go to the eye DR he cant find anything wrong so so he sends me for a MRI a week later he calls me and well here it goes he tells me you have MS (multiple Sclerosis) WHAT! Well her along with me know about it I watched a close uncle just give up after Diag. My wife clamed up and for 1 1/2 -2 yrs she always had attitude towards me? Why me Iam the one who has to deal with it? We have 2 wonderful boys 4-6 she was scared Dom The man who did everything in our relationship is sick OMG. This is my point she needed to grieve in her own way like youre girlfriend she knew she loved me but was so caught up in OMG syndrome I call it what is gonna happen what will happen to him? youre girlfriend is grieving and is scared her father was probably that family statue nothing can happen to him he is the man of the house. You need to be very patient with her but be strong to for both of you. ALWAYS think before saying something Thats were I made the mistake and almost lost my wife fight all time I was always at fault for evrything? I also blamed myself which wasnt good. Well 2yrs after this Funk she was in I started to figue it out and we were able to work thru it I take care of myself & have the nergy now to do alot more for family then I did before But her and I needed to accept the fact she was gonna be the go to work everyday person and not me Iam now MR Mom and after what we went thru Iam OK with it now due to good investments I made when younger. Long story short DOM This is gonna take time please be patient with her and try youre best to stand strong for her This is the most important time for you to show her what she means to you letter her know by actions that she is needed we all need to feel this.... take it for what it is worth everyone is different!!!!!!! ;)

[secretservice]

Maybe you should show her the thread to illustrate how much people do care. ;)

[Zack]

Great advice, but personally I would get the Buttermilk out of the house PRONTO

[magindat]

I have not read the above posts, so sorry if redundant Dom.

Support does NOT equal asking 8 million times if she's OK or what you can do. She's NOT ok and there's nothing you can do. Accept that. Asking and pleading and even controlling (pointing out the behavior) are signs of your own weakness to her right now. (see below)

Support does mean stand strong and steadfast. Be the pillar she leans on. Leaning can come in a million flavors and you really can't know which flavor she chooses. Buck up on the chores for a while. Alleviate any burden you can. But DON'T mention it! It will only add to her already poor vision of herself. (again see below)

Let her spend her money, but not yours. It's hers to spend. Money can be worked for again. Weight can be lost if gained and eating habits can be turned around.

When such a loss occurs, people question their own value and often become somewhat self destructive. A steadfast pillar, standing by, not leaving, wavering or showing weakness in their darkest hour shows them they ARE worth something.

You do this for her. Stand strong. Don't question or pester. Don't mention your greater workload. Alleviate what you can. She will see you as a MAN and value you as the rock in the storm when there was no one else.

It will take time Dom. It's an investment.

Best to you both.

Rich

[Egon Spengler]

Be patient, let her beat up on you (don't give it back), do stuff around the house without her asking and don't tell her you did it. She will come around and realize all that you have been doing. I am sure she will thank you later, but don't go looking for it.

[Rockettman]

Be patient, let her beat up on you (don't give it back), do stuff around the house without her asking and don't tell her you did it. She will come around and realize all that you have been doing. I am sure she will thank you later, but don't go looking for it.

That's exactly what I was going to add.
There will come the day that she recognizes what you're done, and how supportive you were through all this. She will tell everyone how great you were, and hard she was on you, and stood by and took it.
Time heals. It just does.
Very sad to hear that this has been so hard on both of you, but good luck.

[Dragcity]

If you drank, I'd recommend Tequila, the 100% Agave kind. Works for me. I've lost quite a few.....

Ain't easy loosing family folk. Campassion and patience. Then, at some point, you have to move forward. Death ....... is a fact of life. The best we can do while we are vertical, is live it with all we got.

No time for depression, I am sure her Dad would not want that.

Family always helps - me.

[LIGHTNIN1]

If you drank, I'd recommend Tequila, the 100% Agave kind. Works for me. I've lost quite a few.....

Ain't easy loosing family folk. Campassion and patience. Then, at some point, you have to move forward. Death ....... is a fact of life. The best we can do while we are vertical, is live it with all we got.

No time for depression, I am sure her Dad would not want that.

Family always helps - me.

Her young age is working against her. As one gets older we have seen so much of this it is easier. I have lost pretty much everyone except my brothers, both parents, all aunts and uncles,lots of friends. Give her space, let her do the talking,try to help her out. Good luck. It takes time.

[Motorhead350]

Wow thanks for the advice guys.

As far as religion goes she's one of these people that only wants to go to one church and that's 300 miles away. I have been doing my best to do anything and everything. Even calling during the day to say I love her and nothing else. All my concerns I keep to myself.

Her health is always something I have worried about. I know she is depressed and angry. That's why I went to the gym, for the very reason I can do nothing about... being in the modern world. Lifting helps me forget, but the anger never goes away. I told her she could take it out at the gym, but is too ashamed of herself image to go in there. I was overweight and am still considered that, but I did something about it at a time when I felt my worst. I would be in better shape if I didn't eat so cheap and have sweets every week, but that's me. Working out also makes me think clearer, probably from additional oxygen flow. I think this is just what she needs, but I can't seem to get her back in there.

The buttermilk I think it better than her drinking vodka ever night, but the buttermilk is bad too. I thought for a while she was a non-drinker, turns out she would do it when I was outta town. I would rather have her told me she didn't than lie to me about it for years. I guess she wanted to keep me around by not drinking.

