Very bad day in court...

[IwantmyMMnow!]

I've talked with family and spent a couple hours talking with a close friend of mine earlier tonight.

I spent all day in mediation over distribution of equity. Bottom line:

--I lost 25% of my retirement pension
--I lost 50% of my retirement savings. I was the sole contributor, she walks away with $20 grand
--I will continue to pay $400/mo for child support, which will increase for every 15% increase in my personal income
--Instead of filing for bankruptcy myself, I have to allow her into the picture and file joint bankruptcy...and I get to pay all the costs associated with it.

I could have let this issue go to trial, but it would cost $5,000-$10,000 for lawyer's fees, court costs, etc and the final decision would at best be what I listed above or could be even worse.

I will most likely have to give up on getting my degree; meanwhile she will get to go to nursing school now that she has $20 grand...and knowing her, she will blow through that money within a year.

I am very bitter right now. I have to start over...again. I will most likely cash in most, if not all, of what's left of my retirement savings to help me get by until I figure out exactly what I can be able to do with my life...at least I have that I can fall back on, but I don't know how soon I'll be able to do that. I need the support of my family and friends because I feel like that's all I've got right now.

I just hope one day she realizes how she changed the lives (for the worse) of 4 people that loved her because of her selfish actions...and I hope I'm there when that moment happens so I can laugh in her face.

[Odinson]

That sucks. We've never met, but I'm really sorry.

Thanks for sharing. It's grim but hang in there and be yourself and you'll come out intact. One day better off.

Can you keep the Marauder?

[Ms. Denmark]

It's not a pretty picture now, but hopefully your children will be well taken care of and for their sake you and their mother will put your own issues aside and remain focused on what's best for them. I strongly suggest you get some counseling to help you RESOLVE your anger before it threatens to ruin the rest of your life. And of course, I wish you well.

[PonyUP]

Very sorry to hear this Kyle. I know it's frustrating and generates anger, but this is something you don't necessarily have the power to change. Therefor expending energy on it isn't fruitful.
Continue to focus on your kids and where you go from here as that is what you have control over

Try and stay positive, you're in my thoughts


The Ice Bucket Approves of this message

[FW_Linc/Merc]

You clearly are the bigger person and handled it very well. You really have my sympathy for your situation. My wife and I have had some rough patches but made it thru and I am so glad I don't have to start over. Starting over at our ages is very hard but to solace in the fact that many have done it so you will be OK it just SUCKS alot now.

Indiana has similar divorce laws. The situation does not matter the women always walk away with more than half the assets.

[SC Cheesehead]

In the words of the Apostle Paul, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal."

Hang in there, Kyle, better days are coming.

[Bluerauder]

It's not a pretty picture now, but hopefully your children will be well taken care of and for their sake you and their mother will put your own issues aside and remain focused on what's best for them. I strongly suggest you get some counseling to help you RESOLVE your anger before it threatens to ruin the rest of your life. And of course, I wish you well.
+1 for good ^^^^^^ advice.

Very sorry to hear about this outcome Kyle. It is understandable to get good and PO'd initially; but it is best to let it go as quickly as possible since it serves no productive purpose at all. Too much anger can direct you into irrational decisions. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you make this big adjustment. Focus on how best to move forward with the best interest of your kids and yourself.

Not sure how I would handle such a situation if I was in the same position. Stay strong Buddy.

[Haggis]

Kyle, hang in there man, it could be worse. If that was me I would be thinking of something stupid to do, not good for anyone or plan B.

