Ladyhawke
12-18-2003, 08:25 PM
Here's a letter from Santa with bad news for some of us.
Believers:
I regret to inform you at this late date that, effective December 18, 2003, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States (South of the Mason-Dixon Line) on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the USA, my contract was
renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Association-Local 209.
I will now only be able to serve New England and the Mid-Atlantic States. As part of my new and better contract I also will have longer breaks for milk and cookies. I am proud to announce that your children in the South will be in good hands. My replacement
will be my third cousin on my mother's side-Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the hills of West Virginia. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us that you should know.
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "these toys are insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of the traditional milk and cookies, Bubba would like the children to leave an RC Cola and a moon pie (or pork rinds) by the fireplace. Bubba no longer smokes a pipe due to the dangers of
smoking. However, he does dip a little snuff so please leave an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and now Blitzen's cousin's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You will not hear the familiar "On Comet, on Cupid, on Doner and Blitzen*" You will now here, "On Gordon, on Wallace, on Martin, on Labonte, on Rudd, on Petty, on Jarrett, and on Johnson.
5. "Ho,ho,ho," has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
6. As required by Southern Highway laws, Bubba's sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam Safety Triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." There is also a Number 3 (with lights) on the bumper.
7. Bubba does not wear a belt or suspenders on his pants. If I were you, Id make sure that your wife and children turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
8. Bubba likes Christmas music also. If you could play Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer," He would appreciate it. He also like Alan Jackson, Reba and Dolly.
I hope that the above will help to smooth the transition. I have enjoyed serving you all of these years. I am sure that you will get use to Bubba in a
few years.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SANTA
Believers:
I regret to inform you at this late date that, effective December 18, 2003, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States (South of the Mason-Dixon Line) on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the USA, my contract was
renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Association-Local 209.
I will now only be able to serve New England and the Mid-Atlantic States. As part of my new and better contract I also will have longer breaks for milk and cookies. I am proud to announce that your children in the South will be in good hands. My replacement
will be my third cousin on my mother's side-Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the hills of West Virginia. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us that you should know.
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "these toys are insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of the traditional milk and cookies, Bubba would like the children to leave an RC Cola and a moon pie (or pork rinds) by the fireplace. Bubba no longer smokes a pipe due to the dangers of
smoking. However, he does dip a little snuff so please leave an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and now Blitzen's cousin's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You will not hear the familiar "On Comet, on Cupid, on Doner and Blitzen*" You will now here, "On Gordon, on Wallace, on Martin, on Labonte, on Rudd, on Petty, on Jarrett, and on Johnson.
5. "Ho,ho,ho," has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
6. As required by Southern Highway laws, Bubba's sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam Safety Triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." There is also a Number 3 (with lights) on the bumper.
7. Bubba does not wear a belt or suspenders on his pants. If I were you, Id make sure that your wife and children turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
8. Bubba likes Christmas music also. If you could play Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer," He would appreciate it. He also like Alan Jackson, Reba and Dolly.
I hope that the above will help to smooth the transition. I have enjoyed serving you all of these years. I am sure that you will get use to Bubba in a
few years.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SANTA