I don't ask her what's wrong because I know what is. I take her out when I can with what little cash I have. The problem is she has more than me, so usually it's her treating herself to something. If anything all I can do is join her, I don't really feel like I am doing much other than being an additional expense... especially if she wants to go out or travel... not a good feeling.

I'm going to do a few things you guys suggested. Off to get flowers and show up at her work today.

Thanks again.

[secretservice]

Good luck. I hope it all works out for the better, and she grieves constructively. Good for you to stick by her in such a hard time.

[k9cinco]

I have seen many great comments but sometimes all the above doesnt help with the stress she is experiencing. I have had victims from tragic and unexpected deaths seek there doctors help and have been put on a low dose of medication to deal with the stress. Some medications also improve diet and eating issues.. Just a thought and how you can bring this up to her is to say" dear, a friend of mine recently experienced a death in his family. His doctor prescribed a medication to relax him and take the edge off... It really helped him relax and morn without the stress" Good luck to you both

[magindat]

Dom,
All those things that make you feel bad in this case are exactly what you MUST stand strong against. If she invites you to go - it means she wants your company. GO! Money be damned right now. If you feel like a burden, order the kids meal or a side salad and a water - but GO WITH HER.

By your statement to the above it is clear she is ALREADY reaching for you to be her rock in the storm. BE IT.

Great comments reinforcing this above.

My condolences and best to you both.
Rich

PS and as for the church - TAKE HER! sounds like it might mean a lot. Try maybe, "I'd be more than happy to go with you to your church and drive you there. I can get the gas one way...."

Always say what you CAN do and NEVER say what you can't.

[magindat]

Oh yeah - and carry a handkerchief. It's amazing the comfort it gives someone when they break out crying and you're prepared. I know, stupid detail - but I know first hand - it's the little things.

[Motorhead350]

Good stuff man. Thanks again. I am extremely against religion and she knows it. If she wants to go to church I'll go though, she'll know I'll do anything for her... even go against my own beliefs. She knows I would do that for her anyway though.

[RacerX]

Don't say it like it's a disease. If you choose not to believe, you don't have to. Just don't ever down others beliefs. That's the beauty of living in America too. People can find strength in religion. It helps with what seems like the randomness and uncontrollability of things around you. Even if it's not your cup of tea, don't dissuade her or down her beliefs. Anyone's for that matter. :beer:

[BODYMAN]

Don't say it like it's a disease. If you choose not to believe, you don't have to. Just don't ever down others beliefs. That's the beauty of living in America too. People can find strength in religion. It helps with what seems like the randomness and uncontrollability of things around you. Even if it's not your cup of tea, don't dissuade her or down her beliefs. Anyone's for that matter. :beer:

+1 Like how you put that and is all the truth.. Amen

[Egon Spengler]

http://www.virtuousplanet.com/shops/userimages/00005/00000000107/section/00000000000000014981.png

Seriously...

[Motorhead350]

Don't say it like it's a disease. If you choose not to believe, you don't have to. Just don't ever down others beliefs. That's the beauty of living in America too. People can find strength in religion. It helps with what seems like the randomness and uncontrollability of things around you. Even if it's not your cup of tea, don't dissuade her or down her beliefs. Anyone's for that matter. :beer:

I don't care unless someone says I am going to hell unless I see things their way. Or killing in the name of... ok I'm going to stop. Don't wanna cause any problems.

[Rocknthehawk]

I don't care unless someone says I am going to hell unless I see things their way. Or killing in the name of... ok I'm going to stop. Don't wanna cause any problems.


Good stuff man. Thanks again. I am extremely against religion and she knows it. If she wants to go to church I'll go though, she'll know I'll do anything for her... even go against my own beliefs. She knows I would do that for her anyway though.

Really Dom? You started with "I am extremely against religion"

Going to a church won't kill you. You won't, but picture it as a vegan walking past the meat counter at a supermarket. they may not approve of it, but they don't jump up and down unprovoked yelling how against it they are.

sounds like you push your beliefs on her. "and she knows is" says to me you make it clear. I'm sure she heard you the first time ;)

If she only likes one church, take her there. be comforting, be supportive.

[secretservice]

If she only likes one church, take her there. be comforting, be supportive.

That sounds like a good idea in this situation...



+1

[Motorhead350]

Sounds like a few church goers here. 18 years of catholic school was enough. I had my share. I don't tell others to see things my way, but I won't hesitate to tell someone my point of view.

We are going off track here.

[GAMike]

Hey Dom~
As I get ready for SSHS10, I came across this thread. Met yourself and Becky @ MV8, and found you to be pretty good guy, and Becky see's that in you also.

Just be that "good guy".
It is "what you say" and "how you say it" in times like these.....

She's had a great loss, and may not have anyone in her family circle to replace her father with. She is coping on some days, and running from it on others (my wife does the same when the holidays come because that was a big time in her family). The "just because" suggestion from one of the members is a perfect remedy in this situation.

Do something totally off the wall, out of character, and just for her just because.........Not to frequently, just randomly...... Let her know that you don't intend on replacing her father, but you care enough to do anything to help her. When she believes this about you, then she knows your not trying to make her fit an image that you approve of.

Just my .02..... All the best to you and Becky. Relationships that are worth saving take each person stepping out of their comfort zone and putting the other before themselves. It sounds like you are willing to do that. Good on ya mate:beer:

[Motorhead350]

I'm always thinking this is going to happen and it does.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc69zr_5uH4&feature=related

I'm always thinking this for myself....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2Z6YNLqKpk

I know she is always thinking this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pfo-0FQRRk