[71cyclone]

Welcome to the Club [Im trying to smile ] I got divorced at age 44 with 2 kidds , House was forclosed on/ filed for BK/ child support was 840 per month plus I was paying medical of 340 per month for family plan/ [my son is 21, last year at UVA and I am still paying his Medical ] Child support stopped at age 18 in Virginia .The mother is Chief Admin Nurse with Master admin degree ,Runs the Orange and Yellow Clinic at the Veterans Admin hospital in D.C. and assist Admin at providence Hospital. The divorse decree stated that our retirements could not be afffected .I was entitled to half of her 401's on the spot ,my 457 would have taken some time to attack ,so she agreed not to bother. I am praying for you ,.In most cases Ill gotten money goes like grains of sand in the wind..== BE STRONG COUSIN !!!! Lost my house in 2000 replaced it in 2007, now I am building my car collection and upgrading my home and I have a hard workin supportive Lady [Master Electrician,] Local 26

[guspech750]

Man, I am sorry you had such a bad day Kyle. It seems though that you are a go getter and try and do make the right choices. You will come out ahead. I truly believe you will. Just do the best you can for your children and yourself man. That is great you have the support of your family too. And don't give up on your schooling bro.


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[Blackened300a]

http://images.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/9864928.jpg

Sorry man, you joined the long list of those I know who been burned by this one sided business contract called "marriage". Hope you don't have her on the payroll for too long.

[HammerDown]

Man, I am sorry you had such a bad day Kyle. It seems though that you are a go getter and try and do make the right choices. You will come out ahead.*** I truly believe you will. Just do the best you can for your children and yourself man. That is great you have the support of your family too. And don't give up on your schooling bro.


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*** Because you are the better person!!! Let your family and friends give you the support you need right now and you will be all right!!!
Hang in there, Kyle.

[Ozark Marauder]

I don't know you personally but been there, done that, moved on.....went through all kinds of emotions, some of which I was not proud of.

Remember it's all about the kids, not her. Divorce isn't the kid's fault. Don't say anything unkind about your ex to the kids, because you're really just hurting them.


My friends pulled me through. Stay positive, move in a new direction. Keep going on your degree, even if it's just part time or just one class at a time. If it's a dream, don't give up.

It's been five years later now for me, Life is good.

Keep in mind, divorce is a declaration of independence

You'll make it through..... JMO

OZ

[Ms. Denmark]

IMHO marry the right person and be the right type of person to be married and all this bad stuff is not going to happen. Just look at all the sucessful marriages there are right here on mm.net if you need your faith in the institution restored. I think we've had this discussion before, and we have differing experiences and beliefs, so I'll just agree that marriage is not for everyone but for some it is the best thing that ever happened to them. My 2 cents as a happily married women coming up on my 16th (?) I think :eek: wedding anniversary. LOL Now of course Mr. Man might have a differing opinion....:o :D

[sailsmen]

When ever I start to feel sorry for myself I stop and look around at all those who are far less fortunate than I and who have had far more to over come just to exist.

Your life isn't even half way over.

Is your life half over or has half just begun? You get to choose the answer.

[GAMike]

Hey Kyle..... Living well and achieving your new goals are the best remedy for situations like these...... It will set an example for your children, and it will be a reminder to your "ex" of what might have been....... And do it all with a smile:) Before you know it, you will be back to what makes you happy. Just stay focused on your goals, not the decision that is now made....

:beer:

[MM2004]

Kyle, having met you in Louisville, I can tell you are a stand up guy, and will do the right thing.

I too, am a victim of divorce after 14 years of marriage. Wasn't my choice, but now after 5 years of being single, I have no regrets.

There have been many good points made in this thread, especially referring to the children being a priority. It IS all about the children, and no matter how bad it may get between you and your ex wife, do NOT talk negatively about her in front of them.

Not only take the high road, but take it and stay on it. You will prevail my friend.

We are here to listen, and to help in any way we can.

;)

Mike.

[wickedmerc]

Sounds like you're having a rough go of things right now....sorry to hear it bro. I subscribe to sailsmen's thought process. For as hard as it may be to believe, it could be worse. You've got a lot going for you, not the least of which is your age.

Time heals all wounds, but feels like it's going so damn slow sometimes. Especially right now. Fear not! You'll figure out a game plan and things will be cool.

Deep breath, chin up, grab those boot straps and hop on up. You'll be better and stronger. :cool:

[1 Bad Merc]

Kyle -dont worry about the things you cant change but work on the things you can change!

