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Motorhead350
06-02-2011, 03:25 PM
As some of you know a book is going to be published on all the fun I had with my Marauder. From late night racing to BMW techs dropping this clipboards to see the engine compartment.

Here's in intro/day one with the car.

If you think it needs something more let me know. Yes I will credit you for editing!

I have had this car sense I was 16. I originally wanted a 2002 Pontiac 35 anniversary Trans Am, yellow with black wheels. My dad said no because it was too small and was fiberglass. I knew he really thought it was too fast. I really liked big cars, so I asked if a 1996 Chevrolet Impala SS was alright. He said no to that too because he wanted me to have a car with a warranty. My daily driver at the time was a 1990 Chevrolet K5 Blazer and it was in the shop every other week. I don’t think my dad cared about buying me a brand new car because he knew I wasn’t doing drugs, drinking or landing myself in jail. So if getting his son a new car to keep him straight was the ticket so be it.

Finally I asked if a Mercury Marauder was alright. I had seen this car as a concept years back. In 2002 it came out. I loved it, huge, black only (at the time) American and I loved its looks, plus it was rare. My dad was friends with a man that owned a few car dealers. He owned BMW, Saab and Lincoln/Mercury dealers. I knew asking for a Mercury would be a little easier to pull off. I went to the dealer took a look at the car, took a brochure and went home. I showed it to my dad and he actually looked relieved I chose a car like that, I doubt he knew what my plans for it were or the fact that I knew performance parts would be out.

I returned to the dealer with my dad and went for a test drive, just me and the salesman. He didn’t bother to talk to me because he knew I loved it and he didn’t have to negotiate on the price with me, it wasn’t me with the money. I gave it a little gas and was like “Wow! This is fast.” At the time it was fast to me. The best I got it to run stock was 15.1, which I was told is impressive for something weighing in at 4,400 pounds with me in it.
My dad saw the car as soon as we got back from the test drive and we began our final test. I brought a Marshall Cabinet over in my truck to see if it would fit in the Marauder. The trunk was big, but not big enough for that amp. The backseat didn’t hold it either, but I discovered you could remove the rear pad in the rear seat and get it to fit. We left and I think he went to discuss it with my mom and workout a price with the dealer. My dad always bought at the end of the month to get the best deals, he hates games with people and to negotiate, but waiting it out until the end of the month is something he’s always done.

The day came to pick up the car and on the drive over he said to me:
“Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes why?”
“You don’t want an Escalate or something?”
“I already have a truck. A 1969 Road Runner would be cool though.”
“Well you know the answer to that.”
“Yes it’s what I want. Thanks for asking though.”

We continued onto the dealer on 1111 West Diversey in Chicago, IL on September 28th 2002. Soon as we got there it was ready in the dealer garage, looking great. Almost like how a bride waits for her man, ready to spend the rest of her life with you, looking beautiful and ready to go.
“You know this isn’t the car you test drove. This one has less miles. The interior is a different color too. The one you test drove had a lighter interior color.” Said the sales man named Micky.

I looked in and couldn’t tell the difference at the time. I didn’t care. It had 6 miles on it, a full tank of gas and a CD player waiting for Chuck Berry. I guess they did the paperwork earlier that week because soon as I sat in it they said I was good to go. When I got out of the garage I called my drummer Jeff.

“Hey Jeff! I just got a new car. Do you wanna see it?”
“Not really, I’m with Vanessa and we are at a festival.”
“Alright later man.”

I didn’t really have a lot of friends, so I spend the day cruising in Chicago. I didn’t care that I was alone, in fact I grew to like it. No one to complain the heat was too high, no one to tell me to turn down the radio when it was really the CD player and above all no one to tell me to slow down.

PurdueRifleman
06-02-2011, 06:51 PM
It's certainly a factual beginning, but it could stand to be a bit more exciting. Frequently in writing, when you want to grab someone's attention from the beginning, there's a technique called "In medias res" or "in the middle of things." In other words, don't start from the linear beginning of your story, start with something more exciting to get the reader interested. Then you can segue into the story arch or collection of vignettes and tell your story.

As it stands, this really doesn't grab my attention enough to want to go any further. Maybe start with a good race you had or a particularly wild night that involves your car in a big way. Just a thought.