You just lost a large weight around your neck and now you can move forward without anymore worries my friend. Kickit in gear now and make things happen. You can get a job and go to night school to finish the degree, start saving and planning for the future and dont worry about the past! Just make sure the kids know how much you love them and move on...

[Jimimac43]

"Living well is the best revenge"! I don't recall who said this but it rings true. Been divorced 2 times and wasn't bitter at all. Cut my losses and moved on with great gusto. Found the True love of my life. Hang in there Pal.

[IwantmyMMnow!]

Thanks everyone for the positive comments. Believe me, I will focus on my kids (as I have since day 1 of this nightmare). I don't waste my time with them bad-mouthing their mother. I just want to do what's best for them when I can, and I let them know this when I get to see them.

Yes, I am filled with anger and other similar emotions right now and I have resources available to me if I need to use them. I'm just irate because during the mediation process, I was accused of having 'secret' bank accounts, forging her signature on checks, etc, etc. Thankfully, I am a stronger person now than I was several years ago.

While my friend was over last night, we tried to focus on what I can change vs what I can't change.

I have 3 options:

--Quit school and get a job and figure out a way to continue school
--Figure out a way to continue going to school for at least one more semster; this will be possible if I can get a new tenant in my house by the end of this year..even a 6-month lease will cover the entire spring semester
--After the retirment savings account is split (which will probably take some time and I will have to wait until the bankruptcy piece is done), cash in what I have left and use that money to live off of until I can finish school and get my degree

Yes, things could be worse, and I'm trying to keep those thoughts in mind, but it's really tough right now. I've been through so much over the past 3-4 years, so I know I will survive, but it doesn't make things any easier when it happens again.

I will get to see my kids in about 4 hours and will have them for the weekend, so at least I'll have them around to 'distract' me and keep my mind off of this.

Thanks again for your support.

[Ms. Denmark]

Sounds like you've got your head on straight. Good to hear you have support from friends. And of course you have all of us in your corner. ;)

[Haggis]

Thanks again for your support.

Man, just shoot the B!TCH!!!


J/k
Good luck Kyle.

[ncmm]

Hang in there!!!! We as a group are here!!!!! "The world is a great mirror. It reflects back to you what you are. If you are loving, if you are friendly, if you are helpful, the world will prove loving and friendly and helpful to you. The world is what you are." -Thomas Dreier
Never give up!

[montyd]

i know the feeling. it sounds like your gonna get through it and be better then ever. i know when my x and i went seperate ways last year i tried my best to never look back, as hard as that was. but, she hated alot of things in life including my cars. so now i find great joy when i go past her house(its not far from my parents) and stop and burn the tires off the marauder. i know her son(from a previous guy) loves it and she hates it. always brings a smile to my face. hang in there! its gonna get better!

[vkirkend]

Been there, done that. It'll get better.

[Roadwarrior]

Sorry to hear about the results of the mediation process Kyle. Your best days are ahead of you. Hang in there. You have got a good support network to go to if needed.

[Spectragod]

i find great joy when i go past her house and stop and burn the tires off the marauder.and she hates it. always brings a smile to my face.

Right there sounds like sound advice, we could maybe help you with this by donating sets of rear tires to get you through this. :burnout:

But really, everyone has given great advice, keep your head up and move on, most importantly, don't bring the kids into any discussions of your ex. It will be a hard bitter pill to swallow for a while, but things will get better.

[BUCKWHEAT]

In the words of the Apostle Paul, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal."

Hang in there, Kyle, better days are coming.

I echo the above. I had four kids, all young & my wife had to have her 'space'. After the divorce, I found a lovely woman to whom I have been married for 38 years now. Don't look back, too much good stuff ahead of you. PTL

[marauder21]

Hang in there Kyle!! Through all the rain and pain keep your head up!
Just have faith and you'll see that all this is one big plan the lord has set out to you. But remember, "whatever Your going through, there's always someone going through something worse" :)

[Ken]

Much good advice given above...

In no time, you'll have gotten over the pain and be thanking her for the favor!

Ken

[IwantmyMMnow!]