Disclaimer: Criticism is easy; writing is hard. I don't claim to be the be all end all voice of published authors, but I do enjoy helping others along the path where possible.

slickster
06-02-2011, 07:29 PM
Makes me think of when I first seen this car at a autoshow on tv. And my jaw dropped to the floor and butterflies screaming in my stomach

Motorhead350
06-02-2011, 08:21 PM
Alright I will spice it up. Thanks!

SC Cheesehead
06-03-2011, 05:34 AM
Alright I will spice it up. Thanks!


No nudie pics, Dom! ;) -----> :D

martyo
06-03-2011, 05:55 AM
Speel chuck is yer fiend.

PonyUP
06-03-2011, 06:31 AM
Dom, this is a quick pass at it, but you ahve to put a little artistic license into it and suck the reader into what you feel. Given more time to think about it, I could write something better. But your story reads kind of like an email to a friend that knows exactly what you are talking about and has a little background into you. Your reader will ahve none of that, so you have to be descriptive and yet entertaining.

Speed can be and addiction, it’s as addictive as any drug or euphoric feeling you can think of. When you’re sixteen and get your first real introduction to speed, well it can give you a lifetime of satisfaction, frustration, and pain in the wallet.
When I was sixteen, I had many dreams and ambitions, but speed wasn’t a part of it at the time. However, I needed a vehicle. My Chevy Blazer had been beaten down, had engine problems, and hell, I was just ready for something. But when you’re young, looking at new cars is a little debilitating, you get your mouth watering for food that you are never going to taste. For me, it was a Pontiac Trans Am. Oh sure I saw all the movies, and I’m sure that played a part in the desire. But there was something about this American Muscle that I just had to get rushing through my veins. However, being a teenager, there was no easy way, or let’s face, no way to con my father into helping me get a Trans Am. Since Parental assistance was a necessity, I had to find a way to compromise.
Compromising is not easy when you’re a teenager, you want what you want, and tend to settle for nothing less until it becomes completely clear that what you want is not an option. So the search continued. I looked at everything, but nothing got my blood pumping like that Trans Am. Then I saw it, sure it was a concept car at the time, but when I was searching, that concept had become a reality. To many it looked like a police car, to others it looked like something a grandfather would drive except it had fancy rims, but to me it looked perfect. Of Course, only being available in Black and being freshly detailed certainly helped in that perfect image. But it was more than that, it was four doors, it was large, it was safe, and it was fast. This I could sell to the old man.
I took a test drive, the space inside was incredible, I mean a family of four could live in this thing. It was comfortable like no other car I had every driven, and when the light turned green the dream was complete. It hauled ass like I would have never expected. As I pulled back into the lot, I fear the salesman may have spotted the drool dripping from my mouth, but I rolled my tongue up off the floor, grabbed the sales brochure and headed home, I had work to do.
I laid the brochure out on the kitchen table, careful not to make it to obvious, but in well enough sight that it could be spotted easily. When Dad came home, I waited a decent time so that I wouldn’t seem over anxious. Of course what was actually a matter of minutes, felt like hours. But I finally went in to tell Dad all about the safe car I had found. Oh sure it took a little convincing, but since it greatly resembled police cruisers, how dangerous could it be. I mean the name sounded dangerous, but come on, it was a four door family car, at least that’s how I sold it.
It wasn’t long before the details were ironed out, and I had my chariot on the road traveling home. It’s strange how quickly something can become a part of you, even come to define you. I don’t remember all the details, but this I remember well. It wasn’t long after I purchased my sleigh that someone said to me “That’s a pretty fancy police car there” and it wasn’t too long after that that we were lining up our cars and pumping that adrenaline through our veins.
At the end of our little match up, he asked me “what Ford Crown Victoria does that?”
I said, it’s not a Crown Victoria, it’s a Mercury Marauder, and this is where the story begins….

massacre
06-03-2011, 07:41 AM
Not bad.....

ludwigvan968
06-05-2011, 09:47 AM
Will you end up having someone copy edit your work? I agree with the others that you need to have more of a narrative arch and pull your reader in. My writings fall some where in between. Here is a link to my website:

http://dissertation.jtlopez.com/?page_id=461

Raven34
06-05-2011, 01:46 PM
Will you end up having someone copy edit your work? I agree with the others that you need to have more of a narrative arch and pull your reader in. My writings fall some where in between. Here is a link to my website:

http://dissertation.jtlopez.com/?page_id=461


^^^This is awesome. I cant stop reading it, especially because I live in Texas! Great work!