I had a great weekend with my kids. Having to interact with the ex during the pick-up/drop-off wasn't as big a deal as I thought it could be. I just acted like she wasn't there, and when she did speak to me, I gave short, simple banter...kept my emotions in check despite the fact that I went back n forth from 'everything's cool' to 'kick her ass' every other second.

Sent an email to my friend that I talked with last Thursday night, and while I was typing it out, I realized that the shock of what happened last Thursday has begun to fade:

"I am somewhat over the shock of what happened Thursday and have accepted (for the most part) the fact that the legal system views marriage as a 50/50 proposition, with some exceptions (pre-nups). Is it fair? In my case, no, since I solely built up the few assets we did have and my income was used to pay the bills (even when she did work, she didn't pay a dime towards our debt with the money she earned); but I guess all of that is counter-balanced with keeping house and taking care of the kids while I worked (which could also be said of me when she did work).


I never abused her, didn't cheat on her, very rarely did the 'boys night out' thing (maybe once/twice a year), 99% of the time put what's best for my family above my own personal wants/desires, and planned on being with her and raising our children until the day I died. Then she gets to walk out of the marriage and take my kids...it's a very, very bitter pill to swallow, but I have no choice. It could be worse; at least she's decent enough to let me see my kids as much as I can/want to, which is the most important thing to me at this point."

I've got several options on the table of what I need to do next, then decide which one to go with and make it work as best I can. What happened last Thursday won't change the fact that I want to be as much of an influence/part of my kids' lives and that I'll do everything in my power to spend as much time as I can with them and provide for them.

Last night, after my daughter had fallen asleep, I took some time to talk to my son (10 y/o). I told him that I was very sorry that his mother and I won't be together any more and I do understand how he may feel about it since my parents divorced when I was a kid. I said it's okay if you don't understand what happened; you're only 10 and it will be a while before you do. I told him that even though Mom and Dad aren't together any more, it doesn't and won't ever change the fact that I love him and his sister and I care about them, worry about them, and think about them all the time, even though I'm not with them every day. I also told him that if he ever wants to talk about it, or anything else for that matter, that he can talk to me. I talked to him about other things as well, things I wish my parents had talked to me about.

After our one-hour (and mostly one-sided) talk, he then said, "what you just told me has completely blown my mind"....lol...that boy is something else. I was wanting to have this discussion with both of my kids, but I think my daughter is a little too young (she's 7), so I feel telling her that I love/miss/worry/think about her all the time will suffice for now.

I'm going to get together with my friend tomorrow to talk some more about my options and will be talking with another friend on Tuesday about possibly working for him at the beginning of next year.

In the meantime, I have neglected my MM for too long and will remedy that situation tomorrow with a good interior/exterior cleaning and might take a short jaunt on the Parkway to see the colors...it's time for the Silver Phoenix to rise and shine again!

[DOOM]

Keep your head up bro! :beer:

[05crownsport]

When ever I start to feel sorry for myself I stop and look around at all those who are far less fortunate than I and who have had far more to over come just to exist.

Your life isn't even half way over.

Is your life half over or has half just begun? You get to choose the answer.

+1
One day you will look back at this span of time in your life, and remember how difficult it was for you, and be thankful because you are the better person because of it. Karma is on your side, and she's a bad girl!

[justbob]

Keep the ugliness as low as possible bro.. I seen **** that no 8 year should EVER see when my parents split up. In the last couple years I look at my kids and can't stop thinking about what my ******* sorry excuse for a father put me through. So much that I broke all communication with him almost a full year ago. You don't want that! Just think what they might remember later in life like me.

But on a side note, $400 a month child support for two kids isn't much at all to raise kids. You should feel lucky, very lucky that is it. But from what little I know about you,!i know you will always step up when needed. Give them kids a huge hug, but don't smother them. Always LISTEN to them as they need your full attention if and when they ever wanna talk. Try not to change much as they only know the old you. Peace brother.


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[tbone]

You escaped WAAAAAY better off than I did. Be thankful.